Chalk and cheese - education - can it work?

[mrskhardy]

Basically, I was wondering if it is unreasonable to suggest that corresponding educational attainment is an important factor in a relationship's longevity?

AIBU to think that someone who doesn't have a very basic education will struggle being married to someone with a significantly higher level of education or vice versa?

Is it possible to be so, completely different and be happy? Can it work if one person cannot spell/read the very basics and another is in the process of a PhD?

Please be kind, this is a genuine worry.

Can anyone tell me their success stories?

Dp has a combination of qualifications that only a handful of people in the country have,
I on the other hand hate reading and have not picked up a pen to write anything more than a shopping list or phone number in 40 years. Left school having flunked all exams. We celebrated 39years together this year

I have a degree from Oxford, a masters and a doctorate. My husband left school at 16. It's caused no issue here, however he is very intelligent and self-made entrepreneurial sort. I really admire that.

Manu - this is thing, it is definitely a question of ability.

I wonder if it is possible be happy together when there is so little opportunity for intelligent conversation...

As everyone has said, and I agree, educational attainment and intelligence are not necessarily the same thing, though, perhaps if one person is more able than the other it could be problematic?!

Has anyone had a successful marriage/partnership with a person who lacks intellect? (Is probably what should have been in the OP .)

It probably depends how you define "successful".

So you want "long" or do you want "fulfilling"?

I did stick a relationship out for five years in which we were on completely different wavelengths. Much too long really.

Agree with others- I think a match (for me) of intelligence/wisdom/curiosity is v important. I have been with guys who were simpler (and nicer!) but I didn't respect them as much as I should have.

Education alone is no big deal. I have masters, dh left school without o levels- I was a wc grammar school girl who got lucky educationally, he didn't.

op you are making the assumption that education = IQ

DH has a much better education than I do. a 2:1 and was educated in an expensive high achieving private school.

I grew up in Scandinavia so had a VERY different education. I am also dyslexic something that wasn't dealt with in the 70s and 80s when I went to school..

We have been married 20 years now. I am comfortable intelligence wise and one thing dh over the years have said many times to me is. "I love how easily you can follow my thinking and argue points with me" I am not stupid however formal education has come hard fought for me.

I am encouraging our 4 children to go to UNI and get that degree. I have outright told them I regret not having had that possibility (my mother was not really pro education)

However it doesn't really impact my every day life with dh. I read and I am interested in the world. Often different things to dh, however it means that we both have something to talk about.

Wont change the fact that educationally he is WAY above me. Always will be.

TBF, she isn't making that assumption. She just acknowledged the difference.

On balance DH and I are fairly equal but in different ways. The key bit is that we are interested in the world and its events/ current affairs and can follow logical arguments/ processes. Over time he's become educated in a very specialised field. I'd never be competent in it, but he can explain basic principles in it.

I couldn't be in a relationship with lack of common interest. Somebody with lack of curiosity and limited scope to process new ideas would frustrate the hell out of me, or bore me rigid.

When teaching, it's curiosity and an open mind that makes people delightful to teach even if they can process on a simple level. Closed minds, even if they are supposedly intelligent people are very challenging.

Spelling, reading books is nothing but being interesting/questioning/articulate is - in a ltr- very important.

(For me that is, I know a few relationships where the women seem much smarter than their men, they seem OK)

There are also more cultural differences that can emerge through differing levels of education, but I think those can be easy to iron out (or may not matter to you). For example, I have been in one or two relationships with people who didn't really read / go to the theatre / have the same knowledge of classical music as I do. At first it was something I noticed because theatre and opera have always been very important (formerly professional) parts of my life. However, in a few months or years of sharing a life together you can introduce each other to new experiences. It does need somebody to be open to trying those things however - and similarly I have been open to going to football / rugby games!

The main difficulty I have experienced is the underlying sense that some men don't want their female partners to be more intelligent or higher achievers. Fortunately that is not true of my current partner, but it is notable that all of my exes are now dating or married to women who are less educated (or less high achieving academically).

However, I think that the situation the OP describes is extreme and I am not sure how I would cope in a relationship with somebody who struggled with literacy to that extent - at least unless they simply had a very different kind of intelligence, such as a brilliant scientific mind.

A person 'who lacks intellect' is strong phrasing. I would tentatively suggest, he may be a lovely guy, but he probably isn't the right guy for you...

I'm not able to discuss certain things with my super intelligent DH. He knows a massive amount about things like world politics, economy and literature but I don't think it matters. I least I hope not - we've been happily married for 30 years. Although I lack knowledge in certain areas I'm great at other things. I'm very practical and do all sorts of DIY and car repairs etc, and I've genuinely got a lot more common sense than my DH. We joke about it but he's book smart and I'm street smart (I promise we are joking ). DH is also v successful at work.
The reason our relationship works is that we see each other as equals. DH has never looked down on me or thought himself as superior. We are just different.
Our adult DC have all ended up being clever and although it's very clear I'm the least intelligent member of the family I'm always the one everyone goes to to ask for help or advice.

Intelligence not education. Common sense, emotional intelligence too. you need to be able to 'read' people.

I know so many people with degrees who just aren't bright. My dad is the smartest person I know, yet left school at 14.

Agree that raw intelligence is more important than formal education.
I think I'd find it very difficult to be with a partner if i couldn't discuss political issues, the arts etc intelligently. An enquiring mind and desire to read/think/discuss are the important thing.

Although basic intelligence is the most important factor, what's worked well for us is that having met at university, we've pretty much kept pace with eachother career-wise too. I know this wouldn't be important to some couples, and I know a few where one partner has a professional career and the other just earns a bit of pin money, but I think I'd find it unrewarding to not use my skills and qualifications to the max.

Even though it's raw intelligence which is more important than education, it must be hard if there's a huge mismatch in terms of skills- e.g. If one partner has very low literacy levels and the other is highly educated. It wouldn't get in the way of being able to discuss, but would be such a barrier to being able to access books and articles

This thread is only going to continue with these kind but irrelevant responses. You would get better advice if you repost, making it clear that your partner is significantly less intelligent than you and that because of the difference, you struggle to communicate.

Then you'll get real answers. Fwiw, my DP is less intelligent than me and I can't pretend it's always been equal between us. Overall though, we make a good team, particularly now that we have DS. DP has knowledge gaps that surprise me, but what I love and admire is his interest in others and generally questioning nature.

Ny bil & sil are a case where the differences in education are startlingly obvious. Sil left school at 16 & hasn't had any further education or training due to difficult life circumstances. Bil hasa masters and is in a career where it's highly recommended to have additional training & qualifications. Sil isn't keen for him to pursue this because she feels 'thick' (her words). So instead of supporting him and herself to get ahead career wise she's encouraged him to go for low skilled, low level jobs. He could have been earning 50k plus but is instead earning a lot less.

It is important to have a
relationship with similar life values and someone who will support you to better yourself.

Education does not equal intelligence

My DH left school at 16 with a handful of O-Levels, I have an Oxford undergraduate degree, and he is definitely the more intelligent of the two of us.

Intelligence to me is incredibly attractive - but education isn't a marker of this. He is more well-read than I am and consistently beats me when we watch University Challenge. I agree I don't think I can imagine being with someone who didn't appreciate books or have a natural curiosity about the world. But I couldn't give a shit that he doesn't have A-levels or a degree

(when we filled out our household census, and had to put highest level of educational attainment, we did giggle as he put forward options like 'cycling proficiency test? Swimming badge?!')

Definitely a difference in intelligence is more problematic than differing levels of education. Thinking back to previous relationships though, I remember finding it frustrating having a couple of boyfriends who often wouldn't understand certain words which I considered pretty standard vocabulary. It also bothered me if they had very poor spelling or made errors like "would of" instead of "would have". If they hardly ever read books, that was a bit off putting because I love books and having that shared interest with a partner.

What matters more is compatible levels of intellectual curiosity. I'd struggle to remain married to someone who didn't read, for example.

Agree that the example you give is more problematic

For me in order to be interest-ing, you have to be interest-ed about the world around you. Capacity and curiosity are very important, I would agree

But surely the doctor/ nurse, boss/secretary scenario is outdated now? There used to be a far greater mismatch in terms of jobs, purely because women didn't have the same opportunities available to them. For many years, male graduates outnumbered females hugely, women were expected to leave school and do a typing course and certain professions were actually barred to women once they got married or had children!

The world is quite different now... I'm in my early 50s and met dh at university (as did quite a few of my peers) and I can only assume it's become more likely with younger generations with greater access to education.

Not that I'm confusing education with intelligence, just pointing out that if we see any general trends, it's most likely to be people partnering others with similar intellect and career potential

Absolutely, there are lots of different kinds of intelligence. For example visual ability, how well you can remember/describe a picture or model or building, is very different to the ability to work out logical problems.

What really matters in a relationship is whether there is mutual respect for the differences which exist between you, a willingness to understand the other person's point of view and above all, shared values such as honestly, kindness, attitude to money ....

I would tend to mistrust a feeling that absolute 'difference of intellect' is getting in the way of a good relationship. Some analysis may be helpful, to work out why any perceived differences are getting in the way of mutual respect and love. If one of you despises the other's abilities....

Education is not always a measure for compatibility in a relationship.
Been with OH 15 years, married 12. One of us has a successful academic career, one is successful within a learned trade.
If you look past leaving school at 15 with minimum qualifications or a "know it all" you find the quality of conversation, similar interests and same outlook in life is what makes our marriage great.

We have friends who are on the face of it totally intellectually incompatible. They have been married 35 years plus, so it does work. It depends on what one is looking for. It wasn't Dh's degree that attracted me, but that he is practical....shelves get put up, he can service a car, change a tyre etc. We are both post grads, he is clever practically and very logical to the point of ruthlessness sometimes, but I am more emotionally intelligent. We balance each other.