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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if it's an evening invite then no kids, surely?

59 replies

QuandryQueen · 03/01/2017 12:00

A friend of ours has invited dh and I round for a meal end of the month. We both have small kids (our ds is 4, dd 2), they have ds also 4, dd aged 2 and another ds 6mo.

We accepted the invite and we're looking forward to it, however it transpires they want us to bring the dc. Both our kids go to bed 7ish and whilst we will keep them up for stuff like weddings or what not, a sit down meal at a friends house isn't something we would ever think to bring such small kids to.

Obviously we assumed their baby would be part of the evening with him being so small, and have said we are happy to wait till their elder son and daughter has gone to bed if that makes life easier - and offered to bring a course with us I should add.

They do seem rather insistent that our sons and their dd will play together while we dine but tbh I know I won't relax. Invariably small kids and late nights are exhausting and dh or I will constantly be on alert for arguments over who had what first and that sort of thing. And dd is an early bird who likes her bed and would be unbearable after 6pm

I'd rather, if kids were involved, all do a day out or meet for lunch.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 03/01/2017 12:35

I agree with you OP.
Children of those ages should be in bed surely? I notice more and more these days that children have to be include din anything and be the focal point of any get together.
Obviously, if that is the way they do it then it is up to them but if you want your children in bed then decline the invitation.
If enough people declined those invitations perhaps people would start putting their kids to bed.

TimeToChangeFor2017 · 03/01/2017 12:36

No, don't go with your kids. If your children go to sleep early and need their sleep, why would you take them?

It sounds as though their children go to bed much later and they think your two will be company for them - I agree with you, though, you wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself.

FruitCider · 03/01/2017 12:37

Just explain that your children go to bed at 7, therefore you will be getting a sitter and coming without them. Repeat until they get it.

KC225 · 03/01/2017 12:39

I have twins and regularly invite people over for dinner but my children would be in bed or as they are a little older in their rooms. If your children are used to going to bed at a certain time then you move into tricky areas with them being over tired and cranky. I don't think it's worth it.

I would state your children's bedtime as a valid reason not to bring them along for dinner and offer to meet up for 'child' lunch or BBQ which is just as fun but different when the weather improves.

MuseumOfCurry · 03/01/2017 12:39

At 2 and 4? Gosh I think I need to start training my kids

Sorry, didn't mean for that to sound smug. They were just easily mollified by screens.

BirdInTheRoom · 03/01/2017 12:39

Just say you'll come but will be getting a babysitter for your own children and will be coming alone. They can't insist you bring them, surely?!

JustSpeakSense · 03/01/2017 12:42

Just say you'd love to come but will be leaving your DC at home as they go to bed at 7.

dollydaydream114 · 03/01/2017 12:53

Fine for them to extend the invite to your children - but if you say you'd rather not bring them, they should just accept that it doesn't work for you to bring them.

I don't have kids myself, but most of my friends who are parents of small children say they welcome the chance to sit down for an evening meal with friends without their kids once in a while when the rare opportunity arises.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 03/01/2017 12:53

YABU in regard to "if it's an evening invite then no kids surely" (as others have said, the right evening invite for the right kids can work very well), but YANBU to think that it won't work for your kids at this stage. Some children can take late evenings in their stride and some can't.

I think you can reasonably say that you love the idea of being able to have lovely convivial dinners while the children play when they are a bit older, but that your DD in particular just won't cope with staying up that late right now so you will have to get a sitter for your older DCs this time.

Ohyesiam · 03/01/2017 12:57

You already know what you want, and how this would not work for you, now you need to tell them.

Cosmicglitterpug · 03/01/2017 12:57

YANBU if it won't work for you. I know a fair few peapple who let their kids stay up until whenever in these circumstances and that's fine for them, but I like my kids in bed by 7 then I can relax. I'm just not groovy enough.

middlings · 03/01/2017 13:01

I wouldn't go with the children. It just wouldn't work. I wouldn't get to string two sentences together without interruption. It would be a total waste of time.

I know people who would though as it would work for them!

BasinHaircut · 03/01/2017 13:20

Depends what type of night it was. More formal dinner party type effort, or a 'come over for tea' type evening.

My friends and I have the latter quite regularly but those evenings are utter chaos and there are usually at least some tears. But people do escape whenever they need to, there is no expectation to see 3 courses through and have an after dinner drink etc. It's more help yourselves.

Trying to do a dinner party with such young children sounds like a bad idea.

Cosmicglitterpug · 03/01/2017 13:25

I might add, that arrangement would put me off going to. I'm not groovy enough for other people's children post 8 o'clock either. I turned down a recent New Year's Eve party invite on hearing a load of kids (under 7) were going to be there. Not my idea of a fun evening.

Cosmicglitterpug · 03/01/2017 13:25

*too

user1477282676 · 03/01/2017 13:29

I think you should give it a try. I was a bit When I first moved to Australia and this seemed to be the "thing". People expected us to bring our DC and like their DC, they'd be expected to chill together, play, watch TV.

It's actually quite nice. Yours are a bit small maybe...but it could work.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 03/01/2017 13:31

We used to do this with friends.

They would have Raclette or fondue for the adults which was no hassle eating, and make a party tea in the living room for the kids with a movie or games and toys.

Kids would wander in and out a bit, but the food didn't spoil and it was their house so if they were happy to watch the jam being flung around the living room walls then so be it!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 03/01/2017 13:33

I think though, that they are relying on your dc to entertain theirs, so that they can eat too. Otherwise they (and you) will spend all your time entertaining the one?

maddiemookins16mum · 03/01/2017 13:34

I can't think of anything worse than going round to friends for a nice meal in the evening and being surrounded by kids (including my own). It doesn't make it an "adult" evening. I'd only do a "bring the kids" on a Sunday lunch type thing.

TheLambShankRedemption · 03/01/2017 13:34

You don't know until you try it.

I did many of these when the kids were younger, the little ones just fall asleep on the sofa or an airbed so was never a problem and a nice way to get out of the house and be social without costing a fortune.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 13:41

I agree neither way is wrong, I was more like your friends, she came with us and was part of the evening, never had a problem that stuck out in my mind, others prefer not to take the kids. Just explain your issues and why they won't be coming, I'm sure they will understand, but do expect their kids to be up and about.

Flingmoo · 03/01/2017 13:47

I wouldn't... My 2 year old stayed up til nearly 10pm once and it took days for him to get back to normal! That's only 2 hours later than his usual bedtime but at that age, insufficient sleep really has an effect! He was kind of cranky and sleeping longer for naps etc for several days.

ViewBasket · 03/01/2017 13:53

Tell them the timing doesn't work for you if the children are going to come with you. Some children do of course get cross/weepy if they are kept awake beyond their normal bedtime, and you know your own children best. If they don't like the DVD they may be asking "When are we going home?" regularly too! Suggest you either meet for Sunday lunch or another daytime activity soon with the whole family, but for the dinner you'll be getting a babysitter.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 03/01/2017 13:54

We do include the children when we have friends come over or go to their house.
Usually the DCs will eat first, then they are left to play while we eat. If they are disturbing us, the TV can be turned on. If they are tired they can lie down in a bedroom and will be woken up when we leave. Most of the time they behave better than usual (because they are aware that they should normally be in bed?).

ThirdThoughts · 03/01/2017 13:55

It's just different expectations, you were expecting a more formal adult dinner party, they were inviting the whole family over for a relaxed meal. Neither are wrong, they are just different occasions.

I think it would be a bit odd for you to go and leave the children now you know the point was for the children to have friends over too. If it doesn't suit you to bring them then that's up to you, I suppose, and organising it earlier/later to suit. But I'd like the relaxed family meal, yes it would be interrupted at times, but its nice enough - unless you go with the expectation of an adult dinner party, then you would be annoyed because even if your children aren't there, theirs will be.

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