To have no idea how to cope with dd anymore.

[Cakebytheocean2017]

Posting as I have literally no one to talk to about this beside dh . Our eldest dd is 8 she has aspergers pretty high functioning but lots of anxiety issues and social problems.

Our day typical starts off having to physically remove her from her bed , dress her . Deal with her crying screaming , running out the house . Refusing to eat and then stomach pain sickness etc. This is while trying to get our nearly 3 year old ready and deal with the 6 month old . Dh tends to do brunt of the work in the morning and usually drives her to school alone. This again is a nightmare , she cries the whole way there or remembers something she needs urgently this can vary from a pencil to a toy . But it's always a "need" when she eventually gets to school (usually late ) she often refuses to leave the car resulting in office staff having to coax her in .

We have tried everything possibly and I'm at the end of my tether she is making me dread every single day.
Outside of school is just as bad she can't have play dates though we still endure them and hope for the best, it always results in tears and tantrums. She doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything.

Our other dds are affected hugely by this the 3 year is terrified of her sister and think nursery is going to be the scariest place on earth. The 6 month old is just scared by her constant outbursts.

What can we do ? Her school are helpful but that doesn't solve issues at home or getting to school

The idea of spending another year dreading every morning gets me so down . Me and dh have issues of our own and the constant stress off dd is destroying our family.

Please someone tell me this will get easier .

Also my son (diagnosed age 3) always wants to go to friends houses or have friends over and always has even when it used to end in tears 99% of the time. It's quite normal for hf kids, particularly girls, to want to do what their peers are doing and fit in. And obviously all kids display very differently.

Huge respect to anyone dealing or has dealt with similar. I read the SN boards and children's health and it leaves me in awe of people.

bumsexatthebingo the school has been great i must admit they have went above and beyond , they allow dd to eat lunch alone at school office if she wants , and she usually does . They let her come in late and are happy to let her leave early if it's too much stimulation for her.
She struggles with a certain day at school as she has writing and has some issues with fine motor skills , the school have handled it very well they let her miss the lesson at first and help out office ladies but gradually weaned her into it and finally she goes to the class with no tears which is big deal for us as she would stay up till 2/3am worried about this every week.
The school has a room where kids with additional needs can go to relax or escape stimuli , she hasn't used it but she knows the option is there .

After reading your last post, ignore my post it must sound a trite suggestion.

DonutParade we try have her there on time but she is often late , school are happy for her to come in slightly late to avoid the rush .
The playdate thing is horrible I see it as her desperately trying to fit in and be normal but she just can't cope with "normal" . She is very bossy and just doesn't follow normal social cues , though she gives it a good try.

bumsexatthebingo it's horrible isn't it , I live in hope that she will one day be able too have a friend over without all the stress that currently goes with it . We got her a trampoline for Christmas and now her concern is not wanting anyone over because they will want to use it :( , she has to be in control of everything it must be a horrible way to feel.

UnbornMortificado. I'm struggling a lot some days I just want to walk away but I try remind myself it could always be worse and atleast they have there health .

DS1 sounds really similar in his approach to playdates. He asks for them, is keen to go on them, and actively looks to join in social activities. But it inevitably goes wrong, he misjudges situations, gets upset and often annoys other children. ASD definitely doesn't preclude a desire to socialise though, Oops!!

They do sound pretty good but maybe she could be supported to interact in a smaller group or with 1 other child rather than sitting on her own at lunch which could help her social skills along. Is there a specific thing that she struggles with on playdates? For eg does she want everything on her terms or is she easily upset/moody? I would keep playdates short for now and target 1 thing for her to work on that you can reward her for. Are there any groups you can attend with your younger 2 in school hours for them and you to socialise?

My ASD dd will always ask for play dates and is very popular. She does seek out social interaction, but is obviously not great at it.

Play dates are hell for us also...

Apologies if you feel I am being hard, I am not meaning to be. What I meant was that your dd may be struggling to settle after
that change and may need more time than others to understand and become comfortable in her new regime. I am amazed you have a statement without a diagnosis. Where I am you have no chance of a statement without a diagnosis.

I would choose playdate friends carefully as well. Quite often I found that I was concentrating so hard on ds social skill weaknesses and expecting him to be oversensitive that I let behaviour from other kids slide that, in hindsight, ds had every right to be annoyed about.

I am aware that there are exceptions but as a general rule Aspergers , not autism. but Aspergers is a condition of lacking social ability and those with the condition tend to prefer to be alone. This is why I was surprised it certainly has not been my experience. Which is why I asked if she had a diagnosis. Of course all children vary and are different. Id

Have you read Tony Attwoods book OP ?

bumsexatthebingo sorry forgot to add that they do allow her to ask someone to sit with her . The little girl she wants playdates with often joins her at the office or lunch.

It's mostly lack of control she struggles with, she is OK if everything is exactly as she wants it. She cries shouts and acts terribly if things aren't her way .

There is a baby and toddler group that I will try as soon as dds back at school. I have tried them before and always felt out of place but I need to do something I'm worried about my mental health now , any friends I have had, have been through the kids and they all distance themselves once dds behaviour becomes apparent.

if she has been this bad for 6 years, how come she hasn't been diagnosed yet? genuine question

OopsDearyMe any advice is appreciated , they gave us a statement very quickly I'm not sure if school input helped speed that up. Socially she wants to fit in but can't iykwim , she spends all night avoiding the rest of the family in her room. She occasionally tryst doing normal family things but she would rather be alone .

bumsexatthebingo we have made that mistake before, the child of that parent that caused all the trouble at her old school would come round and cause mayhem , break and mess up things yet at time we where to busy trying to focus on dd. Dd is lucky that her friend is a lovely girl and very understanding she tries calm dd down and talk her round. Her parents aren't aware of dds aspergers as I have no idea how to tell people.

That's something they could be working on at school Cake. She could be rewarded when she let's a friend make a choice in a game. Also things that help my son are things like tossing a coin or taking a vote. He seems to be able to accept not getting his way if he perceives it as 'fair'.

angeldelightedme we only started looking for help once she stared school and it became apparent it wasn't a normal issue. So she was 5 when we first got referred and over 6 by the time she got seen . We then moved areas (not by choice) which meant we where no longer in catchment area for the place we where attending so we are back on waiting list again . It's been a long long process.

Are there any local groups or activities, organisations or animal centres local to you that have special days for non-NT kids. I have found this sort of group, even if it's just once in a while, to be great for finding ' parent friends ', or just for having a chat with someone who understands.

bumsexatthebingo that's a great idea, we have a meeting with deputy head next week so will be sure to see what they can do to help.
She is forever making us vote on the silliest of things but I have never realised why , it makes sense now.

If you are SAHM, I'd think again about home educating, honestly. How much harder is it likely to be than trying to get her off to school every day?

Visits to park - will work with the 8 year old!!!
food shopping - take the 8 year old with you. treat that as the educational opportunity for the day. Let her take charge of as much of it as possible - choosing and getting the trolley; looking after the list; weighing, counting, working out a route through the supermarket, choosing the money to pay with at the till, learning the social script of the transaction at the end - take your time over it (keep feeding grapes to the baby in the trolley...) We went through a long period where we went food shopping almost every day, just for a few things each time, because it was such a useful educational tool.

In the local home ed community (search for your county/ town/ nearest big city + home ed or home education on facebook) you'll find many of the other parents in your area with children on the spectrum.

I'm assuming you shadow and supervise really closely during playdates? completely essential while the child is still learning how to navigate a social situation

Handhold here - I know precisely what you are going through. My DD who is 8.5 and diagnosed with ADHD and autism has very similar struggles to yours by the sound of it, she also has younger siblings DD who is 5 and DS who is 2 - so its very difficult indeed when our attention is diverted elsewhere. Over this Christmas break she has climbed up to a high cabinet and retrieved a box of matches, spent ages lighting them and dropping them in a bowl - lucky she didn't burn the house down whilst we were upstairs putting the other two to bed. She's also wrapped a string of tinsel around the spotlights in her sisters room - by standing on her mid sleeper bed and reaching up - that also caused the lights to smoke and burn and stink. She's a liability.
She struggles with friendships and bossiness and is very black and white with her interpretation of rules, and likes everyone around her to have to follow the same rules - if they don't she's on them immediately.
Our paediatrician is currently giving her Atomoxetine (for autism) & Elvanse (for ADHD) she's on the highest dose of these permitted for her age and weight. She also takes Melatonin at night to help her sleep. Is your DD on any medication OP?

And I second what donut says. If you can find some understanding mum friends it's a godsend. And if they have younger kids for your littlies to play with even better!

Under the latest revision of DSM5, aspergers is no longer a separate diagnosis to autism. Under the old criteria for diagnosis, dd would have Aspergers, but under dsm5 she has autism.