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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give back the money?

27 replies

TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:31

I don't think I was, but am second guessing myself now that I'll have offended them by sending it back.

A couple of days ago I took my elderly neighbour to an emergency GP appt. in a nearby town. His wife had come round to ask me to ring 111 (I'd told her to not hesitate to call on me if there was anything I could do to help), and I sort of took over a bit and organised (Tuesday, bank holiday, so a bit more complicated than usual) an appt. and took them there etc.

Yesterday his wife popped round with a lovely card and a wrapped present (lovely chocolates!) to say thank you. All fab and I was very touched, but they also put £30 in the card with a very sweet message (that he wanted to buy me a plant to enjoy now and plant out in the spring, but he wasn't allowed out to buy it Grin), which I just feel is far too much and not necessary at all.

My DP agreed with my feeling that we shouldn't accept it, so I made a card and wrote that I was very touched and really enjoyed the chocolates (we did!), but that I couldn't accept that and I'd rather he grew me a plant in the spring instead. He said in the car that he hasn't had the energy to get his broad beans going - usually he loves his garden and grows lots of veg, of which he gives me some sometimes. I thought maybe it would give him an impetus to get some seedlings growing, but now I'm worried that I've just put unnecessary pressure on him and rejected a gift that was given kindly. Sad I returned the money in the card and put it through the door last night, and haven't heard from them today (not that I expected to).

Did I do the wrong thing? What on earth is the protocol there? I don't want to offend him or reject his gift/wound his pride, but I don't want them to give us their pension money, either!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:34

Should have put, sorry; he has terminal cancer, and is only going to get more poorly. It's a slowish decline, but he's quite fragile now, so I feel a bit crass for urging him to get out in the garden when he's not feeling strong enough. Sad

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 30/12/2016 18:38

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong; it's actually quite refreshing to read a thread where everyone has behaved like nice people!
If you had refused the chocs too that would be different but as it stands you did a good turn, they have given you a gift to say thank you, I'm sure they will be OK with the money being returned.

Recentlylazy · 30/12/2016 18:38

You were lovely on all fronts. I would have done the same. He is very ill and his wife has also had a scare. They are grateful Flowers

cosytoaster · 30/12/2016 18:39

X post - I'm sure you're overthinking. Maybe have a word next time you see them to explain, but don't worry.

Recentlylazy · 30/12/2016 18:40

X post. Totally agree with cosy toaster

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2016 18:40

You did a lovely thing and I am sure they won't mind and have more to worry about that'll the money . If you feel really bad just casually pop over to see how they are and act normal ?

Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:45

Thanks everyone. Smile

I did write in the card, explaining (sorry, should have put that) everything. Didn't just shove the money back through the letterbox! I gave them my phone numbers and reiterated that I want them to tell me if they need anything at all. I think they do know that, they're just quite proud, self-reliant people, and I don't want to make them feel patronised in any way. She was very snappy with him on Tues, because I think she didn't want to have had to ask for help, but she was also very lovely and gave me a big hug at the end.

OP posts:
DonutParade · 30/12/2016 18:47

Assuming username means anything, this is a case of aspie overthinking. You sound so lovely, wish you were my neighbour !

Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:48

I'm sure you're overthinking

CosyToaster that's what I do! I'm the champion of overthinking! Grin I'm quite impulsive in my actions, and then endlessly paranoid in my retrospective analysis!

OP posts:
Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:49

Ha! Crosspost Donut - you are absolutely right! Grin

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 30/12/2016 18:50

Grin takes one to know one OP!

Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:53

You sound so lovely, wish you were my neighbour !

Ah thank you! I'm horrid really, though - on the way back from putting the card through their door, I wrote ARSEBADGER with my nail in the frost on another neighbour's windscreen (he really is an arsebadger!!) and came back indoors cackling like a childish loon. I blame wine. Blush

OP posts:
ModreB · 30/12/2016 18:56

Could you perhaps, if you have the time, offer to get some seedlings for him to plant in his garden?

Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:56

Cosy we should start an 'overthinkers anonymous' thread. Wink

OP posts:
northernshepherdess · 30/12/2016 18:59

I feel a bit odd to say this but perhaps he knows he's going... not in the way we all do but in a knows knows kind of way.
When I was young... moons ago.... a neighbour brought a dog teddy round for my baby son who was about 6 months. It was very random and the man said his wife had asked him to bring it round. A couple of weeks later he knocked the door and told us she had had terminal cancer and wanted us to have the dog teddy.
It seemed she was allocating the things she knew her hubby didn't want or need before she went.
He then brought us another teddy bear with a ribbon round his neck that was an after gift also allocate to my baby boy.
My dad did exactly the same 7 days before dying himself of cancer.

Original poster
TatterdemalionAspie · 30/12/2016 18:59

Modre I had considered asking if he'd like DP to 'manage' his garden next season, as DP has an allotment (under his direction, obviously), but I couldn't work out whether that would be a good thing or just highlight to him that he couldn't do it himself. Sad I could ask him if I could plant some seedlings out in his bed as we 'don't have room'?

OP posts:
Keremy · 30/12/2016 19:02

Tatter you have done exactly what I would have done and are now overthinking it in exactly the same way I would have too (also aspie)

Its so annoying. I have conversations and totally replay in all over and over.

honeyroar · 30/12/2016 19:03

Yes I bet he'd love that, go round and ask his advice on what to do with your plants or something?

SooBee61 · 30/12/2016 19:11

I do all this overthinking and don't even have Aspergers! I rehearse conversations in my head and then wonder why they don't match the script in reality. I always worry I've offended someone too, as I can be a little forthright.

Re your neighbour, I'd accept the money but make it clear you don't want a penny more and are glad to help them out at any time.
BTW What is an arse badger?

MontalbanoFan · 30/12/2016 19:21

I don't know you, OP, but I can picture you clearly throughout your neighbours' drama.
You are a good person and the fact that you 'took over' must have been such a relief to them.
Don't worry at all about giving back the money. They're probably shaking their heads but they'll respect your decision.

Kirriemuir · 30/12/2016 19:23

I think you were rude to return the gift. Really. You've possibly embarrassed them. Why didn't you speak with them face to face?

PlumsGalore · 30/12/2016 19:29

I hate accepting money, but in these circumstances I may have bought a beautiful something for the garden, planted it at the front and told them it really wasn't necessary but this is the lovely thing I bought and you can see it come up in the summer.

WHether he will or not is irrelevant, it would have made him happy.

limitedperiodonly · 30/12/2016 19:29

I'm sure they'll take the £30 back with no offence. It's a lot for a plant - do you like gardening? Grin. You've done a lot for them and I'm sure they treasure you as a wonderful neighbour and friend.

busyboysmum · 30/12/2016 19:38

What a fabulous neighbour you sound. We need many more people like you in the world.

I always overthink everything afterwards as well in an obsessive worrying way so can totally relate.

justkeepongoing · 30/12/2016 19:39

Rude, definitely not Kirriemuir just incredibly kind, not grabby and willing to support those in need, without expecting anything in return!

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