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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this was a mean thing to do?

59 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 31/12/2016 23:10

Went to a small NY party and it turned out one of the women there was a woman who had been to my school, but some years above me, and she said the following

  • couldn't believe I'd got married
  • she was 'sorry" for calling me names at school (I didn't know she had!)
  • my DD was pretty and 'didn't look much like me'

I just left.

AIBU to think I'm just going to stay home with hubby and babies from now on?

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 01/01/2017 00:38

She remembered you. If you were such a nobody she wouldn't have.

You are a somebody xxx

triskellionoflegs · 01/01/2017 00:41

I think a good response would have been : 'oh dear, you're rather showing yourself up with your rude comments aren't you? Maybe slow down on the drinks for a while - I'm sure you wouldn't want to be causing offence to people'.
It doesn't matter what she thinks does it? So don't let it bother you - she's not your friend, and doesn't know you, so put it down to her having issues of her own, which you don't need to understand :-).

elodie2000 · 01/01/2017 00:41

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, all you need to say is 'Gosh I'm so sorry, I really don't remember much about you...remind me of your name again...'

Alibobbob · 01/01/2017 00:45

Are you sure she remembered you? Maybe she had you confused with someone else.

Stay home with your family if that's what you want to do but don't let this sad women's comments upset you x

YouTheCat · 01/01/2017 00:47

At least she remembered you.

Only a few remember me. I think they've blanked me out. Grin

MakeItRain · 01/01/2017 00:55

Yes you should have said "I'm really sorry I don't remember you at all, are you sure you've got the right person?"
Silly woman. She was jealous of you for some reason.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 00:56

The only bit that may be sincere was the apology.

The other comments sound mean. She sounds a sad twit.

Enjoy your new year whatever you are doing.

Thanks

Pluto

"Saying someone's children are lovely looking and that they don't look like one parent is not an insult... It's a compliment, and then a remark."

I would say that saying someone's children are attractive and don't like the parent is an insult of the parent.

"And commenting that you can't believe someone got married is more of a surprise about age than it is about actually getting married, as a PP said. "

I'd only imagine this worked if the OP was 16 or something now, which I am guessing she is not.

So I agree with the OP, '... this was a mean thing to do?' But if it ever happens again, don't leave.

Simply ignore. Go off and do something else or simply say...

"I don't remember you calling my names. Yes, my daughter is beautiful, just like me. Why would I not get married?" Then walk off while she was thinking of her next stupid comment. Smile

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 00:58

I think its possible you were looking for a reason to leave and turned this womans fairly banal comments into a much bigger deal than they were.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 00:58

Lots of cross posts. Oh, no, triskellionoflegs and elodie and rain have much better comments than me!

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 00:59

I would say that saying someone's children are attractive and don't like the parent is an insult of the parent

It really isn't. My daughter is beautiful, but she looks nothing like me. This does not make me any less gorgeous, its just a statement of fact. You could tell me she is beautiful AND like me, but you'd be lying.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 01:04

user1480946351 but why say it? It is a pointless comment. A comment that your kids look like you can be well received, usually, a comment that your kids do not look like you can be badly received sometimes.

My son looks nothing like me, he is adopted, my daughter doesn't look much like me. I do think it is insulting to say someone is attractive and then say they don't look like the person you are speaking to. Whether it is meant rudely or not, that is another thing but I think it can be taken rudely.

When dd was born (she is gorgeous) one friend was almost physically flabbergasted that we, me and dh, were her parents. I didn't say or do anything but I felt it was an intentional insult. Like visiting someone and saying, 'my aunt has an amazingly beautiful house, it is nothing like your house.' Two facts maybe, just two facts.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 01:05

an unintentional insult. But I am not sure it was meant that way at all!

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 01:14

I do think it is insulting to say someone is attractive and then say they don't look like the person you are speaking to. Whether it is meant rudely or not, that is another thing but I think it can be taken rudely

I think its one of those things that if you want to take rudely, you will. IT's more about your issues though. Unless its clearly meant as an insult, and lets face it, its not a very good one. Much easier insults to be made.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 01:44

I think implying it can be taken as non-insult is kind of questioning other's judgment of a situation they were in, and you were not in.

I know when it was said to me the person was a friend. I know they would not have said it meaning something mean. But in the opening post it does sound like it was intended. So assuming the OP has taken it wrongly really questions her own judgement, to me.

Anyway, OP I hope you have had a lovely time at home.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 01/01/2017 04:39

I didn't remember her. Plus, DD does look like me. Far more beautiful but definitely my daughter.

OP posts:
Yoshimibattling · 01/01/2017 05:11

I think she sounds rude but making comments like that as an adult is probably a sign she's insecure about her own life, rather than a reflection on you.

GruochMacAlpin · 01/01/2017 05:28

Cherry was there, if she felt insulted then it's pretty clear that the woman was rude.

Cherry another time, smile politely and say "well it's been so lovely catching up" and laugh in her face.

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 05:33

Just because you feel insulted doesn't mean you were. People are always complaining on here about being insulted by entirely non insulting things.

Like I said, I think any excuse to leave, when you didn't really need one.

Pluto30 · 01/01/2017 05:59

I didn't remember her. Plus, DD does look like me. Far more beautiful but definitely my daughter.

Meh.

My mum thinks I look like her in every way, but I don't. I have my dad's eyes, brows and cheekbones and this is commented on all the time by people who knew him (and both of them). Doesn't stop her insisting that these features of mine come from her.

Just because you think she looks like you, doesn't mean she actually does to other people.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 01/01/2017 06:12

And why bring up unpleasant things you said some twenty years ago? [confusd]

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 08:34

No idea why people use 'meh'. Does it mean I don't agree.

Pluto, do you think the OP's dd doesn't look like her because you don't think you look like your mum?

I think insisting another person doesn't look like a family member is rude. But clearly you thinking you don't look like a family member is different. We can have our own options about ourselves but sharing our opiniond about other people's looks is quite a different thing.

Yoshimibattling · 01/01/2017 08:46

I think cherry is allowed to judge if her daughter looks like her!

I met an old schoolfriend at a wedding 20 years on. He had been part of a group of boys who hadn't been very nice to me. He went out of his way to be friendly and take an interest in my life now. It felt like he was sorry but he handled it maturely. An apology would have been very uncomfortable.

Yoshimibattling · 01/01/2017 08:49

So should add, it doesn't sound like her apology was sincere. If it was she handled it very awkwardly.

OhMrBadger · 01/01/2017 09:36

Sounds to me like she got you confused with someone else.

It's in situations like thist where a quick "well, she wasn't very nice was she boys and girls?!" will suffice!

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 01/01/2017 10:40

She definitely knew who I was, but anyway it doesn't matter, I feel better about it all now as after all she's really not important.

OP posts: