Do I really need to have difficult brother for Christmas ever again?

[NearlyMonday]

My brother behaved atrociously over Christmas.

We're both in our 40s, I'm a few years older than he is. I'm married, I have friends, I enjoy company and would describe myself as sociable. My brother (let's call him John) has always led a solitary life. He's deeply religious, but doesn't appear to socialise with his church group, he lives alone, works alone, and to the best of my knowledge has never had a relationship and never mentions any friends. Over the years he's got more and more anti-social and intolerant, and his social skills are very poor. We only see him at Christmas, he lives in a different city, and there's only sporadic text contact the rest of the year.

I'm the only member of our family who will have him for Christmas, Mum died 10 years ago and he doesn't get on with Dad. I can't blame other people for not wanting a bad tempered, judgemental individual for the festive season, and I only invite him out of duty these days - I've given up trying to encourage him to be cheerful/sociable, and am getting fed up of his negative demeanour.

DH and I had the chance to go away for a few days over Christmas, I agonised over whether to invite John, but didn't have the heart to leave him alone over Christmas, so I invited him along. He seemed pleased, and I crossed my fingers and hoped for a pleasant few days.

Silly me. He was terse, unpleasant, wouldn't speak unless spoken to, made a huge fuss about denouncing alcohol, and in the end DH lost his temper, told him a few home truths, that I always try my best to include him, and he can't even be remotely pleasant. He was slightly better after that, no more snapping, but he still continued to be derisive, judgmental and negative.

But I was at the end of my tether by the time we got home - and I've resolved to have a John-free Christmas next year. Why should I put up with this just because we have the same parents? Please tell me it's ok to bin toxic relatives? Surely it can't fall on DH and I every year, where do our responsibilities end?

caraaspen "using that 'explanation' is just lazy. And tiresome."

No it bloody isn't. It is true for some people. It is also true that the vast majority of high functioning autistic people in their 40s will be undiagnosed. Of course none of us can say whether or not the OP's brother is autistic or not. But given her description of a man who doesn't initiate social contact but appears 'quite pleased' to be invited and comes along (if he genuinely hated everyone he'd just tell them all to leave him alone), his rather obsessive lecturing about the dangers of alcohol in an inappropriate setting, his poor social skills and his attempt to improve once his bad manners were pointed out to him, it is entirely possible that "John" is a misunderstood autistic man too old to have been recognised at school. Sometimes it helps relatives to understand that if he is autistic, it is neither John's fault nor his choice that he behaves inappropriately. This doesn't make it acceptable, but may help the OP's anger about her brother and prevent her thinking about him as "toxic".

The reason people mention autism is because it resonates in behaviour to those of us living with autistic family members. To dismiss this as lazy and tedious is arrogant and ignorant.

As I said, none of us knows if, let's say as a result of people posting about their relatives with autism, OP does a little research on autistic adults and recognised her brother, her opinion may change and she may decude, for example, to continue meeting him at a less pressured time of year, say in the Summer for a weekend, and just send a gift at Christmas, but feel better as her frustration at what she has previously perceived as "rudeness" or "ingratitude" is reframed. She is happier, her brother isn't cut off, labelled toxic, bewildered as to what he did "wrong". Everyone wins.

Or she might do some research and think "no he is nothing like that", and she cuts him off, he doesn't care, she feels free because he was indeed just a rude selfish man. No one is any worse off for having considered that just possibly there was a reason for his behaviour.

nearlymondsy actually the fact he improved slightly is entirely in keeping with autism. He wasn't intending to upset you and when it was pointed out he tried to modify his behaviour. Autistic people generally have a core social functioning difficulty. This means they get it wrong sometimes. Their social skills are not completely unable to improve at all when an error is pointed out (if they are high functioning ). It's not a frozen ability, it is a delayed ability. It is also typical that close family get the "worst"....Because close family are meant to accept and love unconditionally. Many autistic people can and do mirror more appropriate social behaviours in certain circumstances, for example in school for girls is an absolutely typical one. However the key thing to understand is that this is effortful and tiring and cannot be kept up indefinitely. If he is on the spectrum, he probably behaves 'worse' with you because he feels like he doesn't have to pretend. Shame.

But irrespective of WHY he behaves this way, he persistently takes the shine off Christmas. If we were a large family, a big group setting would dilute him, but at best it's just me, DH, Dad and his partner.

Since starting this thread, DH and I have agreed we're not hosting him at Christmas again, unless other people are joining us.

As someone said earlier - I am reclaiming Christmas!

I would arrange an event or day during the Christmas period to see him. Go out for tea/dinner or to theatre or festive market etc etc. Accept he will be unpleasant company and have very low expectations. Then you've satiated your need to do your 'duty', but not had to have him over to your house and he doesn't get to ruin Christmas Day again.

I like the above suggestion.

I would give him plenty of notice of this, though. Perhaps in June invite him for a night in early December "because we won't be able to see you this Christmas".

OP, your brother has never invited to host you for Christmas. You're not obliged to host someone who is rude and doesn't reciprocate just because you're a woman. Women tend to do the social heavy lifting and peacemaking but he's your brother as much as you're his sister and has done none of this.

Yes Nearly there is no need for you to have him for Christmas. The suggestion is that you don't stop seeing him completely, thinking he is "toxic" as you said in your first post. Maybe he'd be better at a time of year when there is less in terms of expectations and pressure. (My DS is at his worst at Christmas). Give it a try and see if it's less awful when there's less at stake.

Oldbirdy - I totally agree with what you've said. Also, we have all been brainwashed to believe Xmas should be this Nirvana of families having a great time, and getting on, and everything's wonderful; which in itself causes stress, and is why any bad behaviour is highlighted and perceived to be much worse, at Christmas. Hence high Xmas divorce rate. Sorry I'm rambling but I agree that OP could include her DB another, less stressful, time.

I'm glad you've decided this OP. I noticed you say you don't see him other times so I guess you just feel pressure to include him because of the commercial stuff about xmas being family time?

Good decision, OP.

Oldbirdy - from an Aspie

Katy, Thanks :)
Lots of aspies in my family. Different not lesser :)

My BIL is very similar and comes every year. We don't really invite him either - we invite MIL and he comes along with her.

I suspect he has undiagnosed ASD. They only stay two nights though as he usually can't wait to get home by Boxing Day.