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Original poster

Adopting kids

78 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 28/12/2016 11:08

Read an article today that's got me thinking about the issues of adoption such as children's behavioural issues, little support offered to parents etc. What are people's experiences of adoption? Asking out of curiosity mostly and to see if the article's negative premise that parents aren't given much help is true.

OP posts:
FilledSoda · 29/12/2016 11:26

Anyone who thinks adopted children aren't damaged need to read The Primal Wound

Shockers · 29/12/2016 11:35

I've read that book and agree with you to a certain extent. I do think that the phrase, 'all adopted children are damaged' is inflammatory though.

There is deep trauma which may, or may not surface, depending on age and circumstances of the adoptee, but 'damaged'... aren't we all to a certain degree?

I know my son struggles with the fact that he's adopted, in the sense that he wishes he'd been born to us, but because he came to us on day 1, he has no attachment issues. DD however...

MatildaTheCat · 29/12/2016 11:50

Adopting young babies is what the vast majority of adopters want to do but does hold more risk in that many issues won't be apparent until later so any problems discussed above could arise without having been prepared. Even developmental delay is usually not apparent or picked up on by professionals until many months old. The foster carers might have concerns but the bars are set low and many babies will be marked as reaching milestones within normal limits.

So risks with new babies although the traumas will be different. Also, in the UK, for a baby to be placed for adoption from birth, the circumstances will be pretty dire so more risk.

I'm not trying to be anti adoption or negative about what is an amazing thing to do but too many people are unaware of the major problems faced by adoptive parents and the lack of specialist support when needed.

Shockers · 29/12/2016 11:58

I agree with all of that. I think my own discomfort was around the word, "damaged".

Fortunately for us, DS is a confident, clever, funny and healthy 16 year old.

DD came laden with issues which have been challenging over the years.

Adoption is a mixed bag for both children (they haven't chosen this) and parents. There should be so much more in the way of education and therapeutic support.

BillSykesDog · 29/12/2016 12:06

The Primal Wound isn't a very serious or well evidenced book. It's hippyesque self help rather than any sort of proper research.

Paddington68 · 29/12/2016 12:20

Please don't read the Daily Mail

ihatethecold · 29/12/2016 15:00

I'm adopted. I'm not damaged!!

Vapours · 29/12/2016 15:03

Matilda , "for a baby to be placed for adoption from birth, the circumstances will be pretty dire". Not necessarily. A MN Family Court barrister has recently stated "we are now very firmly in the "child rescue narrative" and the focus is on removal rather than support". So doesn't this mean that some adopters could be given babies who have only been removed due to no support?

BillSykesDog · 29/12/2016 15:14

vapours, they're not necessarily mutually exclusive. It can just mean that they're not offering support to people in dire circumstances but simply recognising that offering 'support' in the worst cases often just prolongs children's suffering and increases the damage done to them rather than doing anything positive. It's not necessarily a bad thing support not being an option sometimes.

user1471538348 · 29/12/2016 15:38

Just asked my DD if she feels 'damaged'- she laughed her (new Xmas) socks off. Luckily she's got a good sense of humour...she says she feels she might have been damaged if she hadn't been adopted (and I have NEVER fed her that line btw so I'm interested)

Adopted kids will no doubt be challenging - as most kids, adopted or not, are - and they may have to face more challenges than some. And their parents may also be challenged - in many cases it is a huge HUGE task.

But if we are going to talk in sweeping (DM) statements, could I put a plea in for Lemn Sissays view that fostered and adopted kids are superheroes?

I absolutely love Lemn Sissay - I don't always agree 100% with everything he says but he always makes me think. I'm not clever enough to put a link but please Google him!

Some might - I think they did - say that my DD was 'damaged' by her early neglect (she's British but think of the appalling conditions of the Eastern European orphanages and the subsequent extreme rocking/twirling self stimulatory behaviours that arose as a result) but I think that insults her. She's channelled her hyperactivity into her sport and has represented GB in her chosen field. And she remains resolutely optimistic in all areas..

No damaged goods in these parts!

Shockers · 29/12/2016 15:43

I'm glad Ihatethecold. My son would say the same, which is why I disagree with the word.

However, I think that this is about those children who are traumatised before adoption and parents aren't given enough support to effectively help them.

ihatethecold · 29/12/2016 15:50

I agree Shockers but people shouldn't make sweeping statements.
Yes, some will be damaged but there will be many that will thrive and become fully functioning people.

Quimby · 29/12/2016 16:23

"However, I think that this is about those children who are traumatised before adoption and parents aren't given enough support to effectively help them."

And that's a good topic for discussion and area that needs much more study and support.

All adopted children are damaged is the same bullshit as "all adopted children will want to find their bio parents"
It's a nonsense.
There are certainly areas surrounding adoption which are definitely going to give rise to the possibility of damage/trauma/issues but that is a world away from all children who are adopted being inherently damaged by it.
I know I'm not, I don't believe my sister is although she did show an interest in her biological family that I never did and from what I can tell (although I accept we never know what is truly going on in others lives) none of my friends who were adopted are any more damaged than those raised by biological parents. And even if they were that wouldn't necessarily be tied to being adopted.

Quimby · 29/12/2016 16:25

But in all the cases I know of it's been young adoptions (6 week Mark) in to permanent family's without anything to suggest the biological parents were involved in abusive practices.
I fully accept the further away you move from that scenario, the greater the risk for there to be negative affects on the child.

DalekBred · 29/12/2016 17:10

I read that article and totally agree with it. speak from exactly the same experience.

DalekBred · 29/12/2016 17:14

not saying ALL adopted children are traumatised and have medical issues, just agree from a personal experience I have.

KittyVonCatsington · 29/12/2016 18:29

The only 'issue' I have being adopted is people assuming I am traumatised (was adopted at 18 months old)

Gets on my bloody nerves.

And I have read The Primal Wound as well. Adopted children (as are all children) are not a one size fits all.

The only thing I agree with that article is that the adoption landscape has changed since I was adopted in the 80s

RosieRuby · 29/12/2016 22:48

I read that article and it annoyed me. It's fair to say most adopted children have been through trauma but with the right care and emotional support most of them will overcome many of their issues . The scenario described in The Mail could also apply to lots of non adopted children but the headline would read differently 'Mother struggles with out of control child' and her parenting skills would be brought into question. It's sensationalism and not a true reflection of adoption over birth children, it's parenting a troubled child and they don't have to be adopted to fall in that category.

StiginaGrump · 29/12/2016 22:52

No simplistic and deliberatively inflammatory article can do any justice to the topic of adoption. It's true of the Primal Wound too - complexity is profoundly unsexy and not at all clickbaitey

Vapours · 30/12/2016 09:05

Going back to the Barrister admitting that "the focus is on removal rather than support". When did this change come about, does anyone know? As a nation we are paying for this "service", but were we informed?

Vapours · 30/12/2016 09:11

And is this change in the service going to deter would- be adopters?

Shockers · 30/12/2016 09:28

I know removal definitely saved our son from trauma, but I still feel desperately sad for bm, who gave birth under police guard.

Vapours · 30/12/2016 10:57

Gave birth under police guard?! And sheeple still think nothing is going on in this country? That it's all down to the conspiracists. FFS, when are people going to wake up!

Vapours · 30/12/2016 11:02

Shockers, thankyou for that empathy for the BM, something being rapidly lost in this country. Empathy and understanding, your son is a lucky boySmile wish you and him wellFlowers

Shockers · 30/12/2016 11:12

Thank you Vapours.

The police guard was to protect the midwifery team from bf, who had threatened them and then vanished.

Their first child was already in care after a catalogue of accidents and neglect. She is now our DD.

They had truly awful starts in their own lives, but refused support at every stage. It was very sad.