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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want children to play on anything other than xbox etc and enjoy it?

72 replies

Lazymazy1 · 28/12/2016 23:26

Ds (9) obsessed with his tablet / console,
Loves his mates, but anyway, in my mind it's not a positive childhood to spend all his time on them.

His mates come round practically sulking as I encourage them to play other stuff, real games/ card/ lego etc.
My ds understands as I keep boring him with it but it's so hard when mates can not be happy unless they're playing xbox...

What do you all think? Do you limit the time, stick to your guns, or think there is nothing wrong and let them get on with it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/12/2016 16:27

XBox games are real games and if his friends are coming over then they'll be playing them together.

Everything in moderation of course but I wouldn't want to dictate to my kids and their friends what they should be playing, when I'm not the one who has to play it.

missyB1 · 29/12/2016 16:36

My ds is 8 and doesn't own his own console or tablet. He is allowed on our iPad at weekends for limited amounts of time. Thankfully he and his friends are all sporty and like to be outdoors on their bikes or playing football or hockey. If they come indoors they will occasionally ask for the iPad but when I say no they quickly find something else to do.

There was one child who came over and was totally bewildered at how to play without a console! He clearly spends a lot of time on those sort of things and has forgotten how to use his imagination.

MistresssIggi · 29/12/2016 16:41

I've got two that age gaming at the moment. They have been to a playground for an hour and played football, so I think a couple of hours on the play station is ok. Then will have to pull them off it for tea - probably with a movie on.
I do worry that he does less "playing with toys" but I think he's not really that in to toys - he just has a different personality to his sibling.

Sunshine59 · 29/12/2016 16:43

I haven't read all the replies but I don't really limit my DS's time on PS4 or WII, they both are very very active doing lots of sports, so I think for them it's a way to chill out and relax. Obviously if they were on it 24/7 it would be a problem, but I think if they are doing lots of other things as well it's not necessarily a bad thing?

JustWoman · 29/12/2016 16:49

I don't limit dd anyway, but def would if she stayed up late, or skipped homework etc.

She has various consoles and limits herself, very rarely plays during week but if she does she only plays when homework is all done and is very rigid about turning it off at 7pm.

iPads can be for so much more than single player games, they can be an ebook reader, they can be used for programming, they can be used for board games too, and a great amount of homework is online for dd and I lads are used a lot in school so when I see a child on an ipad I don't always assume that it's a video game.

Video games are not always a bad thing, there's some brilliant games that build skills that a great for everyday life, and I've said on a few threads recently, it's a valid hobby.

It's fine that people don't "get" gaming just like I dont get people watching soaps, or train spotting, or knitting, or baking. If a dh is ignoring a family as he's playing in Xbox then it's the dh that's the problem not the console. I think it's similar for a child, so if you have a child who is acting out, it's probably not the gaming that's the cause, it'll be parents who are not not teaching manners, not interacting with the DC. A child losing at a board game will be angry at losing a video game, they've not been taught you can't win everything and/or have everything their own way. I'm assuming the DC play age appropriate games, but again, if they are playing violent sexual themed games, it's not the games fault that adults have chosen to give it to a child, as the game is not intended for under 18s, and parents who buy adult games for their underage DC can't really complain about the content. There's no excuse as even a non gaming parent can look up a game in YouTube or wherever now and see what's what in gaming.

Was talking to dd yesterday about a few threads on here and she said it's funny because she's never heard any other hobby be blamed for someone's behaviour. If someone's out of the home fishing all the time and shirking responsibilities at home, then it's the dh that's criticised, not fishing, if someone gets engrossed in a book or knitting pattern, and doesn't respond to a question or something, then they are not called rude usually, but it's never knitting or reading or criticised. Both at she can be sat reading a physical book at a family party and people will comment on how well she's behaving, amusing herself while the adults talk, but if she's sat reading the very same book on a tablet, then she's being antisocial and it's a shame kids can't put them down for two minutes and take part in conversations etc etc.

I've never read a discussion saying my wife spends too much time knitting on an evening, she never looks up and sometimes she doesn't respond when I ask her if she wants a cuppa, and then everyone discusses the evils of knitting :)

I do think some children have issues with gaming, I do think some kids play way too much, I do think some kids are playing inappropriate content and I do thinks there's a problems with some children not being able to switch off from them, but a lot of the time, it's the parents who haven't set limits, who've bought the inappropriate games and who've not dealt with issues as they've arose. (Not all parents, not all children, but some)

I have a friend who often complains her 11 year old son kicks off when iPad is removed in a night , so she doesn't remove it, and he plays into early hours and watches porn, and she complains that he spends all day on it and has a struggle to get him to do homework. It's not the tablet that's the problem, it's the parenting. She's not dealing with the tantrums and she's not setting limits and not blocking the porn, she blames the tablet, the network provider etc and it's built up from the little things like laughing at him when he threw a controller in a mood when losing at five, from giving more than the agreed time because he wanted "one last go" etc

Shockers · 29/12/2016 16:53

Ime, even the ones who love consoles really enjoy sitting down with a parent to play a board game. DS's friend always asks if we can play games when he comes round (now 16, but they've been friends since 10), but his mum says he spends a lot of time on the Xbox at home.

JustWoman · 29/12/2016 16:55

Meant to say though, occasions when friends are visiting I wouldn't try to get them to play with something I think they should be playing with. If they were playing in the Xbox and they were all happy and having a turn, I'd leave them to it. I'd have hated for my Mum to encourage to play something that she wanted us to play, rather than what we wanted to play.

I do see your point though.

Also, we've had a blast playing a game called Murder Trivia Party, players need a tablet or phone and you all link to the game and it's like a quiz. People who don't want to play the quiz can be in the audience. It's good if your all in the same room but can play with everyone dotted around the world. Lots of fun and is a great way to use gadgets and tech while bringing the family together. And of course I won :)

RedHelenB · 29/12/2016 16:58

YABU - his friends their choice of games as long as they aren't hurting each other surely?

"There was one child who came over and was totally bewildered at how to play without a console! He clearly spends a lot of time on those sort of things and has forgotten how to use his imagination."

Kids dont have ipads at school playtimes so I think this is a slight exaggeration!

Topseyt · 29/12/2016 17:00

I would let them play it.

Perhaps he invited his friends round in order to play together on his games. Mortifying then for him to have mum then jump in with both feet and forbid it. Assuming that the games are age appropriate, then no problem.

missyB1 · 29/12/2016 17:08

I'm interested in all the comments saying how mortifying it must be if a parent says "no" to computer games when their child's friends are over. I will say no to anything I feel warrants the word no whether ds mates approve or not, ds wouldn't be mortified anyway as he knows his friends don't judge him by things like that. Surely all kids know that parents say no sometimes and that's just life?

JustWoman · 29/12/2016 17:24

I don't think it's being told no to the console that's potentially embarrassing, but the getting them to play what OP wants and thinks they should play.

Saying no to playing on the console isn't unreasonable, there's times its not possible, like if you have other guests, or no spare tv, not enough controllers for everyone to play, or because you think your DC has had enough screen time that day already, I'd just say "no, you'll have to choose something else to do" rather than choose something for them to play on their behalf type thing. I'd have probably made dd aware that it won't be going on before her friends arrived, some of her board games take a lot of setting up and she'd want them setting up ready for them coming to not eat into the playing time.

Flicketyflack · 29/12/2016 17:33

I think it is everything in moderation. My son , aged nine, has an Xbox but he also plays with his Lego, Pokemon cards, playmobil as well as swimming and other things!

He does tend to be self limiting but if he were not I would be rationing his time on it. I want him to have a range of interests and I am also slightly disturbed by the characters I see in the gaming shops and I do not want him to be the same.

I am the parent and it is important to expose him to a wide range of experiences. I grew up at a time when there was much discussion about the correlation between video games and violence. I still think it desensitises children to violence even if it is a fantasy world and I think it is important for children to be able to speak to adults and other folk!

There are other children in his class who seem to be addicted to Xbox/PS and I am not happy for this to be my son. It seems as if you are not happy with his use so he is old enough to discuss with him your thoughts about this.

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/12/2016 17:42

Yanbu. I let my dc on the consoles if they have mates over but tbf, they don't have mates in a lot.

limitedperiodonly · 29/12/2016 17:51

I don't blame the boy for getting frustrated with Frustration. I'd grown out of it by the time I was nine because it's a simple game of very limited skill aimed at younger children.

I'm not a gamer but even I know there are games of skill that are also suitable for nine year olds. Maybe your son chose one and was looking forward to playing it with his friends rather than being channelled towards things that you like.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2016 17:51

well I think we need to move with the times, dd has a friend over and they love nothing more than playing games on pc together, I let them, then after a while suggest they may like to do something else....but leave it to them.

dd adores reading does loads of other stuff, its about balance as others have said but its the way it is now.

JustWoman · 29/12/2016 18:08

am the parent and it is important to expose him to a wide range of experiences. I grew up at a time when there was much discussion about the correlation between video games and violence. I still think it desensitises children to violence even if it is a fantasy world and I think it is important for children to be able to adults

the becoming desensitised to violence is a great point and something that I think affects many adults too. Not just via gaming but the media in general, movies and new stories seem more violent than ever, and i think there's a discussion to be had about if the increase in violence in the media is because it's representing society, or of the media causes the increase in violence in society. I might start a thread about it when I have more time.

But, violent video games and games with sexual content are meant for adults, the games have age ratings, and any parent or adult can research a game before buying it and giving to their DC to make sure the content is suitable. I'm amazed at how many parents allow their children to play 18 or 15 cent games without so much as reading any reviews to check the actual content. They usually don't allow the DC access to other age restricted things. I don't mean a 17 year old playing GTA, but the really young children. Kids in DDs class have been playing GTA from reception upwards, it's crazy. So while I agree it's a problem, I don't think it's the video games that's at fault, I think parents need to check just what they are giving their child to play, or what they are playing via downloaded games, games at others houses etc. Discussionsncan be had how to handle situations where an older sibling of a mate is offering them a turn of an inappropriate game etc.

With adults, it's up to them what they play, while anlot of content isn't my cup of tea, I don't want violent games banning etc because to me it would be banning alcohol because some people become addicts, or antisocial when pissed. Or banning 18 movies so that a child can't copy something in it.

I don't think all issues will go away if every parent said no to underage children playing 18 cert games, but I do think a lot needs to pay attention and take a it if responsibility for what they allow their young children to play, or what titles they loan between friends, etc. I've heard a dad blame cod for his 8 year old son trying to strangle his sibling in a scuffle, while ignoring the fact his son should not be playing cod and in buying him it, he's got to take some blame,

I'm going off track so will stfu now :) I'll maybe start a thread about it new year as I find it very interesting and maybe others would too?

Flicketyflack · 29/12/2016 18:51

I think the PEGI ratings are a good point and my son only plays the one relevant to his age. He is in a minority with his friends and it is interesting the justifications that parents make about this. Anecdotally he went to a gaming party and had lunch in the lads house afterwards. They had been playing wresting games and what did they play in the house , yep wrestling! I appreciate this is not a scientific evidence of a correlation but it shows it does affect behaviour whether it is just copying.

I understand that we must move with the times but for me this is the crux of the issue with computer games, or it is for me, the effect it MAY have on behaviour. Doing anything to the exclusion of everything else is not good whatever it is IMO.

Lazymazy1 · 29/12/2016 18:53

Valid points.Its not the tablets fault but parenting. It is interesting just
Think there is a desensitisation personally. Look at years ago when a kiss on screen was risqué , and society on the face of it seemed prim and proper. Now very different.

Everything in moderation, is always a good way to go. But they struggle to get as much enjoyment from anything else which is my point. I think it's sad and may affect socialisation and imagination., confidence etc

I don't dictate what to play. I tell them.they can't play on tablet... 🙄 I also steer him away from friends who have been a bad influence ( sure I will get flamed for this too).

I will have a think based on whether I'm Being harsh etc..

OP posts:
GemTheElf · 29/12/2016 19:29

YANBU. Youngest son has a friend who is allowed to play on his XBox as much as he wants, and gets rather panicky when he comes over and we turn it off to do other stuff, always asking "We are going to play again later, aren't we?" I find it really sad :(

ZouBisou · 29/12/2016 19:40

DSS (11) is a bit similar - he used to play 'real life's games with his friends, and the tablet/console was more for when he was on his own. But in the last couple of years I've noticed even with friends around he (and they) always end up playing on screens together.

Similarly, even with Xmas presents to play with, he still just wants the screen. He accepts 'no, not this morning/afternoon' and doesn't argue with it, but obviously finds it hard to entertain himself without it.

Things that work for him/us are:

-Getting out of the house. Bowling / park / attraction / mini golf - preferably something structured. This year instead of 'stuff' for Xmas he asked for 'experiences' like karting etc. Which I think is pretty self aware of him.

  • Board games. He still loves playing board games with us as a family, and we have a wide selection. We often make a night of this, like on a Friday night will do board games and pizza or snacky dinner.
  • Books / comics. He has recently found some book series he likes, and will happily read for an hour or so, but only when you explicitly say he can't be on the computer / tablet.

It's hard to know the right balance, especially considering DP is a gamer and have a tendency to be constantly checking my phone or watching stuff on Netflix on my tablet as background to other stuff I'm doing. Kids today are growing up in a different world to the one we did, there are new rules and equilibriums to be worked out.

limitedperiodonly · 29/12/2016 19:50

Look at years ago when a kiss on screen was risqué , and society on the face of it seemed prim and proper. Now very different.

I think society is still very prim and proper judging by these threads.

Lazymazy1 · 29/12/2016 21:46

I wonder of the children who are allowed to play on xbox etc all the time- are we raising a generation who have few skills in socialising, imagination, inability to entertain themselves etc etc 😕

OP posts:
MistresssIggi · 29/12/2016 22:02

But they socialise on the Xbox, and use lots of imagination in games like mine craft anyway..?

limitedperiodonly · 29/12/2016 22:05

are we raising a generation who have few skills in socialising, imagination, inability to entertain themselves etc etc 😕

Are you familiar with the Daily Mail headline game OP?

It's very simple. They pose a handwringing question in a headline uncannily similar to the one you've just written.

The answer for rational people is always: 'No.'

longdiling · 29/12/2016 22:12

I limit screen time generally but not when his friends are over. The point of friends over is for them to enjoy together and have fun, whether they choose to do that on the PlayStation or with a box of lego is irrelevant. I wouldn't let ds just sit and ignore his friends and play a single player game but play together with his friends on a console or tablet? Sure, why not?! Why would that mean they are unable to socialise or play together in any other way? All his friends are school friends who spend break times together and also do a couple of team sports together. They're bright kids doing well in school and a pleasure to have around. It would feel unnecessarily nit picky to dictate their activities to them.

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