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Original poster

To tell my Christmas guests how angry I am that they didn't thank me?

78 replies

howhardisittosaythankyou · 28/12/2016 21:37

My family stayed for three days.

I fed them (think nice food, champagne, nice wine).

I cooked for them and cleaned up after them. I've spent all day today washing bed sheets and towels, washing up etc. I work full time so back to work tomorrow.

While they were here I took them out for a meal (cost £100) and I picked up the bill. They didn't offer me any money and didn't thank me. I wouldn't have accepted any money anyway as it was my treat but would have been nice if they'd offered. Or at least thanked me.

They left today without thanking me for my hospitality, they just said nice to see you, bye etc.

It's not the first time similar has happened.

I'm furious.

Would I be unreasonable to confront them?

OP posts:
Lemon12345 · 28/12/2016 22:05

If they aren't saying anything more than 'it was nice to see you, bye' then they are being extremely rude.
Whilst out and about do you notice if they say thank you to other people? Such as the waiter or bar tender? Do they say anything about the meal?
I think I'd take a 'that was lovely' as a thank you. I do tend to say 'that was lovely, thank you' but know many people can feel a little uncomfortable like they are gushing or it just doesn't occur to them.

I wouldn't want to mention anything now, I'd feel like I was seeking something from them... if that makes any sense. But next time they do anything to treat you make sure you watch how they react when you thank them (or if you don't it might be more interesting). And if you do decide to do something for them again when they say 'it was nice to see you, bye' just reply with, 'you're welcome, it was lovely wasn't it' and take it as a thank you (it might be the best you will ever get).

FeelingSmurfy · 28/12/2016 22:05

I wouldn't bother

I speak from experience, you won't feel any better and they won't change. They will turn it around so that you are the bad guy in all of this

If it helps you could write a letter to them, don't put any address on it and post it, or burn it or rip it up. Helps some people to get it out on paper. Alternatively you just have to let it go and make a decision on how uou will treat them in future (I will be civil but won't go out of my way to do stuff for them etc)

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/12/2016 22:06

Don't do it again .

Remember this Christmas, your anger, their dismissal of your hospitality and say 'bollocks to that' if the suggestion comes up next year about you hosting.

PacificDogwod · 28/12/2016 22:09

YANBU to feel hurt and angry.

Where you go from here depends IMO on how you want your future relationship with them to develop. You can confront them, and accept that they may become defensive and that an argument ensues with unknown outcome - or they could of course accept your v valid points, apologise and behave much more appreciative the next time (less likely if my experience with families is anything to go by...).
Or you could chalk this up to experience and never ever be such a generous host again. Don't offer to have them again, say 'no, I am not hosting Christmas this year', don't apologise, don't offer an explanation unless they specifically ask. If they do, say something like "It was hard work last year and I felt taken for granted." Leave it at that.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 28/12/2016 22:11

Just don't do it again.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 22:15

YANBU that is so rude. Any chance they'll send a thank you card or gift ?

SingingSeal · 28/12/2016 22:15

Never invite them to stay at your home again.

Never go to a restaurant with them again (unless it is agreed shared bill).

Never go on holiday with them.

Thats my advice. Because:

I had a friend like this. It made me so Angry. If I had decided to keep her as a friend the only way to do this was to "meet up" with her for drinks or (short!) meal. She was just one of those self-centred people who never thinks to make a contribution. Or offers, but never actually follows through. Your family sound the same. It sounds like they will never understand that your entertaining them is worth anything, even gratitude.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 22:15

*clutches

Inkspot · 28/12/2016 22:19

Why on earth did they not pay for the meal?

Don't host them again. Have a relaxing Christmas with whoever you choose to.

itsmine · 28/12/2016 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

galaxygirl45 · 28/12/2016 22:23

That's very rude. Just chalk it up to experience, and don't put yourself in that position again. Go to them next year and make sure you thank them effusively when you leave.

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 22:23

I'm inclined to agree that you should take the high road and just not make the effort again. They sound amazingly ungrateful, if you confront them they'll probably find a way to make it all your fault and you'll just end up more annoyed. Next time someone else can host and certainly don't take them out for expensive meals.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2016 22:24

Well your parents are most at fault for not bringing them all up to be polite, and for not being polite themselves.

But really, why did you do all that? Are you the family benefactor or something? Are you the only one in work, while they all have nothing? Can't see why you didn't get them to pitch in with the meal at least!

Anyhow, YANBU to be pissed off at their lack of gratitude - but YAperhapsBa bitU to have done it all in expectation of thanks, if that's what you did.

Don't bother telling them, just don't do it again.

ScarletForYa · 28/12/2016 22:25

Do you mind me asking, if this has happened before why have you hosted them again.

By doing that you crossed the line from nice into 'mug'.

KayTee87 · 28/12/2016 22:28

Are you this formal with your parents when they've hosted you for the holidays in the past? 

It's hardly formal to thank someone for a meal / staying over. Anytime dh & I go to either of our parents houses for dinner we thank them and say it was lovely etc. It's just good manners surely?

Op I'd be annoyed too but wouldn't confront them as it probably won't end well.

Astro55 · 28/12/2016 22:30

I've had similar and haven't invited again despite 'hints'

Why wouldn't an adult just wash up or help dry (I have a dishwasher but still lots left over) make their beds or walk the dog?

Clean up rubbish or buy a takeout?

Serious bad manners

bellie710 · 28/12/2016 22:33

We have friends for NY staying 4 nights, they always stay and one day we either go out for lunch or dinner as I cook the rest of the time, they always pay. I offer to split it but they always pay, and they are always so grateful and thankful for me cooking etc. If they can't afford to pay to go out they should be very grateful for everything you are doing!

CartwheelGirl · 28/12/2016 22:34

I just wouldn't do it if I were working full-time. It's too much.

Did you enjoy their stay? Apart from the np-thank-you bit?

CartwheelGirl · 28/12/2016 22:34

*no-thank-you bit

AliceInUnderpants · 28/12/2016 22:37

What did they say when you paid the bill at the meal?

228agreenend · 28/12/2016 22:44

Are you resentful for hosting he event, not having offers of payment for the meal, or because you are spending your whole holiday cleaning, cooking etc?

Some people feel awkward in offering help in other people's houses, even relatives houses. They don't want to intrude. I have guests like this.

Did your guests bring wine, chocolates etc when they arrived? If so, that's a way of showing their appreciation as they arrived, rather than leaving.

Maybe they will send a thank-you note, or thank-you flowers.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 28/12/2016 22:47

So... if you handed someone a drink or put their food in front of them... there was no 'thanks'

And no 'thanks for having us!' at the door..?

If so, that's just bizarre. Surely it's just natural to say that!

AddToBasket · 28/12/2016 22:53

Too weird. Who doesn't say thank you automatically?

dollydaydream114 · 28/12/2016 22:58

If they didn't thank you at all in any way whatsoever then yes, this is quite rude of them. I'm not saying I'd expect the same sort of formal thanks from my immediate family that I'd expect from friends, but I'd certainly expect them to at least say 'We've had a really lovely time and the meals you cooked were delicious' or something even if the actual words 'thank you' don't crop up.

My parents and my sister are very appreciative and thankful but my brother never says thank you for anything and never offers to contribute to meals etc. Fond as I am of him, I'm glad I don't have to host him at Christmas for this reason. I'm already pissed off that neither he nor his ex-wife have ever instilled in their kids the need to say thank you for gifts. I give all six of the kids money or presents for every Christmas and birthday and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had any kind of thank you.

TrillKitten · 28/12/2016 23:02

Send them a small note saying it was lovely to see them but you felt a little bit hurt that they didn't thank you for the trouble. Acknowledge it's a small thing, and suggest that you know they were grateful, but say that hearing it said another time would mean a lot to you.

Doesn't have to be a massive drama, just ask for what you need. Engaging in 'tactics' or passagg stunts never helps. Be honest. You're happy to do it, but you'd also like to be appreciated for it!

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