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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to approach this with flatmate?

72 replies

notfailedyet · 28/12/2016 00:41

when we moved in together four months ago, she explicitly said her dp comes round 3 nights a week - and she would like him to continue doing this in future (for various reasons she cant stay at his. We all agreed and were VERY accommodating about it.

As it is, he sleeps over more like 7 (i.e. most nights), spends most weekends at the house, cooks for them and takes showers here. I like him but he does not contribute to bills (her logic is that he is cooking for them both and she often offers round their cooking to us - thus negating the expense - and secondly that his showers are 2 minutes long...) She does all his washing too. He's getting a very good deal!! He earns about £800 less than me per month but his disposable income is far higher - and I often feel like I'm subsiding him!!

I like him, and them, and have put up with the situation for four months as it wasn'tbothering me too much. But things came to a head when he slept over/stayed round without her being there - showing that he clearly has moved in to all intents and purposes. Not only is this not ok (he doesn't do any chores, pay anything etc) but it wasn't what we originally agreed/was promised! And I don't want to share with a male and have to subsidise him. I do often feel like they treat the (very expensive) houseshare a bit like their own family house, and I am a lodger... Which riles me a bit as I'm paying exactly the same amount of rent...

How can I go about this conversation diplomatically and softly-softly? I really want a resolution and if poss an apology!

OP posts:

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 28/12/2016 06:14

Lived in a large house I. Luton and it was a nightmare, largely due to issues like this, a group of us trained together for a job and then got a house together - 2 males and three females, 2 of the girls were sisters and were/are pretty spoilt. After a couple of weeks one of the sisters decided she wanted to leave and did just that, we were forced to absorb her rent, next thing a guy comes to stay one night, we were close to the place we worked so it suited him to stay - no rent, no paying for bills etc, even after he and the other sister fell out he still stayed on rent free. The other girl then moved over her bf, who was unemployed and just smoked/drank all day while the rest of us worked, there were 4 tenants at this stage paying the bills for six people.....next the other guy decided he wanted to leave- so two girls, two bfs and me. I had enough and just left, they hounded me for months for the @back rent for a six month contract - but didn't like it when I said when sis1 left there were 4 tenants, she didn't have to pay back rent and it wasn't looked for - there are still 4 tenants they can pay the rent. Eventually had to involve a solicitor to make them see sense (he worked it out that they owed me money)

Awful situation to be in, but if it keeps up I would suggest that the bf picks up your tenancy as you move out.

NewIdeasToday · 28/12/2016 06:41

You are going to have to learn to stick up for yourself or people will treat you with disregard like this.

I'd suggest that you sit down with your flat mate only (not the boyfriend) and say that the flat share is for two people. You understand if her life is moving on and she'd like to move in with her boyfriend. So if they want to take on the lease together then you'll look for another place.

If she says that they don't want to do that, then you need to have an honest conversation, explaining that you're unhappy paying half the rent and bills when her boyfriend is there all the time. The property is rented for two people and those people need to be either her and you, or her and the boyfriend. But two people can't be three people.

This will undoubtedly be a difficult conversation - but things are difficult for you already so why not go ahead? As long as you behave like a doormat you'll be treated like one. And that's no way to go through life.

Gallavich · 28/12/2016 06:45

You won't achieve anything by pussyfooting around the issue - you need to be clear and concise.
'Flat mate, your boyfriend is staying 7 days a week, even when you are not here. We like him, but this is not what was agreed and not what we expect from the flat share. Please would you keep to 3 nights a week from now on. Thank you'

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/12/2016 06:50

They're not going to go back to three nights a week. Clearly he has moved in.

I think you have to pitch it from a different angle - i.e. that he's living there rent-free and you're subsidising him.

Just say, 'can we discuss your boyfriend staying over? The agreement was three weeks, but he's here every night. That being the case, we now need to split things three ways. If he doesn't want to split the cost, then we need to go back to the original agreement, because this is too expensive for me, at the moment. I'm subsidising him, and I can't [and really don't want to] afford it'.

Only a total arsehole would insist that you continue to subsidise their partner's rent and utilities.

catwoman0815 · 28/12/2016 06:53

they are messing you around for one reason only: you let them.

you really need to stand your ground and be firm with them.

Is it just the 2 (3) of your or are there more people who share the place?

Naicehamshop · 28/12/2016 06:58

Did you say that there are other people in the flat too? If so, you need to speak to them first and get them on board. Next start by saying (to her - without him there), that you were surprised when he stayed over without her - this is a good way in to the conversation. Then bring up the 3 nights a week agreement.

If she kicks off, tell the landlord. A very similar thing happened to my son in his flat share the other day, and the landlord insisted that the "staying over" girlfriend had to move out. The whole thing will be easier for you if you have the other flat sharers on your side of course

Fartleks · 28/12/2016 07:08

Open the conversation by text and say you'd like to discuss this in the next few days when they have time.. Say that you really don't mind him staying 7 nights but he needs to pay his way. Suggest he pays 1/3 of all household bills and he needs to pay some thing towards the rent too. If both rooms are originally 400 a month, Their one could be 500, while you pay 300. I don't see why he gets a free ride

Liiinoo · 28/12/2016 07:20

As ever MrsTerryPratchett has given very sound advice.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 28/12/2016 08:47

Have you spoken to your other flatmates? If not, why not? You need them on board.

EZA15 · 28/12/2016 08:54

Agree with pp - what are the views of your other flat mates on this?

humblesims · 28/12/2016 09:02

Agree with pp; softly softly is not going to get you far. You have to be firm. They are taking the piss and are almost certainly aware of it. What do the other flat members think (or is it just two of you?). What does it state on your rent agreement? He needs to start paying its a simple as that. If he doesnt then tell the LL or find somewhere else to live.

Mondrian · 28/12/2016 09:14

"Was thinking of going in with fact that I was a bit surprised he stayed over without her there and asking why this was? But from there how can I bring up the 3 nights original rule??"

I wouldn't ask "why" as you will be giving her the opportunity to make excuses. Decided in advance what would be a fair outcome and stick to your guns as you have the moral, ethical & legal high ground so put her on the back foot from the start.

Mix56 · 28/12/2016 09:31

^Hi, As it seems Bob is now living here permanently, including when you were away, & this is not what was originally agreed on, He will have to pay an equal share. to this end £x per month starting on 1st jan
Thanks I am sure you agree this is more than fair. it is unreasonable to expect me/us to pay his share of the bills.^

WipsGlitter · 28/12/2016 09:48

Agree you need to get the other people in the house on board! The reason she is doing this to you is because you are letting her!

Fieldsandgrasses · 28/12/2016 09:57

What do you want though? Do you want him to stay and have cheaper rent and bills for yourself? Or do you want the flat back the way it was? What do the others want? Decide what outcome you want and then tell her how you feel.

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2016 10:01

How many others are there and what do they think?

stargazer2030 · 28/12/2016 10:05

Do you want him there though even if he makes a fair contribution? All the tenants need to agree and also the landlord as you may be breaching your tenancy agreement. If that's all okay agree that everything need to be split by however many people live there (ie they don't count as 1 as they share a room).
If not you need to go back to the 3 nights a week maximum rule and definitely not when she isn't there. Good luck as its not easy.
Be very firm what you want as your friend will try and talk you round. Don't include him in the initial talk either as its nothing to do with him unless he does officially move in.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 10:07

They have thick skin as she already knows that isn't what was agreed and is justifying it to you already by offering you food etc. So a softly softly approach isn't going to penetrate the thick skin.

You need to learn the difference between aggressive and assertive. You don't need to be aggressive; you can say what needs to be said nicely and with a smile. But you do need to say it assertively and she needs to know that you mean what you say.

Any justifications she tries to put forward should be met with,
"yes, but as he is in effect living here, it's only fair that..."

OohhThatsMe · 28/12/2016 10:24

I seem to remember the OP stops posting once people ask what the other flatmates think.

WicksEnd · 28/12/2016 10:48

I love that technique MrsTerryPratchet has suggested and will try and use it in tricky situations myself instead of going in with both barrels

Cmon OP put your big girls pants on and go with MrsTP's approach.

QueenLizIII · 28/12/2016 11:00

I dont agree with taking rent from him as it permits him to be there as long as he pays his way.

He isnt on the lease he has no right to be living there paying or not.

ijustwannadance · 28/12/2016 11:10

Where is he meant to be living? Either he handed notice in when she signed contract or is living with parents. No way would anyone pay rent and bills for a place they were never at.

citychick · 28/12/2016 11:11

Queen Liz.
Agree with you.
If he's not On the lease he has absolutely no right to be there.
It's quite simple.

Orangepear · 28/12/2016 11:19

How did he get in when flatmate was away?

llangennith · 28/12/2016 11:23

Your softly softly approach is why your flat mate has let him move in.

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