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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no one should be expecting me to attend this get together?

50 replies

Noofly · 28/12/2016 19:49

I had an emergency gallbladder removal last Friday and went home on Christmas Eve. I was really quite unwell when admitted to hospital but am recovering much more quickly than I thought I would!

On Christmas Day I was really sore and tired and just wanted to stay home but I was persuaded to go through to MILs for Christmas dinner with the promise that I could just be stuffed up with pillows etc on a sofa. So I was carted along to the ILs and got there to find that no one had bothered to mention to us that BIL had a nasty chest infection. Not a bit of a cough here and there- full on coughing and spluttering away, right into his hand which then was touching everything. DH stuck me in a far corner and we stayed for the bare minimum we could get away with for the children and to keep everyone happy. If I'd known BIL had a chest infection, there's no way I would have gone!

Tomorrow is the annual big extended family get together. I'm feeling an awful lot better but I'm still not allowed to drive and I'm still sore and I'm still tired. There seems to be a remarkable amount of surprise by DH's family that I'm not going- like astonishment that I'm not well. The expectation seems to be that they bundle me up again, cart me along and stuff me on a sofa again. My stomach still looks like it's 6 months pregnant and my incisions are where my trousers would sit so I'm still in pjs!

DH is going for a while (then has another event), bringing the DC with him.

Surely no one would expect someone not even a week post surgery to attend a family get together?

OP posts:
lampshady · 28/12/2016 19:51

No! Of course not. You're not well enough to go so you don't.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/12/2016 19:51

It's not up to them, just say you're not well and not going. They probably haven't had any recent experience with operations or this particular procedure and therefore can't put themselves in your shoes. Hope you feel better soon!

Chottie · 28/12/2016 19:52

OP - don't go, stay home and rest and get well. I am amazed that you are 'expected' to attend and also that no-one thought to tell you that BiL had a chest infection (!!!). That is just so selfish and thoughtless......

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 28/12/2016 19:55

My feeling is that if not physically well enough for work then you are not physically well enough for that sort of extended family gathering (especially if you don't want to go Wink ) Hope you are feeling better soon.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 28/12/2016 19:55

i'd tell a white lie and say you had to phone your surgery to get some advice as you were feeling "insert horrible symptoms in here" and the nurse gave you a right telling off and advised bed rest. for the next 72 hours

Patriciathestripper1 · 28/12/2016 19:55

You have had surgery and no way should you be going out. Apart from the risk of infection your body needs time to heal itself.
You should be propped up in bed with the telly on and no distractions from healing.

BobbyNoggle · 28/12/2016 19:56

Omg ! That's ridiculous-they're all bonkers !!
You should be at home gathering your strength; you don't want to set your recovery back Flowers

NormHonal · 28/12/2016 19:56

YANBU.

I missed my grandfather's funeral in the wake of my emergency gallbladder operation. To this day, DAunt still bears a grudge that I couldn't drive a car for a six-hour round trip to be there, 3 days after my operation. I would have moved heaven and earth to be there, but everyone who could have driven me (even if I had been up to it) had exhausted their time off looking after me and DCs before and during my operation.

I went to a dinner party two weeks after my op and had to leave early as I still felt rubbish.

Get well soon.

Original poster
Noofly · 28/12/2016 20:03

Thank you, everyone! I was honestly beginning to think I was being utterly precious.

I don't know if they think it was just a bit of a nuisance. Last Thurs as I was deteriorating in hospital, MIL was sending me text after text looking for an update. I replied to the first saying, "v ill, waiting for ambulance to be transferred, can't text." I then ignored the rest which continued to arrive despite DH constantly updating her (and sticking the saga on FB as well Hmm )

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 28/12/2016 20:09

Don't go. I had mine out a couple of years ago and there's no way I would have considered a family get together! I was throwing up due to the anaesthetic on day 4 so I wouldn't have been a welcome guest!

I hope you feel better soon, just don't over do it

PeachBellini123 · 28/12/2016 20:13

No way are YNBU. I wasn't well enough to visit inlaws a week and a half after I had mine out.

You may already know this but try to do as much gentle walking around (even around the bedroom!) to get your stomach to go down.

Feel better and rest

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/12/2016 20:16

No no 1000000 no !

They are mad and clearly weirdly blessed by never having had abdominal surgery

Don't go and rest and take it super easy

expatinscotland · 28/12/2016 20:22

They are mental! My mum had hers out last July, it was still keyhole though they did find a stone partially blocking her duodenum so it took a while longer. She was sore for a couple of weeks! Stay home!

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 20:27

Poor you. Look after yourself and get well soon (by resting!) Flowers

HicDraconis · 28/12/2016 20:29

You are and you aren't being unreasonable.

I had my gallbladder out (emergency surgery, was admitted the day before extremely unwell) on a Friday and was back at work the following Thursday (still unable to drive, DH drove me in & back), working 10h days and not a sedentary office job (hospital doctor).

Sitting around at a family get together - to some people - is the same as sitting around at home just in different surroundings, so I can understand why your DH family think you should be able to go. They may also have heard stories like mine, above.

However "some people" (and obviously me) - are not you. You are recovering, still easily tired and don't feel up to going, therefore you shouldn't. Rest up in your familiar surroundings where you obviously feel more comfortable, take your recovery at your own pace and it doesn't really matter what your dh family expect or think.

Itmustbemyage · 28/12/2016 20:37

I had my gall bladder out, after months of agony, with key hole surgery, I felt fine went back to work three days later. Then got an infection and was off for another 3 days so longer than I would have been if I given myself longer to heal properly in the first place. So selfish about the chest infection I can only imagine how painful it would be if you had caught the infection and been coughing madly post surgery.

KissingAFool · 28/12/2016 20:40

This has made me feel so much better. I had abdominal surgery 10 days ago, holding Xmas at mine has totally wiped me out (me in charge of ten) and I'm so hurt dh doesn't understand why I need time to rest. The whole time his parents were here I was up and before him when I could have done with later starts, which I think is dreadfully selfish. We had a row this morning about it and ive been upset all day.

PeachBellini123 · 28/12/2016 20:44

Kissing. He needs to realise you need to rest. I think people hear stories of key hole surgery (which I'm assuming your's was) and that we should all be back on our feet within a couple of days.

It's surgery, your body needs to recover. Eve getting over the effects of an anathestic can be bad enough.

nanny3 · 28/12/2016 20:45

I was off work for 8 weeks after getting my gallbladder out tell them to get lost look after yourself xxxx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2016 20:50

Far from precious!

I had my appendix out in October, there's no way I'd have been happy to be put in the situation you were; and equally my incisions are right on my waistband and knicker-elastic areas so I too spent the first week, pretty much, in loose-waisted pjs!

You stay at home and be comfortable and ignore the selfish arses. WineCake

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/12/2016 20:50

Yeah I was off
For 8 week after abdominal surgery

Kissing I would and could weep for you - reallyWTF is
Your husband ON ? Please - just stop get into bed and Fucks sake rest !

AlabasterSnowball · 28/12/2016 20:50

Noofly, you feel how you feel. Nobody else can judge that. If you still feel ill stay home, you'll only make yourself feel worse by going out.
It's an annual celebration not an obligation or neccessity. Although I can understand how some people can feel quite precious if it was my party I would not expect you to attend.
I hope you are feeling better soon Flowers

Original poster
Noofly · 28/12/2016 20:55

HicDraconis I do take your point and if it were something I absolutely had to do then, yes, physically I could go. It's more that it won't be enjoyable for me in the slightest and I don't think my presence/non presence will make the slightest bit of difference to anyone (which is why I find it so mindboggling that anyone even -cares that I'm not there!), so why the heck is there any sort of expectation?

Christmas Day was miserable. I couldn't move without pain and was worried about catching BILs chest infection. If I hadn't been so groggy and had been more with it I would have flat out refused!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/12/2016 21:00

Kissing, I could cry for you. Post surgery, 4 GAs within 2 weeks and I was not fit company for myself, let alone others. Curl up in bed with supplies, your DH has been a dick.

OP, Yanbu, also get to bed. Fab if the DH wants to go with the dc, take advantage and get some rest. Plus, delete your mil from your FB. She's clearly a drama queen posting all about it. This would make me very cross.

Kreeshsheesh · 28/12/2016 21:00

Don't feel obliged or remotely guilty. They'll survive the gathering without you. I returned to work a week after my gb removal (keyhole) and ended up really injuring my back, getting gastritis (due to taking brufen) and needing even more time off because I'd returned too soon. Just take it easy - everyone should be supporting you in that. I don't understand why people would even question your decision not to attend. Get well soon, op! Flowers

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