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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to leave

54 replies

Mrsonion123 · 01/01/2017 20:38

Am I being unreasonable I think I'm going insane!

My husband of 5 years has packed his things and is leaving in the morning

I feel absolutely sick stomach in knots

We can't agree on anything
He blames me for everything
He has told me he nearly joined a dating site because of the lack of affection
He said if he stays with me he will be dead in 5 years because he will drink himself to death

He has started lashing out at stuff around our house

He says I need to have consequences for my actions

He started smoking because of how stressed I am making him

I don't work he does and he said I need to get my dog put down because I can't afford to pay the insurance

He says I have no idea how much my actions affect him personally and it's my fault if we argue that he does nothing at work that day

Sorry this is just a rambling of stuff 😩😩😩

OP posts:
HackAttack · 01/01/2017 22:06

Can you add any of the context to the above? Is any of it fair?

1cansee4miles · 01/01/2017 22:06

If it is depression then he needs to seek help but won't until he himself recognises that something is wrong. A break can give him time to reflect. Do you feel like his personality has changed? That can be an indication of depression.

2rebecca · 01/01/2017 22:13

He won't actually go

mineofuselessinformation · 01/01/2017 22:16

So everything is your fault?
I don't think so.

Original poster
Mrsonion123 · 02/01/2017 10:35

So update he has actually gone.

I'm worried about his mental health but I can't go on like this

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 02/01/2017 11:08

OP I really think this was the best move at this moment in time. Of course you're worried about him. You don't stop giving a damn about someone's wellbeing just because everything's hit the skids.

But out of the two stay/go options this is the one necessary for all of you.

Try not to make any big decisions yet. Give it some time to see how things pan out. Is he going to get some help? Does he want to change? Do you want to change? Do either of you want to end this permanently? All these questions will be answered with the passage of time.

dollydaydream114 · 02/01/2017 11:23

Speaking as someone with a background of mental health issues, it infuriates me when people jump into a thread about abusive behaviour with "he might have mental health problems".

"Having a mental health problem" doesn't equal "being a prick". You can be mentally ill and, quite separately, also be a prick, but one rarely causes the other.

Suggesting that all unpleasant, aggressive or hateful behaviour in a relationship might be due to mental health problems means that many women stay with abusive, violent or controlling men in the mistaken belief that they have to put up with it because "he can't help it" or "just needs the right treatment".

As I say, I have had significant mental health issues myself, so I certainly take mental health very seriously, but it is not an excuse or an explanation for the behaviour described by the OP.

RebelRogue · 02/01/2017 12:00

His mental health is not your responsibility. You cannot get help for him,you cannot fix him. You do not have to put up with abusive behaviour because there might be a diagnosis lurking somewhere. And most of all you do not have to be miserable just because he is.

RB68 · 02/01/2017 12:21

It is v common with a newly diagnosed type 1 diabetic (or type 2 to be honest) to struggle with the diagnosis - it is lifechanging and many many people go into denial which means their blood sugars are not managed and it effects how they are and how they feel as well as physical stuff in terms of related illnesses and sugars being too high or too low if insulin isn't right

He is being unfair regarding finances however if he is not well he might also be feeling the pressure of being the sole income. He is not being unreasonable re lids left off things, he is being unreasonable to undo it for you so it sounds like half a doz of one and six of another.

What have you done to help regarding the diabetes?? Diet changes, cooking, shopping, relooking at family diet?? That is something you need to do together - he does need support as do you.

Are you aware there is the possibility that the children may also be at risk of diabetes and what this means??

He has left and you are worried about him - so what is your plan going forward.

I think it is naive to ignore the diabetes in all this it does affect mood, it does cause depression (Extremely common) and it does cause people to kick out at those they love and feel safe with.

Original poster
Mrsonion123 · 02/01/2017 12:32

He was diagnosed April 2016 so yes it's new but not like weeks new.

I've gone with him to every appointment, changed his drs because we were having issues. Booked appointments yes helped with diet but yes I could be better with that.

He works a lot and I have the kids 6 days a week as it stands I've also been building a business myself which I've had to give up because of all of this.

The lid thing he was completely unreasonable with so I don't agree with the 50/50 responsibility there. I left the lid off he should have said "you've left the lid off and I'm really upset about it because you did that" I would have apologised.

OP posts:
Marynary · 02/01/2017 12:42

It sounds as if you could do with a break for a while. He probably is feeling depressed following his diagnosis and relationship problems will only exacerbate this. I don't agree with those who day he is "abusive".

1cansee4miles · 02/01/2017 13:02

It is a frightening event but as I have said not irretrievable. You have both been under immense pressure and it is unsurprising that one of you has cracked. It can feel like you are the only adult and have an extra child but he is an adult too and needs to face up to his own behaviour. You have a lot to think about for yourself and your children. Try not to rush into any decisions, take the time to research your options and think about what your ideal outcome would be and what you think the actual achievable outcome is likely to be. Be kind to yourself.

strayduck · 02/01/2017 13:02

How is his sugars? My husband is type 1 and when he is very low he acts out of character.

1cansee4miles · 02/01/2017 13:18

Just to add, I agree with Marynary. I have been through similar circumstances. Good people can fall apart and life becomes hell but you can pick up the pieces if you both want to. The behaviour you have mentioned is familiar and you don't mention physical abusive or fear of him which would make it a different matter.

1cansee4miles · 02/01/2017 13:19

abuse not abusive

SheldonCRules · 02/01/2017 13:20

If he's unhappy it's best he's gone, life is too short to be unhappy all the time.

You need to reinstate your business or find work though, two children, one adult and a dog won't be cheap to feed and house and other than chid support you currently dot have any other income.

laureywilliams · 02/01/2017 13:26

Glad to hear he's gone . For now if not permanently. How long has this been going on? Does it predate his illness?

Original poster
Mrsonion123 · 02/01/2017 13:26

My business wasn't making any money as it was only the first year so I would need to find other options.

I've been a sty at home mom for quite some time

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsonion123 · 02/01/2017 13:27

It does predate his illnesses but definitely got worse since then

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 02/01/2017 13:29

As I pointed out yesterday, his sugars might be affecting his moods BUT that doesn't excuse his long term financial abuse or behaviour in relation to the OP's dog. The diabetes is relevant but it shouldn't obscure the rest of the picture.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2017 13:32

I don't really understand, you say you leave the lid off things all the time, so I'm sure it's been part of a discussion before where he has already told you, but you still do it. It's a total pain in the ass when people leave the lid off stuff and then you spill it not realising.

Anyways, he's gone, so I think your focus now should be in seeing a solicitor to sort out the financial side, then you will need to work out custody etc and the two of you can move on.

Original poster
Mrsonion123 · 02/01/2017 13:35

Yeah it must be annoying for him but my point was the way he handled it. It was an example of a lot of ways he can't handle his emotions. It's hard to explain in one thread it's all a big mess

I'm not saying I'm perfect no one is

OP posts:
Marynary · 02/01/2017 13:47

I don't think it is a very good example of how he "can't handle his emotions". If he is fed up with the relationship to the extent that he wants it to end, I don't think that refusing to open a lid bottle that you had left open is really up there in terms of terrible behaviour.

Original poster
Mrsonion123 · 02/01/2017 13:55

Ok well there are other examples in the original post

This morning he is saying I am the one kicking him out despite it being a mutual agreement yesterday

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 02/01/2017 14:34

Does he blame you for the diabetes?