Aibu to think this about MILs

[justanotherusername0]

To think that sometimes MILs ...( am not generalising and not saying every MIL only has good intentions as I clearly don't know everyone's MIL) act picky or make digs etc not because they're a nasty person...But because they simply want the best for their son/daughter ?
I don't know most MILs to be fair but there does seem to be a lot of bad mouthing on boards. Some is yes justified in my opinion...But some seems quite petty... Could it be that the MIL is just looking out for their kid? Like I am sure we would do for ours ? We stand up for them right ?

I can understand why a MIL might feel protective or threatened by her DIL. The mother/child bond is very strong. Not that it excuses controlling, unreasonable behaviour.

I don't really get why a DIL might feel threatened by a MIL unless the MIL is abusive (see above). I know that my MIL is a bit protective, she is good to me and I respect her but I totally get that blood is thicker than water and she has been in his life longer and that she will always be the most important woman in his life. That doesn't threaten me and he is not a mummy's boy at all. She is normal and is happy for us but as his ex wife cheated on him she is naturally wary that he doesn't heart his heart broken again.
Although her behaviour doesn't show this, we have had a heart to heart about his ex and she has asked me to look out for him...which I am more than happy to do.

Remember we only get one side of each story on here.

And when you think of how some posters react to even the slightest disagreement/criticism on a thread they started, actually asking if they're being unreasonable, you can make your own mind up as to whether they're telling the truth about their MILs or the truth as they see it or they remember it.

How many times has a thread been deleted and you see someone explain to someone else, what the thread was about from their own perspective/POV, and you sit there thinking WHAAAT? That wasn't how the thread went at all?

I have no idea why some perfectly normal mils go batshit crazy once dil has a baby though...

I was just about to start a thread about this! I really like my MIL, but she does grate at times. I've been trying to get to the root of the issue.

I think it's true what PP saying about their role being devalued by accepting that the modern way (aka DIL's way) of doing things is actually sometimes better.

My MIL has been staying with us to help while we have baby twins and a toddler. I can see there are times she wants to advise me but lets it go which is fine. There are times she suggests things that I disagree with, and as long as she doesn't keep pushing this is also fine. The really annoying things are when she clicks her tongue or rolls her eyes rather than just saying something.

Examples include my sticking to government guidelines regarding cheese and alcohol when pregnant. "That wasn't 'in' in my day." But I can see now she would have to accept these days that things she unwittingly did could have seriously hurt her babies, so she's defensive.

I say baby doesn't need baby oil - she sneaks in and slathers it all over him. Then makes a big show of how nice his skin is. It already was perfect. But that's how she did things in the past. I let it go.

What's really annoying is the helping without giving me any credit because I'm younger so she just assumes I'm hopeless. Expecting everyone to sit down at the table for dinner at exactly 5:30pm with a wonderful nutritious meal cooked by me with two newborns is just dreaming. To her she's showing me a template for how things should be. Honestly if she asks me one more time (at 3pm on the dot every day) "have you decided what's for dinner, mum?" when I literally haven't had time to use the loo I'll scream. Every day! And every day I say, "I haven't actually had time to look in the fridge yet but I'll let you know when I do". After weeks of, "yeah no you go eat because I have to change these nappies then pump milk again then get toddler in bed and I'll see you around 9pm" she relaxed the 5:30pm rule a bit. Yesterday she even said, "can you see I'm trying to get you in the habit of thinking about dinner?" I explained in detail why sitting at the table for a meal is for people who don't have newborns and how I managed to get us all fed just fine until the twins arrived, and how we will all be sitting at the table as soon as certain members of the household can even sit, and there is nothing wrong with takeaway for us because toddler has already had his own nutritious meal.., But she is really trying to help.

I feel I could easily be offended and react badly to all the things she says/does or I can just see that it's coming from a place of love and defensiveness and just let it go. I really do let a lot of things go to keep the peace.

This will be another case where things seem very petty, but it's pretty constant and builds up. And I realise this is nothing compared to the actual evil MILs (and DILs).

No Malificent she isn't and shouldn't be the most important woman in your DH's life. That role finished for her when her DS grew into a man.

My DS is turning 36 soon. He has a lovely partner, she makes him very happy, and I hope and trust he does the same for her. She is his life long partner, I hope, and I would hate to think that I was more important to him than she is because that would surely mean that their relationship is not a strong one.

He is a man with his own life to live and she's sharing his life with him. One day they want to have DC together. How could I possibly want to see myself as as important to him as the woman with whom he has children.

I think it just depends on the individual. Some MILs are controlling/interfering ... but so are some DILs. An awful lot of 'My MIL is terrible' threads seem like a case of 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' to me.

The 'wanting what's best for your child' is probably natural, but some MILs just take it too far. When I was 18 I had a boyfriend whose mother made him phone her when he got to my house (an hour away by train) to let her know he'd arrived safely. He was a 22-year-old man, FFS?! What did she think was going to happen to him on a hour-long train journey to visit his girlfriend? This was before mobile phones, so he had to phone her from our landline as soon as he arrived.

Weirdly, her concern for his safety didn't extend to his health, as she started giving him her cigarettes when he was 14 and regularly discouraged/sabotaged his attempts to give up.

Sometimes you read about a MiL on here and think well that's not really too terrible, until the OP explains further and the issue is just the latest in a long list of ongoing unacceptable behaviour by the MiL.

Then you go the other extreme where you need no further explanation, the MiL is obviously bonkers - e.g. wears a wedding dress and veil to her DS's wedding and weeps loudly through the ceremony. I've read that on here and really you know there will never be a normal relationship between her and the DiL.

Also my MIL has this weird habit of tallying up how long we've each "had" DP. "He was mine for 22 years, and now he's been yours for 18 years. He's still been mine longer. That will change over time though. One day he will have been yours longer. That's the natural order of things". Good lord! I just smile and nod. She can enjoy her weird possessive melancholy.

My DH had 'issues' with his DM but he still loves her. When she is difficult with me I try ( often fail) to remember it is harder for him. She is his mum when she does something stupid/ insensitive/ thoughtless he feels worse than me. He doesn't need me banging on about my issues when he feels crap cos his mum is a cow. I try to hold a united front and help him because his mum's thoughtlessness guts him every time.

I feel for mother in laws, it seems they are treated very different by women.

Daughters tend to be close to their mums and husbands are expected to be ok with that whereas many wives feel their husbands should ditch their mums as they are more important. Quite why they are threatened by a parent is beyond me.

I think many parents of adult children have to bite their tongues at the choice of partner their children take or the lifestyle choices they make. They darent say anything for fear of never seeing their child or grandchildren again.

I think that a lot of mils use the 'i want what's best for dc/dgc' to thinly veil 'i want wants best for myself' actions

Examples: My mil hated me breastfeeding, she didn't do it and she was looking forward to bragging to all her friends about how she feeds the baby her bottle. So she would constantly put doubts in my head like 'i dont think she's getting enough 'she would sleep through if you gave her a bottle' 'she must be starving all the time' ect.. 'im only thinking of you and dd' she couldn't stand I could do something on my own.

She wasn't happy that we chose to get married in a small venue with close family, as she couldn't invite her long list of work friends she loves to show off to, so she would be PA about 'what people might think of us' 'im only suggesting inviting xyz so they don't think badly of you'

Jesus Christ!!

I adore my sons now grown up and partnered and love my dils and glad they have moved on and we just support them all. My dils are friends as are our sons.

It's not tricky at all you just treat people coming into your kids lives with respect! Our grandchildren are cherished and we respect our sons/dils way of patenting! Why wouldn't we? Wierd not to.

If anything I am more protective of my dds now teens but equally we like they boy friends.

I think many parents of adult children have to bite their tongues at the choice of partner their children take or the lifestyle choices they make.

There are ways you can advise without putting relationships in jeopardy. Also, if you are commenting because you just don't like it, then you will alienate your children

I have no patience with the bollocks of interfering.

Maybe because we had our 4 young and still have a life ourselves so we love and support our adult kids but we now can so what we couldn't do in our twenties

i see what your saying op and I can certainly imagine DC bringing home BF I would deem unsuitable...however - isn't it rather arrogant of a MIL to make digs at her grown sons choice of partner?

I guess the mil usually gets round this by declaring the partner to be manipulative, cunning, tricking her poor innocent boy into relations....but again by doing this they are again undermining their sons choice arnt they.

arf Rorty or the one wear the MIL wore Mourning Dress to the wedding and serve drinks from her car boot -

MIL is a bit protective, she is good to me and I respect her but I totally get that blood is thicker than water and she has been in his life longer and that she will always be the most important woman in his life

Now that is a really fucked up dynamic.

I have been with dh since he was 21...now married and together 12 years in total. So yes, MIL is still 'winning' in the how long she has known him stakes...but 16 years of that were her knowing him as a child, not an adult.

In terms of the adult DH, I know him much, much better than MIL could ever hope to, because we've shared the last 12 years of our lives...we've been married, bought our home, supported each other, talked extensively about careers/hobbies/interests/life in general, had dc etc.

Accepting that MIL will always be more important to your dh than you is very sad IMO.

I entered the Mil/Dil relationship in a very positive and respectful way, not wanting to rock the boat and wanted to be seen by them as a good decent Dil. This was not to be. I never answered back, just 'stored' things she said in my head for later analysis as I like to think things through and I often gave her the benefit of the doubt. Over the years we have quietly distanced ourselves so as not to have any arguments. I get the feeling I am the 'bad' Dil she probably always wanted. I suspect she made things up to her family to make it seem so. I think she tried to push my buttons and probably got annoyed when I didn't answer back. She used to play little tricks, like saying hello to everyone when they walked in her house but said nothing when I walked in last. I told my husband. He didn't believe his Mother would do that, until he saw it for himself. I really do believe it's a power thing. None of us want to be like that, we all like to think we would be marvellous Mils, but I guess things happen along the way.

I don't get all this 'most important woman in his life' business. I have 2 adult sons, I'm their mother. Nothing and no one is ever going to change that. We have a healthy relationship, I'm glad they are the men they are, and proud I brought them up. The relationships they have with their partners is completely different to the one they have with me and it's absolutely not my role to interfere. I would be mightily pissed off however if their partner didn't show our relationship the same respect. I don't get to pick them, they don't get to pick me. I'm sure there are plenty of dysfunctional MILs, but I do roll my eyes at a lot of what I read here, it definitely isn't a one way street.

It's so so hard. For my part I think our issue was that for the long time I was with my husband before I had a child I just let him deal with his family and the demands weren't bad as we were young and didn't really have many opinions on things. They weren't really involved in our lives very much and that was fine- they didn't get involved but also didn't offer the same level of practical help as my parents. I wasn't really bothered about it as we are really pretty independent and always have been. I thought our relationship worked and enjoyed their sporadic company.

But then we had a child and all of a sudden PIL had made huge plans for the child, and how we were going to parent, where our baby would sleep/how they would eat and put huge amounts of pressure on. At that point my hackles went up majorly and as they realised we weren't going to accept them attempting to control our lives they seemed to get angry and want to exert more control. It's a tough cycle and I don't really know what the answer is.

It's so so hard. For my part I think our issue was that for the long time I was with my husband before I had a child I just let him deal with his family and the demands weren't bad as we were young and didn't really have many opinions on things. They weren't really involved in our lives very much and that was fine- they didn't get involved but also didn't offer the same level of practical help as my parents. I wasn't really bothered about it as we are really pretty independent and always have been. I thought our relationship worked and enjoyed their sporadic company.

But then we had a child and all of a sudden PIL had made huge plans for the child, and how we were going to parent, where our baby would sleep/how they would eat and put huge amounts of pressure on. At that point my hackles went up majorly and as they realised we weren't going to accept them attempting to control our lives they seemed to get angry and want to exert more control. It's a tough cycle and I don't really know what the answer is.

I have just put this on the other thread..
I get on brilliantly 2 of my DCs partners, DS2 married, DIL is lovely, great relationship and DD has a lovely long term partner, although not married I refer to him as Son in Law...
DS1s ex on the other hand, I'm sure would slate me, I'm apparently responsible for anything he does wrong, his MH issues (Bipolar)/ his ASD and her choice to have children by him, even when she knew he was mentally ill.
*I feel for her childrens future partners when they are grown up.^

I get grief because I expect my DC to conduct their own lives and not to be tied to apron strings.
I will support of course, I refuse to get involved in spats and take sides. I'm not interested!
Apparently I should 'sort my son out'..umm he is mentally ill, he has Aspergers...and 28...yep..that'll work...health professionals wouldn't take any notice when he was a kid, like they will listen to me now! He is high intelligence/articulate so wasn't viewed as a 'problem' until he grew up. She made no attempt to get to know us him before having children, she chose to have children by a man who couldn't hold down a job, home, had no money, and has a criminal record due to MH problems...and its the 'MIL' who is the problem..okkkaayy...
And before someone wades in to say he should have taken precautions, yes he should, but his MH problems on top of asd mean he doesn't consider consequences and as such is easily manipulated. by a woman with ticking biological clock
He now receives psychiatric care and is on medication but had to do that for himself, you cannot force your adult offspring to go to doctors.

She is very much tied to her DM and thinks all families should be infantilised close

My relationship with my other DCs partners shows I'm not a bad person or a bad parent...Its not always the MIL.

ollie I didn't realise the 'going batshit crazy once DIL has a baby' was a thing. I sadly saw this with my own DM and my DB's lovely wife

My DM is a very kind person (although never calm or easy going) and she and DSIL were really close until the first grandchild arrived, and from that time DM saw only wrong. Despite us all trying to stop it, she could only see exaggerated or imagined failings in DSIL, and couldn't stop herself from trying to protect her son and grandson. I have no doubt it put enormous strain on their marriage - the irony being that in trying to 'protect' DB she almost brought about the breakup of his family.

I don't understand why she acted that way. My only thoughts are

• DM very strongly identified with her role as mother and wasn't at all ready to change to a grandmother
• DM had a horrible childhood. She overcame that to become a fab mum, and would do anything for us. I suspect that not having the control to do what she thought was 'best' for a child she loved triggered some bad childhood stuff for her

My SIL was amazing. She never fought fire with fire, and always made sure the children saw their grandparents, even during the worst times. We're 10 years on and things are much smoother now.

My own MIL on the other hand is utterly amazing! I love her very, very much and feel incredibly lucky. FIL is also fab. DD was devastated when they went home after Christmas, and I would have loved them to stay an extra couple of days too. Although we did really benefit from having some quiet family time once everyone had gone home, so I guess as always they got it right

ollieplimsoles - I have no idea why some perfectly normal mils go batshit crazy once dil has a baby though... - I've often thought it's about the role as "Mum of the family" changing to "Granny of the family". Granny is a secondary role compared to Mum - who is the one 'in charge' of the day to day parenting of the child of the family. Some woman seem to want to hold on to their "Mum" role and resent being demoted to "Granny".

oh X post with Strawberry who's seen it first hand.