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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Making digs at my baby, Aibu?

73 replies

UserOneMillion · 31/12/2016 12:40

DS is 4 months old.

Stepmother can make thinly veiled digs. Yesterday she commented DS was really small, he's not, he's on the 75th centile.

She kept saying it, I was sleep deprived and fed up with her behaviour this Christmas. I replied that maybe it's in comparison to her year old grandson (who's she's just seen and is a very large child). She snapped back that so and so's baby is the same age as mine and is a lot bigger, I pointed out that's likely because she's bottle fed....

Aibu to think she was being rude?

OP posts:

harderandharder2breathe · 31/12/2016 13:57

You both sound rude tbh

LockedOutOfMN · 31/12/2016 14:04

Whether it's intended or not, she is being insensitive. Can you ask her to stop making those comments, or ask your dad or husband to do so?

Your comment about the other child being bottle-fed was hurtful, though, and unnecessary. If I were you, I would apologise for saying that, regardless of what else has been said or implied about your child or anyone else.

Sweets101 · 31/12/2016 14:07

Why are people so bothered by the bottle-fed comment? Over sensitive much?

Marynary · 31/12/2016 14:08

I think that relatives who haven't had a baby for at least 20 years can and do make quite irritating comments. I don't blame you for defending yourself against a perceived dig. You need to be very careful to not criticise other parents though as it may come back to bite you.

Soubriquet · 31/12/2016 14:10

I must say I'm not bothered by the bottle feeding comment either and I bottle fed both of mine due to failure to breast feed. Tried and failed with both

But it is an unnecessary comment

dontbesillyhenry · 31/12/2016 14:12

All 4 month olds are really small

Mine wasnt, he was a beast

PodgeBod · 31/12/2016 14:21

My SIL used to delight in telling me how "huuuge!" DD1 was. She was 50th percentile, as I pointed out regularly and it did really piss me off.
DD2 is breastfed and much bigger then bottle fed DD1, incidentally. But I also used to think bottle fed babies were bigger then breast fed ones, so I see where your comment is coming from.

Sweets101 · 31/12/2016 14:22

How is saying 'maybe that's because she's bottlefed' insulting/critical/unnecessary though? If she'd said 'well have you seen the size of her mother?' Or 'all her kids are fat' fair enough but commenting that the baby may have faster weight gain due to being bottle fed is just a comment. I don't know if scientifically it's been proven to affect weight gain by 4 months, I doubt many do without Googling it, but as far as I know it is generally accepted that there is a trend for bottlefed babies to experience faster weight gain during the first year. So hardly an unreasonable comment.

8misskitty8 · 31/12/2016 14:31

Yes she was rude to keep harping on about it.
But you were also rude with your bottle fed comment. I really hope you haven't said something like that in front of sil.

scruffmacduff · 31/12/2016 14:37

Agree with biscuits and sweets.

My baby is bf OP and lots of people would comment on how small she is and tell me that I should switch to bottle feeding because it would make her gain weight. The HV also told me that bottle-fed babies are (in general) bigger than breast fed babies and not to worry that my baby was 'small'.

I certainly felt a lot of pressure from both my own mother and my MIL to bottle-feed as they didn't think my breastmilk was enough and that I was hindering my daughter's growth.

Bottle/breast aside, just ignore her as previous posters have said. Perfect the 'smile and nod'.

kel12345 · 31/12/2016 14:41

There's no need to make comments like this at all. Some babies are naturally bigger, some are naturally smaller. Also breast or formula fed doesn't really make a difference either.
My lo was exclusively formula fed, and spent the first 6-8 months of his life between the 2nd and 9th centiles (he was born on the 9th, but dropped for a while. Then went back up when he got older. He was fine, just a naturally small baby).
I know it's frustrating but try to ignore it

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2016 15:00

Biscuitsneeded - Give the OP a break everyone

This. When I had my kids it was common advice from HVs, doctors and even one breast feeding counsellor that bottle fed babies were more likely to be over weight.

Now my kids' generation are having babies, some still getting this advice at times. I always assumed it was a misunderstanding of cohort study data on babies born in the late 50s which does suggest correlations in bottlefeeding and later weight gain.

Its not surprising if the OP and other new mums have confused info on the pros and cons of breast and bottle and it certainly isn't necessarily malice.

OP -tempting as it is to respond in kind I'd settle for saying that the health professionals are very happy with his progress

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 15:42

In my family 75 percentile would be considered small (all babies except the premature one were 85-90 percentile). Nothing wrong with the comment, not sure why you took it personally? My neices and nephews all looked like shrivelled baby monkeys when they were born & we all used to joke about that in the family. Nobody took offence.

MrsBobDylan · 31/12/2016 16:00

She called your dd small, you called another baby 'a very large child'.

You would need to refrain from entering into a slanging match to retain the moral high ground.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 31/12/2016 16:03

My mum came out with all sorts of shite when my DS was born. She told me my breastmilk "wasn't enough" and shouldn't I be giving him some apple juice to supplement it? He was about 3 months old. She thought breastfeeding would make him weak...he's on 91st centile and always has been.

Some people just have funny ideas when it comes to babies. It's not digs really, it's just daft comments. Saying your baby is small isn't such a bad thing. He probably is quite small at 4 months. Very few 4 month olds are absolute tanks are they?

You're probably feeling more upset about it because you said yourself you are tired. Maybe just let it go.

Original poster

UserOneMillion · 01/01/2017 09:52

Apologies, genuinely didn't mean anything insulting re the bottle feeding comment. I was under the impression bottle fed babies had a faster growth rate and suggested this could be why her niece's baby was bigger.

When she said he was small is was more of a "oh, he's very small isn't he? (Faux concerned face) .... Then when I didn't respond "so is he small for his age? He looks so small.." (Faux concerned frown) rather than "ah he's so small!" (Big smiles)

OP posts:

allowlsthinkalot · 01/01/2017 10:08

So what if he is small? Why is that a dig? I think you're being a bit silly tbh.

"They're all so different aren't they?" with a big smile is my favourite phrase when comparisons start.

CinderellaRockefeller · 01/01/2017 10:09

Ever thought it might be genuine concern?

SVJAA · 01/01/2017 10:13

You're as bad as each other. Your bottle fed comment (intentional or not) pissed me off, just like your SMs comments pissed you off. People still comment on DD being "tiny" and "petite" and it winds me up, because she's just naturally wee.

abbsisspartacus · 01/01/2017 10:19

You need to perfect this face and pre plan a change of subject use the road from friends approach? "anyway"? Its fucking annoying when they baby compare my else's son who was the first bio grandchild his nan had had to compete with step grandsons one who lives in another country and the other who lives in another area to make it clear she compared him to children she didn't see and only heard what they did from the parents so we had x doesn't tantrum x does this x does that etc etc I used to butt in with oh I didn't realise you had been on holiday? No? Woops anyway!

Marmalade85 · 01/01/2017 10:26

Is this your first child? Be prepared to deal with a lot more than this in the future. Once you have a child you're fair game for all sorts of comments, criticism and unwanted advice.

Itscurtainsforyou · 01/01/2017 10:30

I feel for you OP.

I think that people who make comments about babies being small are a bit insensitive, as (certainly in my experience) there seems to be so much focus on babies gaining weight and growing from Drs/HVs etc - if there's a suggestion that your baby isn't it can make you feel as if you're doing something wrong.

I have two extremes - my ds1 is very tall for his age (2-3 clothes sizes bigger than his age) whereas ds2 was prem and is still in 2 age bands smaller than his age. I seem to constantly get comments on both of them.

I would just reply to any comments with "they're doing just fine" or "the HV is pleased with their progress" - repeated if necessary, then you're not even acknowledging their comments.

sj257 · 01/01/2017 10:54

My babies were huge, absolutely humongous! They were both over 10lb when they were born. Makes me laugh now as my son is 8 and one of the teeniest in his class

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