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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've helped someone hurt my DH?

75 replies

Counterclockwise · 27/12/2016 18:28

I've been sent a save the date for a wedding this coming September. I already know I won't be going but am torn between sending a fuck right off polite note declining now or waiting and doing it, per etiquette, by rsvping fuck off some more an 'unable to attend' to the official invitation. That's not the real point of the thread but I would welcome input as to the 'done' thing these days.

My DH and I have had no contact with this family (it is the son's wedding) after a big fall out in October 2014. Incidentally, in the immediate aftermath, an attempt was made to have me take sides against my DH which he doesn't know about. I don't want to go into too much 'outing' detail about the falling out, it was something that had been brewing for a long time, was then exacerbated by an event and escalated over a couple of years until it finally came to a head. Other than a snide text to me (with another dig aimed at my DH) in very early 2015 there's been nothing. Again, I didn't mention the text to him and I didn't reply. Until now we'd moved on. Done. Line drawn under it. We moved out of the area a little over a year ago and I'm assuming a mutual contact or friend gave our current address to them.

My DH, who was very much hurt by what happened with these people - he had been close friends with the couple, almost family, since their schooldays, suggested maybe it's an olive branch or apology. I am sure it's not and said so, if it were they would have included him, if not on the envelope then certainly on the 'to ...' line on the card itself. They know I would never attend without him so the entire point was to underline they'd be friends with me but not him. I believe it was absolutely intended to hurt him.
As an aside: it's also, perhaps, a really really overly-optimistic stab at a gift grab since in the past he then we have been more than generous with gifts to the two dc of the family.

Thing is, I'm kicking myself because I did what the save the date set out to do, I should never have shown it to him in the first place, like the divisive communication to me the day after the bust up and the goady text, it was just meant to stir things up and get me to fire bullets they've made. And I also shouldn't have dismissed his attempt to self-protect when he suggested it might be a potential olive branch; improbable as that was, I should have just agreed shouldn't I? He's hurt, it's brought it all back, he's trying to hide it but I can tell.

OP posts:
leaveittothediva · 27/12/2016 19:48

pinkblink

Exactly what I'd do.

Rainbunny · 27/12/2016 19:51

Don't respond to the Save the date - in general people aren't required to respond to them and to be honest it wouldn't surprise me if an invitation never appeared, another way to screw with you iyswim. If an invitation appears it would be polite to respond to it - keep the high road. Is the son who is getting married part of the falling out? If he wasn't involved at all it might be a genuine warm gesture, just something to think about.

burnoutbabe · 27/12/2016 19:58

I would respond now to the STD, just so its sorted and you are not waiting anxiously for the invite to appear/not and cause further upset.

So just say thanks for thinking of us but we are sorry we can't attend. end of matter really. NO one, but no one can honestly complain that you said WE rather than I at that stage as the STD is not clear who is invited (you are just implying its an invite for 1, but I've had STD addressed to me and the invite was for 2)

Inertia · 27/12/2016 20:02

Don't respond to the STD card. Instead use it as a useful diary guide to book somewhere else to be that weekend. Then , if an actual invite appears you can politely decline due to prior commitments- no need to feed the drama.

Blatherskite · 27/12/2016 20:03

I'd reply with 'Not Known At This Address' scrawled across the envelope. They'll know it's actually your address as it was given to them by a mutual friend but leaves them in no doubt that contact is not wanted without getting into any politics of replying on behalf of someone who wasn't invited.

Serialweightwatcher · 27/12/2016 20:05

I wouldn't bin it, I'd wait until the very last minute, if at all, to say you're not going - as regards your DH being upset, you know for a fact you wouldn't attend without him and the people who have invited you also know this, so they were just poking and prodding again to wind you up - don't let him be hurt by it, realise it's a good thing that these people are no longer in your lives and to heck with them - you've managed for 2 years without them so they're not required

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2016 20:05

I would do what pink and e1y1 suggested.

Mainly because even if it got as far as you not turning up, they would be forced in to some sort of action, either to admit that they don't want DH there, or you don't turn up and it makes the point that you are a couple and back each other up.

Original poster
Counterclockwise · 27/12/2016 20:10

Rainbunny The son is very much part of the falling out, he and his father principally which is why I'm so sure this is just a hurtful dig at my DH.m

Had it been the daughter, there would be an invitation to both of us or no invitation. I'd like to think she would want us there but obviously she wouldn't want to make her own family feel awkward. If we were to discover she was getting married we would certainly want to send her a gift but then doing so might make us look like we were stirring things up so we won't do that either.

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 27/12/2016 20:15

I think id reply with "Are you on mad?, We'd rather have norovirus than spend the day with you."

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 27/12/2016 20:15

Pinkblink

Excellent suggestion.

Clockwise I wouldn't respond at all until you actually get an invitation. We have learned on this forum that "save the date" doesn't necessarily mean you will be invited to the event itself (except to decorate the venue etc).

Then I would respond as Pinkblink suggested (i.e. "we would BOTH love to come") . Decide between you closer to the date whether you want to go or leave them in he lurch. Your husband must be very hurt, but I think that as he will have seen the "save-the-date" arrive for you, you had to tell him what it was - perhaps you were a little harsh dashing his interpretation, but it means he doesn't build his hopes up.

In future, I think I would just bin anything you get from them unless it mentions your DH specifically and seems apologetic.

I am amazed that anyone would think to try to split a couple's loyalties to begin with - as far as I'm concerned, publicly my DH is right even when he's wrong - though I would have a different opinion to him in private if I thought he'd behaved badly.

MrsKoala · 27/12/2016 20:29

Tear it up and post it back.

Someone once upset me very badly and then sent me a letter. It had some mistakes so i corrected them in red pen and posted it back. i still do an internal fist pump when i think of their face opening the letter.

Bogeyface · 27/12/2016 20:34

Return the StD. Scrawl "Unwanted correspondence" on the envelope, into another envelope and send it back to them.

If you are feeling really mean, send it postage due so they have the schlepp to the sorting office and pay the postage plus a fee to pick it up!

Do the same if the invitation turns up. Makes it clear that you wont be going and will not be accepting any further communications from them.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/12/2016 20:44

If you say you're going then don't turn up you know they'll send you a Bill (like the SoftPlay Hell Birthday Party Fiasco......)

Your DH has been hurt again by these people yes, but it wasn't your fault Clockwise they chose to send it.
And yes, send back as "Unsolicited"

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 27/12/2016 20:48

Excellent strategy Koala! I want the opportunity to do that now.

()

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 27/12/2016 20:48

*into, not "not"

Looks like I'll be the one getting my spelling corrected and "must try harder" scrawled across my missive Grin

pseudonymph · 27/12/2016 21:04

counter you could phrase it 'Sorry, but we're away that weekend' which glosses over whether you were both invited or not.

I agree to ignore save the date card and just send a polite one sentence response to the invitation, if it ever arrives.

Ihavenoideawhereitis · 27/12/2016 21:29

As pp said, I'd just send back as not known at this address. That's pretty dismissive without actually having to say anything.
Sending a reply makes it look like you have given it some consideration and want to open a conversation with them, which I gather you don't want to.
Not sending a reply would get them hoping that they have got to you and that you might be looking forward to the invitation which may or may not arrive.

If you agree to go and then don't turn up on purpose that will reflect much worse on you than on them, as much as you might enjoy doing that.

You were right to show the card to do tho.

Candlestickchick · 27/12/2016 21:32

I don't think you did anything wrong in telling him, or that you have helped to hurt him. I think being open and honest about having received it was the best strategy.

Don't reply to the save the date and then just send an anodyne response if an invitation comes. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Don't say you'd both like to go or whatever as it's an open goal for them to get in touch and say "sorry for confusion but invitation only for you", which they'd probably love.

aaahhhBump · 27/12/2016 21:40

Counter how about Not known at this address on the envelope is there a return address?

Bogeyface · 27/12/2016 21:45

The problem with "not known" is that they might think that there was a misdelivery and try again.

Marking it unsolicited or unwanted makes it quite clear without giving them an "in" to get back in touch.

Is the wife involved in this? Could it be that she wants to be friends but is dealling with an asshole husband?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 27/12/2016 21:58

I was also going to say post it back 'return to sender'. Gets your point across without you having to specifically respond.

WilburIsSomePig · 27/12/2016 22:10

I would respond immediately saying that your DH and you are unable to attend. Then I would forget all about it. I wouldn't even think about getting involved in any games with someone who caused my DH so much hurt.

eddielizzard · 27/12/2016 22:26

i think i'd just say can't make it, as tempting as 'return to sender' or 'oh yes please!' is.

Original poster
Counterclockwise · 28/12/2016 00:22

Slaughter You have it dead on about trying to split loyalties. The one tiny satisfaction I got that day was the look of disbelief on that man's face when I followed my husband out the door. He was already frustrated because my dh just walked away and he hadn't finished saying everything he wanted to say and hadn't managed to goad dh into a fight. Me leaving too, despite him telling me I didn't have to go just because dh did, was like a slap in his face.

Bogeyface The wife, to be fair, was pretty upset at the time and did make some attempt to defuse the situation, she's known my dh since they were children, their dads were close friends. I felt bad for her because I know she wasn't totally aware of what had been going on. It was work related and dh tried very hard not to let it spill over into the personal friendship. The son is very much the pfb though so, even though she's not as assholish as her husband, she will never admit her son could be in the wrong therefore my dh must be. I did try and call her that evening but it went to voicemail and she never got back to me, the email and text I got were both from her dh, so I just don't know.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/12/2016 00:55

Sellotape the envelope shut agai and write "opened in error; not known at this address" then shove it back in the post to them. With luck, they'll never find you.