To consider leaving DH if he doesn't sort his health out?

[lbsjob87]

Sounds harsh but hear me out.
We are both 40, together 18 years, married 12, 2dcs (8 and 3).

Neither of us are particularly gym bunnies, and we could eat healthier but while I try my best to fit in exercise and healthy food choices as much as possible, he doesn't.

He works shifts, breakfast is coffee and a cigarette (yes, he smokes, but thinks that because it's outside the house it doesn't affect the kids).
He buys petrol station sandwiches for lunch, or pizzas - his job means he doesn't get a set lunch break and there's no canteen or anything.
I have tried to get him to take in leftovers but he always forgets - he either goes to work before I wake up or when I am at work so I can't physically give it to him.

I have suggested we go to the gym or even a walk together so many times, but he is always too tired or makes another excuse.
He will happily wander round shops for hours, but hates anything that involves being outside.

He does most of the cooking because although I am a reasonable cook, he insists on hovering around, telling me what he would do, and then commenting when it's cooked that it's "OK, but I would have added this/done that". So I gave up.

He is easily 5st overweight - every night he snores like a train, this has got worse the heavier he's got.

Plus he's had a hacking cough for FIVE months, which keeps me (and him) up most of the night.

As I said he started smoking again and has made several half hearted attempts to stop, but admits he doesn't want to.

Just recently, he has been getting lots of muscle pain in his upper back, and his breath smells like rotten eggs, especially when he burps. It is literally sickening.

He refuses point blank to see a doctor. His dad died just over a year ago, from cancer. His dad was exactly the same, stubborn, and had his particular symptoms for over four years before he was forced to see a doctor because he ended up in hospital.

My DH is supposed to have a yearly check up to make sure he hasn't got his dad's symptoms (he has a 1 in 3 chance because his dad had it). He was supposed to go in November, he hasn't been.

But he was like this long before that happened so I don't think it's connected.

If I make him appointments, he either cancels or just doesn't turn up. His mum has tried getting through to him.
The common response is "It'll be alright, stop nagging."
I've told him he stands to leave his kids without a dad, he says "Yeah, I know. But I might get hit by a bus tomorrow."

I'm not saying he will definitely get cancer, but he is heading for an early grave, and to be honest I don't think I can stop him.

So I am considering leaving, and letting him get on with it. It sounds harsh, but when i think about the future, I genuinely don't see him in it, and I don't want to be the one to wake up and find him dead in bed.

The kids idolise him, but I think it would be easier for them to live apart from him and shock him into action than to live without him permanently.

Am I an absolute bitch or not?

Sorry, posted too soon

I can appreciate your position, but sometimes with men the more you push the less they want to do what you say, men want to solve their own problems and will want to think they solved it all alone. As I said if he lost his Dad he is still grieving and as much as I can understand you're position , I think you need to step back and say okk he's an adult and he's making his own choices. As others have said if you cannot continue living with him, because you do not love him or he is dsmamging yours or your children's self esteem or health that's another matter.
If you think leaving with change him, I think you will find it makes him feel worse and less likely to care for himself.
Dr Xand van Tulleken from operation ouch has a new book out which I am using, as a man to man guide maybe it can help him, its not just a weight loss or die book, its a whole lifestyle change and written really well, not condescending like some. Or maybe talk to his mates and see if they can get him to join them in something on the weekends to bring more exercise into his weekly routine.

Ax for the fought, yes he needs to get it checked, but try not to worry, I have had coughs last months in the past and they have been nothing but small infections in the voice box area that was persisitant. Still just book and appointment and tell him its booked so just go to shut me up!

I don't know if you can change people at their core, but you can often force them to change their behaviour. In reality you have some power over him, he isn't going to want to lose his family over this. I sympathise hugely with comfort eating, not looking after yourself and so on, but for him not to agree to at least try and tackle things or see a doctor is absolutely unacceptable. He really needs to be told. You are going to have to frogmarch him to the doctor's if need be. Just make it more unpleasant for him to continue as is than it would be unpleasant to make changes. I am sure you can think of many ways to do that. I know I could.

You are going to have to go into this with absolute determination. I think it is reasonable to tell him that you will be considering separation if he makes no effort here. I know it is hard, but he has to do this.

One thing that might help is if you all, as a household, go on a bit of a health drive. If he won't join in, cook separately for you and the dc. Make his choices less convenient and less routine.

My DH was the same and I eventually told him that I was embarrassed by him and that I found him unattractive. Was really harsh of me and he has never forgiven me but it was a turning point for him.

A few year's later he now runs races and bikes 30 miles at a time.

It's now me who needs to sort myself out

OP just to say, if you have a mortgage you might find you have life insurance cover already - it's often a condition of taking out mortgages, so that might be something you can cross off the worry list. I agree you won't get critical illness cover for him now though, I'm afraid.

I feel for you op as I have a dh who is just as stubborn and ignorant of his health. He had a blood test back in September but won't ring for the results!!! Like why?? If I mention it he says I'm nagging bangs doors gets the hump etc ??? He diesnt look after his health at all ignores every symptom, avoids seeing a doctor about anything. I have tried shocking him with statements that he could die because he's an idiot but only the other day he then was telling me what songs to play at his funeral FFS!!! I told him I give up now and I'll enjoy the money when he's gone! He still won't listen! So I'm with you all the way op YANBU in any way.

For me the relationship wouldn't be rocky because I was worried about his health but because I no longer fancied the bad breathed snoring lard ball he had turned in to.
I would be telling him this but long before things got that bad. I can understand him preferring a sandwich to leftovers for lunch but the other stuff sounds gross.
You have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your husband as he is now rather than the man you married who I presume was different. Pretending it is all due to a virtuous worrying about his health is obscuring the main problem that you no longer fancy him and it sounds as though you don't like him and have no respect for him

Perhaps you could try approaching this from a different angle.. Is he very nurturing and caring with the children? If so then trying to make him see what kind of example he is setting for them might turn on a light bulb somewhere for him? Say that he is encouraging an unhealthy lifestyle and the kids will pick up on it, and that his children will also be at high risk of developing his father's illness too so he needs to do everything he can to minimise the risk for them. Setting a good healthy example will help minimise them suffering the same end as his father.

No, you are not a bitch, however, no action you choose to take is going to change someone's healthy choices.

Changing health behaviours, or any kind of behaviour for that matter is a process. You DH doesn't even seem to be contemplating change, therefore I think it would be extremely unlikely you leaving him would send him straight to the action phase where he actually changes his lifestyle.

I would advocate that you have a frank discussion with him about your thoughts about the future, and discuss together what the outcome is likely to be.

I can see it's tough and frustrating that your DH is burying his head in the sand, but I think you're being a bit harsh. It sounds as if your DH may be depressed and feeling fatalistic about his health. But your constant criticism and disappointment can't be helping. Change will only happen with love.

There are lots of people whose health is poor, who become unwell partly through bad choices and partly through a predisposition. It doesn't sound as though this bloke is being unkind or intolerable in any way. I tend to feel that if the vows about sickness and health are so irksome it might have been better not to marry this flawed human being.

Not everyone makes in sickness and in health vows these days, plus it sounds as though he's more fat and lazy than unwell. He isn't known to have an actual illness at the moment other than obesity which is more of a risk factor for disease; but his lifestyle choices of inactivity smoking and eating too much mean he is likely to become ill, along with his genetic risk of the mystery disease.
No-one has to stay with someone in the 21st century. Marriage is meant to be a choice not a life sentence.

You are not being unreasonable, and are certainly not being a bitch.

What sort of example is he setting for his kids?

He seems to have no respect for himself, and it's hard to believe that he has any respect for anyone else - he doesn't seem to care if he leaves the children fatherless and you a widow.

Even without the snoring / sleep depriving cough, you would have good reason to call it a day. You can't make him want to live a healthy, happy life. And if he doesn't manage to kill himself, you are the most likely person to become his carer if he has a stroke and is rendered incapable of looking after himself. Even if he manages to dodge that bullet, your retirement together doesn't promise to be relaxing and happy for you, does it?

He sounds very selfish. Leaving might be the wake up call he needs and let's face it you've tried everything.

My own DH drove me mad with his laziness for over a year until we discovered that he had a long growing tumour. He died a year after diagnosis. Throughout our 17 years together we both had MH issues, and I had to go into rehab early in our marriage. Had either of us not kept plugging away, loving, supporting and doing our best, our marriage might have failed early on, instead of being an immensely loving, tolerant partnership. The last year of our marriage was the happiest. If you know the very worst all the minor irritations disappear, leaving nothing but love.

Had we given up on each other we would have missed so much. One of my brothers is bipolar. My DSIL has had a lot to handle but her kindness and courage have kept them close and his MH has been helped by his knowledge of her support.

Very many of us will face problems with our mental or physical health as life progresses. Saying LTB as soon as someone struggles will leave us all the poorer. I've just been staying with my DPs. Both in their 80s, they navigate each others frailties to make life's quality. If we live so long, will we still be forgiving of human vulnerability? Their marriage has hit rocks but floated on and I see them as an example. OP too will hit her own problems, and I think she might do better to take the long view and keep trying to convince her DH to take more interest in his health. He may already have decided he's doomed to die young.

I think you sound as if you've done all you can. What more can you do? Give him a knockout drug and take him to GP. What then? Being forced to go to the GP doesn't mean he'll listen.

We have more accessible information now on illness, causes and preventative action than at any time in history. He knows he's killing himself and he doesn't care.

To be honest after all you've done I wouldn't blame you for leaving. Why martyr yourself? He doesn't respect or love you or himself. This is unreasonable behaviour from him. I would expect my husband to leave me if I became a stinky slob who wouldn't let him help me or help myself.We're not perfect or gym bunnies but we love and respect eachother, ourselves and DC enough to look after ourselves.

Op, it sounds like your partner has health anxiety. Some people with it find reassurance from going to their GP's while others just avoid them like the plague. It nearly becomes like a crisis to them when they know they need to be seen.
You mention his dad died of an illness in the last few years. Maybe he has a hidden anxiety about everything that happened. Perhaps he knows that he has a higher chance of illness and worries if he goes to his GP he will be told he actually has one !
Either way, I sympathise with you. It must be a very frustrating situation to be in. You could threaten to leave him in the hope it will shock him into taking responsibility for his health. I have my doubts though. He really has to accept he has a problem before any progress can be made. I hope for the sake of your kids it works out 💐

prawn that was a lovely post. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks, Mandiba, that's very much what I was trying to say. It sounds to me that he's scared and is putting on a facade of not caring when he secretly does.

I feel OP is more likely to succeed in getting him to take action through love than through criticism. When I was trying to get my DH to attend his GP I appealed to his love for me and the DC. Calling him a dickhead or a burden wouldn't have worked half so well. Poor bloke was scared rather than negligent.

Thank you, madmomma. I count myself lucky to have had him for so long.

Exactly Prawn, it's a bit like people who suffer from panic attacks. They become so uncomfortable that eventually people start to avoid the places where they have them. Maybe you DH is like that? The worry about his health is like the panic attack & going to see his GP is the place. Some people can confront their fears better than others.

I'm a year younger than the man in question. My Mum dropped dead last year of a heart attack.

I've been really struggling to hold my life together. I just have no energy or motivation. Work drains me. My diet is poor, my exercise is non-existent. I've gained 2 stone.

I used to be very fit and strong and active.

I know full well I'm depressed.

I also know I need to drag myself back to a fuller fitter life for myself and because I owe it to my partner. I go through this every few years - we have been together for 10 and she's seen it once before. This time is the worst I have been, but I have taken the first few steps to start trying to regain my mental & physical health, and I have held my shit together at work through some long hours / high pressure months.

Thankfully I have a loving and understanding partner.

I think it's rather telling that the OP seems to effectively be saying her husband repulses her, rather than she is deeply worried about him, and doesn't seem to have considered that watching his Dad die of cancer may have tipped him into a poor state of mental health. A friend of mine went through that in his 30s. He basically lost it, quit his whole life (no kids) and disappeared to the far east with a rucksack and spent 6 months getting wasted.

If its all about you OP, then just go, you'll be doing both of you a favour in the long run.

Harsh on the kids, but you seem to have invented a justification for that already.

Some people need to read the full post. The husband of the poster expects the poster to keep her appearance in line with his preferences/tastes. Why are so many people glossing over this point? I despair

Dear OP, hugs and best wishes.

Hi DorindaJ I've had a quick reread as that point about the husband dictating to his wife about her physical appearance is unknown to me. I can't find it though - would you mind saying where it is please?