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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try and spare Dh feelings?

64 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 12:13

Back story- Dh, youngest DD and I moved to new country for a change of lifestyle following a life changing event.
We made friends although we live very rural mainly other mums/dads through toddler club and then school.
About 3 years ago we got mail addressed to a woman down road and took it down on our way into town. Dh dropped it down whilst I stayed in car and he was ages well over half an hour. So he comes back how full of what a lovely woman she is. she has dogs and a horse and He said that I would go riding with her.
Fair enough as we have horses.
Fast forward a year and we are all good friends although this woman (who is still single and has a string of bad relationships) rings Dh constantly for help, has had nights out to pub with Dh, (which I don't due to lack of babysitter and no family around). And when we have managed to go out for early evening drinks, she says put me down comments like 'are you still here?'

Now I'm not the jealous type, never have been but she started to piss me off to the point where I asked Dh not to go drinking with her anymore which he didn't. But we were still friends and she used to drop in to house with bottle of wine and we used to go riding together.
Fast forward to date and she now has a dp who she lives with. It's not a stable relationship and they constantly fight (verbal) and we have put her up here on several occasions but she always goes back to him.
A couple of months ago Dh and I had a falling out which escalated into a high row then some and he flew back to England for a couple of weeks. (First propoer fight in nearly 20 years).
Whilst he was gone our 'friend came to see me everyday telling me what I should be doing and what to txt him ect... looking back now she seemed to want us to split. Well we didn't and he came home. She was furious about it telling me how stupid I was ect. Then over the space of a week she went nc with me, wouldn't return txt or answer calls.
I found out Dh had rung her (he told me) never really got to bottom of what call was about but apparently he had asked her to mediate with us so we could talk without arguing which she refused to do which is fair enough.
So, about two weeks went by. Dh kept asking if I'd heard from her.
In the end I txt her to ask what was wrong and had I done something wrong?
She sent me a horrible txt back saying I'd let Dh come between our freindship, rubbishing him as a parent because we had argued infront of our DD the day he had left, and that she didn't need friends like me who only got in touch when their Dh were at work!
I still don't know what I have done and Dh would be devastated as he adores Dd and would walk through flames for her.
He still asks if I've heard from friend but I don't know wether to tell him about the txt or not. I just don't understand how someone could just cut a freindship dead or have I been nieve and she was never really my friend?

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 30/12/2016 13:03

OP If you or DH receive any further communications from her you need to share them immediately as she will use anything she can to come between you. I doubt she's given up on her desire to get your DH into her clutches.
Good luck

Original poster

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 13:03

glourious it's not that I feel he needs protecting, it more that I am annoyed his parenting was questioned and I didn't want her poison sitting in His head making him feel he is less of a parent because he is great but is only human.
He always does the best for us and we support each other and I am sorry I didn't tell him right away but we were getting back on an even keel and the stuff she txt was a bit weird and she made it sound as though I had been saying things to her about his parenting which I hadn't.
I wish I had just told him on the day.

OP posts:

elvis86 · 30/12/2016 13:07

glourious it's not that I feel he needs protecting, it more that I am annoyed his parenting was questioned and I didn't want her poison sitting in His head making him feel he is less of a parent because he is great but is only human.

I really think you potentially have bigger fish to fry rather than worry about your OH's feelings.

Did he leap to your defence every time this woman asked when you were leaving / put you down / joked about you being fat? Doesn't sound like it. In fact it sounds like he encouraged the continuation of the friendship.

Original poster

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 13:08

elvis yes I'm sorry to say it is real. That fat jibe did really upset me too. Sometimes you are so close to something that you just don't see it 😟

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 13:08

I think you are the one that needs "protecting"

From your husband who sees no problem in letting a 3rd person into your marriage
From your own naivety and people-pleasing

chipsandgin · 30/12/2016 13:10

Having lived in rural Europe for 5 years this sounds so horribly familiar - the weird ex-pat community with it's oddbods and freaks and all that intensity because you have so few people to choose from. Plus so many weirdos who have moved away to escape usually from themselves from something or to give themselves an identity.

It is a massive strain on any relationship, we moved back 10 years ago and of all the couples we knew then I only know of one except us that are still together and one person who still lives out there. My advice would be get out whilst you can and whilst you are still together. Plus run as fast and as far as you can from that strange 'friend' who clearly wants in on your husband! Good luck!

mygorgeousmilo · 30/12/2016 13:12

She's clearly trying the divide and conquer method, and by not sharing with your husband, you are reading into that. Things like "my DH went because we didn't have a babysitter" errrr why then does that mean that he goes out instead of you? My DH and I rarely have babysitting available, but do take it in turns to have nights out. Your husband has definitely done enough to encourage this weird relationship and I'd be pretty furious with him, probably from the beginning of it all to be honest. She was never your friend, friends aren't sly and mean and nasty, and they respect relationships and boundaries of couples. She's a fruit cake. Ditch the relationship with her and have an open and clear discussion with your husband about the whole sorry mess from its beginning to its end. You're well shot of her to be honest.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2016 13:16

Well you didn't tell him on the day and that can't be helped now. Plan going forward - you and he need to talk about your mutual 'friend'. And the fact that she's no friend at all.

I'll be generous to your husband and presume he's been as naive and trusting as yourself. Start by telling him about what she was trying to get you to do whilst he was in England. "Whilst he was gone our 'friend came to see me everyday telling me what I should be doing and what to txt him ect... looking back now she seemed to want us to split. Well we didn't and he came home. She was furious about it telling me how stupid I was ect. " He needs to know this, because she's been singing a different song to him.

Both of you need to talk to each other about what she has been saying to each of you.

And I'd be wondering about your argument, the one where he buggered off to England. Your first big argument in 20 years? What was it about? (Not asking you to discuss that here, but with your husband.) Was it about her? Or stirred up by her? I'd lay money on it she's had a hand.

mygorgeousmilo · 30/12/2016 13:18

And, agree with elvis - you do have bigger fish to fry than someone making a remark about his parenting. Also chips this is familiar, albeit at arms length, for me too. Expat communities can of course be wonderful, but there are many, many people who have run away from themselves and are just plain weird and odd. Often they've completely burned bridges with their families and communities, and often for some sordid or narc-related reason. I say this in the knowledge that this does not include every expat ever, seeing as I once was one, but not a weirdo - I hope

Oddbins · 30/12/2016 13:25

Please don't berate the OP for being naive or anything similar. The truth is that we judge people by our own standards and being so manipulative, two faced and nasty is completely alien to most people. In hindsight of course she should not have trusted her but that's because the "friend" us untrustworthy not because the OP is naive.

I had enough problems dealing with this and people saying that I should have known did not help. I wasn't a fool I still am not. I was a deceived and this person was exceptionally skilled at destroying my self self esteem with sly comments which made me vulnerable.

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/12/2016 13:30

Cut this woman out! Otherwise you'll come come to dismembered bunnies and alike! She's trouble...

Playing you both off each other.

...I would change the word "friend" to "fiend"

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2016 13:35

Absolutely agree Oddbins. People like OP's 'frenemy' operate in such a way that a nice normal person can never 'know'. Not until long after the damage has been done.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 30/12/2016 13:36

Patricia

Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like the 'life changing event' that happened and instigated the move, then living somewhere quite isolated made you a bit blinded to what was going on.

Tell your DH straight away. Apologise for not telling him sooner. If it was me I wouldn't tell him that I was worried how he take it, I'd simply say I just wanted a lovely Christmas without this woman being on your minds.

I would say that she's completely unbalanced and that you do not want her in your life, his life or your DD's life. That you feel lucky that she wasn't able to achieve her goal, getting between you and getting with him. (It's best to spell this out!).

I, too, am concerned with what you have put up with from him. He's treat you really badly and allowed her too. However, you've been together a long time and it might just be that his thinking hadn't been too great after everything that's happened. I'd see this as time for a clean slate, but I'd keep an eye on how he's treating you. For example, it's really really not on for him to regularly be out drinking with another woman while you stay home with DD. He could have taken turns at least or just not gone. He doesn't appear to have defended you against her horrible comments either.

snapcrap · 30/12/2016 13:39

I'm sorry I don't just think she's been 'after' your dh, I think they had an affair!

pinkie1982 · 30/12/2016 13:42

Does no one else have a suspicion about the husband and friend here?

Original poster

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 13:42

chips yes I'd agree completely about the ex pat community. Almost everyone we've met has something a little odd. We used to laugh how we the only sane ones!
My Dh had a very bad accident that left him with a brain injury (now recovered from) and a disability with his mobility and So we moved so Dh could be closer to his two DD from previous marriage, and for a better lifestyle we wouldn't have been able to afford in the uk. We have overcome such a lot. We share same hobbies but he is unable to ride anymore and this is how freind got invited into our lives. I can see how she got a foot hold as Dh probably felt needed by someone as she was always Asking for help eg boiler roo. Door needed securing, just lots of little stuff like that and she would always have a beer waiting for him...
Our argument started as something trivial about money. Said Friend wanted me to go for a long weekend to lanzarote (which I'd already said no too when she first mentioned it) but started out as 'oh so your Dh won't let you go' which when I told him it started a row about money then onto why would I want to go away on my own and then all hell broke loose. It got stupid and out of hand and I wish it had never happened but it did.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 13:46

Me too, snap

I think there is much more to this. Other people are not allowed into a functioning marriage in this way unless there is already a huge chink, often this is because there is something massive to hide that at least one participant does not want revealed.

RainbowJack · 30/12/2016 13:48

but it did.

Because of her. Dump that poison or say goodbye to your marriage because her manipulation is not going to stop.

GloriousGoosebumps · 30/12/2016 13:49

Patriciathestripper1 , when you say, "I didn't want her poison sitting in His head making him feel he is less of a parent ...", I think you are just being too dramatic. I still say that you (a) need to tell dh what she has been saying and (b) he'll be able to cope with her criticism because he'll be able to put his behaviour into context.

Original poster

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/12/2016 13:53

Oh god anyfucker I am sick to my stomach now reading some of the comments and beginning up think I have been a total fool and always thought (and so did Dh) that we had a good marriage. She just seemed to creep into it.

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 30/12/2016 14:00

I too read the OP and thought DH was having an affair with the friend. At the very least, she's been after him for ages and he has been flattered by the attention, and encouraged it.

I'm so sorry Patricia

snapcrap · 30/12/2016 14:01

The question is what do you want to do next?

Yes you've been naive but that's not a crime. I really feel for you x

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2016 14:11

Bloody lucky scape if you ask me. Don't let her back in no matter what, she is obviously trying to cause issues between you and your DH, maybe she wants him, who knows. I wouldn't let him go off to help her or go out with her while you're stuck at home. Wtf is that about?!

Valentine2 · 30/12/2016 14:24

I will go against the grain here may be. I don't think she is after your DH really. She was after breaking you two and probably thought you two have a perfect marriage. Her relationship history says this I think.
But run for the hills anyway. Your DH seems to precept this at some level too. And I don't think he looks like he had a physical affair with her though I would very much question the time they spent together.
Kick her out. Then deal with the rest by having an open mdiscussion with DH. Hope it all gets sorted for you and family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2016 15:47

Would this woman be able to resist gloatingly telling the OP, had there been an affair? I have to say, I doubt it. IMO if there has been an affair it has been of the emotional variety, and your husband may not have realised! Although I would just wonder if that brain injury he has recovered from involved his impulse control (sorry, ever the cynic). No doubt his ego was stroked, but just as she played you OP, she played him too.

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