Chalk and cheese - education - can it work?

[mrskhardy]

Basically, I was wondering if it is unreasonable to suggest that corresponding educational attainment is an important factor in a relationship's longevity?

AIBU to think that someone who doesn't have a very basic education will struggle being married to someone with a significantly higher level of education or vice versa?

Is it possible to be so, completely different and be happy? Can it work if one person cannot spell/read the very basics and another is in the process of a PhD?

Please be kind, this is a genuine worry.

Can anyone tell me their success stories?

but being interesting/questioning/articulate is
What matters more is compatible levels of intellectual curiosity.

I've had said all the above - but for one couple in my family coming up to 40 years of marriage that hasn't been true.

Similar educational backgrounds but he's very knowledgeable and curious and has serious respect in his field. The wife it's hard to say how intelligent she is - she plays up I'm so ditzy - things can take a lot of explaining to her with little retention though she can be fun to be round.

He make all the decisions, their hobbies are all his where she tags along and joins in - group friends his but happy for her to be there. I did wonder how it would play out at retirement but still works for them. She's happy to leave all thinking stuff to him and she wants nice meals out and fun and he's seems happy to provide that and she is happy to tag along with is hobbies and interests.

Wouldn't work for me - but they seem happy.

So if it's your relationship I'd think hard about if it's working if it's some else's I wouldn't assume anything.

Mrswhitewash- agree.
Intellectual laziness would be a real no no for me. I know a few people like you describe- they play the ditzy card and it's hard to tell how far they really aren't very bright, and how far they're maybe lacking confidence so play up the 'oh dearie me this conversation is all too difficult for little me.'

Some men fortunately fewer than formerly have been socialised to find female stupidity appealing, which meant that women learned to 'perform' ignorance in male company. Personally, cleverness, emotional and intellectual IQ, wide-ranging reading, general knowledge and academic achievement (as an indicator of the primacy of that for the individual), are hugely important to me.

My sil doesn't like 'high brow' culture, isn't at all interested in learning about the world. She is actively hostile to new influences and I think it's down to low self esteem and an inferiority complex. Her dh, my bil, has accomodated her interests / lifestyle at the expense of his own. I think this is unfair and may harbour long term resentment, they definitely aren't happy.

I think it depends to be honest. Why are they poorly educated? I couldn't be with someone I thought was significantly less intelligent than me, but I could be with someone who wasn't well educated due to circumstances or because they just weren't academic but were intelligent in other ways.
I'd also need to have some overlapping interests and values as the person I was with, we wouldn't have to agree on everything but I'd need to be able to respect their opinions even when they differ from mine.

I think education correlates with a few of these things but not perfectly. There are plenty of intelligent people who didn't stay long in education for lots of different reasons so it's definitely possible.

I do know of one couple where the wife far exceeded her husband in terms of intelligence - he couldn't cope with a job and struggled with day to day life. People around them couldn't really understand what she'd seen in him and could only assume that he came across as nice and sweet when they first met and she was happy with that.

Things got more difficult when they had a child as the son really struggled at school, was eventually statemented etc. I know the wife found it difficult coping at the meetings about the son as it was obvious the husband didn't understand a lot of what was being explained. I lost touch with them so don't know what happened in the end but they had been together at least 11 years by then. But it definitely wasn't all plain sailing and the wife in particular was finding it very tough.

My sister's dp is from another country, though his intelligence was never in question at the beginning there was a lot of pointing and explain things. 10 years later he's learnt English at college, done professional qualifications they have a house and two dc together. I think it was amazing he came here with such little language knowing how hard it would be-he's really worked hard for both their sakes and thank goodness they didn't give up in the early frustrating days with all the gesticulating and explaining.

Thank you for the helpful replies.

I understand what some of you mean about reposting and rephrasing the question, but you must understand how difficult it would be to basically begin a post with 'Can someone who lacks intellect be with someone who does not?' It sounds horrid. Though, I agree, it would have meant getting straight to the point.

Not only that but, although, as I have stated, I agree that intelligence and academic attainment are not the same thing - I do think that to achieve well, a person has to have the capacity to develop intellect, as well as the desire to. Whether they choose not to and remain an autodidact is another thing but it is not what is happening in this particular situation. Also, as someone has stated, further education can widen the gap culturally and create social barriers.

On reflection, it's a question of balance, isn't it? So, is it possible to chat, discuss, debate etc on a similar level? Are interests and hobbies compatible? Are there differences in opinion but similar passions? Are there different but equal individual strengths?

It's NYE and this is very much on my mind.

Oh, and I'm working.

I think it really depends on what the couples in question really value.

Personally, I couldn't cope with someone who I didn't find intellectually stimulating, but I know one couple where the husband is hugely better educated and is very intellectual (he works in academia) and the wife really isn't either of those things, but is creative, kind, sociable, fun, and practical. And I think he feels that that is what works for him - oddly, I think it kind of helps that he's such a major figure in his particular field of study that he just assumes no one in his social life is going to be able to discuss his academic interests with him and away from that, he's pretty happy to talk about more normal stuff.

Before DH I went through a phase of going out with men who were "cool" and heavily into the music/dance/fashion scene. Prior to that Id mainly gone out with men I'd met through study/work. One man I really really liked was very kind, generous, hard-working etc but really not very smart. He wasn't curious, didn't read and didn't understand "hard" words. He was great for going out dancing with but not great for chatting over dinner with. Eventually I realised that I had more fun and laughed more with my much more geeky colleagues and we broke up. The turning point was when were at my then bf's friend's house and the friend made a funny play on words and my bf just looked confused and said, "Wha?" I've always been very academic and I thought that having to tone myself down wouldn't work. He was probably glad I left as I wasn't really that cool or trendy .

My DP has a handful of pass grade GCSEs. I have two degrees. We are very happy. It doesn't matter to me. What does matter is that he's a good man, the best I've ever met in fact (and far better than me, as he always thinks of me first before himself, I'm not selfless enough for that). Another important thing for me is that he has a good work ethic, and he does in buckets. I couldn't bear to be with anyone lazy.