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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my Christmas guests how angry I am that they didn't thank me?

78 replies

howhardisittosaythankyou · 28/12/2016 21:37

My family stayed for three days.

I fed them (think nice food, champagne, nice wine).

I cooked for them and cleaned up after them. I've spent all day today washing bed sheets and towels, washing up etc. I work full time so back to work tomorrow.

While they were here I took them out for a meal (cost £100) and I picked up the bill. They didn't offer me any money and didn't thank me. I wouldn't have accepted any money anyway as it was my treat but would have been nice if they'd offered. Or at least thanked me.

They left today without thanking me for my hospitality, they just said nice to see you, bye etc.

It's not the first time similar has happened.

I'm furious.

Would I be unreasonable to confront them?

OP posts:
Giselaw · 28/12/2016 23:49

I found OP's description very formal, KayTee87 as if she was talking about friends or distant relatives - not her parents and sisters/brothers. I don't wave goodbye and say formal Thank You with a grandiose flourish with my immediate family because it's said in a million little ways throughout the visit. We also don't designate a host to run around us like a servant either.

haveacupoftea · 28/12/2016 23:52

I wouldnt bring it up and cause a massive family row, just dont have them round again.

MistressMaisie · 29/12/2016 06:16

I don't think they were necessarily grateful, it might have been seen as an overpriveleged family member showing off, we need more info on the family

LatteLady · 29/12/2016 07:37

I would ring your mother and ask if they had enjoyed their time with you? And when she asks "why", or says, "of course", you can then say, "It's just that no one said thank you so I really wasn't sure." Cue apologies from your family.

reup · 29/12/2016 08:01

I'm betting they didn't bring anything like wine flowers or chocolates either?

My in laws were like this - I hosted and they never even brought a bottle so I gave up and we eat out now.

user1471545174 · 29/12/2016 08:10

Don't confront them! It rebounds and can set up years of misery.

Never do anything for them again. Think of the fun when they are perhaps expecting something. Who knows, one of them might even have the temerity to ask if you are "doing" X.

Look puzzled. Say, in a gentle tone, "no. You see, no-one said thank you last time so I thought no-one liked it".

Continue to maintain puzzled and slightly hurt demeanour for the rest of your life while keeping your money and efforts for people who are capable of expressing gratitude.

MagicChicken · 29/12/2016 08:11

Yes it's rude and ungrateful. Are you much better off than them? Do they see it as your duty and their entitlement?

Underparmummy · 29/12/2016 08:36

Just never offer to do it again. Ever.

I'd be cross too.

Jux · 29/12/2016 09:19

Like others upthread, my family say "had a wonderful time", "it's been great", and somforth and may not actually say "thank you" directly; it's implied in everything else they do say. If one of my family deliberately said it then I'd probably worry more about what I'd done wrong!

Do they reciprocate at other times?

JerryFerry · 29/12/2016 09:31

Weirdest thread ever. I mean, how can you not say thank you when someone passes you a drink or serves dinner or whatever? Not buying.

user1471545174 · 29/12/2016 09:44

I am quite baffled by the euphemistic thank yous! You don't melt if you actually say thank you.

JinnanTonik · 29/12/2016 09:45

I've spent all day today washing bed sheets and towels

Bless, makes it sound like like you were sweating over a mangle....opening a washing machine door and throwing detergent in does not constitute work

You sound like you do things just for the praise, I would just love to be in the bosom of my family not playing the martyr, hugs and kisses on leaving, laughs and jokes while in residence...if that's not reward enough I don't know what is!

Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 09:47

I wouldn't tell them, wouldn't be hosting anything that full on again for a while though.

snapcrap · 29/12/2016 09:47

It's because there are so many passive aggressive twits on here just have to make out that anyone that expects something as pedestrian and suburban as say 'thank you' is demanding far too much of other people!

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP. It's rude and very disappointing. I do think some people who don't host Christmas or similar big events have no idea of the time and money it takes to make it special.

Sit down today and finish off all the leftover wine and chocolates and watch back to back films. And don't invite them all next year.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/12/2016 09:48

I and my boys are over in the UK for Christmas with my Dad for the first time (well, first time for DS2 anyway).
I bought and cooked everything for Christmas dinner.
First thing Dad said as we sat down for dinner, before he'd even tasted it, was "I think we should thank your mummy for cooking such a lovely dinner, don't you?" and they all did.

Basic! So rude not to.

snapcrap · 29/12/2016 09:48

Sorry that was illiterate - haven't got my glasses on!

MistresssIggi · 29/12/2016 09:56

Strip beds carry to machine put in machine put in washing liquid turn on. Come back open hang up or put in tumble dryer after emptying condenser and cleaning lint thingy. Come back when dry and remove, fold, return to room and wrestle with duvets to return to bed(S).

If this isn't work I'd love to know what to call it. Maybe this is why so many men find it beneath them to be responsible for laundry - it's just not work enough for them!

Astro55 · 29/12/2016 10:19

I have a friend coming over to stay - I have shopped planned menu sorted and paid for entertainment moved the kids beds round washed sheets and cleaned the house -

One guest - two nights -

Yes it's hard work!!! I expect a thank you!!!

CalmItKermitt · 29/12/2016 10:48

God yes - looking after visitors, cooking, cleaning, paying for a meal and sorting out the laundry after they've left is just something you should do! Heaven forbid you should expect thanks! That's just being a martyr!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Seriously. Back in the real world... of course they should have thanked you, profusely and often. Don't do it again.

Original poster
howhardisittosaythankyou · 29/12/2016 11:38

Yes it is hard work:

I have to get the rooms ready for guests. We don't have a massive house with lots of spare rooms so I have to convert my office into a guest bedroom which involves shifting lots of work stuff to make room for a camp bed and putting the bed up.

When the guests are here there's the extra cooking, washing up and cleaning.

When they've gone stripping down two beds, putting the sheets through the wash (no dryer so have sheets draped all over the house) then packing up the camp bed and turning my office back into my office.

Plus the extra shopping and expense. They are fussy eaters food snobs so when they come round I tend to shop M&S whereas normally I might go to Tesco.

OP posts:
Original poster
howhardisittosaythankyou · 29/12/2016 11:42

Yes they did bring a batch of home made mince pies and they gave me nice Christmas gifts (which I thanked them for) .

My parents have of course hosted Xmas in the past and taken me out for meals and paid and I have always thanked them for doing so .

My siblings have never hosted Xmas or taken me out for dinner and paid.

OP posts:
TrillKitten · 30/12/2016 02:32

Sounds like you've made your mind up, and you're not really listening to some of the pretty great ideas in this thread. I'm genuinely not sure what you want from us OP? ... Confused

avamiah · 30/12/2016 02:42

If they have upset you this much for you to post a thread on here then I would tell them how you feel.
I wouldn't have them over again.

chocolateworshipper · 30/12/2016 10:19

When one of them phones you, don't let them get a word in before you say "oh good - I was wondering when you'd phone me to say thank you for Christmas"

If you do host again - have lists of jobs to do and invite them all to put their name against the jobs they fancy doing. Also ask in advance for what you would like each guest to bring with them as a contribution.

Timeforteaplease · 30/12/2016 11:20

I had 18 for dinner Xmas this year. Which involved 15 people sitting in the front room with drinks, opening gifts, chatting and 3 of us (me DH DD) in the kitchen for pretty much the whole day. They did not wait for me to sit at the table to start dinner and they did not wait for me to hand out gifts.
They did say thank you at the end, but by then I was so peed off I didn't care!