Aibu to think this about MILs

[justanotherusername0]

To think that sometimes MILs ...( am not generalising and not saying every MIL only has good intentions as I clearly don't know everyone's MIL) act picky or make digs etc not because they're a nasty person...But because they simply want the best for their son/daughter ?
I don't know most MILs to be fair but there does seem to be a lot of bad mouthing on boards. Some is yes justified in my opinion...But some seems quite petty... Could it be that the MIL is just looking out for their kid? Like I am sure we would do for ours ? We stand up for them right ?

Very interesting and insightful posts everyone thank you

Perhaps there is also an element in some families of the MIL feeling second to your mum if that makes sense ? I know my mum stays and helps much more simply because for example when DC w as young I was obviously more comfortable with my boobs out with my own mum etc!!!
I don't know as I said my child is young so..
Will reply to other messages shortly!

Invisible - I think my MiL feels like that.

My exh's mum was fantastic. It never felt like a battle with her or that she saw me as competition/a threat. Consequently we spent a lot of time together...sadly the exh was the problem that time but so many MiLs would be better off trying to build a relationship with their DiLs. Then it's win-win for everyone.

Just, I've heard a few women say they're worried about overstepping the mark as MILs compared to DMs. My HV said she has no problem stepping in with her daughter but has no idea how far to go with DIL so as to be as helpful as possible when new baby arrived, yet let DIL know it's still her house.

MIL actually told SIL (her DD) that it's easier with DD because she can tell her what to do but she can't tell me because I'm DIL and it's my DM's place to tell me what to do. You can imagine how well that went down with SIL (who is very independent) and I find every bit of her statement bizarre. Probably doesn't help that my DM is the last person I'd ever take parenting advice from...

Also MIL was a lactation consultant so I don't mind her seeing my boobs. She's seen a lot more of them in the last few months than either of us ever intended for her to.

I see your point though. It's an interesting tension. Trying to interact with someone in some ways you would your own children but they're really not your children so how far can you go down that road?

ollieplimsoles - I have no idea why some perfectly normal mils go batshit crazy once dil has a baby though... -

That's something I'm still trying to understand. My MIL's behaviour literally switched a few weeks before I gave birth. It's like she suddenly became this bitch of a person. She became super clingy with OH and went out of her way with little digs to make me look bad. Once baby was born she became an even bigger bitch. Not even going to go into details as I have made a few threads about her but the woman actually thought that her family is just her, FIL, her 2 sons and GCs. She literally told me she would prefer to come round to our house if I'm not there and demands that I go out.

I believe that Some mils cannot cope with another woman in the family. They definitely feel threatened, that's for sure. I also feel there's a level of jealousy vis a vis DIL somehow. Don't understand y though. There's also an element of neediness because they want to be the most important woman in their son's life. And if said MIL has a narcistic personality, then dil is doomed. I also feel that it's as if they want to play mummy which i find disturbing. My MIL wanted a daughter so bad but she had 2 sons. When DD1 was born, she thought that I should stop breastfeeding and leave her my baby with a bottle. She was obsessed with feeding my baby with a bottle to the extent she caused so much drama about me stopping breastfeeding.

It's funny how I've never seen any woman moan on Mumsnet abt their mother telling them to stop breastfeeding. It's always the MIL. Why do they have such issue with breastfeeding. I don't believe it's a generation thing otherwise both sets of grandmothers would have issue with it but it's only from MIL. Can anyone enlighten me on this? Perhaps an MIL on here can tell us why they feel that way? I'd love to understand this.

For the MIL and DIL relationship to work, in my opinion the MIL needs to treat DIL as part of the family, as they would treat their own daughters. My parents treat my OH as if he is their son and he loves them too.

Never a day goes by when I don't curse my MIL. I think she's one of the nastiest person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. A manipulative, nascistic, aggressive, passive agressive piece of work.

I think even when our children are children we need to think twice before intervening and potentially bullying another child. When your child is an adult there is no excuse for it.
DsIL are often in a weaker position, after having DCs, than their husband's in giving up some financial and professional autonomy and this is often the time that bullying can take hold. It seems that sometimes PsIL feel some ownership of DIL if their sons are the main breadwinner and have a say in how she spends her time.
I think also it is a time in life when MIL feels the most powerful and there can be some resentment that a DIL doesn't have it as bad as she did.
It's definitely a phenomenon and it's pretty disgusting. The way that a DIL can be treated in some other countries is further along the same misogynistic spectrum, in the same way that women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia and women here are often not confident in driving or let their husband's do the family driving etc.

Many mils don't really see dils as part of the family. I think that's the problem.

My brother's sister and her dh are cunts. They're overbearing, and really rude, but mil can't see that or willfully ignores. However if either me or dh's brother's wife even breathe the 'wrong way' she'll sulk.

I think it's a hard one, everyone's family is different so you have 2 completely different family traditions/upbringings to make allowances for ...
I am lucky I know my family are odd and most definitely not perfect, and I know his family are odd ... so we are all odd and we make it work, I don't act any different around my family than I do with his (apart from I mind my swearing with his )

My MIL is a nice lady

I remember when me and my husband first moved in together she asked me if I would be making his packed lunch for work...and the horrified look when I told her that I would not be - as he was an adult.

I understand her intention in this question - but it did make me snigger.

It depends on the individuals.
For every horrendous MIL there are probably just as many horrendous DILs.

I have known friends who are just horrible to their MIL. They expect their partners to cut off affection and contact from their own parents. They will allow their own mother unlimited access to the grandchildren but are horrified if their ILs want the same amount of contact.
I think a horrible DIL will probably become a horrible MIL. It is about insecurity and possessiveness.

I think a horrible DIL will probably become a horrible MIL. It is about insecurity and possessiveness.

Its so funny you should say that because my mil was also a horrible dil! And my fil's mother is lovely! As a young dil, mil was very possessive over her children, but with her own mother too, she shut out my dh's gma and still constantly complains about her to this day.

Oh the irony.

So true about terrible mils being terrible dils first. My mil was an awful dil to the point where mil went nc, and her daughter is a terrible dil too as she's constantly looking for ways to restrict her mil's contact with nephew. Cycle repeats.

YANBU.

A few weeks ago there was a thread about good things MILs do. I mentioned that mine is lovely, I'm pregnant and have a 3yo, difficult pregnancy and she has offered so many times to watch DD while I rest and nothing is ever too much trouble for her. She never makes me feel bad for this and takes care of us when we go round etc.

Someone pointed out that while I find this great many others would see this as horribly interfering. Which I find weird but I do think MILs get a hard time with some people. The amount of threads where MIL looks after DC once a week to save hem on childcare and the DIL gets pissy because they take a photo or two really make me feel sorry for some MILs!

My mil was lovely. She died and this 1st Christmas has been very odd.

IWasJust - I suppose it's 2 things, with your own adult DD, you will have had a lifetime of working out where the boundaries and limits are, you are more likely to already know what's 'too far' as you've already had those battles with her as a teen. Plus with your own DD, it's more likely she's going to parent the same way she saw you/the woman in your family do it. That's what normal will look like so it's less likely you will disapprove of her choices if they are mirroring the ones you made. A MIL may mistakenly think where the boundaries are with her own DCs are where the boundaries should be with her DIL/SonIL.

Dailyfail1 Many mils don't really see dils as part of the family. I think that's the problem.

Totally agree! It's been made clear to me on so many occasions.