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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To try and spare Dh feelings?

64 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 12:13

Back story- Dh, youngest DD and I moved to new country for a change of lifestyle following a life changing event.
We made friends although we live very rural mainly other mums/dads through toddler club and then school.
About 3 years ago we got mail addressed to a woman down road and took it down on our way into town. Dh dropped it down whilst I stayed in car and he was ages well over half an hour. So he comes back how full of what a lovely woman she is. she has dogs and a horse and He said that I would go riding with her.
Fair enough as we have horses.
Fast forward a year and we are all good friends although this woman (who is still single and has a string of bad relationships) rings Dh constantly for help, has had nights out to pub with Dh, (which I don't due to lack of babysitter and no family around). And when we have managed to go out for early evening drinks, she says put me down comments like 'are you still here?'

Now I'm not the jealous type, never have been but she started to piss me off to the point where I asked Dh not to go drinking with her anymore which he didn't. But we were still friends and she used to drop in to house with bottle of wine and we used to go riding together.
Fast forward to date and she now has a dp who she lives with. It's not a stable relationship and they constantly fight (verbal) and we have put her up here on several occasions but she always goes back to him.
A couple of months ago Dh and I had a falling out which escalated into a high row then some and he flew back to England for a couple of weeks. (First propoer fight in nearly 20 years).
Whilst he was gone our 'friend came to see me everyday telling me what I should be doing and what to txt him ect... looking back now she seemed to want us to split. Well we didn't and he came home. She was furious about it telling me how stupid I was ect. Then over the space of a week she went nc with me, wouldn't return txt or answer calls.
I found out Dh had rung her (he told me) never really got to bottom of what call was about but apparently he had asked her to mediate with us so we could talk without arguing which she refused to do which is fair enough.
So, about two weeks went by. Dh kept asking if I'd heard from her.
In the end I txt her to ask what was wrong and had I done something wrong?
She sent me a horrible txt back saying I'd let Dh come between our freindship, rubbishing him as a parent because we had argued infront of our DD the day he had left, and that she didn't need friends like me who only got in touch when their Dh were at work!
I still don't know what I have done and Dh would be devastated as he adores Dd and would walk through flames for her.
He still asks if I've heard from friend but I don't know wether to tell him about the txt or not. I just don't understand how someone could just cut a freindship dead or have I been nieve and she was never really my friend?

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/12/2016 16:32

I agree completely with an earlier poster who said that no one is allowed entry into a healthy marriage.

Your original post is very skewed, you are actually encouraging and enabling this woman to play at stealing your husband/ playing god with your relationship or whatever she's getting out of this weird behavior. It's not your fault but now you've understood what's happening - you need to protect your marriage, not be keeping secrets from your husband which then allow this woman entry into manipulating and holding secrets... please stop letting her in!

I must emphasize that she's the bad one here and it's not your fault. But now you know, you need to get up to speed quickly and get you and your husband together and without secrets or mixed motives that give her an 'in'.

The time for keeping secrets with this woman from your husband have definitely, definitely gone.

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 16:51

Some of this has been hard reading for me but has also made me see things more clearly. So I've decided that tonight I'm going to wait till DD goes to bed and sit down with Dh and discuss the txt from 'her'.
I'm going to have to keep level headed because things keep popping into my head and also was looking through some photos earlier and one got me really annoyed where the three of us are on our boat and she has her arms around my Dh. Her dp actually took the picture and I remember her telling me he didn't like it cause she had her arm around my Dh and her dop got jealous about it.
I'll tell you what MN you lot are eye openers!!

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 16:52

Her dp got jealous

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2016 17:05

Im sorry Patricia, I tend to agree with the posters who say there sounds like more to it. I hope everything goes ok when you talk to your DH.

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 21:27

Well we sat and talked. Dh reckons he felt sorry for her because she was on her own at first then he didn't like the way her dp was treating her. He reckons he didn't think I minded him going out and that when I said no more he stopped. Which in fairness he did. I told him about the txt from her.
He was very upset as I knew he would be and he went on to say that he thought she had mental problems. I told him about what had happened when he was away and the part she played. He got annoyed with me at this point and blamed me for listening to her and how everything got out of hand.
I pointed out that he had invited her into our lives in the first place and that he should be putting his energy into our family not someone else's.
I asked him if anything had gone on between them and he told me I was now being rediculous and that he loves me and that when he had gone out (for a drink) there were always people we both know there (our friends) so if anything was going on I'd have known long before now.
He also agreed that she tried to make trouble between us and was probably down to jealousy.
To be honest I want to believe him. We have been together a long time and been through so much. He said he loves me and our DD.
What do you all think?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 21:31

I think that what happens re. this woman over the next few weeks will be very telling

I would be insisting he shows you any communication she initiates between them and that strict no contact is the way to go

If that winds her up, she will start to sing like a canary and you might get the full story

So far, I don't think you have

Oddbins · 30/12/2016 21:33

I'm glad you got the chance to talk and hopefully ignoring this woman will work.

Forwarned is for armed

Valentine2 · 30/12/2016 22:23

AnyFucker

Can I please make a locket of your name so it keeps reminding me of all the things I have learnt from you so far? Grin
I stalk you on Relationships

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 22:49

Erm. Relationships is a great topic, isn't it ? Xmas Wink

cocopopsrock · 30/12/2016 22:56

Oh goodness.. stay away from her. You don't need her or her drama in your life!

Valentine2 · 31/12/2016 00:52

AnyFucker
Course it is.Xmas Smile I wish I had come across Mumsnet ten years and multiple lessons ago. I learn at least one thing per week here. because Of my learning speed

snapcrap · 31/12/2016 12:27

I don't believe you've got the whole story either sorry. The fact that she flirted with him so openly in plain sight makes it almost impossible that she didn't initiate more with him when you weren't there and with booze involved. The question is do you want to know and what would you do with that information if you heard that there had been inappropriate conversations or an affair? I'd want to know personally but others wouldn't.

Patriciathestripper1 · 31/12/2016 18:55

We are going to a New Year's Eve house party tonight and she is going to be there with her dp. Dreading it now as she always gets drunk and loud and at the moment all I want to do is stay in now.

OP posts:
bunnylove99 · 31/12/2016 19:11

OP. I think you should draw a line under the whole thing, have nothing more to do with the woman and ensure your husband doesn't either. Make 2017 fresh start. I wouldn't be pondering on what else might have happened. People on here might speculate but they don't know your husband, you do. I would generally suggest a husband going out for drinks/round to house of single women to be a complete no no. IMO it's jus not appropriate.

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