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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have had a mini meltdown today?

58 replies

CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 15:13

We have an 8 month old DD, DP works full time, I'm on maternity leave. I do all the childcare, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking etc. We usually do bathtime together if he comes home from work early enough, otherwise I do it, then cook dinner for us. DD doesn't sleep very well so I'm shattered. I'm also aching all over from months of rocking her to sleep, carrying to sooth her, as well as carrying home whatever groceries or whatever we need for home. At the weekend I usually try to get us all to go out together for an hour or so as a family, just for a walk or something. This is usually met with grumbles from DP, who feels he does so much during the week that he deserves to do nothing at the weekend. I also do a shit ton during the week AND at the weekend, and rarely/never get to do nothing. He doesn't take the baby on his own anywhere, so she's always with me or we're out together. I'm tired, overwhelmed and worn out. I asked him this morning if he could come with me to a shop this weekend as I need help bringing some stuff home and cant carry it alone. He said he has better things to do and claimed we don't need the stuff I wanted to buy anyway. I swear if he had his way we would all stay indoors all the bloody time. He also has a tendency to say "well no one asked you to do it" when I show him how much I actually do. I feel really under appreciated and have to argue for some thanks. OR have I got this all wrong and this is somehow normal-ish that the woman does everything?!

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 03/01/2017 15:20

Absolutely not normal no. When I was on mat leave obviously I would do the lions share of stuff but once dh was home it was shared eg one of us would put baby to bed and the other sort dinner.
At weekends it was completely equal, dh would do night shifts with baby too.
Although I'm a bit better at housework than he is, he would either look after baby or take baby out while I did it.
You need to have a serious chat with him. At weekends either he helps you with stuff (either essential or more "fun" stuff,) or looks after baby/takes baby out while you do it (preferably the latter).
Yes it's absolutely bloody exhausting balancing a baby with work and everything else, but that's how it goes.

LosAngeles444 · 03/01/2017 15:23

Definitely not! Your DP is a lazy arse. Don't know how you've managed with him and an 8 month old. I have a little one too and would have throttled DH by now if he'd come out with that sort of nonsense. IMHO you need equality in a relationship. You're not a doormat. DP needs a reality check. I would take him to task and get him to step-up.

SpottedScarf · 03/01/2017 15:24

Definitely not normal. I have a 12 week old, and my DH works full time in a high pressure job but is absolutely fantastic - he always tell me that time with our DD is his downtime. He also does as much as he can to help with housework.

Could you start leaving household jobs so that he can see just how bloody hard you work?

you sound like you're doing a fantastic job - I really hope your DP realises this very very soon.

Flowers for you

Original poster
CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 15:32

Thanks for the responses. You're right, I know it. Its just hard to talk to him about this, he doesn't get it. He's a logical/binary/non-emotional thinker so I find it pointless to try to explain emotions. But I can itemise the work that I do and ask him to take over half. Its gruelling trying to have this stuff out with him. I usually run out of energy defending myself and just give up.

OP posts:
acquiescence · 03/01/2017 15:34

What will happen when you go back to work? Do you have any family to help you? It is not normal behaviour and not on from him.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 15:36

Why don't you get your shopping delivered then no one needs to go?

gandalf456 · 03/01/2017 15:37

The trick is not to reason too much. Just say I'm not doing it then disappear . Eg if you want to go into town , just put your coat on and go and leave the baby with him. Don't ask him if it's OK, he doesn't ask you, does he? He is not your superior where you have to negotiate rights

Tigresswoods · 03/01/2017 15:39

Definitely get the shopping delivered!

PurpleMinionMummy · 03/01/2017 15:40

Stop doing the stuff no ones asking you to then Grin Let him buy and cook his own food, do his own washing etc

Original poster
CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 15:43

yeah i'll start getting the shopping delivered for a start. I suggested it before and he dismissed it saying it would be more expensive and i could pic up things when im out every day anyway.

I know i sound like a doormat, and thats probably why we're at this point. im battling low self esteem (and typing one handedwith a cranky baby)

OP posts:
LosAngeles444 · 03/01/2017 15:47

You have my sympathy. My DH is also a "logical/binary/non-emotional thinker" - I approach him with fact-based logic eg. here is a list of things that need doing this weekend, please tackle items 1-5 and I will do the rest. Or I need a haircut, the appointment time is 10am on Saturday, I will be leaving the house at 9.30am and back at 12pm. I will prepare the baby's milk bottles before I go. You need to look after the baby then. I think you need to manage him. It's almost like you're at work and you need to talk to him as you would with a colleague - no heightened emotion

PopcornBits · 03/01/2017 15:48

My husband was like this when mine was similar age. It is an absolute slog isn't it? And they really feel entitled to their weekend off don't they? As if babies stop needing attention just because its the weekend.
I used to get up with mine in the night and eventually was so worn, every time I tried to broach it with DH he would use the work full time excuse on me.
Even when we eventually both started working full time he would love the fact his mum would come round every Wednesday and do all our washing whilst we were at work and bring us tea. (we're no longer in contact with her, she's the do a favour but with strings attached type)

Then he went to work overseas and I had to do it all on my own anyway.
It was when he came home and I would leave DD with him for 24 hours that he would be commending me on my sanity and patience saying its mind numbing. OMGG these men!

That's when it finally clicked and he realised how uninvolved he'd always been, lazy arse.
Only took nearly 4 years.

Don't let your DH get away with it. It's his child too.

GloriaGaynor · 03/01/2017 15:55

he doesn't get it. He's a logical/binary/non-emotional thinker so I find it pointless to try to explain emotions

This is not the proble, the problem is that he's lazy and selfish.

GloriaGaynor · 03/01/2017 15:55

*m

WorkAccount · 03/01/2017 15:55

He is right nobody asked you to, so stop.
also stop at the end of the day say "i have worked all day as well" give him the baby, go and have a bath/read a book/bloody anything.
Repeat just as often as he does.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2017 15:57

Not normal.
We did mon-fri I did everything.
As soon as he came home or weekends, all was shared (though I did get all jobs other than day to day stuff done in the week). So, one lie in each, 4 hours ish off for hobbies each.

DameDeDoubtance · 03/01/2017 16:00

Just stop now, ask him once to pull his weight and if he doesn't then don't do a thing for him. Eat what you want when you want and don't wash his clothes. If you don't stand yup for yourself this will be your life forever.

Do you own the house together?

Parker231 · 03/01/2017 16:04

When are you going back to work? He needs to learn how to look after his own baby! Arrange to go out for the day this weekend and leave him to it. Why are you trying to do everything?

Northend77 · 03/01/2017 16:05

LosAngeles has it exactly right! I have one of these types of DH as well and it's taken me 10 years to realise that this is exactly how I need to "manage" him!

I always used to nervously ask if he would mind watching our twins (2 years old) whilst I stepped out for an hour or whatever I needed to do, or I just took them with me and struggled as I know he finds them hard work. Well, so do I!! I have started just telling him that I have a hair appointment or I need to go into town and they are a nightmare to take now so he has to have them for a few hours. I make sure I give him a definite time that I'll return as otherwise he will often message me after 2 hours asking when I'm coming back! He does admit he struggles to cope though!

He will cook a few times a week and we wash up as we go but I do everything else and have started making meals in the slow cooker for me and our twins (he will have some if he likes what it is).

I am fed up of hoping that he will notice how hard I work at keeping our home (we both work full time jobs), controlling all the finances and organising everything for the twins. As a new year resolution I am taking the "managing" method further and doing exactly what LosAngeles has suggested - writing down a list of things that need doing and allocating him a bunch of them. Making it very clear and also so that he can see everything that I will be doing written down too

Perhaps try this yourself. Good luck x

HookandSwan · 03/01/2017 16:05

Have you considered sleep training your baby? I'm a nanny and I've just started a new job with a baby who was rocked and was a baby sleeper abd in two weeks she now goes to sleep perfectly alone for a good lengthy nap.

That would take some stress of if your had a sleeping baby.

And also delivered shopping is a total winner!!

DJBaggySmalls · 03/01/2017 16:06

Childbirth is exhausting and it takes months to recover and find your feet. Just start to shout 'either pull your weight with this family or Fuck Off' at him every time he's a knob.
It wont change anything. He wont understand, he will feel astonished and hurt and got at, but it will make you feel better.

SapphireStrange · 03/01/2017 16:07

He is right nobody asked you to, so stop.
also stop at the end of the day say "i have worked all day as well" give him the baby, go and have a bath/read a book/bloody anything.
Repeat just as often as he does.

I agree with this.

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 03/01/2017 16:07

He's not a logical thinker, he's a lazy arse who is playing you like a fiddle.

Logical thinking would make him realise that he should be doing his fair share and building a relationship with his child at the same time. Not skiving his way towards a divorce.

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 03/01/2017 16:09

And I'm pretty Shockthat people are suggesting you have to 'manage' him.

Fuck that, seriously. He knows what's expected. He just thinks you should do it all anyway.

MeetTheMartian · 03/01/2017 16:15

Well for a start, you need to start doing things your way. If that means having the shopping deleivered, then that's what it means. If he isn't happy, tell him that he is welcome to do it himself (and cook for the family with whatever he has bought).

Then leave him with his dd on his own. Though luck if he thinks he can have all weekend for himself doing nothing. That's not how it works with a baby, if he grumbles, remind him that he, too, had a choice when you (together) conceived your DC and that means he is now involved in looking after a baby.
Give him the DC, go away for the afternoon, even if it's just down the road to a coffee shop so you can have a couple eof house on your own. Besides, this will be very good both for him and for your DC as it will allow him to build a bond with DC.