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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have had a mini meltdown today?

58 replies

CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 15:13

We have an 8 month old DD, DP works full time, I'm on maternity leave. I do all the childcare, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking etc. We usually do bathtime together if he comes home from work early enough, otherwise I do it, then cook dinner for us. DD doesn't sleep very well so I'm shattered. I'm also aching all over from months of rocking her to sleep, carrying to sooth her, as well as carrying home whatever groceries or whatever we need for home. At the weekend I usually try to get us all to go out together for an hour or so as a family, just for a walk or something. This is usually met with grumbles from DP, who feels he does so much during the week that he deserves to do nothing at the weekend. I also do a shit ton during the week AND at the weekend, and rarely/never get to do nothing. He doesn't take the baby on his own anywhere, so she's always with me or we're out together. I'm tired, overwhelmed and worn out. I asked him this morning if he could come with me to a shop this weekend as I need help bringing some stuff home and cant carry it alone. He said he has better things to do and claimed we don't need the stuff I wanted to buy anyway. I swear if he had his way we would all stay indoors all the bloody time. He also has a tendency to say "well no one asked you to do it" when I show him how much I actually do. I feel really under appreciated and have to argue for some thanks. OR have I got this all wrong and this is somehow normal-ish that the woman does everything?!

OP posts:
Millymollymanatee · 03/01/2017 16:16

He's taking the piss and massively taking you for granted. There's nothing normal about the woman being a dogsbody. From this day on you must stand up for yourself.

You will be shattered with a young baby. He needs to take over in the evenings and at the weekend. You need time to lie in the bath and relax and read a book, whilst he looks after the baby. Tell him to take the baby out one afternoon at the weekend, because you need at least one afternoon completely to yourself.

Tell him to read this thread.

rookiemere · 03/01/2017 16:16

Tell him if you get divorced then he'd need to look after his DD at least every other weekend.

Does he have a particularly hard job? Perhaps if he is a heart surgeon/ambulance man or long haul driver I may have some empathy with him, but I'm suspecting not.

Why did he bother having a DC if he never wanted to do anything as a family?

Lorelei76 · 03/01/2017 16:18

I respond better to logic than emotion and the first thing that strikes me is he should be spending time with baby and you should spending time doing something you'd like to do while he does that.

He's being a lazy arse is the other thing that's logically clear here! Also agree you should shop online, being out doesn't always equal convenient or logical to buy groceries.

MeetTheMartian · 03/01/2017 16:18

Btw I don't agree with 'managing' a partner.
But I know I have had to point out the obvious to DH a few times.
And the best thing I have ever done is to go away regularly, leaving him with the dcs on his own, a house to handle as well as cooking etc...
I also have been known to just stop doing some of the stuff. I said it once and then stopped wo even reminding him that xx needed to be done.

Both have forced him to
1- realise how much work is involved in looking after a child
2- feel responsible for some of the HW
3- sees some of the tasks as his rather than mine.

Overall, it has worked well but it did feel like I had to really stand up for myself and refuse to do everything. In some ways 'forcing him to step up'.
There was also no hesitation that, if he wasn't stepping up, I was out.

MeetTheMartian · 03/01/2017 16:21

Tell him if you get divorced then he'd need to look after his DD at least every other weekend.
Oh YY to that one! I have used it too and it has the advantage to be Rey clear on the message that
1- you are serious and him not taking responsibility WILL lead to a divorce
2- a weekend every other weekend is the minimum he should do (and will be made to do anyway if again he doesn't step up)
3- its practical and non emotional. A basic statement of fact. Which works better for DH than any other pouring of emotion which he really doesn't get.

Sillybillybonker · 03/01/2017 16:23

Tell him if you get divorced then he'd need to look after his DD at least every other weekend.

If he is that selfish, he probably wouldn't bother with the every other weekend routine. A lot of men don't see their kids much. I was married to such a man.

knittingwithnettles · 03/01/2017 16:28

There are many more years of this ahead...so I recommend getting a buggy with a really good shopping basket underneath (a Maclaren for example is rubbish for shopping as it tips over when you remove and there is no proper basket, and you have hang things on the handles) There is bound to be one second hand that fits the bill. A lot of people have cars and don't need that kind of buggy, just want it to fold up easily. So that is first thing.

Second thing, is, I do get his point about picking things up daily. It is quite difficult to get everything for a whole week delivered including fresh food without feeling overstocked one half of the week and completely the wrong things left the other half (if you are me!). However, you can compromise on getting basics delivered, drinks, washing powder, pasta, detergent, potatoes, loo rolls, tinned tomatoes, oil, milk. If necessary just have it delivered fortnightly. Delivery is usually only £5 - surely it is not too much to ask that you pay £5 fortnightly?

Thirdly, if you try and settle baby for some of the naps and sleeps without rocking, it will help give you a break, even if initially it is hard work to change the pattern. If naps always take place when you are out and about try and use the sleepy time for you to have a break indoors, settling baby in cot, even if just for half an hour at the beginning so there is not always association with motion. When you are on maternity leave it may be cruel to expect baby suddenly to settle without you, when there is no-one to do the rocking and carrying..if baby is at a nursery there won't be anyone to do it, and no childminder will either.

Also, could you cook supper earlier in the day and reheat it? I am thinking lasagne (to do for two meals, freeze one batch) stew, chilli con carne with baked potatoes or rice, cauliflower cheese with ham and baked potatoes. All things that can be done v easily at last moment, no real cooking in the evening. It is a big change cooking dinner when you have had an exhausting day from the prechild days when cooking dinner was vaguely recreational. I literally did not have a repetoire that fitted my new life, it was all fancy pants pasta dishes, last minute sautes, freshly steamed veg, grilled goats cheese. Not good for life with small baby at all. Eventually baby will eat same food as you, so easier it is to have dinner the better.

Frazzled2207 · 03/01/2017 16:35

By the way once you go back to work you'll have to split stuff more equally anyway so he needs to get used to the idea asap

Millymollymanatee · 03/01/2017 16:39

knittingwithnettles are you posting on the right thread? You're giving the OP all sorts of advice to manage "her chores" whereas what actually needs to happen is her DH waking up and pulling his weight.

EweAreHere · 03/01/2017 16:48

I'd sit him down and lay it out for him.

You work full time, too, and then some.

Why is his job, 5 days a week, 40 -50 hours, total, just that, and then he feels he shouldn't have to do any more.

Whereas you are on call 24/7 with the baby.

Rubbish.

I'd tell him that ends now. And I'd also find a friend to go shopping with to get the things you want, and leave him at home with the baby. And start handing the baby off and taking more time for yourself, and tell him you expect him to get some other household chores done while you're away, too. Because he certainly expects it of you!

SpiritedLondon · 03/01/2017 16:52

knitting

Seriously? You're telling the OP how to do her overwhelming chores more efficiently?

CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 16:53

HookandSwan I have considered sleep training, but she always seems to be going through another development stage when I try. She's crawling now and trying to stand, but is always more clingy for one reason or another. She's great but she's high-need, naps only for 30 mins at a time and only after screaming for a while or while being BF. How would I go about sleep training that would work?! Would it be ok to PM you for some ideas?

knittingwithnettles some great suggestions there, thank you.

Yes I think i'll start with leaving DD with him on his own this weekend for an hour or two. Ive broached the subject of us both getting an evening free a week for hobbies so will suggest we start it now for the new year. Also this needs to be talked about as I will go back to work in April and if we don't start transitioning now its going to be a big step into the deep end for both him and DD. Best way I think is to start handing over household tasks until we're more even. Baby steps...

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 03/01/2017 16:56

Ps I get a weekly shop delivered without any problem whatsoever but if you are missing an item or two then why not ask your DH to pick it up on his way home..... since he's out anyway!!!!

CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 16:57

Frazzled2207 cross post

Millymollymanatee & SpiritedLondon just goes to show how lost I am :)

OP posts:
Shantotto · 03/01/2017 17:00

I really don't agree that when you're on maternity leave you also have to do everything around the house. our leave is to take care of a baby, not be head cook and housekeeper and organiser and buyer etc.

When I was on mat leave no way was I scrubbing the bathroom or cooking a perfectly capable adult males dinner for him when I could be spending time with my baby.

MeetTheMartian · 03/01/2017 17:11

croissant you need to be careful about bout knitting advice.
It's like putting a plaster over a wound. It won't solve the problem. And yu R problem is a much bigger one that being abit more organised.
Besides, if you were working full time, you wouldn't do a bit of shopping everyday (too time consuming). And that organisation might not suit you (I've never shop everyday. Only a weekly shop).

So it goes back to do what works for YOU not what your DP tells you to do, especially as he isn't the one to do it!

SorrelSoup · 03/01/2017 17:18

I agree with everyone else. Once he's had the baby on his own hopefully the penny will start to drop and he'll stop being so selfish. I can't believe he's got away with it for this long!

I didn't mind doing the household chores but on my timetable. I drew the line at dinner. If I'd had a good day Id cook, and even then it could be a ready meal! He didn't bat and eyelid and would cook for us both. At the weekend we'd have one family day type of thing, then on the Sunday he'd let me have a day or most of a day to myself so that I'd be recharged for the following week. He still does this now.

What's the alternative? Pnd? Depression and anxiety? Resentment breeding? The outcome won't be good.

He's not being a parent at all. He has none of the responsibility.

You've got a few months to sort this out. Good luck!

MrsGB2015 · 03/01/2017 17:19

I do everything Monday-Friday. DH does bath time if he is back. On the weekends we alternate so one person gets to sleep in Saturday and the other Sunday. I still do all the cooking and most of the cleaning at the weekend, but DH helps look after DC. You can get online delivery slots for £1 at certain times and a cleaner for £20-£30 is the best money you will spend all week.

MLGs · 03/01/2017 17:24

hook are you sure the (presumably working) parents want the baby to have a lengthy nap? Sorry, i know that's not the point of the thread.

OP I cant really improve on what PPs have said, other than its utterly unfair as it is. Principle of equal leisure time is a vital one.

WorkAccount · 03/01/2017 17:39

for daytime naps, i started with not picking him up, sitting next to the cot and stroking him till he was quiet (not asleep).
Once he was quiet i would read my magazine, only stroke him until quiet then return to reading.
Once the gaps between needing stroking get long enough you move slightly away from the bed. Still giving no attention between strokes.

Carry on till you can leave the room. The naps do get longer once they are in bed being undisturbed (well mine did)

It has a name

Sillybillybonker · 03/01/2017 17:51

How about going away for the weekend and leaving baby with him? Don't tell him in advance. That will teach him ;)

TataEs · 03/01/2017 19:09

i could have written ur op. i only made it to 7months tho.
after that we got a cleaner. and oh spent sundays with ds. sometimes we'd do something as a family, sometimes they'd go to his mums. either way i got a lie in.
tbh it's still a battle 5 years on. he still thinks his "stressful job" is way harder than mine, except he can't do what i do. i could easily go to work. i couldn't earn what he earns though and i'd hate it.
sometimes i think i'll leave him. not cos i don't love him, but because then i might actually get some time off! it almost happened after the birth of our second. it may happen yet. an entitled attitude is tough on your soul. it may well wear us down.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 03/01/2017 21:03

It is simple to fix. Express enough milk for 24 hours and when he comes in this Friday night, hand him your baby and tell him you will see him on Saturday evening. Do NOT stock up the fridge or make his dinner in advance. Do NOT leave your phone switched on, DO warn your family in advance in case he tries to rope them in. And Go. If you are able to, book yourself into a holiday inn somewhere close by and get some sleep. You're allowed to switch the phone on every few hours to pick up texts.
Return home, smile sweetly and ask him how it went. If the house is a tip ask him to please fix it while you give DD her bath. Bonus points available if you manage to pinch the car keys and leave him without transport.
He'll manage. He'll be pissed off. But hopefully he'll learn. Anyways, it's just the same shit he's been giving you for the last 8 months...

igotnotimeforthis · 03/01/2017 21:17

I've read the thread with interest as i have the same problem but there is no easy fix.
These men think they are somehow above homework. My DH is the same, we have 2 DC and honestly I didn't even mind doing everything when he was working 14-16h days and because of this I somehow did excuse his lack of interest in anything to with looking after the kids or housework during his days off as well... probably a mistake as now a he's not currently working and still has no responsibilities regarding the kids or cooking or cleaning

Today for example, he came downstairs about 11am had breakfast, then went back upstairs to do some filing, or emails or bloody youtube for all i know.
I'm amazed at how i need to confirm with him if i pop upstairs to the loo for 2mins but he can wonder in and out as he pleases!
He then spent the rest of the day inthe office and not only that he doesn't appreciate what i do he actually moans that i only ever talk/care about dinner/kids etc
WELL SOMEBODY BLOODY HAS TO!!

Sorry for the long rant... I wish I could say I feel better now but I don't Sad

CroissantwithCheese · 03/01/2017 22:56

TataEs Flowers for your soul

igotnotimeforthis I hear you. I actually had a chat with DP this evening when he came in. After much defensiveness ("are you saying I don't do anything when I clearly washed that dish a week ago" etc.) we agreed to share the tasks more fairly. He doesn't believe that I have that much to do in a day but for the sake of a quiet house he is agreeable. I also think he knows right well that he's had it very good for so long and it was bound to come to an end sometime, so better this way than a more destructive end.

Thanks for all the support and comments. I'm glad I posted so I was able to have a clear plan of action when he came home, and emotions didn't get a look in.

This video about a magic coffee table actually came in handy as a way of approaching the subject of unequal housework...if it doesn't help anyone else at least it might give you a giggle.

OP posts: