to not know how to help my sister?

[PumpkinPie2016]

I have a sister who is in her mid twenties. She has two young children - one in school and one entitled to the 15 hours free nursery. She has a partner as well.

My sister doesn't work and hasn't since she had her eldest child - prior to this she worked in a shop so childcare would have been far more than she earned and so it wouldn't have been possible for her to go back.

Her partner is a nice enough guy but unfortunately, he doesn't seem very motivated. He does a bit of ad hoc work for a friend but this isn't regular or reliable. A few people including our dad and a another relative have tried to help him find something more reliable by putting in a good word etc. But he never turns up for interviews

So, this brings me to the issue I am concerned about. They are always, and I mean always, desperately short of money for even the basics - food, nappies, gas/electric (they have card meters). As a result my sister is constantly asking various friends and relatives, myself included, for money to cover these things. The money is never returned to whoever it has come from.

I love my sister to bits and over the last few years I have helped as much as possible as have many other relatives and friends. The problem is that it is getting draining I can't contact her without her asking for money and it is the same for other people who are also getting frustrated. People also help in others ways e.g. buying a good shop, buying coats for the children etc.

They get benefits and part of me thinks that as adults they need to organise the budget better but I don't know whether it is genuinely that she can't budget or just doesn't think beyond a few days

They don't have a car and have a council house so can't cut that back any further.

I have my own bills to cover and have to budget accordingly so can't always help.

I don't want to upset her but I think she needs to seek help with budgeting if such a thing exsists?

Does anyone have any suggestions of things I could suggest to help her? Do sure start centres offer help with these things?

If you've read this far thank you!

I knew someone who helped out her best friend by giving them her Child Benefit that she didn't need (obviously this wouldn't happen now). He struggled with getting a job, but now he has found his niche and is happy. They weren't spending it on big tvs or anything stupid.

I agree with going to Sure Start, if one exists in your area. They are fantastic. I live in an area that has a Conservative County Council and they have always said that the local Sure Starts are fantastic and always need funding. Check it out for them. If unsure, then ring Citizen's Advice, they will set you in the right direction.

People use Brighthouse etc in desperation because they need a washing machine or a bed and have no money for one

True, but there are other ways. Freecycle, second hand, waiting. OK a washing machine is fairly essential, especially with a family, but there will be a big element of 'want' not 'need' in a lot of purchases from these places a lot of the time. They are far from exclusively a 'desperation' shop and don't only sell cookers, beds and washing machines.

It's been reported that it can cost 3 times more to buy from Brighthouse than Argos etc because of higher prices, expensive credit and expensive compulsory insurance etc. The shops rely on people not sitting down and working out how much £12.99 a week for 3 years or whatever works out at.

If it was me I would literally live on beans on toast for as long as it took me to save up for a washing machine.

It doesn't sounds like the OPs sister doesn't have any family support - one way to help would be to do the washing at someone else's house rather than the sister buy a washing machine on expensive credit. Practical help that doesn't involve handing over money to go into a black hole of someone unable to manage money.

I think it's an access course, well, it helps get equivalent of 2 A levels so you can then apply to university. My brother did this, then did a degree in 2 years in film studies/directing - it was a 2 year course as the uni/film school offering the degree course were trialling a 2 year degree course as opposed to a 3 year. This was from someone who didn't get GCSEs at school due to severe asthma and then dropped out of college etc.

For the sake of the fact they don't go hungry I'd feed the kids at your place and occasionally make the odd stew/lasagne and bring it round to them so at least they have something.

With my brother to help him out (sporadic work long story), I sometimes buy them chicken and tortilla/fajita kits and the veggies/dips as he and his wife like this, generally no though.

If it was me I would literally live on beans on toast for as long as it took me to save up for a washing machine.

Yes that might be why I'm hearing a bit of a depressed, fatalistic, defeated tone from the sister. She's not doing the energetic "fighting back" thing, trying to keep a budget balanced. She just sounds resigned to asking for handouts.

I might be wrong.

Brighthouse deliberately set up stores in poor areas. They do their research. It's a business, they know exactly their target. It's cynical and unethical.

Depression is very predominant in these areas too. Applicants have to disclose any health problems when applying for jobs. Those applicants often feel worthless and therefore they think that they are not the person to apply for jobs.

You need to cut them off financially, your all enabling this behaviour and then wondering why neither seek jobs.

Bollocks to all this "boost her self esteem" or "they lack confidence", you've got to have a lot of confidence to ask for money, not repay it and then ask for more.

This partner of hers is having a laugh, people arrange interviews and he just doesn't turn up? How much more spoon feeding does he need?.

We have a relative who's been spoon fed their entire life and they still sponge off everyone who'll put up with it. One relative is considering getting a second job because it's leaving them so short. It doesn't occur to the sponger that they might get another job.

Bollocks to all this "boost her self esteem" or "they lack confidence", you've got to have a lot of confidence to ask for money, not repay it and then ask for more.

Well yes that takes a certain attitude but why doesn't she "just" work instead? She's had the same upbringing OP has. Something is holding her back if asking for money is preferable.

"They stopped giving cash as they couldn't fathom where it was going."

gambling? general crap being bought?

I would actually stop giving them anything. they won't get work if they think other people will support them. Also I would question the whole set up if no one knows where the money is going?

I've been in a similar situation with my eldest DD and her DH - she's a SAHM and he works full time in a very low paid job. They have enough money with tax credits etc but they are also very silly with money. I'd lent her £20 as she said they were out of milk/bread etc, and when I emptied the bin the next day, there was a McDonalds bag in it. I was beyond fuming. So the money stopped there and then - I buy the kids yogurts, fruit, nappies and clothes - and always give them a good meal when they're here with me. But I won't lend them money, ever. They are making choices, albeit bad ones, but they are their choices to make. So I do my bit to ease my worries.

Two words : Lazy ar*es.
Why work when you can take from others?

Manumission Thankyou some do and some don't it's a case now days of speaking to someone at the local SS to see what they can help with,usually the one's that have less services can point people in the direction of extra help even if they can't offer it themselves.

I think some of you are being very harsh and judgmental.

Op. Well done for supporting your sister. Its hard to make ends meet on benefits. The problem seems to be her dp. Also she should take advantage of any training or short courses available to get herself in a better position. But it may be she only has the confidence right now for
retail.

Two ideas off top of NY head, pay her cash for cleaning and urining, pay the dp for gardening decorating instead of just giving the money?

Also there is a thread on here right now about basic cook books, maybe buy her a selection of used but good quality budgeting cook books to help build up her pride and confidence in the family home she is trying to achieve.

My head I meant

Ironing!!! Jesus no edit and a crap phone

i can't believe how you've all been facilitating this without ever sitting down and going through their budget with them.

it could be that they are just lazy, neglectful parents, in which case the dc need outside professional help, as no amount of money will make them put their dc needs first.

I'm sure the sister would have her POV. I'm sure she is genuinely struggling, not being lazy.

I speak being on benefits myself and lots of different issues, this year has been terrible for me, but my Darling sister made my Christmas amazing this year and I will never be able to thank her enough. Without her I would have been stressed beyond belief. I know I'm very lucky to have a wonderful generous sister like her, and the help she gave me and the raise in my self esteem as a result of giving a lovely Xmas thanks to her has just made me more determined now to get back up on my feet, so I can help her out too and continue having lovely Christmases.

Maybe the ops sister feels the same?