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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to approach this with flatmate?

72 replies

notfailedyet · 28/12/2016 00:41

when we moved in together four months ago, she explicitly said her dp comes round 3 nights a week - and she would like him to continue doing this in future (for various reasons she cant stay at his. We all agreed and were VERY accommodating about it.

As it is, he sleeps over more like 7 (i.e. most nights), spends most weekends at the house, cooks for them and takes showers here. I like him but he does not contribute to bills (her logic is that he is cooking for them both and she often offers round their cooking to us - thus negating the expense - and secondly that his showers are 2 minutes long...) She does all his washing too. He's getting a very good deal!! He earns about £800 less than me per month but his disposable income is far higher - and I often feel like I'm subsiding him!!

I like him, and them, and have put up with the situation for four months as it wasn'tbothering me too much. But things came to a head when he slept over/stayed round without her being there - showing that he clearly has moved in to all intents and purposes. Not only is this not ok (he doesn't do any chores, pay anything etc) but it wasn't what we originally agreed/was promised! And I don't want to share with a male and have to subsidise him. I do often feel like they treat the (very expensive) houseshare a bit like their own family house, and I am a lodger... Which riles me a bit as I'm paying exactly the same amount of rent...

How can I go about this conversation diplomatically and softly-softly? I really want a resolution and if poss an apology!

OP posts:

hollyisalovelyname · 28/12/2016 11:25

Are there other flat mates

QueenLizIII · 28/12/2016 11:40

Id tell the landLord the hell with it all.

They have a right to know a 3rd person has moved in.

QueenLizIII · 28/12/2016 11:43

From your other threads they are doing nothing and you do.all the cleaning....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2810218-Flatshare-cleaning-rota-aibu

Seriously. Its not working. Tell your flatmates they can move him in officially and take over the lease and you'll look for somewhere else to live.

galaxygirl45 · 28/12/2016 11:44

Reallocate the finances, include him in it and shove it on the fridge door saying this is from 1st January.

QueenLizIII · 28/12/2016 11:48

but then that counts as a sublet which may not be allowed.

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2016 11:50

I don't get why she is taking the mickey to this extent

Because you are letting her.

Trills · 28/12/2016 11:50

What do you want?

Do you want him to stay less?

Or do you want him to stay as much as he has been, but pay some money towards the house?

If you phrase the problem as "we are subsidising" or "he is not paying", then you are saying that it's OK for him to stay over that much as long as he pays - you might not actually think that's OK.

Original poster

notfailedyet · 28/12/2016 14:25

Hello, thanks for the great advice.

My other flatmates are on board with me (there are 2 of them), although 1 doesn't want to upset original flatmate and is beign v calm about it. The other is on the same page as me, and pissed off!!

No, I don't want him to move in and pay more - I want him to go home!!

OP posts:

Original poster

notfailedyet · 28/12/2016 14:26

QueenLiz - PLEASE stop stalking me when I was under a different username. You are bringing up unrelated threads now and it's a bit weird tbh. Stop please

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 14:33

Ok then tell her you were all happy with three nights but she isn't sticking her to the agreement. Could she cut it down to the three night from now on, then you'll all be a lot happier. Say it cheerfully with a smile on your face but mean it. If there is bad feeling because of it then it is her being unreasonable, not you so let it all go over your head. Broken record "we agreed three nights - you are breaking our agreement and we are not happy about it."

Original poster

notfailedyet · 28/12/2016 14:39

Im concerned it will create a bad atmosphere though (I know, I know, you cant have it all) - as it is, we all tend to spend part of the evening together e.g. cooking, watching TV... So I feel like if he's gone, she'll be grumpy and annoyed with us, and it will ruin the house atmosphere...

OP posts:

roodie · 28/12/2016 14:42

You are subsidising her bf and that is not a reasonable expectation so if you go in with the discussion that way, it will be harder for her to wriggle out of it.

Tell her that you're not looking for back dated compensation but going forward you're not subsidising him. Divide rent between the five of you.

ijustwannadance · 28/12/2016 14:43

They are taking the piss out of you all. Just tell her. Why can't she stay at his?

I still think he has stealthily moved in. Very odd he was there when she wasn't.

QueenLizIII · 28/12/2016 14:47

op when you start identical threads under different user names within a couple of days of each other.....why bother? thatis weird in itself. did you expect to get different advice?

you didnt take the same advice you were given under the first thread so just put up with it.

roodie · 28/12/2016 14:51

QueenLizll, I'm reading this issue for the first time. Maybe the OP isn't feeling ready to charge in and confront quite yet and maybe each thread helps her get there a bit more.

You do seem to be ''picking on her'' in my view. It's just not necessary really. Even if you were playground monitor, she's not hurting anybody by having two threads about the same thing.

QueenLizIII · 28/12/2016 14:51

as for ruining the house atmosphere with her....so what. she has ruined the atmosphere for you and you feel pushed out and uncomfortable in your own home.

why should you put up with that?

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 14:52

You need to decide what is the best outcome. If you don't want him there then say so but accept the consequences or will it be better to have him around all the time and be financially compensated?

Which is the worst case scenario, given that she is not going to be happy that she now can't have her cake and eat it?

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2016 14:52

So to be clear, you want to go softly with her and manage the atmospher, but she's given you no such consideration, broke your agreement without asking and has effectively moved him in on the cheap, ensuring you contribute to him being there. Right.

Sit her down and just gently say as much as you like him this is a flat share for two, the agreement was three nights and that it's not ok for him to stay when she's not there. In addition you're upset she never discussed the change of agreement with you. And ask her to agree a way forward.

She's taking the piss, she's moved him in, without discussion and without financial contribution. That's not nice behaviour.

RortyCrankle · 28/12/2016 15:17

You can try softly softly but from what I recall when I was in a similar situation many years ago, she will be pissed off however you approach it, especially as they think they have got away with him moving in without making any financial contribution.

As PP have suggested, start by saying that as she knows, you had all agreed to him staying for a max of 3 nights and obviously that had increased to every night which is not acceptable. Secondly, he has absolutely no right to be in the house when she is not there. End of conversation. See what she says.

Definitely have the other flatmates there to support what you are saying.

Jux · 28/12/2016 15:59

Yes, state your position and then listen to them both explain, complain and argue. Do not engage when they are talking as that will give them an opening to talk you round.

Do not listen, just let them wind down and when they've finished just say what you said before "the agreement was a maximum of 3 nights; there is no agreement for him to be here without you" and that is it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2016 16:02

@WicksEnd I was a both barrels woman myself. This way works better!

GloriousRoob · 28/12/2016 16:24

Softly softly is useless. I had a flatmate from hell. he left a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and then went to manchester for a long weekend. when he got back and i politely told him that that left me with no choice but to clear up after him or look at his mess for 3 days, he told me I was a nag and not his wife. then i did give it to him both barrels. I said precisely, clean up your own fucking mess! but somehow i was the bad guy in the house for causing tension. even though i was the idiot who'd cleared up after him.

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