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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'll never really get over this...

71 replies

Superfizz · 30/12/2016 23:27

Name changed for this... please be kind.

3 years ago around this time of year I had an abortion, it was an accidental conception and I was on the pill. I was around 6-7 weeks when I had the medical termination.
At the time I was with an emotionally abusive partner (I didn't realise the abuse until after and I have since been enlightened to what a loving relationship is)
When I found out I was pregnant he forced me to tell my parents (the day I found out - I was 20 at the time so wanted to think about everything before talking to them) by simply telling my dad I was pregnant.
Long story short I can't really remember the conversations that followed... my partner at the time half heartedly kept saying that he would stand by whatever decision I made, although I feel like he just said it because it was kind of the right thing to say at the time.

On the day of the abortion I was emotional to say the least, my ex partner and I had an argument that morning over something trivial and he very kindly said he would 'stay with me for today but would leave me as soon as I'd had the abortion - I.e end it with me'
He took me to the clinic and left me and then picked me up when it was 'done'
I couldn't stop crying that night and he told me to 'shut up because he had work in the morning'

I never really got full closure from this, it was never really mentioned after the day it happened, I cried now and again and he said that it was the right decision but nothing else.
We didn't stay together for too long after as I'd found out he had cheated on me a year before and he started to get physically abusive. It was a quick break up and I literally went from seeing him every day and living with him to absolutely nothing and we've had no contact since.

This time of year I just feel myself mulling over everything and the fact that my baby would have been 3 now... I feel guilt constantly because of how quick it was decided and happened.
The words 'I'll stand by what YOU decide' ring in my ears because I feel responsible and awful that I couldn't have this child.
I see things on tv about people trying to conceive and feel awful that I had that and let it go.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say I just wondered if anyone has any advice or has been in this position?

My current partner knows what happened but not what time of year etc it was and I wouldn't want to say as we have our own lo now and I don't want old memories of my past relationships being brought up.

I feel like I'll never get past it.

OP posts:

RB68 · 31/12/2016 08:40

If you really understand life you will see they have two sides one is the anti abortion campaigning (coming out of a religious belief that abortion is wrong) and a second side which is about counseling those who are considering or have had an abortion. If you have had the abortion they are not going to berate you for having had it but do have trained counselors. Not as independent as I think they should be (and my mother was one of their counselors) but there is v little elsewhere in my experience

Liiinoo · 31/12/2016 08:48

You absolutely did the right thing for you at that time. Don't ever lose sight of that.

You are grieving the child you might have had and the life you might have had together- the fact that you made the difficult decision to terminate doesn't mean you don't have the right and need to mourn that loss. I would definitely recommend some counselling to help you get through this, but not with LIFE.

Doobigetta · 31/12/2016 09:07

You did the right thing- that wouldn't have been a good situation to bring a child into, and it might have taken you a long time to be able to get free again. You should never, ever feel guilty for making the right decision.
I was in a very similar position at 21- pregnant, in an abusive relationship, earning pennies and really struggling to keep my head above water. If I'd gone through with it I really believe I'd have condemned myself and the child to a miserable, incredibly difficult life, and I'd have been shackled to the monster of a father permanently. As it was I was able to walk away and build the life I wanted, just like you are doing.
We have a right to make choices and to strive for the best life we can. People who want to tie you down and stop you from moving on from bad times don't have your best interests at heart- don't listen to them.

mycatwantstokillme1 · 31/12/2016 09:11

your ex could have been my ex - word for word.

I'm sorry it's still affecting you - it won't always be like this though. I know it's trite, but the only thing that helped me was time. FWIW I think you did the right thing - the only thing you could have done in the situation you were in. I promise you, it will get easier, and agree with the other posters who have suggested going to your GP - glad you're going to talk to them.

Dayatatime · 31/12/2016 09:24

You absolutely did the right thing. Your ex sounds like my ex. Abusive men had a knack of brainwashing you into thinking things that your normal unabused self would never contemplate and as you know this can affect you for years. If you had chosen a different route this horrible man would have been in your life, controlling you forever. I'm glad you're going to your GP. Please push for counselling about everything inc your past abuse. Good luck hope 2017 brings you some closure.

Ellisandra · 31/12/2016 09:29

Oh you poor thing - definitely look into counselling support...

FWIW seeing things about people struggling to conceive?

I miscarried a planned pregnancy that took 2 years to conceive, and went on some years later to have IVF.

When I was reading your post I thought "oh I'd have done that too, thank fuck she's not tied to that arsehole anymore, and one day her experience of motherhood will be in a loving and good relationship".

Other people don't matter, lovey.

randomeragain · 31/12/2016 09:32

be very very careful . DO NOT RING LIFE. find a good therapist.

Starlight2345 · 31/12/2016 09:33

Glad you are going to see GP.

You only have to take a look on LP board, if this ex wanted to be in the babies , you would never of been rid of him, the baby would of been a weapon and treated as badly as you were.

He will still be an abusive scum bag you have managed to find a nice guy ( by the sounds of it) and a lo who you can raise in a caring nuturing environment.

My ex was abusive and it got worse during pregnancy and again once there was a baby whose needs were prioritised over his.

DJBaggySmalls · 31/12/2016 09:38

I'm so glad you got away from him.
Promise us you will go for therapy. You dont need to carry any guilt.

strawberrybubblegum · 31/12/2016 09:54

What Ellissandra said!

There isn't a fixed number of babies to be born, and you choosing (rightly) to have a termination has absolutely no impact on people having fertility issues.

And you won't be punished. If there is such a thing as karma, it would recognise that you were brave and doing the right thing.

Don't punish yourself.

Enjoy your lo, and be proud of yourself that by making the right decision 4 years ago, you are able to give this child - and any others you have - a happy childhood in a loving supportive family.

beansonbread · 31/12/2016 10:00

You absolutely did the right thing. Having a baby with an abusive man would have trapped you in an even worse situation.
I too had a termination, mine was 12 years ago and I was just in my teens. I still struggle with the thought of the baby I could have had. Especially now that I'm having fertility issues and have been told I will need IVF to conceive again. The guilt I feel that I somehow managed to cause my infertility through my decision 12 years ago nearly kills me some days. But I know that I totally made the right decision back then - although my ex wasn't abusive, I just didn't like him and the thought of being tied to him for a lifetime is something I'm glad I escaped.
I chatted my issues through with a counsellor and it really helped. I urge you to do the same.

Ditsy4 · 31/12/2016 10:00

They have counsellors trained in a option counselling actually.
Yes, they are there to help people that are pregnant but they also do a lot of work on post abortion counselling because a lot of people had no one to turn to and had an abortion without any counselling prior to the abortion. Many are left with feelings of guilt afterwards and therefore they provide a service to these people. Just because it is called LIFE it doesn't mean it doesn't care about woman who were pressured into abortions or felt they had no options. The counsellors are well trained and complete national certificates in counselling. Sometimes you have to wait a long time to go through GP surgeries whereas you can talk to some and they will listen ( longer than 7minutes GP allocation) and will refer you to an appropriate counsellor either face to face or telephone.
Please don't tell OP and others to dismiss them when you probably don't know anything about this charity.

Gallavich · 31/12/2016 10:03

terminating a pregnancy is not morally wrong
You did nothing wrong. In fact you did the most right thing you could have done. Your age, the state of the relationship, both things that would take their toll on your life and potentially any baby you had. You did nothing wrong.

Gallavich · 31/12/2016 10:05

Advising someone who has had a termination to call a pro life charity is fucking irresponsible.

Beebeeeight · 31/12/2016 10:08

You did the right thing.

Enjoy what you have now and try to create new happy memories.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ILoveMonkeys · 31/12/2016 10:34

I had a termination at 11 weeks pregnant on 1st December 2006.

I was seeing my boss, had been for 4 years, nobody knew as it would have caused a lot of problems at work. Anyway, he booked me in for a termination without talking through it or seeing what I wanted. I was in no position to have a baby but that's not the point, I would have coped. After assuming this and booking me in, I had to travel 100 miles by myself on the train to get there as he 'had a meeting' he then picked me up after and didn't say a thing. Needless to say it didn't last long after that.

It has been just over 10 years now and I can tell you it does get easier, you will always remember dates it happened and the date you should have been due etc but you did the right hing and you will get thru it xx

Ditsy4 · 31/12/2016 10:35

I wasn't insulting her. I know they offer post abortion counselling. Yes, they are pro life but they have helped a lot of woman who had had abortions.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/12/2016 10:45

OP, this was three years ago when you were in a very abusive relationship (him just announcing it to your father the day you found out? Wtf?). Other people took over and forced/manipulated you into doing what you did. You didn't have as much choice in this as you might have thought you did at the time. You were taking the pill - you weren't stupid or careless, it was just an accident, they happen.

Looking at the situation now, when you have a good relationship and a DC, I can understand your regret and guilt. But think about who you were then and the decisions you were forced into. Your head would have been a total mess at that time. Three years later and from a different place in life, forgive yourself for what happened, even though it wasn't your fault, and know that however it came about, you did the right thing.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2016 10:45

Thinking of you OP.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2016 10:47

Horatio you cannot threaten other posters. We are all allowed to post our views. I am sure the OP can visit the website herself if she chooses to!

Heatherjayne1972 · 31/12/2016 10:47

There is post abortion counselling available. Might be worth looking into
If you had the baby you would have been tied to that man for a long time so maybe it was the right decision after all. (Just my opinion)

nonetcurtains · 31/12/2016 10:48

I think if you should at your lo and think that he/she would not be there now if things had been different years ago. Would you swap him/her and your OH for the past? Even if you'd had gone through with the first pregnancy and then gone on to have a second, neither would be the lo you're looking at now Would you swap?

nonetcurtains · 31/12/2016 10:50

sorry, that should read 'I think you should look at your lo' etc

Anywhichway123 · 31/12/2016 10:50

Superfizz I really hope you're still reading this thread.

I had an abortion when I was 18. I had been with boyfriend for a year and we were living together. When we discovered I was pregnant he took me to a very rough council estate and told me that was where I would be going if I kept the baby. We booked a consultation appointment at the abortion clinic and had an argument on the train on the way, he got off and left me to attend the appointment on my own. The night before the abortion he went out clubbing (he was 26) and didn't come home until the morning so I had to make my own way there. When it was time to be picked up I waited and waited, he was still in bed recovering from his night out. When he eventually collected me we never spoke and he went back to bed when we got home. He then told me to go against medical advice and resume sex straight away because he wasn't willing to wait. I also never realised what an abusive relationship I was in until after we had split.

You DID make the right decision! Imagine how your life would be if you had continued with the pregnancy. The abuse may have increased as it so often does when you're pregnant and vulnerable. You may not have stayed with him but you would always be connected.

You're in a better place now and you have a child, allow yourself to leave that chapter of your life in the past and move on. It happened, you can't erase it but you don't have to keep reliving it. Allow yourself to be happy and enjoy the life you have. It's what you deserve. x

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