To think I'm emotionally abusive?

[lilyb84]

An incident with my dad earlier this year (which I posted about at the time on here) finally made me realise he's emotionally abusive which explains a lot about my childhood, our family and our relationships with him.

I'm struggling a lot with my DH at the moment and have recognised some of my behaviour towards him is emotionally abusive. I feel sick thinking that I'm taking after my dad and potentially making someone I love very miserable.

We have a ds who's nearly 1 and I know many couples struggle after having a baby. I also know my behaviour is linked to my depression and often the first sign for me that I'm depressed is that I start acting very irritable with DH.

But it's so much more than that. I constantly dig at him, blame him for things that I know aren't his fault as I just feel the need to lash out, and make pointed criticisms. Nothing he does is ever good enough and I constantly pick apart little thing he's done or just redo it myself.

I am nice to him too - I'm very impressed by and proud of his musical talent and achievements, and always thank him for doing nice things or even just day to day things. I do my best to support him and make his life as comfortable as possible so he doesn't have to worry too much - I do most of the housework, all the finances, shopping etc. He's out of work right now and looking for work and I make sure I help him with his CVs and cover letters and try to make him feel better about himself when he's feeling down.

But is this just another aspect of emotional abuse? Am I controlling him too much and trying to mould him into the person I want to be rather than the person he is?

He's a very loving and caring man who thinks the world of me even when I'm being a total bitch to him. I have some valid reasons for being slightly frustrated with him on occasion but for the most part I know I'm annoyed at him because of something in my own head rather than anything he's done. All he wants is for me and our ds to be happy and I feel like all I do is make us miserable by constantly carping on about stuff.

How can I stop this behaviour? Am I just an awful person? I just read an article listing the signs of emotional abuse and I do so many of them. I feel terrible

Personally I would be pissed off and making comments if fmy husband was doing anything less than his fair share of the housework, which would be a lot more than half of it if he wasn't working and I was up all night with the baby. It wouldn't be abusive in the slightest. It's perfectly rreasonable to be annoyed in your situation. You aren't getting any sleep and he is doing nothing at all around the house. He is massively taking the piss.

One of the things you could do to empower him and reduce your own stress is to delegate. Make something like the washing 'his' job. It'll be hard at first, because he won't do it the way you would, but you'll be less overloaded and less likely to snap.

You have to stop this nonsense about him being a daydreamer etc. He's a father and husband. He has responsibilities. But he can't be bothered with them. As a result you're strung out, exhausted and depressed, just like anyone else would be in that situation.

I should just be happy to see him and happy that he's had a bit of time to himself! I'm going to have a talk with him later to see what we can do to work on things.

I think when we grow up with abusive parents, we can be anxious not to be abusive and self esteem suffers and we become enablers. I'd say your only human and it's ok to feel upset or angry that your carrying the world on your shoulders. It sounds like you both dealt with the moment fine and no need to worry.

To me it looks like the issue here is your petrified of repeating history you've become a bit enabling, taking on too much and worrying about not wanting to be abusive. Then your resentful and stressed with carrying the majority of the load and the stress is getting to you. If your DH is a good man, he will hear you out and bare in mind your feelings too. You know him, we don't. But it's a good sign he acknowledged u was overwhelmed and took over so you could have a bath and he made food and what not.

What about counselling to deal with your fear or becoming like your Dad? It will help with your boundary struggles, self esteem and anxiety :)

Hmmmm....

But I think I see love and partnership as being a out practical support whereas he sees it as having a nice cuddle and saying lovely things. We definitely don't see eye to eye on the demonstration of affection

People do have different love languages ie. different things make them feel loved (there's a whole book about it!). You sound more like my dh. The thing is, it's important to 'speak' the other person's language. If you think love is about practical support: is he making YOU feel loved? If words and affection aren't that important to you then maybe you don't feel all that loved, or just feel like you should feel loved and then bad if you don't. He has to speak your language and you have to speak his.

I think the way you sound is that you were heavily criticised growing up and are now very very very critical of yourself (and others too perhaps, but more of yourself). You need to be kinder to you and then it will also be easier to less critical of others.

My experiences as a child coloured my adult relationships and it was my third husband who questioned the way I tackled resentment, perceived problems, the need to be in control, etc. It took a while but I took time to really think about what I was saying, to ask him why he was doing something in a particular way rather than telling him he was doing it wrong and to limit my fights to things that are really important. Communication was absolutely key.
However, it does seem like you are also under a great deal of pressure and it's more normal than you seem to be allowing for irritation in your circumstances. Just try to think what you want for your son to role model himself on within a relationship and talk to your OH about how you can achieve that as a team.

"a nice cuddle and saying lovely things."

Doesn't get

The bills paid
The house cleaned
The baby fed, nappy changed, interacted with, clothed, bathed etc
Household admin organised
You a break - which you bloody well need!

I don't see YOU being abusive at all!

"He is massively taking the piss." Absolutely!

Perhaps you are being sarcastic and snappy but frankly I don't blame you! He sounds like a lazy arse!

With you working ft and up hourly at night HE should be doing the majority of housework and household management.

The only things I think you maybe need to change are

How you word things/tone of voice

Accepting a less well done job by him it still means he's done it. I struggled with this in the past but now 'sod it at least it's done' (I'm wondering if he's doing it badly deliberately?)

Tell him he needs to grow the fuck up with finances - no excuse - get him to go on money saving expert, read some financial self help books, learn some techniques, and self discipline. As a pp said he's a father and husband now time he took some responsibility.

YANBU OP - anyone would be at the end of their tether. I had this a bit when DD2 was about that age and I ended up in hospital for 6 months at which point DH had to step up. You mention your DS goes to a child minder so he can't be breast feeding all the time. Could you sleep in another room one night and ask DH to do all the night feeds? If DS doesn't know you are around he might take the bottle - not necessarily straight away but when he realises he's not going to get mummy? You'd probably need ear plugs and might get a bit distressed but if you persevered for a couple of nights it might mean that you ended up able to share the night shift with DH and got a bit more sleep. Lack of sleep is always my breaking point for depression.

Might you and DH also have some couples therapy? It would be a way to explore the differences in approach and you could always present it as you being worried about what baggage you bring to the marriage rather than a marriage thing per se if he is a bit reluctant.

OP if you have time have a look at this book - I know it's Dr Phil and cheesy as all hell but it is really good at helping you see the connections between your behaviour and the behaviour of your other half. He basically says that we train our partners, and they train us, in how to be in a relationship - and where there's been childhood abuse it all tends to go a bit sideways. You guys do sound a bit codependent.

If he doesn't step up you will be carrying him for the rest of your life. He needs to take responsibility for his family.

TheSparrowhawk - yes I have read the thread thanks.

OP perhaps my wording was clumsy. What I was trying to say was that the behaviour you describe, if constant and unchecked, had potential to become emotionally abusive.

You clearly have a lot of self-awareness and are willing to access support to make sure this doesn't happen, which is great.

I'm also in agreement with PPs that your DH does need to step up as far as the practicalities of day to day family life are concerned.

I gave the example of my parents as I'm sure my mum's treatment of dad has eroded his confidence to the point that he's paralysed by inertia which then exacerbates the problem.

We all criticise our partners, get frustrated and resentful, and curse them under our breath occasionally which is 100% normal, but when it's consistent to the extent that the criticiser becomes unable to recognise positive actions, or the recipient feels unable to do anything without it causing a row or attractive disparaging comments, then it becomes a much bigger issue.

I will admit it's a sensitive subject for me having been on the receiving end as well as witnessing my parents relationship.

Thank you again for all your comments. I think I probably have been enabling less responsible behaviour by being controlling, and being a bit of a martyr. We've talked briefly this evening about instigating a housework rota so I'll do that asap. Then try my best to step back from 'his' bits. He doesn't do things badly on purpose, he's just got a habit of rushing and not thinking (it's an issue on his working life too) so for instance I'll walk in and he's cleaning a wooden floor with furniture polish because I've said 'clean the floor'. But he's much better at some tasks than I am - and when he puts his mind to something he gets it done every time (unlike me - he actually influenced me to be less of a procrastinator, ironically).

So I think I need to stifle him less and give him more power in what he probably perceives as 'my' domain.

He can do the rota.

These aren't hard tasks. Women tend to be better at them as they get a lot more practice.

Just include what product he needs to use for each task - then you won't find him polishing the silver with toilet cleaner!!!

It's almost as if he is deliberately being useless isn't it.