To feel really bad about myself for being a sourpuss ungenerous host (long, dull and trivial)

[Rabbitwoffle]

DH and I and 3 DC are lucky enough to love in a biggish 5 bed house with plenty of living space and to have a bit of disposable income. So we have always hosted Christmas and this year had DB, DF, DMIL, DBIL, pregDSIL and DN (18m) to stay. I invited everyone for Christmas eve and Christmas night and then my DB to stay another night because he lives 5 hours away and has another party up here tomorrow with friends. Despite this, DBIL and SIL arrived on 23rd and only left after lunch today and D MIL is still here!
I am a bit of an introvert and I know my limits but usually I do quite well with Christmas and have a nice time but this year it just feels like I have hit a wall and I have hated every minute of it and been resentful and withdrawn and crap company. I have managed the cups of tea and meals and bought presents for everyone and all that stuff but have just not really had my heart in it. I had been kind of dreading it and it was every bit as bad as I feared, maybe worse.
Oldest DC has major surgery in November which was quite draining although has recovered well, so I knew it was going to be a bit more tricky and asked everyone to bring their own towels, linen etc but even with that I have found the upheaval of having DCS in our room, endless meals, dishwasher loading and unpacking etc just soul destroying and boring and thankless. Family are very sweet and SIL in particular offers to help, but she never actually finishes anything because she is keeping an eye on DN. They are a teeny bit PFB about him, although I am sure I was as bad with DC1, I am just finding it hard to be tolerant and relaxed and laugh it all off. Was not, for example, impressed with toddler weeing on carpet and them both sat there laughing and saying "thank god this wasn't at granny's" while I cleared it up. I have noticed nobody says thank you, or leaves me any pudding, or lets me join in with the game when I come down from putting DC to bed. Just very trivial stuff that normally wouldn't bother me but this year I am just thinking Fuck Off the Lot of You! I want my house back! And not hiding it at all well, which is probably obvious and not very nice for anyone, including me.
Really unimpressed with myself TBH. Either I have been a sad pushover the last few years and just not realised or I have just become more of a cow. Feel like I am really failing to do all the stuff I teach the children (be polite, think of others, share, be genrous, speak up calmly if you are not being treated fairly etc etc"). Uuurgh. Not sure what I am asking really, just having a rant. Sorry for the length.

my guests are like this too! I think they do it because they don't have guests themselves so have no idea how hard it is, plus being in someone else's house and not wanting to 'interfere' with cleaning routine's etc. A chat with dh about how you want it to be next year eg. he does his share of duties so you can join in too. I don't think guests will help as ours never do for whatever reason. Or have a homely christmas without the visitors. You felt like shit because you're emotionally drained and everyone treated you like a scivvy.

My pil often overstay and it makes me murderous.
I can be perfectly lovely until they overstay and then I am offish and ungracious because I feel they are trampling over me to get what they want and suits them.
No matter what lengths we go to to ensure they leave on time they will always trick and bamboozle us into an extra few days

I am astonished at people posting saying 'your poor family' - are we reading the same thread? The one where OP's guests have turned up early and overstayed? The one where their toddler has pissed on the carpet and they've sat back and laughed about it as OP has been the one clearing up the mess?

I suspect your heart isn't in it because you are fed up of being treated like a skivvy. Where is your DH in all of this? He could step up and start helping now by telling his DM that's it's time for her to go.

Introverts need company in small doses and control over how and when they can make their escape to re-charge. I hate having people to stay because, as much as I might like them, I have no control over when they will push off!! You probably took on far too much this year, especially with your family's health problems which emotionally will be all-consuming. People aren't mind-readers though and there's nothing wrong with telling people you feel exhausted which in the circumstances is totally understandable. I'm done in just from the anxiety of the build-up, work get-togethers and school events and as a typical introvert I find hosting a nightmare to endure through gritted teeth so am planning a Christmas with just DH and the kids next year and am determined not to feel guilty about it.

I could have written your post OP, in fact I was going to but you beat me to it.

In my case I only have one DS who is 10 and actually our visitors coming is a blessing in that respect as he plays with his cousin quite happily the entire time.

I lost it somewhat on Christmas Day. I had to ask BIL to carve the turkey as DH just cuts it into chunks and tells people to help themselves. BIL was great and did it, but then what with him doing that there was little room in the kitchen to sort out the rest of the stuff. I know its a DH issue rather than anything else as he just disappeared off every single bloody meal time to sort out equipment for his walk, sorry hiking trip, with his nephew today. I felt unsupported which made me snappy with everyone else, plus I get fed up with being expected to do everything because I have a vagina and am middle aged.
I now feel bad as people have left and I wasn't as nice and relaxed as I could have been. I think next time it's our turn I'm going to tell DH to sort out the Christmas Day meal and he can sod off if he wants any "help" and get it from his grown up nephews, rather than Cinderella here.

Why did you host for so long? After dd's operation, you should have said to dh: right, this year instead of them arriving on the Xth, they can come on the xth and stay till the xth.

I have no idea why you let this happen. So easily avoidable.

Rabbitwoffle,
I was sitting here having a quiet weep after yet another Christmas of having been guilt-tripped and manoeuvered into hosting; I've googled local hypnotherapists in readiness for next year (figuring I'll have hypnosis to get me through or to give me the balls to say "no").
You are not being unreasonable - quite the opposite i.m.o. (your sil and bil sound exactly like certain guests of mine).
I swear I'll not put us through it again.

OP DH and I have had a similar -never again- conversation. We have become the default xmas destination for extended family for the past few years and after a tough year I said I would do lunch for everyone this year but would rather not have overnight guests.

For some reason BIL 1 + his entourage of 3 other adults seem to have translated this as -you don't need to help parsnips or contribute in any way, it's a free hotel- meanwhile mr Parsnips was feeling shit with a xmas cold and would rather have spent the day in bed. Help yourselves to drinks? No we'll let you wait on us thanks. Polite and entertaining conversation? No, just get on and serve the food while we ignore you. Help with washing up? No, we'll go home now you've done it all. Grrr.

Tbf BIL 2 and SIL 2 brought food and drinks, helped out, and were perfect entertaining company, but we are so pissed off with BIL1 that we won't be doing it again.

The thing is, because DH and I work so hard to keep the xmas show on the road, our own DC miss out. After a difficult year that seems especially wrong, and I imagine that is where you are coming from OP?? It's time to put your little family unit first. hope you get some down time now. X

Bibbity's post on the first page was bang out of order. 'Poor family' nothing. They've overstayed their invitation, tested OP like a skivvy and been rude to her. I'd be doing things completely differently next year.

I meant treated OP like a skivvy.

We have some of DHs family living with us at the moment and I've escaped to a different family members house for a few days, and they've taken over my house while I'm not there, and are now guilt tripping me because I'm not at home!!
I wouldn't mind but our house isn't very big, and it feels a little rude to escape to my bedroom when I need 5 minutes!
So I totally sympathise with you OP

They sound selfish and rude.

But did you ask them to help? I find guests need 'permission' sometimes, if they're not familiar with your home or routines. I don't like others loading my dishwasher/scraping plates/putting things away as they do it wrong! If I want help I delegate specific tasks e.g. 'Please could I have a volunteer to peel potatoes/mop floor/make breakfast/nip to the supermarket?' I expect guests to help when they're staying as part of the family, but it's the job of the host to organise them and delegate tasks.

I find it a bit odd that you asked everyone to bring their own linen and towels. It seems unwelcoming. I'd suggest having fewer guests next time, so your DC don't need to sleep in with you and there's less work changing bedlinen and towels. If you're travelling a long way the last thing you want to do is make your own bed on arrival.

I'm surprised your guests didn't make their own drinks and snacks. Did you invite them to?

IceMap - how to blame the host for the guests' lazy and unconsidered behaviour.

Icemap - that's fine asking your guests to help if they are inclined to do that.

I found that asking any of the younger generation male members to do the simplest thing at all, resulted in them disappearing sharpish and my SIL doing the task herself. Fair enough I suppose, as at least someone is doing it, but made me even madder and stuck in my craw greatly.

I've decided that I'm just a bit of an introvert. I maintained my sanity by going for a run and then having a nice bath and then felt invigorated enough to rejoin everyone and feel happy in their company.

I think it's fine to ask guests to bring their own linen and towels in the OPs circumstances and the simple fact of asking should have been enough to alert the guests that this was not a BAU Christmas stayover and a bit of help offered without having to ask for it, would have been gratefully received.

Not blaming the host at all. Didn't mean to sound unsympathetic, just trying to understand why she didn't take control of the situation?
Why clean up the toddler's wee for example? Why not hand the dad a cloth and dettol spray and ask him to do it? Why not delegate jobs so everyone is helping and has a role to play? I've hosted for years and have never had anyone refuse to help when asked directly.

I actually don't even own enough towels, duvets and pillows for six extra guests so it was either buy a whole lot or ask them to bring. Surprised so many people are suggesting that it's rude, I would usually take my own if visiting family, I'll just to save them any stress. Yes, think there is an issue with DH. It was through him that DBIL and DBIL arranged the extra days so I did not have much say over that since it was a faith accomplished.

I do ask for help, and help is not ever outright refused, stuff like peeling or chopping, it's just that the little things that are just obvious to me (put milk away after making tea, sweep up mud brought in by DNS buggy, put shoes and coats out of the way rather than pile on bottom of stairs, empty bathwater and wipe up a bit, do the trip to the big bin with the nappies, tidy up toys moved from room to room every now and then)do not seem "visable" to anyone else but me. It's not really about the work, either, it's just about the not being able to ever properly relax. Ah well, lessons to be learnt I think.

Fait accompli !!!!

Did they all overstay? That would drive me crackers. I've even tried the whole 'we're going out for the day' with guests overstaying to be told they'll just slam the door when they leave! I don't trust anyone but us to ensure the dogs are safe/door is closed properly. I feel for you, OP.

OP just say no. It's not as bad as you think "sorry that doesn't work for us this year". Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot.

I'm lying here in my sisters spare bed... having over stayed by an extra night. There was wine, the house is fun. I'll drive back tomorrow.

At least I'm pretty good at clearing up after meals and unpacking the dishwasher.

I had nothing on this scale but I also feel bad about my Christmas Day as I hosted and hated it. It was all Dh's family and there were 10 adults but absolutely no offers of help in advance, no-one brought a thing with them (not even one bottle of wine).

Obviously you don't rely on people bringing stuff unless pre-arranged so we had plenty of food and drink but it's the principle of it all. Feel so resentful about it. Days of preparations and not to mention the cost of it (time and money) and it's just not for me. Makes me feel awful though, and such a miserable person.

Worst part for me is that DH loves doing this, never gets resentful, and therefore i can't see how we are going to come to a happy arrangement in future.