Christmas Card saga...

[SparkyStar84]

Well maybe not quite a saga, but hopefully you'll understand. It's my first post here too, just getting to grips with everything.

Anyway...

I was looking through all the cards we'd received, the cards from school for the children, those sent by relatives. I was shocked to find on one everyone's name but mine was included.

My DC has a friend, they're really close, play together, do extra curricular activities together, they're inseparable.

Arelative picks up DC from school and DS and his friend walk home from school, whilst the adults natter to and from school.

The friends Mother is also quite friendly with DH, they text each other a fair bit.

The card was signed by the whole family, pets, everyone bar the spiders hiding in their webs. But my name was excluded.

It's my relative who picks the DC up from school, so they're well aware who I am and that I exist.

AIBU unreasonable to be a bit peeved at being missed off the card, when it was signed from the 'whole' family, pets included.

DH said he might have missed my name off the card he sent, he couldn't remember whether he sent it to the whole family or just the Mother and child. They even swapped gifts.

I know DH isn't all that complimentary about me, as he never really has been. He always finds fault no matter what.

Is that an excuse to exclude me from the card.

I know it's trivial when world events are pretty horrid, but it left me a mix of being upset and annoyed. I thought it was rather rude. All my friends included DH on their cards, without question really.

So AIBU to think the woman was being rather rude? Considering my relative got a card and present, as did DH & DC. But it was like I don't exist which quite upset me.

Family politics and the nature of the relative, means that it's hit or miss if they have a good/bad word to say about you. I know DH will definitely have been negative about me. We are told not to judge a book by its cover, but it looks like this woman has and is judging me on the views of others.

I add again I know if's trivial, but it's left me feeling quite hurt. DH doesn't seem keen on me trying to strike up a friendship with her, but regardless, I can't see any valid reasons why my name was negated.

Happy New Year to you all, wishing you a marvellous 2017.

[JigglyTuff]

He's chauvinistic, he's encouraging your children to treat you with disdain like he does, he is friends with someone who excludes you and he's a great dad?

Nope, not buying that.

[leccybill]

Do you think they might be more than friends?
It seems obvious from here.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Ugh. He bad mouths you to other people, then has an intimate friendship from which you're excluded. Well, the obvious answer is that he's told this woman you are separated. So that he can have an affair with her.

[MardyGrave]

I think he's told her you are separated, you work away a lot and he's the full time parent.

[Chris1234567890]

"I think he's told her you are separated, you work away a lot and he's the full time parent."

This. Absolutely.

[notapizzaeater]

Lots of red flags here - I'd start hunting and inviting myself onto the little meetings

[NotYoda]

"I know he will definitely have been negative about me"


That is an extraordinary thing to read. That's a bad marriage. For you to believe that someone who is meant to be your biggest supporter in life would criticise you to people you know (and people you don't know) is a very bad sign.

I think he is side-lining you to this woman too.

[CursesAndBalderdash]

"One thing I resent is that the children think he's next to Godly because he takes them to & from school, doing the odd chore here & there. It's rubbing off on the eldest a bit which is irritating, we'll set up a family activity with DC & myself, the eldest will tell me what to do without even thinking twice.

On that note I keep telling DH, I really don't want any of them thinking it's ok to speak to anyone like that. I can't imagine the next generation of snowflakes would tolerate it."

I don't think it makes people "snowflakes" not to want to be spoken to like shit.

[NotYoda]

And if he's having an affair he's being totally unsubtle about it, which means he must not care all that much whether you find out of not

[NataliaOsipova]

Hmmm. I don't the card thing in itself is a big deal - potentially just an act of thoughtlessness on the part of someone whipping through a pile of Christmas cards. I'm at home with my DC; accordingly, I go to things with them/know people through school etc that my DH has no idea about. So there may well be people who would think of us - and write a card to us - as Natalia, DD1 and DD2 and missing off DH. And they'd mean no offence whatsoever - they just don't know him so he's not in their immediate consciousness when they are writing it.

If you know the woman in question better than that, then - yes - I can see why you might feel piqued, but I can't say that on its own it's a big deal. It's just a bit thoughtless. Some of the other stuff you describe, however, sounds a lot more worrying..... Slagging you off to others really isn't nice and isn't on - and certainly not if it's done in earshot of your children. You have every right to feel upset about that.

[NotYoda]

Dame

I totally agree with that post about men doing normal things being revered.

I sat in a coffee shop yesterday - there was a dad with baby and toddler getting all sorts of fluttery eyes and indulgent looks from people. That kind of hard work is what women do all the time

[diddl]

So it's a relative of yours who missed your name off the card?

I'm not sure why your husband missing your name off would lead to them doing the same anyway tbh-unless they were under the impression that you were no longer part of the family.

That aside, your husband sounds horrible.

[tooclosetocall]

SparkyStar84, from reading your post, your husband has you right where he wants you - there for when and what he needs, and excluded for the rest.
The whole thing smells of rotten eggs to me, I would start digging around now.

[RitchyBestingFace]

Women always trot this out on MN, he can be the most hideous twat but it's ok he is great with the children

And these men who are 'great with the children' / 'great dads' NEVER ARE. It usually means 'he doesn't treat them quite as badly as me.'

[tooclosetocall]

Digging around for proof that is.

[diddl]

"Family politics and the nature of the relative, means that it's hit or miss if they have a good/bad word to say about you."

Ok, just seen this.

So, if your husband did forget your name she would have deliberately missed you off, or she may just have decided that you are out of favour atm?

In which case she sounds too petty to bother with.

It's your husband's behaviour that I'd be looking to.

[paddlenorapaddle]

I'd grab the first school run of the new year and see what happens call the bastards bluff

[GloGirl]

Good influences to my children are, at a very minimum, those who respect my kids and respect me. I'm sorry but a chauvinistic disrespectful unkind Dad is not a good Dad.

Forget the other woman. It's your husband who you need to concentrate on, it's easier to lay blame on someone else's feet but if I asked my husband if he'd included my name in our family he'd say "Of course I did!" He wouldn't admit there's a possibility he'd exclude me.

[dowhatnow]

Obviously she's going to think you are a nasty piece of work and that he's only with you for the children's sake, if all she hears about you is negative things. 100% negative from dp and hit and miss negative from the relative. So I don't think she is BU in the slightest, of course she going to judge you. She's not your problem at all.

You are sure that dp is always negative about you and you do nothing about this? You let it wash over you? Why? Your kids are copying him and treating you disrespectfully. You have a relative who is "hit and miss" over what they say to you? Are they nasty or is there some basis to what they say? Why do you let them treat you with no respect either?

Your problem isn't the card, it's your relationships with other people.

[SparklyMagpie]

Oh goodness! Yes the card would be the least of my worries OP!

I also find it odd they both missed your name off though

Something fishy is going on

[ohtheholidays]

He's having an affair!

I'm sorry OP but it's obvious! He puts you down all the time,bought the other women a present,left your name of the card and then she did the same,he won't allow you(who the fuck does he think he is your parent)to join in with any hobbies where the OW is and they text each other all the time!

For all you know he could have told her that you've split up.

Bugger the Christmas card,get rid of the awful man you call your husband before his behaviour rubs off anymore on your DC.

[JerryFerry]

Maybe she believes he's on his own with the children? That's how it comes across to me.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Just for info, sticking up for me with other people is one of the most basic expectations I have of my partner. If he didn't, if he let them criticise me unfairly, never mind criticising me to them, that would be a massive issue of 'end of relationship' proportions.

It sounds as though you view antagonism as providing a spark in your relationship in some way. You've gone from that to deciding that basic rules of courtesy, friendship and love need not apply. Thereby ignoring all sorts of red flags and letting terrible behaviour wash over you. I'm afraid it sounds as though that approach has bitten you on the bum.

Speculating a bit there but that's what I read from your 'can't live with or without you' and other posts.

[dowhatnow]

It might just be the card giver is under the impression you are a nasty piece of work, given all the negativity about you. She may have no designs on your dp at all or maybe they are getting it together, but either way she's irrelevant op.
You need to concentrate on why you let your dp treat you as he does and why you let him diss you to everybody. He must be like this to everyone if you are 100% sure he talks negatively about you.

Forget her and the card. Look at the relationship. What do you get out of it? Why do you stay? How can we help you?

[bloodymaria]

Yeah I think he's just let her believe that he's single and available, maybe easier for him since you don't live together. He's being a twat because he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Bin him off? Please stop letting him treat you like shit though whatever you do.