To have no idea how to cope with dd anymore.

[Cakebytheocean2017]

Posting as I have literally no one to talk to about this beside dh . Our eldest dd is 8 she has aspergers pretty high functioning but lots of anxiety issues and social problems.

Our day typical starts off having to physically remove her from her bed , dress her . Deal with her crying screaming , running out the house . Refusing to eat and then stomach pain sickness etc. This is while trying to get our nearly 3 year old ready and deal with the 6 month old . Dh tends to do brunt of the work in the morning and usually drives her to school alone. This again is a nightmare , she cries the whole way there or remembers something she needs urgently this can vary from a pencil to a toy . But it's always a "need" when she eventually gets to school (usually late ) she often refuses to leave the car resulting in office staff having to coax her in .

We have tried everything possibly and I'm at the end of my tether she is making me dread every single day.
Outside of school is just as bad she can't have play dates though we still endure them and hope for the best, it always results in tears and tantrums. She doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.

Our other dds are affected hugely by this the 3 year is terrified of her sister and think nursery is going to be the scariest place on earth. The 6 month old is just scared by her constant outbursts.

What can we do ? Her school are helpful but that doesn't solve issues at home or getting to school

The idea of spending another year dreading every morning gets me so down . Me and dh have issues of our own and the constant stress off dd is destroying our family.

Please someone tell me this will get easier .

Have you a local surestart?

Some of them can offer support workers. Our local one is brilliant he got DD's speech therapy sorted quite quickly. It might be area dependant but it's worth an ask.

Also if your not already claiming you can claim child's DLA without a diagnosis.

One thing stands out to me is that every day starts with high levels of stress and anxiety. Are there any ways this could be minimised even a little?

One family I knew used to bring their ds breakfast in bed and the literally dress him in bed a bit later. It sounded as if he was being treTed like a little prince but it worked for them and kept him calm.

Can you set some ground rules about preparing for school by, say 7pm so there can be no last minute panics and no late night requests? A few days of you holding firm on it all being sorted by a certain time might let her let go a little.

Does she have separation anxiety contributing to her difficult school starts? There are many techniques to help manage this.

Finally are you claiming DLA for her? With help filling in the forms I'm sure she would qualify and you could use it for respite, help at home or specialist groups. Although many parents of SN children do, understandably want their DC to join mainstream activities sometimes SN groups are just more accommodating and easier for all.

for you, it sounds so tough.

Just sending OP. It sounds like such a hard situation.

My 5 year old DD has HFA and mornings can be awful. I generally dread going into her bedroom first thing. I also have a younger DC to get sorted too, which adds to the stress.

Visual timetables have helped somewhat but DD still needs very careful handling and it's incredibly draining.

I remember the team diagnosing ds deliberating over whether to diagnose aspergers or asd as the aspergers diagnosis was going. The only clinical difference between aspergers and hfa is early language delay I was told. Ds language development was slightly slower than typical but not enough for a clinical delay and it had more than caught up by the time he was assessed. I was told they went with asd to avoid giving a diagnoses that would soon be out of use.

First of all, it wouldn't be good to post this is SN Chat/Children to get more traffic but also have you asked school if your DD can start school Hal for an hour later? It would mean she isn't anxious whilst everybody is there rushing about and putting their bags away etc. I'm pretty sure that's a reasonable adjustment....and you don't need a diagnosis for that to be considered if she has a need/S.

And yes to visuals. They often aren't used enough with very verbal/able children. And it doesn't have to mean pictures. Lists are far more helpful than verbal instruction for children with asd who read well as they tend to take things in visually a lot more easily and they can refer back if they have memory/executive function difficulties.

Oh and like Matilda said, we take our DS (11) his brekkie in bed on a tray each morning and then I help him get dressed and do teeth at the last minute.

If he has to hcome think about school, his anxiety levels rocket even more so that at least helps a bit.

That's right bumsex ( don't think I've ever typed that sentence before ). But I find the term high functioning a little misleading also. Sometimes dd can't function, but she'd be considered high functioning.

We still have probs getting dd over the threshold at school. Sometimes I take her through the office, or a nice teacher comes to help if I text her. I'm dreading the return to school tomorrow.....

What about part-time / flexi-schooling? Would your school be up for that (a lot aren't..)? My ASD child goes for 3 days split over 4 at the moment (Y1) and it works quite well - I get a break but he does from school too. I find it's a much better balance We don't do anything particularly educational during his home-ed time, sometimes library, sometimes park, odd museum visit, and play at home.

Google "Dogs For Good."
These dogs are specially trained to be gentle, helpful companions.
Children with autism have responded very positively to having these dogs in their lives, and it can be life changing for the whole family.
My love and very best wishes to you all xx

Yeah I agree the functioning labe

Lists, oh yes! Fairness. I think we can all relate. Are you north or south op?

ls are messed up and seem to be based entirely on whether a child can communicate verbally.

Can I ask do you have any sensory toys, or aids to help calm your daughter? My nine year old son was exactly the same.

We found that there were several different things going on that were contributing to his anxiety.

First we found that his anxiety levels were high because he was so overwhelmed at the thought of the sensory overload when he was leaving the house. We helped with this by buying ear defenders/ noise protect headphones and dark sunglasses. We also made sure that he spent time under his weighted blanket which calms him and in his sensory area every morning (we have colour changing bubble tube, lava lamps, vibrating cushions,various sensory toys etc as well as his weighted blanket) this helps calm him and ready him for the day.

One of the biggest causes of anxiety was not knowing what would happen when. We worked with school to create a visual timetable so that before school we could reassure him about what they would be doing.(school
also made a visual timetable which was kept at his desk, so he knew what was coming and when break/ lunch/ hometime) We also had a visual timetable for our routine at home, particularly the getting washed and dressed routine. This has really helped and he now gets himself washed, teeth brushed and dressed. Which compared to the previous torture that was school mornings is something we honestly were not sure he would ever be able to do. Just to add when making a visual timetable always have a surprise card! Every single aspect required lots of work though and cleaning teeth, brushing hair, dressing were all huge sensory issues which we took a long time to master. I would ask for a referral to an occupational therapist, our local ot department runs workshops on sensory issues with children on the spectrum. These are very useful and they introduced parents to the different sensory toys/ resources/ books that are helpful.

I also do recommend contacting your local NAS branch, we have accessed workshops on anger management, sensory issues, school issues etc. I would also find out if they run a CYGNET course near you, this is a six week (one day per week) course where parents are taught how to cope with all the different aspects of having a child on the spectrum.

We found that school was completely overwhelming for our son, he was given his own sensory tent which they filled with sensory toys, soft cushions and a weighted blanket , unfortunately being an open plan school he ended up spending most of his time in the tent. Which meant he was learning nothing. We eventually made the decision to home educate our son and it has truly been life changing! Whilst this is not an option for you, you do have alternative options, you could look at a flexischool option , or a shared placement (perhaps between a mainstream school and a special needs school.) I would also ask for a quiet area where your daughter could retreat to work, perhaps with a PSA/ or a sensory tent/ irregular timetabled sensory breaks (we tried to have regular sensory play introduced to our sons timetable at school, unfortunately this wasn't followed through so we were not given the opportunity to see if that would have helped. At the time we were concerned at the amount of time he was forgotten about whilst in his sensory tent.).

I would recommend: NAS, especially if there is a group that is active locally, especially if it has children's activities (although meeting parents can be very valuable to find out local activities).
Local disabled play schemes - often have ASD times.
Playing in an environment that is less judgemental can be helpful as a start.
Does the school have a home/school link worker? If so could they organise a parent's meet up? My DDs primary did this and it was very helpful.

I would start keeping a notebook, and try to spot what things work to calm her? What things cause extra stress?
I would try to do things like sort clothes and bags before bed, and allow a lot of time to get ready in the mornings.

Also chase up diagnosis. And do consider applying for DLA when you get it, and use the money to make things better for your DS.

I feel for you CakebytheOcean, I really do. I work in a special needs school for children with ASD and know exactly how hard it is for parents to manage their children's behaviours at home.
You could use a visual timetable , perhaps a mini schedule of your daughters morning routine to help her organise her morning more effectively. How about first/then boards ? Perhaps if she has a visual representation of what is happening next, she will be happier to do it ? Have you tried sensory resources at times when she is having a tantrum ? Is there anything she likes in particular that you could use as a motivator ? Could you incorporate her special interest in some of the routines ? Have her favourite song playing whilst she is waking up, favourite character on her toothbrush etc
I'm sorry if you have used all of the above strategies, I'm trying to think if I can help in any way ....
I'm happy to email you some resources if you like?
It's hard to tell without knowing your child personally what would work but I hope you'll find some of the strategies above useful.

I do a lot of home visits to support parents who struggle, is that something your daughter's school could be asked to provide ?
Take care x

We are about to try now and next cards st school when we come home. Dd cannot stand to wait for her sisters to come out of school and gets very anxious, often hitting me. I'm getting a now card for now you can swing on the monkey bars for 10/15 min while the other dc come out from class, speak to teacher etc. Next, we are going home. I think she has trouble visualising the journey home after school (all of 5 mins!). Sometimes I think we overestimate what dd can do because she is cognitively able. I do hope these help...