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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I've helped someone hurt my DH?

75 replies

Counterclockwise · 27/12/2016 18:28

I've been sent a save the date for a wedding this coming September. I already know I won't be going but am torn between sending a fuck right off polite note declining now or waiting and doing it, per etiquette, by rsvping fuck off some more an 'unable to attend' to the official invitation. That's not the real point of the thread but I would welcome input as to the 'done' thing these days.

My DH and I have had no contact with this family (it is the son's wedding) after a big fall out in October 2014. Incidentally, in the immediate aftermath, an attempt was made to have me take sides against my DH which he doesn't know about. I don't want to go into too much 'outing' detail about the falling out, it was something that had been brewing for a long time, was then exacerbated by an event and escalated over a couple of years until it finally came to a head. Other than a snide text to me (with another dig aimed at my DH) in very early 2015 there's been nothing. Again, I didn't mention the text to him and I didn't reply. Until now we'd moved on. Done. Line drawn under it. We moved out of the area a little over a year ago and I'm assuming a mutual contact or friend gave our current address to them.

My DH, who was very much hurt by what happened with these people - he had been close friends with the couple, almost family, since their schooldays, suggested maybe it's an olive branch or apology. I am sure it's not and said so, if it were they would have included him, if not on the envelope then certainly on the 'to ...' line on the card itself. They know I would never attend without him so the entire point was to underline they'd be friends with me but not him. I believe it was absolutely intended to hurt him.
As an aside: it's also, perhaps, a really really overly-optimistic stab at a gift grab since in the past he then we have been more than generous with gifts to the two dc of the family.

Thing is, I'm kicking myself because I did what the save the date set out to do, I should never have shown it to him in the first place, like the divisive communication to me the day after the bust up and the goady text, it was just meant to stir things up and get me to fire bullets they've made. And I also shouldn't have dismissed his attempt to self-protect when he suggested it might be a potential olive branch; improbable as that was, I should have just agreed shouldn't I? He's hurt, it's brought it all back, he's trying to hide it but I can tell.

OP posts:

Original poster

Counterclockwise · 28/12/2016 02:14

Decided to not get sucked into mind games. I've talked to dh and he thinks the same, just tell them no and let's forget it.

Here's what I've written :

"Dear AssholeSon and Fiancée,

The save the date for your upcoming wedding arrived yesterday. Thank you for the thought but will be unable to attend.

The very best of wishes for your future happiness.

Regards,
Counter"

I really really wanted to use the Oscar Wilde line "I must decline your invitation due to a subsequent engagement" but it would probably go right over their heads. I'll put it in the post tomorrow addressed to the son c/o the family home because there was no return address and I don't know where the engaged couple live.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 28/12/2016 03:09

I would have been soooo tempted to scrub the line about "very best wishes".

ladymariner · 28/12/2016 07:16

Leave out the bit about best wishes.....this lot don't deserve them!

cdtaylornats · 28/12/2016 07:54

I would always send a "save the date" to a wife of a family - she is probably the one who keeps the diary.

NorksAreMessy · 28/12/2016 07:55

Perfect response.
You have channelled Michelle Obama "When they go low, we go high"
Classy, to the point and polite.

WilburIsSomePig · 28/12/2016 08:28

Absolutely the right thing to do Counter. Getting involved in point scoring doesn't resolve anything.

I would always send a "save the date" to a wife of a family - she is probably the one who keeps the diary.. Don't really get this cdtaylornats, I don't keep DH's diary. We have a joint 'family' diary so that we can both see what's in there but I'm not the only one responsible for it.

SmellyChristmasCandles · 28/12/2016 08:41

To paraphrase Phoebe from Friends: I wish we could attend but we just can't be bothered. That should do the job.

Brokenme · 28/12/2016 08:57

Going against the tide here - is there any chance this could be an olive branch? Sometimes things like weddings can bring feuds to ahead? Obviously I don't know these people at all (and we have limited info on the fall out) but maybe they are looking to make amends especially seeing as you have said that there are strong links to this family? Being addressed only to you was maybe a way of them making sure it was read?

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 28/12/2016 08:59

Beautiful response Counter. You have left them in no doubt of your feelings, but haven't been spiteful about it as I would have been tempted to be because I am a cow.

I wish I had you manners and self-control. Two people played a very nasty trick on me a while back (deliberately set me up for pretty much public humiliation), and I can't even bring myself to speak to them.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 28/12/2016 09:05

save the date isn't something you need to respond to.
You don't know what's on their mind at all- you are not mind readers.
It may be indeed be an olive branch- and you said they are/were like family to your husband. Why fuel the fire if they might be trying to put it out.
I think replying is totally unnecessary.

questioningitall · 28/12/2016 09:06

Don't reply. You're not supposed to for a save the date anyway.

Sung · 28/12/2016 09:30

This 'save the date' was hurtful - it was meant to be hurtful.

It may not be the done thing but replying will hopefully mean that the actual invitation never arrives, and the OP never has to think about this again.

If you absolutely know that you cannot/will not attend a wedding then it seems rather pedantic to not let the hosts know after the save the date because it isn't the done thing.

Your reply is perfect IMO OP.

GigotdAgneau · 28/12/2016 09:41

This "Save the Date" thing is quite new to me, being of the older generation as I am. We just sent out invitations when we'd booked the church and sorted where the reception would be, and that was that, we just waited for replies. It occurs to me (based mainly on what I've read here), that they might be twisted enough to have sent you the save the date with no intention of sending you an actual invitation later, just to show you what you'd be missing. So you'd spend months waiting and wondering and feel hurt when the invitation never turned up? Or is that just too unkind?
In any case, I would definitely do a Michelle Obama, answer politely now (even if it's not current etiquette), so that you can bin the card and forget about them completely.

limitedperiodonly · 28/12/2016 09:53

Good response OP.

I've always wanted to do this to someone but nobody has given me the chance:

Peter Cook receives a phone call from David Frost. "Peter, I'm having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they'd love to meet you - big fans. It'd be super if you could make it - Wednesday 12th." "Oh, hang on, I'll just check my diary," Cook replies. "On dear, I find I'm watching television that night.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2016 10:26

I would always send a "save the date" to a wife of a family - she is probably the one who keeps the diary.

Wow, the 1950s are live and kicking!

FlyingElbows · 28/12/2016 10:28

Why on earth are you falling over yourself trying to be nice to people who have been horrible to you? The whole point of no contact is the no contact bit! There is no correct response etiquette to a save the date card because they are meaningless. Throw it in the bin and get on with your life. If a formal invitation arrives throw that in the bin as well. You either want these people or you don't. You can't complain about potential hurt to your husband if you're actively joining in the game. Chuck it and move on.

MargotLovedTom · 28/12/2016 10:42

Exactly FlyingElbows. All this talk about a classy response etc, when actually it just looks like you've rolled over, forgotten everything and are happy to simper a bit about wishing them the very best. Either ignore it or respond with a blunt, 'No, we won't be coming.' Not mind games at all to say what you really feel, instead of faux good wishes.

CrazyCavalierLady · 28/12/2016 10:51

Irrespective of the intention, and only you can have a true understanding of this OP, your decision in these circumstances should always be "what have we lost and do we/will we miss it". There is no point rekindling a relationship if you've not missed it IMO.

I think your response is perfect and can see no point in receiving an unwanted official invitation

AddictedtoLovely · 28/12/2016 10:56

I think you need to be honest about anything that goes on regardless of the pain it causes. Justbininvite, don't have any contact.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 28/12/2016 11:09

I think thats a perfect response - I like the fact that you didn't refer to 'I' or 'we' in the response so no indication to them that the STD had any divisive effect.

mothertruck3r · 28/12/2016 11:13

I'd say you're going so they pay for your meal and then either not show up or text them on the day saying you can't come.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/12/2016 11:14

Don't reply to a save the date, you're not meant to.

This reply you've written tempting though it is to send it will only fuel fire and will close down any chances of an olive branch in the future if there was one (from my view point anyway). I'd just burn or rip it up now, you've got the words out.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/12/2016 11:16

mother tempting though that is to have them shell out for their food etc it just gets petty then and makes OP sound petty.

Rather rise above it than stoop into playing tit for tat games.

limitedperiodonly · 28/12/2016 11:30

Despite what I said about Peter Cook, I'd ignore it and ignore any invitation. But my husband would want to respond, not angrily, but in the way the OP has done. Waiting for a formal invitation would bother him for the next six months and it would be a topic of conversation - he's just like that. If none came, then he'd think he'd missed his chance and then these people would be able to cause even more grief in our lives.

So I think it's a good idea to knock it on the head with a cool response like OP has done.

I understand you kicking yourself over telling him OP. My husband gets hurt by insults of this kind. Once I looked at his face and it was like going back in time to when he was eight. If the person had been in the same room as me they'd have been in serious danger. But no matter how much I love him, I'm not his mummy. You've done it now and I think it's worked out for the best .

Emus · 28/12/2016 16:49

I wouldn't reply to a Save The Date either, that not what it's for.

I'd be tempted to wait to see what happens next. It will likely be addressed to you anyway so see what the invite says and then you can protect your DH (if his name is excluded again) by saying you received nothing, or if he is included, discuss the olive branch.

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