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AIBU?

To think I'm emotionally abusive?

66 replies

lilyb84 · 30/12/2016 15:00

An incident with my dad earlier this year (which I posted about at the time on here) finally made me realise he's emotionally abusive which explains a lot about my childhood, our family and our relationships with him.

I'm struggling a lot with my DH at the moment and have recognised some of my behaviour towards him is emotionally abusive. I feel sick thinking that I'm taking after my dad and potentially making someone I love very miserable.

We have a ds who's nearly 1 and I know many couples struggle after having a baby. I also know my behaviour is linked to my depression and often the first sign for me that I'm depressed is that I start acting very irritable with DH.

But it's so much more than that. I constantly dig at him, blame him for things that I know aren't his fault as I just feel the need to lash out, and make pointed criticisms. Nothing he does is ever good enough and I constantly pick apart little thing he's done or just redo it myself.

I am nice to him too - I'm very impressed by and proud of his musical talent and achievements, and always thank him for doing nice things or even just day to day things. I do my best to support him and make his life as comfortable as possible so he doesn't have to worry too much - I do most of the housework, all the finances, shopping etc. He's out of work right now and looking for work and I make sure I help him with his CVs and cover letters and try to make him feel better about himself when he's feeling down.

But is this just another aspect of emotional abuse? Am I controlling him too much and trying to mould him into the person I want to be rather than the person he is?

He's a very loving and caring man who thinks the world of me even when I'm being a total bitch to him. I have some valid reasons for being slightly frustrated with him on occasion but for the most part I know I'm annoyed at him because of something in my own head rather than anything he's done. All he wants is for me and our ds to be happy and I feel like all I do is make us miserable by constantly carping on about stuff.

How can I stop this behaviour? Am I just an awful person? I just read an article listing the signs of emotional abuse and I do so many of them. I feel terrible

OP posts:

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lilyb84 · 30/12/2016 16:53

I do as I bf and he won't settle for anything other than boob. He wakes hourly most nights. DH would love to get up with him but having tried it it just results in a hysterically screaming and awake baby. We're planning on maybe weaning him in the new year and possibly doing some sleep training so nights are easier all round.

I'm hoping he goes through a daddy stage once he's weaned so I can have a break!

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 16:59

Sweetheart, you're not emotionally abusive. You're totally and utterly exhausted and your partner is not supporting you. You work full time, you're up hourly every night, you're doing all the housework, shopping and finances. Your DH doesn't work, doesn't get up and doesn't do his share around the house. In that context bursting into tears when he's laid around the house for 5 hours is a totally normal understandable reaction.

You need a break and some rest.

GabsAlot · 30/12/2016 17:03

so u go out to give him a break because he was pissed and he just lounge about all day

anyone would be annoyed thats not abuse

fourkids · 30/12/2016 17:03

FWIW your post doesn't make me think you are emotionally abusive either...but I do think the poster's advice about thinking 'is it kind and is it necessary?' before criticising is great advice for all of us. I do try to do this, but verbalising it I this way feels helpful.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:03

To add it absolutely ridiculous that you're giving him 5 hours to himself when you're up all night every night with your DS. He should be giving you all the time he can possibly give you to relax and rest.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:04

Also OP a bath is not a treat.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:11

I do think your father's abuse has affected you, but only in that it has made you expect and accept bad treatment.

Skang · 30/12/2016 17:17

Yes, he isn't pulling his weight in the slightest so it's no wonder you're snapping at him.

Has he told you he thinks you're being emotionally abusive?

ViewBasket · 30/12/2016 17:19

Would you consider having some therapy to get beyond the effects your past is still having? This way you could talk about your thoughts and feelings, with an independent person, and work out ways to change how you relate to your DH. For most of us, it's not easy to just resolve to change our automatic patterns of thoughts and actions, without the support/tools to do so.

Sillybillybonker · 30/12/2016 17:19

I don't know the answer to your post but nearly all of us are sometimes truly horrid to those closest to us. It doesn't automatically mean that we are emotionally abusive.

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 17:20

Bloody hell no wonder you get ratty with him, he needs to start pulling his weight and taking responsibility for the household tasks.

ViewBasket · 30/12/2016 17:21

Sorry, not read thread in enough detail... I see you have had CBT. You could either go through what you've already learned, or try a different longer-term talking therapy. You're gaining awareness of what you'd like to change which is a very good start.

lilyb84 · 30/12/2016 17:21

He's has acknowledged he's rubbish. I sent him the list of signs someone is emotionally abusive and asked if he thinks I am. He answered (lightheartedly) 'maybe, but then I am rubbish'. He then said 'I'd have left me ages ago'.

So he does know there's more he can do. He went out yesterday with friends so it was fine that he was a bit worse for wear today but I think I just feel a bit annoyed that it doesn't matter what I do or how tired or ill I am, I have to carry on as usual. That's just being a parent, isn't it? But maybe I'm being too much of a martyr as well as a pp said. DH often tries to get me to nap when there's a spare hour but I refuse as I hate to be lying around when there's stuff to do - maybe he's just better at looking after himself than I am and I need to relax more!

For those saying I'm not emotionally abusive I appreciate the reassurance but do think my behaviour is out of order on occasion and am going to do my best to work through it. Last time it got really bad I ended up going to my GP and being given ADs which didn't help (although they've massively helped my DH for years now). I then self-referred to CBT which I did while pregnant and it did help a bit. Think I need to revisit those techniques - having checked out the Feel Good Handbook online it looks like he uses the same exercises I did with my counsellor so that's encouraging.

Thank you all, I feel simultaneously reassured and determined to do something about my unacceptable behaviour!

OP posts:

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 17:23

I bet if he stopped being useless your mod would improve no end.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:24

What do you class as 'unacceptable behaviour'?

lilyb84 · 30/12/2016 17:33

Constant criticism. Criticisms where I'm not even saying it directly but under my breath or 'to' ds ('oh look, daddy's left your clothes on the floor and they need to go in the wash' type stuff). Correcting words he's got wrong. Being cold and distant when I'm annoyed. Stuff like that.

I also control all our finances but that's because he's truly rubbish with money and has pretty much asked me to look after everything! But I wonder if I've pushed him into being 'rubbish' by being controlling iyswim?

I also talk about our relationship with friends, moan about him (have done plenty of that on here!) and so on, when I know for a fact he'd never dream of doing that about me. He seems to think I'm pretty wonderful most of the time

I know a lot of this is normal but none of my friends talk about their partners in the same way I do and I can't imagine any of them treating them the way I do my DH either.

I do have a nice side, honest! I'm very supportive and do lots of nice things for him. But I think I see love and partnership as being a out practical support whereas he sees it as having a nice cuddle and saying lovely things. We definitely don't see eye to eye on the demonstration of affection!

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:36

Do you see why you criticise him though? He's a really awful partner.

PandoraMole · 30/12/2016 17:37

I constantly dig at him, blame him for things that I know aren't his fault as I just feel the need to lash out, and make pointed criticisms. Nothing he does is ever good enough and I constantly pick apart little thing he's done or just redo it myself

I'm a bit of a control/clean freak

I think your behaviour does sound emotionally abusive tbh (particularly the fact that you do it 'constantly') but given your history, the fact that you are aware of it and your current tricky circumstances I'm not sure you need to beating yourself up about it.

I'd suggest investigating some counselling to deal with the treatment you received from your father, and managing your own feelings/behaviour. It sounds like your DH might need to pull his weight a bit more, and I think your suggestions re weaning and sleep training are probably a good idea.

My behaves in the way you describe to my dad. They are in their late 70's and I'm living with them atm. It's absolutely heart-breaking to hear and dad can't do right for doing wrong. If he tries to do something it's always wrong, if he stays out of the way she berates him for 'sitting on his arse all day'. Then he tries again and she'll shout at him for getting under her feet.

The difference is my mum has no self awareness regarding her behaviour.

Skang · 30/12/2016 17:40

I'm emotionally abusive too by that definition. Those aren't emotional abuse, OP!

Literally everyone I know complains about their relationship. Sometimes in detail of rather not know. I don't personally apart from maybe the odd comment tto my sister, but it is very common and not a sign of abuse.

Unless you're actually bad-mouthing him to your friends in front of him?

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:40

Pandora, have you read he thread? The OP's partner wastes money, won't do housework or shopping, doesn't work, doesn't get up with the baby at night, while the OP works full time and is up hourly at night. Don't you reckon you'd be snappy in those circumstances? I'd be insane with rage and exhaustion.

lilyb84 · 30/12/2016 17:41

Pandora that's really sad. I definitely don't want to be like that. I grew up with my dad ruling the roost and my mum never saying anything to criticise - if she did she was very quickly shot down. I don't think I'm as bad as that, as I can take criticism and DH can do right as well as wrong - I always make sure I thank and praise him when he's helpful or proactive so I hopefully encourage more helpfulness and proactivity! But when he's annoyed me I do start on a bit of a negative spiral which I find it hard to shake, and that's when I start digging.

OP posts:

Bauble16 · 30/12/2016 17:43

Hmm. Emotional abuse isn't black and white. Sometimes people do things to us and asking them nicely to pack it in acheives nothing. If I was doing all your doing I'd be depressed and angry too. You aren't supposed to give yourself up and do everything to please the other. It's fine and take, teamwork. You might make mistakes and go too far, we all do. You can change to correct that but don't tar yourself as an abuser. Abusers rarely give a shit and have zero self awareness anyway.

lilyb84 · 30/12/2016 17:44

See, I'm even painting him in a bad light on here He's really not as bad as all that, and believe me he wants to be working! He's a bit of a daydreamer and I think that affects his whole outlook on life as he gets easily distracted - so where I'll use my time really effectively he'll probably spend an hour looking something up on the Internet then getting sidetracked. But he does do housework, and shopping, and he's much better with ds than I am as he's much more patient. It's not equal by a long shot but it's not like he does nothing.

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:47

I never said he does nothing. But while you're working FT and he's not and you're up hourly every night, he should be doing the vast vast majority of everything else.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 17:48

Can you see that you're being very hard on yourself while excusing all his behaviour? He knows very well that he doesn't do enough, but he doesn't bother changing that.

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