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Original poster

Adopting kids

78 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 28/12/2016 11:08

Read an article today that's got me thinking about the issues of adoption such as children's behavioural issues, little support offered to parents etc. What are people's experiences of adoption? Asking out of curiosity mostly and to see if the article's negative premise that parents aren't given much help is true.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2016 15:40

All adopted children are traumatised. All, even the very rare relinquished babies. And they are a bit like hens teeth.

Almost all adopted children have other difficulties which are a mixture of genetics and environment. Autism, learning and behavioural difficulties, attachment disorders, exposure in utero to drugs and alcohol.

Adoption is a long path. For ever. Support is patchy and very variable in its quality. Adoptive parents are often criticised for behaviours as if they created them so they fear asking for help.

It can be the most amazing and rewarding experience ever and adoptive families can be the strongest and happiest after all the extreme efforts that go into the process. But not easy and very misunderstood.

lovelearning · 28/12/2016 15:51

Adoption is a long path. For ever.

MatildaTheCat, oracle.

slkk · 28/12/2016 16:26

Sadly our experience of post adoption support services is awful. We've had to fight for everything, been lied to and everything takes a long time. The money is there in the adoption support fund but unfortunately you need to go through your social worker. As funding for social services is so low, after the adoption order you stop being a priority and help is hard to come by. Our amazing son is not a monster but his trauma has made life so hard for him. Family life is far from normal. We have, however had amazing support from his school and our local SEN services. Adoption is rarely a simple journey, it is full of loss and pain for everyone, but we love him so much we'll do anything to help him heal and start to live a happy life.

RebelandaStunner · 28/12/2016 16:37

Post adoption support has been very good, lots of help with teenage years especially. Support from schools practically non existent. No understanding of the issues surrounding adopted children. Ended up partially home schooling.
This is just the experience of a close family member. They went through an agency.

Summerwood1 · 28/12/2016 16:45

We had a dreadful time with our adopted child. All fine whilst young but when teenage years came so did lots of problems. Anger,being attacked by child etc don't want to go into to much detail on here. The support from Social services was non existent. We were crying out for help and support and they didn't give a f...
I always believed that nurture would overcome nature but we found that in our case that nature was the strong force. You just can't change the genetic makeup.

WhooooAmI24601 · 28/12/2016 16:45

Close friends of ours adopted siblings 3 years ago. Incredible family, incredible DCs, they're amazing together. But I don't pretend that it's been an easy ride for them, nor will it ever really be. They're not given much support in terms of the DCs behaviour and I doubt that will change much. Fortunately they have a huge support network and many friends who've been through the process, so they're in a good position.

I was adopted at 10 years old. It was a success, in that I remained with the family and have turned out to be an intelligent, good person and a successful parent. However, it took years and years of effort from my parents, and took it's toll on their marriage. I'm very conscious of the fact that they'd likely still be mired had they not adopted a child.

lovelearning · 28/12/2016 17:58

You just can't change the genetic makeup.

Summerwood1, oracle.

Crispbutty · 28/12/2016 18:02

"All adopted children are traumatised"

I would disagree. I wasn't traumatised, I was six weeks old.

I found that article very disturbing reading though.

Vapours · 28/12/2016 18:06

Lovelearning, what does oracle mean?

whyohwhy000 · 28/12/2016 18:14

I'd never trust anything in the Daily Mail.

pklme · 28/12/2016 18:15

Part of the problem is that young people age out of support while it is still desperately needed. Adopted children do not magically stop needing support at 18.

I've seen a few adopted children struggle desperately in late adolescence, then when they are at their worst and their most vulnerable, and life with their adopting family is untenable, SS can't step up. Cue homelessness or prison.

papayasareyum · 28/12/2016 18:24

my MIL was adopted aged 4. She's been affected by it her whole life. It's awful. She's nearly eighty and the trauma of being given away by her birth mother (despite her adoptive mother being a wonderful woman who she loved with all her heart) has damaged her hugely and she never recovered.

FilledSoda · 28/12/2016 18:25

It's very difficult. SS withhold information and offer no support at all in later years.
I think a lot of adoptive parents are effectively duped and adoptees are let down.

gabsdot · 28/12/2016 18:32

I have 2 adopted children, both foreign adoptions, children were in orphanages before. DS was 8 months at adoption and bears no scars really. DD was 2.5 and has quite a few issues due to her early years.
We're in Ireland and there is support there if you source and pay for it yourself.
We haven't seen a social worker since DD was home 2 years, thank goodness.

I read that article and I know quite a few families whose lives have been completely turned upside down by their adopted child. But I admire those parents enormously as I do any parent of a SN child. It is such a hard life.

Fallonjamie · 28/12/2016 18:33

It is an awful article but working in MH I have heard far too many stories of woefully inadequate support from SS once a family has gone through adoption.

Attachment disorders, neuro developmental disorders and FAS are often not apparent until years after adoption and then there seems to be little support for adoptive parents.

I've seen some cases where love was 'enough'. But many more where it wasn't.

lovelearning · 28/12/2016 18:36

what does oracle mean?

A medium through whom advice or prophecy was sought from the gods in classical antiquity.

BurnTheBlackSuit · 28/12/2016 18:39

I haven't read the article.

However, I just want to say that just by saying those adopting and those adopted need and aren't receiving long term and substantial help and support doesn't mean the adoptive parents don't love their children.

You can love your child, adopted or otherwise, and still require support from agencies. Help doesn't equal a lack of love or some kind of failure.

user1471538348 · 28/12/2016 18:46

I work in children's mental health services and have at times specialised in working with adopted and fostered children AND I have two adopted children.

And I have seen it from many sides and have witnessed and lived many stories. It can be the most difficult thing ever for all parties involved and post adoption support (and pre adoption preparation) leaves much to be desired.

I would say is that the experiences are so varied that it is virtually impossible to define what can or cannot happen.

My two are gorgeous funny fabulous and resilient young people who were adopted 'late' (3 & 6), were classified as 'hard to place', then lived thru the horrendous divorce we had with their alcoholic adoptive father, lost their beloved step father who died very suddenly (and continue to carry me through that experience), have both overcome a level of learning difficulty to achieve and are beautiful and loving and hard work like all teenagers/young people are....

It's been tough - for all of us - and I know I'm boasting about my two (when people tell me how good looking they are I'm happy to admit it's not my genes involved!) but I also want to make sure that any prospective adopters - who should be made fully aware of the challenges they face - aren't put off by the DM and it's ridiculous views.

It's the best thing I ever did (along with finding my amazing partner who was the best dad who wasn't a dad really ever - we all miss him...)

Please use the DM for cat litter!!!!

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2016 20:07

We adopted two and a half years ago and have had superb suppprt.

I know full well this may be unusual. I've read of people (on here) getting very little support of any. But we had lots.

Quimby · 28/12/2016 22:35

"All adopted children are traumatised. All, even the very rare relinquished babies. And they are a bit like hens teeth."

Well that's utter bullshit

Crumbs1 · 28/12/2016 22:48

My niece was adopted at six weeks and is neither traumatised or difficult. She is a successful 23 year old with close relationship to her parents and wider family.

pklme · 29/12/2016 08:22

Perhaps that should be almost all. Babies in the womb can be traumatised by domestic violence, as well as obviously affected by the mother's life style- drugs, alcohol etc.

Mothers who relinquish babies are usually under extreme pressure of some sort, otherwise they would keep them.

In the UK at least. I gather in USA open adoption means more young women are prepared to consider it.

MatildaTheCat · 29/12/2016 08:45

I was, indeed referring to UK adoption. In the UK even relinquished babies almost always go into foster care for a period of time to allow the birth mother to consider her decision. So the baby loses birth mother, then their foster carer within weeks of birth before placement. And that is traumatic. As PP says life in utero is also so important, even extreme stress causes surges of adrenaline which can affect the baby.

No question that some children have an inbuilt resilience and do well despite all of the above. Many have an extremely turbulent adolescence. The point was however that support services for adoptive parents are variable and hard fought. That's not right.

Shockers · 29/12/2016 08:58

We received little support from social services when we were struggling with DD (attachment disorder,foetal alcohol and epilepsy). When I spoke to the SW about how difficult we were finding it, her response was to say we could hand her back and they'd place her back with the (frankly, quite terrible) FCs (another story and not something I say lightly as an ex-foster career myself).

We made it through with the help of many, many books and articles on attachment.

My advice to adopters would be to arm yourself with as much information as possible, and don't take any of the behaviours personally (it will seem personal, but it's not). Be united as a couple and take each day as a new day.

Don't rely on overstretched SWs to solve your issues.

More information and education should be given to adopters, and more therapeutic counselling/play therapy should be offered as a matter of course. If it isn't, seek it out.

Shockers · 29/12/2016 09:03

Crumbs, we adopted a baby who we had cared for from birth as his FCs. He too has no issues. Babies adopted early are the lucky ones. Attachment disorder can be terrifying for both the children and the adults caring for them.

More support and information is needed.