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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

honest opinion needed...mil

60 replies

ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 20:18

So, my mil (who pays no interest in my child) now wants to have him 1 day a week and take him to a group late afternoon.

Im really pleased she is finally showing an interest but i am concerned about the class...

  • Its full of older children and i want him to go to classes with kids the same age for his development (the class is up to school age, my child has just turned 1)
  • its a good 45 mins away and the class doesnt finish until 4....The reason this is an issue for me is because my lo eats tea at 5 and is in bed for 7. Its working well like that but if he is at an active class then straight into a car seat for the best part of an hour he will end up sleeping then not sleeping at night. I dont want his routine buggered up as its not mil that will have to deal with it!
  • mil is not the best driver and is always on hands free. I really dont like the thought of her driving around chatting with my child in her car for the best part of 2 hours (1 each way) in a very busy part of town

My mil and i dont get on. My oh and i arent getting on at the mo so he is likely to think im raising objections for the sake of it...im not.

What do you guys think?

I was going to suggest to her to go for a trial session to gauge the age range ro see if its appropriate, and also see if there is any effect on his sleep (ie, napping in car and being a nightmare that night).

OP posts:
Original poster
ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 21:09

The more i think about it the more it is - im just going to say that he likes the free class so i dont want him to miss out on it. I'll say im happy for him to try the other but im concerned it will impact his bed time as he may fall asleep in the car afterwards and that it seems geared up for older children. If it impacts his sleep then it will have to be given a miss.

Reasonable?

OP posts:
Shylo · 28/12/2016 21:11

No class for a 1 year old is worth a two hour round trip, that's bizarre

Is say no, offer up an alternative and then stick to my guns

Original poster
ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 21:12

Thansks all x

OP posts:
silkflowers · 28/12/2016 21:13

What the actual.....?! Haha, let her do the trial, I guarantee she will be utterly knackered (and so will your DS on the way back) and doubt she will bother again.

I have two DC under three, our playgroup is a 5 min drive away with a 10am start for an hour - and by the time it's finished I'm exhausted! No way would I drive 45 minutes each way to a play group, let alone let my mum do it.

Yes, I would let her do the trial session - she sounds like she hasn't got a clue. If she insists on doing it after that then tell her you want him to go to the morning one locally and can she please take him there instead.

Lemon12345 · 28/12/2016 21:13

At the end of the day if you normally take care of him and are the one dealing with getting him to bed and looking after him when he's over tired the next day then it's up to you. Your OH needs to accept that and move on, as does your MIL.

Have you asked MIL why this group? Maybe she knows people there or they have more grandparents attending than most classes?

If you and your DS are enjoying the local free class then keep going, but if you are going to allow your MIL to take him for the full day that day then you cannot really insist that he attends that class, I think that's too controlling. He might enjoy it, but he's 1. I'm sure he will enjoy lots of things. I tend to think of these groups as more for the parents.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2016 21:14

Why on earth would you say yes when there's two hours of travel? Seems mad. Tell her no. Surely your oh is not unaware of the travel implications?

Mix56 · 28/12/2016 21:15

Too reasonable.
It is late, far trot in the car, he does one free on the same day & it's likely it's not appropriate for a 1 yr old. Just say you want him home for bedtime, & don't want to have his sleeping routine ruined. She can take him to his current activity if she likes or find an earlier & age appropriate one.
if OH get the hump, just say he can sit up all night & stick to it.

ThisThingCalledLife · 28/12/2016 21:16

Hmmmm.....any chance mil knows about you and dh having a rough time?

I'm very suspicious of her sudden interest in your dc.
She doesn't as yet have a relationship with him and this weekly 'childminding' could be her way of setting a precedent........so if things don't work out between you and dh she still has some form of control and involvement in your dc life.
It sounds like she's picked the first play group that she saw, no thought whatsoever to your dc age.
She's also picked a location far away from you, knowing it will have a knock on effect on dc routine.

Why does your dh think it's ok for his mum to treat you like shit and then demand access to your dc?
Doesn't he take his dc with him when he visits mil?

If things have got to the point that NC is your best way of dealing with her then leaving your dc in her unsupervised care is the last thing you should be doing....especially while things are difficult between you and dh.
If there's any disagreements over rules/boundaries/care for ds etc she will go straight to your dh, who right now is showing you that he's prepared to get nasty and use his mum as a way to get to you......or is mil planning on mending bridges with you and respecting you as a person/parent?

Honestly, from what your dh said and mil's sudden turnabout, i wouldn't set this precedent with her.

liviadrusilla · 28/12/2016 21:18

Your very reasonable suggestion of letting her take him to the earlier class seems much better! If she refuses then that's her issue, your DH certainly shouldn't think badly of you for not agreeing to the impractical class.

Chelazla · 28/12/2016 21:25

Thisthingcalledlife has said exactly what I was thinking. If you and oh split when custody is being settled she gas essentially staked claim on a day. Be very careful here!

Original poster
ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 21:28

Thisthing and Chel....hell would freeze over first. Honestly. If me and oh split then he would be weekend dad and she wouldnt exist!

OP posts:
diddl · 28/12/2016 21:30

No, just no.

He already does something that he enjoys that she could take him to.

It's not about her.

mirokarikovo · 28/12/2016 21:31

Any child under 5 or 6 is going to have massive sleep disruption with a routine like that. Groups should be close to home or timed so that the car journeys are timed to coincide with sensible naps. Yanbu and your mil's plans are not a good idea.

Jinxxx · 28/12/2016 21:31

I also couldn't help wondering if she is trying to stake her claim. If DS was tired/asleep in the car, might she then offer to have him overnight? Has DH perhaps discussed your recent difficulties with her and she fears you may split? Regardless, if she does have him and doesn't like the group he currently attends, could she not take him somewhere else on another day?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2016 21:34

Your child your rules. No way would I let someone, who's driving I don't trust take my child miles away. This would be a total refusal for me. She has the option of taking your ds to the earlier sessions.

Original poster
ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 21:36

Im happy for my lo to try diff things but im going to say no to this. Its the time of day and her lack of concentration when driving (and its a lot of driving) more than anything else.

He can still attend the free class in school holidays when the others dont run, so that isnt an issue for me. Im going to say no and suggest alternatives that are on at a more appropriate time (and closer to home!).

OP posts:
Graphista · 28/12/2016 21:38

I'm thinking she has an ulterior motive too

Future custody arrangements

A way to take dc to something you wouldn't approve of that she's NOT telling you about that she needs this amount of time to do so.

Wants to go to that class because of a new friend or man? (Is she single? No mention of fil). Therefore using your child as social lubricant.

From zero to hero is always suspicious.

Graphista · 28/12/2016 21:39

And if (and I suspect she will) she rejects all other suggestions we're right - it's not about what's best for Dc.

Lynnm63 · 28/12/2016 21:40

I too wondered if she was trying to set a precedent taking him to the class, then gradually keeping him overnight so all the activities are away from you. If you did split your dh could say I have childcare arranged mil has been taking x overnight since he's 1 and he loves this club and is settled here.
I might be overreacting but it's feasible.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2016 21:43

If your OH really kicks off then say fine, he can go but OH is 100% responsible for dinner time, bed time and any wakings thereafter every time he goes......

Original poster
ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 21:44

Hmm....all noted.

She isnt stupid so will know things arent good. As i say though, im a strong woman and hell would have to freeze over before anything became a fixture.

OP posts:
Original poster
ffsdoingmybest · 28/12/2016 21:45

Ive made my mind up anyway, that one is a no and i will give her others to choose from that are more appropriate.

OP posts:
FizzySweeties · 28/12/2016 21:47

Not RTWT but I would be surprised at a group for 1-5yo that starts at 4 and finishes at 5. It's very late in the day, a lot of children that age would be tired and winding down by that time not gearing up for a group. Most pre-school groups are in the morning or before school pick-up for that reason.

What kind of group is it? I know you're saying no to that one but out of interest...

hesterton · 28/12/2016 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilQueenie · 28/12/2016 21:53

I would say no. No way would I take my child out of a group they were settled in for a grandparent who up until now has shown no interest. If she wants contact why can't she visit and spend time with him after all you being there won't stop her from interacting with her grandchild.