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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to point out someone's dangerous parenting?

76 replies

Namechangeinto2017 · 29/12/2016 20:02

Saw someone on my Facebook wearing baby under their coat. Baby couldn't be seen in photo they'd captioned that baby was under the coat.

Commented on photo saying cute photo but if you're wearing baby they should be kissable and visable at all times and put a little link to a baby wearing website that has a good blog and some lovely weatherproof covers that might be better if they felt baby needed protection from the elements.

Now all the "your baby your rulz" huns have jumped on saying that it's fine and keep doing what you're doing hun and girl in question has posted about people being nasty about other people's parenting styles.

I never post anything mean, nasty or critical I'm happy to get on with parenting my little one my way and let others parent their way but i just felt it was so dangerous as baby is very tiny.

AIBU to point this out? Or should I just leave them to their potentially baby smothering ways next time?

< Prepares the flameproof clothing > Grin

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 29/12/2016 22:02

If I have upset you I am sorry OP, I was just trying to give another view

PickAChew · 29/12/2016 22:03

YANBU t point it out, but, as you've acknowledged PM would almost definitely have gone down better.

At a guess, it's her first winter babywearing and, in some places, the first taste of proper bitterly cold winter weather, today.

I get just as frustrated with people walking aorund the shopping centres which are so overheated you don't feel comfortable in anything more than a t-shirt, with their baby in a pram, in a snowsuit, with layers of blankets and a quilt over the top. Anything you can see of the baby is bright red. It's probably more dangerous than being slightly underdressed for the dash to the bus stop (both my boys shunned anything that would have them appropriately dressed for today's weather and survived to tell the tale! Neither tolerated anything on their feet or heads.)

Wookiecookies · 29/12/2016 22:05

Where are the vipers OP?

StoneRosesSallyCinnamon · 29/12/2016 22:06

YABU. I cannot see how a photo would show a baby being dangerously parented

Mindtrope · 29/12/2016 22:06

I often wore my baby under my coat. I wore a big wrap around cashmere coat with no buttons.
As a tiny newborn it was the easiest way to carry him about without having to trap him under layers of snowsuit.
It made breastfeeding easier ( done in a sling).
At no point was he crushed, impeded and his face was always visible to me, had a clear easy access to fresh air.
Anyone taking a photo from my front would not be able to see my baby's face. But I could.

TitusAndromedon · 29/12/2016 22:16

I agree with you, OP, that in some scenarios it's appropriate to mention genuine concerns that you may have. However, I'm under the impression that the 'close enough to kiss' aspect of the TICKS guidelines is really more for the comfort of the person wearing the sling, rather than for safety. A baby worn too low can cause back and shoulder pain. If you were concerned that the baby's airway was blocked, that's obviously another issue. You might find it useful to think about commenting positively, and then including some useful information. So, you could say something like, 'Baby cuddles are just the best! I love using a sling as well. I found this information really helpful for keeping us both comfortable.' Then, provide your link or meme or whatever.

This makes me sound like I'm always telling people how to parent. I promise I'm not, but I was briefly part of a FB group that endorsed giving lots of parenting advice and this was the sort of approach they recommended.

Scaredycat3000 · 29/12/2016 22:21

YABU OP. You don't need to see the baby, the wearer does, you can't tell anything you need to know about the baby's safety from what you have told us. Also relevant is the age (muscle strength), type of carry/sling.
As you already thought the sling was being used incorrectly why not tell her where and when the local sling meet is. That would have been helpful and tactful.
Do you also warn people not to leave their newborn in their car seats any longer than required as babies die of asphyxiation in car seats even when used correctly, unlike slings?

Scaredycat3000 · 29/12/2016 22:23

No Tit kissing the top of the head is so that you are close enough to hear/see their breathing is fine.

LaurieMarlow · 29/12/2016 22:24

Delivering the message like you did is likely to have been counterproductive and simply entrench the dangerous behaviour.

You should have sent a pm.

If you want to bring about actual behaviour change, rather than just highlight your own superiority, you need to think hard about how the message is delivered and how it's likely to be received.

Did you really think criticising someone on a public forum was likely to be well received?

Mindtrope · 29/12/2016 22:29

But was it dangerous behaviour?

We don't know that.

BiscuitMillionaire · 29/12/2016 22:45

I think you should have sent her a PM. Oh wait, that's already been said like about 57 TIMES.

DeviTheGaelet · 29/12/2016 22:53

YABU.
Top of babies head needs to be visible to the mother, not everyone.
Babies chin needs to have 2 finger spaces to chest. Which you can not tell by looking.
The baby that suffocated was in a bag type sling, they are known to be dangerous. Slings like baby bjorns/stretchies/ergos are much safer.

charlestrenet · 30/12/2016 00:04

Well now, I dunno. Hmm

PrinceHansOfTheTescoAisles · 30/12/2016 00:18

What mindtrope said. ..I could always see dd's face and airways but a picture may have made it look different. And it hugely irritated me when random strangers came up asking if she could breathe. Yes, her chest was against mine. I'm pretty sure I could feel her breathing. ..

nooka · 30/12/2016 01:00

Looks like the risk is primarily associated with the sling not the coat and is about positioning. I used a baby bjorn when my children were tiny, long before carrying your baby in a sling was called 'babywearing' it held the baby nice and upright with their head pretty much under my chin. Not in vogue now though. I wore my coat around us both but you'd not be able to tell the babies didn't have any warm clothes on from a photo.

I once commented on a friends facebook post in a way that I thought was helpful but obviously wasn't at all as she got upset and then defriended me. I really didn't mean to upset her at all, but commented on her wall rather than as a pm and it clearly made her feel like I was lecturing her. In person I'd probably not have said something with all her friends (who I didn't know) around her, and should have thought about it a bit more. It about one of those book sending chain letter thingies, and I'd recently read that they were a con and thought she'd like to know. She really didn't! sorry friend, didn't mean to upset you :)

PocoAndWine · 30/12/2016 01:07

I think it depends on your relationship with the person and if you know the full story. A relation posted a picture of me and my son on Facebook ages ago. Very scenic area and we just got out of the car for the picture and I put my son in the carrier for no longer than 3 mins. He was so smiley and I didn't think it would be posted on Facebook anyway! Had horrible comments from a woman I barely knew. I felt so embarrassed Blush

sleeponeday · 30/12/2016 01:35

A PM wouldn't have told anyone else that it wasn't a safe thing to do, nor publicised the link that tells what is safe. How can we make choices, if we lack the information? It's all well and good to say people can do what they want, and of course they can, but surely information when deciding what that is is beneficial?

I knew how to use a sling safely because people on MN talked about it, and on occasion, flamed one another. Same as rearfacing careseats and God knows what else. If they all PMd one another, how could I have known?

It's uncomfortable, OP, and I do feel for that mother, but I'd feel a lot more for someone whose baby suffocated. You had good intentions and provided good quality information. The rest is up to her and the other posting parents.

Namechaneinto2017 · 30/12/2016 01:37

I use a woven wrap myself and I wouldn't have felt safe carrying a baby that small as it appeared to be being carried.

I work in the construction industry where the culture is to openly discuss safety
So it's far better for me to say "I don't think this is safe" and it make someone think about what they are doing than for me to walk past and the worst happen.

I admit I've probably not approached it correctly but personally I'd rather someone say something to me.

Someone questioned me about one of my carries when i was out one day and even though I was sure it was safe I still went and doubled checked online when I got home.

I've been doing some reading because it has upset me to be fair because it comes from a good place and I do think we're all too quick to see the bad in things these days.

sleeponeday · 30/12/2016 01:39

nooka I was grateful to a friend who highlighted that the book thing wasn't any better than Forever Living. I felt an idiot, but it meant I could message the people who had signed up with me and tell them it was a con, so I wasn't increasing the thing. And the friend was right.

Maybe some people can learn without ever being humiliated, but I certainly don't. I think shooting the messenger is a form of idiocy in and of itself. People willing to tell you to your face when you're making a mistake are valuable, if their motives are genuine.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2016 02:01

YANBU, but I agree if the comment was on an open thread your friend could feel alienated, I think a personal message would have been better.

If she seems 'off' with you I would write a personal message just to her explaining you are only concerned for her little one.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2016 02:07

Mindtrope "But was it dangerous behaviour? We don't know that."

We don't always know what is dangerous until something actually happens, but we can say that some ways of carrying baby can have issues....

Sorry if this has already been mentioned.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/baby-suffocated-in-sling-prompts-mother-to-caution-parents-who-use-the-method-9239328.html

I know this is a sling and not a coat but it does show there can be issues.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 30/12/2016 02:42

Tricky one to get the balance right - overall I think it is better and braver to comment on something unsafe even if you know you might get some flack for it. That said, a tactful approach is more likely to get a positive reception and be taken on board.

I think I would have approached it like Titus suggests and not overtly said 'you're doing it wrong' - perhaps something like "Brings back happy memories of carrying my DC when they were tiny. I don't know about you but I found it tricky to get the positioning right at first, was always paranoid about checking they they could breathe properly - I found this advice really helpful [link]"

Reality16 · 30/12/2016 10:53

I am of the opinion that anyone who is posting pictures of things that are not quite as we would do should be left alone. I have people on fb who I cringe at when they show the kids in the car seats with straps loosely hanging off their shoulders. But, I am fully aware of they can't do the very basics in terms of reading how to fit seat and child they are not going to take advice from anyone anyway.

Bauble16 · 30/12/2016 11:01

Your bubba your rules is rediculous. It's a way for parents to excuse crap parenting. Parenting requires basic common sense.

Mindtrope · 30/12/2016 11:18

italiangreyhound that link is not relevant.

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