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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it okay to say...

69 replies

Gemz1806 · 31/12/2016 00:35

I love my husband!! He loves me and our 2 DS, he works long hours as do I and but we work it out. I see so many threads about rubbish men, and I do feel for them, but not many about ladies who feel lucky to have found a good partner and a good da!! He washes up if I cook and I wash up if he cooks. We even wash each each other's clothes if we are putting a wash on. (I see that's a big thing around here) he goes out with his mates, I go out with mine, we have wine together also. Surely I'm not the the only one??

OP posts:

Baylisiana · 31/12/2016 03:13

Yes, there is luck in avoiding those tendencies that are not always obvious.

I have tendencies myself that I did not even realise were such a big part of me when I got together with my partner as we were both fairly young.

Manumission · 31/12/2016 03:26

There is luck, involved, yes, and I think some people by their very early life experiences are predisposed to end up with chaotic men, alcoholic men. This is maybe because they go looking to recreate the chaos of their childhoods.

It's true that it can be a pattern. But abusive or manipulative men also target strong, intelligent, "sorted" women (because there is more satisfaction to be had from controlling them). That too is a recognised phenomenon.

It's dangerous - and wildly inaccurate- to stereotype women who experience these dysfunctional behaviours from men as all being a "type", or all from chaotic backgrounds, or somehow seeking out a dysfunctional dynamic.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2016 04:19

Manu "It's dangerous - and wildly inaccurate- to stereotype women who experience these dysfunctional behaviors from men as all being a "type", or all from chaotic backgrounds, or somehow seeking out a dysfunctional dynamic."

I did not stereotype women. I said "some people by their very early life experiences".

It is true, some people do that. Some don't. Clearly people who understand themselves and their experiences more can benefit from making wiser choices. Some of what we do with our lives is a choice. It is is not all luck.

Strong women (and men) can come from all walks of life. But I know enough about dysfunctional starts in life, as an adopter, to know that you can't easily wipe out all of your early experiences of life.

It's actually quite annoying having ones comments turned into a stereotype. I have no desire at all in stereotyping women, only in helping to empower people.

Anyway, off to bed. Night night.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2016 04:21

PS Manu if you were not meaning to imply that was what I was doing, then I apologise, that was how I took your comment that started with my quote, but I may have been wrong, it is late.... night night...

Manumission · 31/12/2016 04:33

Good grief italian you are prickly tonight

What I was saying was that on the one hand, yes you have a point that that IS how/why SOME people end up in bad dynamics but OTOH other people end up in the same situations who are NOT repeating childhood patterns and if we were ONLY to look at one explanation then THAT would be a dangerous stereotype.

It makes perfect sense that someone who had undergone adoption training etc (and he's not that old is he?) would have the model of chaotic behaviour repeated down generations, fresh in their minds. But that's only the case for SOME

Is that clearer?

Manumission · 31/12/2016 04:39

But overarching ALL of that we need to be very clear that being the VICTIM of crime or abuse is not a problematic behaviour and should NEVER be stigmatised.

(Parents who repeatedly refuse to accept help to protect themselves and their DC from abuse are a very specific subcategory within that that are more problematic.)

waitingforsomething · 31/12/2016 04:41

I think the nature of the relationships and aibu boards are to have a moan/chat when something isn't going right - so you will mostly see situations in which people are not happy with their DH - it's not representative of a wider population though - there will be many many happy people who don't post about though because it doesn't make particularly interesting reading!
Glad to hear you have a keeper though, he sounds like a nice man :-)

BillSykesDog · 31/12/2016 05:00

I love my husband.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 31/12/2016 05:39

I'm kind of off men right now. I like to hear positive stories like the OPs but after a year of utter shit, abuse and disrespect of both my son and I, I tend to put more store in threads about women who have dealt with this crap and come out the other side, single and stronger. I don't want 'reassurance' that there are good men 'out there' - I couldn't give a flying fuck. My priority is being a better version of me and decent mother to my little boy.

I agree wth manu - before I met the biological father of my son (because that really is all he is, after six years together) I was happy and strong. He took pleasure in "re-educating' me about my 'misplaced' confidence until I no longer knew who I was. I was in a pretty good place prior to Christmas, but he's done all he can to ensure its not a permanent state of mind.

Possibly not in the best position to comment on this thread, but I'll be damn sure to be certain I'm happy alone before I ever allow anyone that close again. I'm sure gloating wasn't the OP's intention, but a hell of a lot of women are far happier out of relationships than in them, and assurances that there are 'good guys out there' are not particularly useful when, for some of us, the priority should be learning to be independent. I'm waaaay past hoping a man will come along and 'fix' me.

Milanisabadman · 31/12/2016 07:48

YANBU or alone because my DH is superb too

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/12/2016 09:14

Of course its okay to say it.
However. I'll probably be flamed for this, but. I'd perhaps put could be triggering in your title. Reason being. If an abused wife opens this thread. She'd think she was married to the only twat ever to walk the earth.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2016 11:12

Blimey, this thread didn't go quite the way the OP was expecting it to, did it?

And no, I really don't think it needs a 'trigger warning' either.

The first 4 words of the opening post will be enough to tell people whether they want to read on or click the back button.

gamerchick · 31/12/2016 11:22

Man its a sad day when triggering is suggested for a happy thread.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2016 11:45

Yes, I would have thought the numerous threads/comments about how women are being mistreated by their DPs, would be just as triggering, if not more so to some people.

You can't put 'trigger' in every thread title and not every thread title represents the content anyway, because some threads go off on a tangent or it turns out the OP's problem is far deeper than what they wrote in their opening post.

Flowerydems · 31/12/2016 12:03

Shame I think this is a nice thread. I have a good dh too but I don't feel that me speaking to my pal who's ex is an arsehole is triggering in anyway so why do people in happy relationships need to shy away from public forums.

Fwiw I've been in bad situations and am lucky with dh although we've had ups and downs. Don't know which pp it was that said they haven't done anything yet but I guess there's truth in that although it seems a bit gloaty just cause it's making on we've to wait for our men to become arse holes

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2016 12:50

I assumed that person was joking Flowery because they said

Well done to those who have found a genuinely good one who hasn't put a foot wrong (yet)

No-one gets through life (married or single) without putting a foot wrong.

However, I think it's how wrong that normally determines whether someone is an arse hole or not.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/12/2016 13:57

Being happy is one thing. No one would ever bregudge anyone that. Being smug wallowy and gloaty, However. Is very very much another. The fates don't like it. Karma's rules not mine.
My dp isn't perfect, far bloody from it. Hes got his faults. Hes human. That's why I don't live with him.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2016 14:05

Do you live with any humans?

I mean if the fates are cool with it of course

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/12/2016 14:14

. Yes I live with my dd. She's human most of the time.

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