To think I'll never really get over this...

[Superfizz]

Name changed for this... please be kind.

3 years ago around this time of year I had an abortion, it was an accidental conception and I was on the pill. I was around 6-7 weeks when I had the medical termination.
At the time I was with an emotionally abusive partner (I didn't realise the abuse until after and I have since been enlightened to what a loving relationship is)
When I found out I was pregnant he forced me to tell my parents (the day I found out - I was 20 at the time so wanted to think about everything before talking to them) by simply telling my dad I was pregnant.
Long story short I can't really remember the conversations that followed... my partner at the time half heartedly kept saying that he would stand by whatever decision I made, although I feel like he just said it because it was kind of the right thing to say at the time.

On the day of the abortion I was emotional to say the least, my ex partner and I had an argument that morning over something trivial and he very kindly said he would 'stay with me for today but would leave me as soon as I'd had the abortion - I.e end it with me'
He took me to the clinic and left me and then picked me up when it was 'done'
I couldn't stop crying that night and he told me to 'shut up because he had work in the morning'

I never really got full closure from this, it was never really mentioned after the day it happened, I cried now and again and he said that it was the right decision but nothing else.
We didn't stay together for too long after as I'd found out he had cheated on me a year before and he started to get physically abusive. It was a quick break up and I literally went from seeing him every day and living with him to absolutely nothing and we've had no contact since.

This time of year I just feel myself mulling over everything and the fact that my baby would have been 3 now... I feel guilt constantly because of how quick it was decided and happened.
The words 'I'll stand by what YOU decide' ring in my ears because I feel responsible and awful that I couldn't have this child.
I see things on tv about people trying to conceive and feel awful that I had that and let it go.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say I just wondered if anyone has any advice or has been in this position?

My current partner knows what happened but not what time of year etc it was and I wouldn't want to say as we have our own lo now and I don't want old memories of my past relationships being brought up.

I feel like I'll never get past it.

It sounds OP that you were very much pushed into a corner. Whether it was right or not, whether you felt you had choice or not, you need to find peace with what happened.

Monkeys what a tragic situation too.

OP As others have pointed out you would have been tied to an abusive man. It is most likely you would not have been free to meet your current partner or to have your lovely little one. She would not have existed.

One in four pregnancies end is miscarriage anyway, so to some extent you do not know what would have happened.

Please find your way through this. It may have been for the best, but you may not necessarily have chosen it, several abortion 'stories' seem to be the man choosing what he wants to happen. That is not a woman's right to choose!

It is tempting to want to paint this as you choosing the right thing, empowering, or you being pushed into it, not your responsibility. I think the better way is to face that it happened. Maybe you had some choice, maybe you felt coerced. Either way here you are now, with a life and child you would not have had.

Make your piece with the past. You were treated very badly and now life is good. do not let this sorrow from the past infect your present. It is not only counselling that can help you do this, although I always recommend counselling having had it for anxiety, successfully, many years ago.

Cultivate a positive attitude. Find your own way forward. Be free of the past.

insolent little Makhsheyfe

I don't know what this means but I love it

Anywhichway Great advice. But what a very hard way to learn it. Your ex sounds super shite. I am so sorry.

Now who is being insulting!
I had to look that up.
I know someone who is a counsellor with them and she is the sweetest , most understanding person who has had a lot of training. Her husband is in the medical profession.
I gave the phone number so she didn't have to look at the site.
I am sorry that some of you think I am being nasty but I am not.
It is a difficult decision to make and many people feel guilt afterwards and therefore they need to talk about it privately.

OP my intentions were only good to get you some help quickly. I do not judge at all. I hope you get some help to come to terms with it but you will always remember as I remember my miscarriage at this time of year. I went onto have other children and I hope you do too. You seem to have found a loving relationship now. You were young and in a difficult position don't forget that. I am bowing out of this thread now but I never intended to hurt you as some posters think.

Ditsy

I could probably write an essay about how I felt the need to do so, but meh. Probably won't...

Gallavich

It means witch. I felt I was being rather tame...

italian
Calling somebody a witch isn't threatening.
We are all allowed to share our views. Absolutely. And that's my view of the person that suggested to call LIFE (btw, I looked around their website before posting that.)

Ditsy- if your friend is so awesome and impartial why is she working for a pro life charity?

I just want to tell you - I had an abortion 22 years ago, was in an abusive relationship and in addiction.

I have since had 3 children (3rd was an accident but I felt NOW I can have that baby I didn't plan).

I never ever forget the baby I didn't have but the pain does wain and the guilt does subside and you learn to live with it and be at peace with the right decision you made at that time.

Be kind to yourself.

Wow I am truly overwhelmed by the response I've had.
I want to thank each and every one of you because I've never put it in the context that some of you have... about thinking about how life would of been etc
And thank you to the others who have suggested helplines/gp
I did look at the LIFE website, and I can see they do post abortion counselling but I have to agree with those who have said not to phone them... it's just off putting that the first thing you see is that they are anti abortion as such, but I appreciate your intention was good ditsy
Thank you to everyone who has shared your story.. it really does make me feel like I'm not alone in my situation whereas before I've felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone about it (and I can talk to my current partner about anything but this) which is why I reached out to mn and again thank you all so much for your responses

You did the right thing, I had a child by an abusive partner and it ended with 8 years of being a battered wife followed by open warfare for custody in court which has affected me and my son for ever and made us very insular and untrusting. Having a child with an abuser NEVER ends well. The few cells that youhad removed were not a person and you simply don't know wether you would have miscarried anyway - very common with a first baby.
Don't dream of what might have been, you saved yourself and your unborn child from years of abuse. My son at 36 still has to have psychiatric treatment.That baby was just a cluster of cells, not even a person.
I subsequently had two abortions when a controlling boyfriend sabotaged our contraception and I got pregnant. I had learnt my lesson the first time round.
I don't regret either of them one iota and I planted trees in their memory so they were not forgotten but I would do the same again.
We are entitled as women in this century to control our own fertility when it suits us and it is our right to do so as we are the mothers.
I now live alone, I don't trust men any more.

Also I think it helps to perform a ritual of some kind too, we all need an ending.
I planted trees but it would also be appropiate to plant an acorn, the acorn is the potential of something that has not yet come into being and just release it for nature to take care of.
I see nature as the Great Mother and by planting acorns into the earth you are giving back your childrens potential for her to transform into something else.
It helps.

Hotatio it was your reference to

If I were standing next to you... I am normally calm. It does to that effect. It came across to Mr as really unnecessarily unpleasant. You have no need to call a other poster names. You can of course. But to me it is a cheap shot.

Words to that affect....

Ah... I meant. If I was standing next to you I'd say that to your face. But seeing as I can't I'll type it down. Should have made myself clearer, I agree.

Maybe it is a cheap shot. Shrug.

But I didn't just write it because it's pro life, it's because of the whole setup of the website and their background that it was, imo, extremely inappropriate. And because of a few other reasons. But that's probably not the place to have a long discussion why it was imo extremely inappropriate.

So, calling her a witch was the better solution imo. 😉

Well I am upset about it but that won't matter to you. I gave out the number because I Know that they do counselling. I have been to some meetings. They also support girls with practical help, prams, cots etc and housing. They help them sort out financial arrangements and they are not a religious organisation although some people go to church that help support them as a charity.
OP I am glad that you realise I gave it with the very best of intentions. To give you a number to ring, where you could be anonymous if you wanted and talk to someone just as I would have given the phone number of the Samaritanians if I thought you were suicidal. No more no less. I just know they try to respond quickly. I am glad you are going to get some support as I think you will feel better for it.

I will fly off on my broomstick now as I have had messages deleted from Mumsnet ( for trying to help someone ) and I am going to leave it now and realise it was my mistake to join in 2016.

Hotatio I do appologuise. I thought you meant you would hit her! Sorry I am way too sensitive today! Very sorry!

Ditsy Please do not go, the OP understands you were trying to help.

Italian

Nah. It's fine. My phrasing may have been off. (The comment was removed, so, it's not like I can check, first comment of mine that has ever been removed, oh wow).

If I hit every person I disagree with I'd be in jail before the day was over😂.
Plus, hitting people is a sport. Not a way to argue 😉😉

You're not too sensitive. I'm just currently an ornery cow. Nothing went right for the party today and I couldn't do anything to improve it. Now I'm sitting around and thinking of getting a new tattoo and wishing I could cancel because it will be probably an awful party... :(!!!

ditzy

If you want I can send you a private message to explain why I think your suggestion was extemerly inappropriately (I wasn't the one that 'flagged' it, btw). But I won't explain that on this thread. Not because I'm ashamed of my reasoning but because I think it would be inappropriate.

ditsy

Thanks Hotatio

OP, I understand.

I had an abortion in 2006, I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship, in fact he was cheating on me and I knew it but I still desperately wanted to be with him. He treated me really badly, and I had low self esteem anyway which didn't help.
I didn't even tell him I was pregnant, I just knew I couldn't keep the baby as I was a student with no money and I knew deep down that our relationship was going nowhere fast.

To this day, I still think about the baby i would have had, and I still feel so much guilt. As other posters have said, time heals, and now, many years later, I am married to a lovely man and have a 4 year old, it does get easier and i think I've started to forgive myself. You will too, in time. The pain is hard to bear, you'll carry it with you always but it will subside. Some good advice I had was to plant something in remembrance, I planted a little tree and it helps me to remember and to nourish something.

Sending you