To consider leaving DH if he doesn't sort his health out?

[lbsjob87]

Sounds harsh but hear me out.
We are both 40, together 18 years, married 12, 2dcs (8 and 3).

Neither of us are particularly gym bunnies, and we could eat healthier but while I try my best to fit in exercise and healthy food choices as much as possible, he doesn't.

He works shifts, breakfast is coffee and a cigarette (yes, he smokes, but thinks that because it's outside the house it doesn't affect the kids).
He buys petrol station sandwiches for lunch, or pizzas - his job means he doesn't get a set lunch break and there's no canteen or anything.
I have tried to get him to take in leftovers but he always forgets - he either goes to work before I wake up or when I am at work so I can't physically give it to him.

I have suggested we go to the gym or even a walk together so many times, but he is always too tired or makes another excuse.
He will happily wander round shops for hours, but hates anything that involves being outside.

He does most of the cooking because although I am a reasonable cook, he insists on hovering around, telling me what he would do, and then commenting when it's cooked that it's "OK, but I would have added this/done that". So I gave up.

He is easily 5st overweight - every night he snores like a train, this has got worse the heavier he's got.

Plus he's had a hacking cough for FIVE months, which keeps me (and him) up most of the night.

As I said he started smoking again and has made several half hearted attempts to stop, but admits he doesn't want to.

Just recently, he has been getting lots of muscle pain in his upper back, and his breath smells like rotten eggs, especially when he burps. It is literally sickening.

He refuses point blank to see a doctor. His dad died just over a year ago, from cancer. His dad was exactly the same, stubborn, and had his particular symptoms for over four years before he was forced to see a doctor because he ended up in hospital.

My DH is supposed to have a yearly check up to make sure he hasn't got his dad's symptoms (he has a 1 in 3 chance because his dad had it). He was supposed to go in November, he hasn't been.

But he was like this long before that happened so I don't think it's connected.

If I make him appointments, he either cancels or just doesn't turn up. His mum has tried getting through to him.
The common response is "It'll be alright, stop nagging."
I've told him he stands to leave his kids without a dad, he says "Yeah, I know. But I might get hit by a bus tomorrow."

I'm not saying he will definitely get cancer, but he is heading for an early grave, and to be honest I don't think I can stop him.

So I am considering leaving, and letting him get on with it. It sounds harsh, but when i think about the future, I genuinely don't see him in it, and I don't want to be the one to wake up and find him dead in bed.

The kids idolise him, but I think it would be easier for them to live apart from him and shock him into action than to live without him permanently.

Am I an absolute bitch or not?

Sounds a difficult situation to live with.

However, you need to be honest/ clear with yourself about why you want to leave him.

Is it because you don't want to be with him anymore?

Or is it because of what you say in your last para 'It would be easier for (the children) to be without him and shock him into action, than to live without him permanently'? Because I would bet my house that if you (and the children) left him under guise of shocking him into action it would be unsuccessful.

He has the spectre of his own ill health or death hanging over him and he is still unable/ unwilling to take action. Effectively punishing him by taking the children away to spur him into action is unfair and as I said almost certainly ineffective.

Leave him if you want to. Leave him because you don't want to share your life with him any more, (though obviously you need to share your children). But don't expect your leaving to cause positive change in him.

If you leave him, you will have no say in how he lives his life. It would be then up to him to look after himself for the sake of his children.

How could OP enjoy having him around when he behaves like he does?

I had similar but it was mental health issues. He wasn't taking responsibility for it and it was having an adverse affect on us all. I thought about it long and hard for about 18months which resulted in me giving him an ultimatum of three achievable things to do in 10 weeks. I explained that if he didn't do these things then I had no choice but to ask for a separation. I said that I didn't want to end up hating the father of my children but the ball was in his court.

He didn't do it. We separated and only then did he truly appreciate what he was losing. Fast forward and he put the work in to address his issues rather than using them as a hook to hang any unacceptable behaviour on.

We are back together and stronger than ever. We remained friends throughout the separation and continued to co-parent. Weirdly, communication was never an issue and we still regularly talked and I continued to support him with his MH.

It can be done but does need both of you to bahave like adults and put the children first to minimise the effects on them.

"How could the OP enjoy having him around? "

Well she married him so I'm assuming some of his good points are such that they compensate for things like eating pizza for lunch or burping. Which of his behaviours do you find unforgivable?

If he loves his kids then show him some of the threads on elderly parents.

My parents were very unhealthy in their middle age. Lovely people but bad diets and no exercise. They now have numerous health issues. Diabetes, heart disease, incontinence. List goes on. And yes my sisters and I are having to deal with it.

They are house bound with very little quality of life. So, he needs to realise that is where he will end up. Incapable of enjoying retirement, a burden on his kids etc.

If he doesn't get that then yes, perhaps leaving is the best thing.

By the way, the smoking. I really know how hard that is to kick. The electric cigarettes called ten motives are really good. You can buy them online (re-chargeable bit) and the capsules at sainsbury and co-op etc. They really are like smoking but without the yuck.

My DH refused to deal with his snoring. I put up with it for years and years. Once we'd got a sympathetic GP I went to see her and explained the issues he was having, then booked a joint appointment and made him come. He wasn't happy but when somebody else as well as me was telling him he had a problem it made him listen.

He was referred to the sleep unit and it turned out I'd been right all along; he was suffering from sleep apnea. He got a machine and doesn't snore anymore, thank the lord. Better still, he feels better.

Tell him you did mean your vows about the in sickness and health bit but you hadn't anticipated it being when he was still in his 40,s when you also have young children to also look after.

Tough luck if you get ill before your spouse 'anticipated' you should then.

I find the following behaviours unforgiveable for an already unhealthy 40 year old man with a wife and two very young children:

He could eat healthier but while his wife tries her best he doesn't try at all.
His breakfast is coffee and a cigarette and he has no intention of stopping smoking.
He buys petrol station sandwiches for lunch or pizza on a regular basis.
His wife makes healthy lunches for him which he never bothers to take to work.
He is always too tired or makes another excuse when his wife tries to encourage him by suggesting they go to the gym or go for a walk.
He does most of the cooking and hovers around his wife telling her what he would do and saying her approach is OK, but he would have added this/done that.
He is easily 5st overweight due to his overeating.
Every night he snores like a train which has got worse the heavier he's got.
He refuses to go to the doctor with a persistent hacking could which keeps his wife and him awake.

He also refuses to see a doctor for persistent pain in his back.
His breath smells like rotten eggs, especially when he burps which his wife finds literally sickening.
He refuses go to recommended annual visits for screening for a potentially hereditary terminal ilness which killed his father which could leave his own DC aged 3 and 8 suffering the trauma of losing their father at such an early age.
He scathingly refers to his wife's concern about him dying by saying he could get killed by a bus.

He cancels or doesn't turn up for medical appointments his wife and his mother make because of their concern for his health and he tells them to stop nagging.
He isn't concerned that his wife might wake up and find him dead in bed.

EmeraldIsle100 I get what you're saying but there's an awful lot of filling in the gaps in your list as to the husband's motivations!

I think looking after your own health is a complex issue and much psychology lies behind it. It doesn't feel fair to state as fact that he's scathing or isn't concerned. I don't think we can say that.

I certainly don't know in this particular case but people can ignore their health issues because they feel frightened and powerless to tackle them. Not necessarily contempt or lack of concern for loved ones at all.

It is certainly a difficult situation, but I don't imagine it's an uncommon one in households where one of the members doesn't look after himself/ herself.

Whilst I can certainly appreciate your perspective, it would be a teensy bit unreasonable to leave him because he won't take care of his health.

He has a choice, however there is very little you can do to get him to make better choices and start to take care of his health. I suspect he is terrified of finding out that he is ill

The worst of this is that you and your children will be the ones to suffer the consequences of his behaviour/lifestyle.

I imagine you are heartily fed up of talking, ecnouraging him etc.

What I would do is take out comprehensive life cover and other insurances (medical, loss of income) on him, so that if he does become seriously ill, how the bills will be paid won't be another worry.

I am very sorry and hope that he sees sense before something life limiting/serious occurs.

Without your husband choosing to change his lifestyle and/or a visit to the doctor's it does seem as though he may end up very ill. (Hug)

How was your relationship in better times?

It sounds from your post like he has no redeeming qualities at all.

I would hope that if I was in bad situation health wise (self inflicted or otherwise) that my husband would not leave me and would try to help me see error if my ways first.

When you say you don't want to be the one to find him dead in bed it sounds cold and as if the love is gone. If you do feel that way then his health problems are really beside the point.

Changer, I disagree, what I hear in the OP, is exasperation and care.

Pigletwaspoohsfriend - he is ticking boxes for the self inflicted department not unanticipated surely?

I'd be worried about the cough. Persistent cough lead to my dad being diagnosed with heart problems.

The breath would have me concerned about peptic ulcer.

I'd sit him down and tell him that you need him to come to doctors with you and get checked out about the pain and breath - wouldn't mention weight. Then I'd book an appointment and physically take him.

It's worth a last shot before you leave

If my DH was like this he would not be the man I married and I would leave him.
I would also not expect him to put up with me behaving like that.

Thanks for all your responses. There's been a slight twist in the tale today. His mum messaged me and ask me to call her, I did and she was in tears within minutes.
She has been trying to get through to him as well, but she just gets told it's fine, and that he will "sort it".
She only lost her husband 14 months ago (and her mother shortly afterwards), and is now convinced she's going to lose her only son as well.
We have had another talk, because he wanted to know why I was on the phone to his mum for so long. He insists he is going to get better but I have heard it all before.
I like the 10-week plan idea - I will put it to him tomorrow when he gets in from work.
Maybe I need to let him decide what needs sorting out first. I think the cough is priority, so will insist he sees the doc about that as a matter of urgency and see where we go from there.

lbsjob87 you have my sympathys. I'm in a very similar rut with my dh, been together 17 years. Mine has 6 stones excess weight, sleep apnea and horrendous snoring to the point we've been sleeping in separate rooms for the last 14 years.

He has recently been diagnosed with skin cancer and has cream to apply to the affected area. HE WONT APPLY IT. He gave up after a couple of weeks.

I feel like he's dragging me down, mood, motivation, everything.

BUT then I think it is his way of being, sticking head in sand.

TBH if I was swept off my feet right now by a handsome stranger I'd be gone

So no advice, just understanding.

The coughing and the bad breath sound pretty bad, especially with his history, I can understand why you are concerned. He seems to be on a self destruct path and if he can't see what this could do to your family, perhaps it is time to go.

Both of my DP's parents have had cancer, as well as other people in his family. If he didn't go for his checkups, I'd give him a whole different health problem to worry about!

Wishing you the best of luck!

You'd be lucky to GET life or critical illness cover for him to be honest AND it would require a medical check.

Will needs sorted at least. Point out he needs to consider what he might leave to his MUM (a ridiculously sad situation to plan for which he SHOULD realise) that'd hopefully bring him up short. Good thing you're married or you could be stuffed!

He is being incredibly unfair and uncaring towards you, his kids and his mum! How is it (smoking among other things) affecting his kids? Because they're probably worried sick he's going to die! As are you and his mum.

Given his symptoms he needs to see a dr asap, no more procrastinating. A cough that lasts that long is very worrying.

He doesn't 'forget' to take the healthy lunches he chooses not to. Just as he chooses to keep smoking despite we all know how dangerous it is, and he chooses not to even attempt to eat healthily or take any exercise.

Time to be very blunt!

My DH coughs a lot and he has emphysema as well as ischemic heart disease. Hes only slightly overweight but thats due to his medication. Hes nearly 67. He did smoke but gave up at 56 when he had a heart attack.

The reason im saying this OP is it could be the early stages of emphysema in your DHs case A cough for 5 months is a pretty persistent one.

I'm kind of a bit further down the line with this problem. My dh is 47 and massively overweight. Our children are 6 and 5 and when we started a family I nagged and worried myself sick about his weight and heart (his parents both had heart attacks at 40 despite no weight issues, smoking etc). He's asian so it's in his genes. Shortly after having the children, my dad died and dh got me through it. We continued to argue about his weight. Then dh was diagnosed with an agressive head & neck cancer pretty much linked with his younger debauched lifestyle. He recovered and has made some effort with his health (barely drinks now), but he's fatter than ever and refuses to exercise, so I'm expecting a heart attack any day really. Facing the prospect of the children losing their Dad made my priorities clear to me: I felt the best thing I could do is keep the family together so that when he does go, they'll have had as much of him as they possibly could have. I love him, although I'm not in love with him anymore. Thing is, even if I left, the children would still have to see him deteriorating, and if anything would feel more burdened by looking after him because I wouldn't be doing it. It's a really tough, complex situation you're in OP and I don't think there is an easy answer. Pros and cons to staying and leaving. What seems such a clear cut decision to outsiders can be an absolute web to you when you're in the situation.

I feel for you OP. The problem is that even if your DH agrees to make some changes, it then puts you in the position of policing them, eg noticing and feeling let down if he sneaks out for a cigarette or misses medication. If he drops back into bad habits then you will be doubly let down.

Wow, this thread is so sad.

I can emphasise a little as I live with my Mum who, despite having had to deal with and watch smoking kill her Dad when she was younger, smokes like a chimney.
She's 65 and it's started to affect her health quite severely, she just hacks and hacks all day, gasps for breath after going upstairs (she isn't overweight) and produces tissue after tissue full of green phlegm, constantly.
She won't be told, and when I try it causes massive arguments where she will bring up all my foibles (but not drink/drugs/fags!). I'm just SO hurt and frustrated that she is willing to let me suffer and nurse her and watch her die the way she did with her Dad. I know a stroke or heart attack is coming.
I considered getting her an e-cig for Xmas, as I know many people they have helped, but it wouldn't have been welcome. Smoking is killing her and she doesn't care.
So, although I guess i'm in no position to offer useful advice I can relate, in some small way and feel your frustration, anger and pain.

I think the poster who said mentioning getting his affairs in order to him might be a good idea though.... He wont expect to hear that.

Sounds like he's stuck in a rut and actually his working life is not ideal and many people in shift work find it bloody hard to get access to the foods he should be eating and eat at the best times, also I know myself the more I'll you feel the less you want to exercise and it becomes a vicious circle.
It also sounds as though his Dads death may be affecting his emotional state.
I certainly would not leave him, after it was in sickness and in health your vows.
I would talk to him.
My brother had cancer and was extremely I'll he survived and as a family we hoped it would make him change his lifestyle, he did for a short time but soon went back to his old habits. There is a reason we are in an obesity crisis, and that's because its NOT easy to stay healthy anymore. We have convienencedour whole life and now we are conditioned. I think YABU
You cannot make him into someone else he is this person right now and when he wants to change he will.

Just recently, he has been getting lots of muscle pain in his upper back, and his breath smells like rotten eggs, especially when he burps.

Oh god. lbs, he needs to go to the GP post-fucking haste. I had exactly those symptoms and was diagnosed with chronic gastritis. I still have them when it flares up and it's terribly uncomfortable but even beyond that, untreated gastritis if left long enough will cause pernicious anaemia - I have it. It will also significantly increase his risk of bleeding ulcer and polyps both benign and malignant. I hope between you and his mum you can get him to go in, good luck!