To feel really bad about myself for being a sourpuss ungenerous host (long, dull and trivial)

[Rabbitwoffle]

DH and I and 3 DC are lucky enough to love in a biggish 5 bed house with plenty of living space and to have a bit of disposable income. So we have always hosted Christmas and this year had DB, DF, DMIL, DBIL, pregDSIL and DN (18m) to stay. I invited everyone for Christmas eve and Christmas night and then my DB to stay another night because he lives 5 hours away and has another party up here tomorrow with friends. Despite this, DBIL and SIL arrived on 23rd and only left after lunch today and D MIL is still here!
I am a bit of an introvert and I know my limits but usually I do quite well with Christmas and have a nice time but this year it just feels like I have hit a wall and I have hated every minute of it and been resentful and withdrawn and crap company. I have managed the cups of tea and meals and bought presents for everyone and all that stuff but have just not really had my heart in it. I had been kind of dreading it and it was every bit as bad as I feared, maybe worse.
Oldest DC has major surgery in November which was quite draining although has recovered well, so I knew it was going to be a bit more tricky and asked everyone to bring their own towels, linen etc but even with that I have found the upheaval of having DCS in our room, endless meals, dishwasher loading and unpacking etc just soul destroying and boring and thankless. Family are very sweet and SIL in particular offers to help, but she never actually finishes anything because she is keeping an eye on DN. They are a teeny bit PFB about him, although I am sure I was as bad with DC1, I am just finding it hard to be tolerant and relaxed and laugh it all off. Was not, for example, impressed with toddler weeing on carpet and them both sat there laughing and saying "thank god this wasn't at granny's" while I cleared it up. I have noticed nobody says thank you, or leaves me any pudding, or lets me join in with the game when I come down from putting DC to bed. Just very trivial stuff that normally wouldn't bother me but this year I am just thinking Fuck Off the Lot of You! I want my house back! And not hiding it at all well, which is probably obvious and not very nice for anyone, including me.
Really unimpressed with myself TBH. Either I have been a sad pushover the last few years and just not realised or I have just become more of a cow. Feel like I am really failing to do all the stuff I teach the children (be polite, think of others, share, be genrous, speak up calmly if you are not being treated fairly etc etc"). Uuurgh. Not sure what I am asking really, just having a rant. Sorry for the length.

They're not treating you like family, they're treating you like a skivvy! Of course you clean up your own children's wee, and as for not leaving you pudding or letting you in to board games, well fuck me that's just a great big screw you isn't it! And you don't overstay, it's basic manners.

Wave them goodbye, kick them out and when they ask about next year, laugh at them.

I think the fact they've overstayed shows they feel welcome at your house. I'm sure you've been a nice host but I agree there's nothing worse than being hosted by somebody who doesn't want you there! So just say no next year. So many people would give their left arm to have a lovely big family to stay for Xmas. You should also count yourself lucky. And it was probably really nice for your child that had the op to have family there.
Also, no matter how stressed I was I don't think I'd ask everybody to bring their own towels and linens.

I know how you feel. I've currently got visitors who are staying longer than they were invited* and it is making me very stabby about all sorts of things than don't really matter.

*they were invited from the 22 to this morning and arrived on the 21st and won't be leaving until this evening.

OP. I know just how you feel.

I have hosted for the last 18 years and this year my heart wasn't in it. No one helps, the endless buying, worrying about getting an online Xmas shopping slot, worrying if everything gets delivered, never ending prepping, constantly being in the kitchen. My mother insisting my uncle stays over even though I said no .

Anyhow, I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to be stood there xmas eve day prepping loads of veg. I asked everyone to bring a cooked veg dish - was far easier.

I then on Christmas morning found my balls of steel and said to my mother that I thought it was about time someone else took on Christmas Day and gave me a rest. She came up with a few excuses like "your brother will panic about it all year long", "it means that you or DH cannot have a drink as you will have to drive", "no one else's house is big enough". I said I didn't care and DH piped up that if no one else would do it then we would go off somewhere nice over Christmas with our teens. My DB is now hosting .

Are you certain that you're not martyr/hosting? Brushing aside offers of help through gritted teeth. The wee on the carpet - of no one offered to do anything g that's pretty poor. If they offered and you said 'NO NO IT'S FINE, I'LL DO IT' then you have to shoulder some responsibility.

Don't feel guilty, you have had a really stressful event with your child's op and that can take a while to process and recover from even when it has all gone well. I find the cooking/dish washer loading etc soul destroying and that is only for four people!

Try and plan something you fancy for today and spend time out of the house.

The 'count yourself lucky' posts make my blood boil!

Also, how come your dh isn't helping with all this?

He needs to tell his mother it's time to go and he needs to get his head out of his arse and start doing some of the work.

Was not, for example, impressed with toddler weeing on carpet and them both sat there laughing and saying "thank god this wasn't at granny's" while I cleared it up. I have noticed nobody says thank you, or leaves me any pudding, or lets me join in with the game when I come down from putting DC to bed. Just very trivial stuff that normally wouldn't bother me

Why on earth wouldn't it bother you? It bloody should.

You are the only one not at fault here - you shouldn't need to stand up for yourself. They're the ones with no social skills, common sense or good manners... hope they've now fucked off and you are watching DH doing the cleaning up.

Don't feel bad at all, catering for 14 people over several days when, by the sound of it, you have had very little help, can make you feel like everyone's skivvy. I don't understand why everyone seems to have felt it was down to you with a little help from SIL to do everything - why couldn't the men do some of the cooking, clearing and washing?

I do think that next year, big house or not, it's time you put your foot down and said you've done more than your fair share and it's someone else's turn to host.

Are you certain that you're not martyr/hosting? Brushing aside offers of help through gritted teeth

Er, no, the help offerer fucked up by not finishing. So OP not a martyr.

If they offered and you said 'NO NO IT'S FINE, I'LL DO IT' then you have to shoulder some responsibility.

But they didn't. So she's not. RTFOP's OP, why don't you?

Jesus, heebie.

Agree that the absolute silence about the OP's OH is bit telling.

Blimey echt, calm down. I have read the thread. I imagine that she may have had to edit some of the Christmas weekend dialogue to get it into a post.

E.g. Toddler weds
'Can I clean up'
'No I'll do it cos I know where the cleaning stuff is'
'OK - if you're sure. I'll sit down. Thanks for being so calm about it - haha imagine if it were at granny's house'
'

I can't believe posters saying you are lucky to be a slave!

OP we have a big family xmas and we split the chores evenly. We actually draw up a rota.

Xmas eve - Mil and fil hosted huge meal (she cooked it at home and bought it with her). Kids set/cleared the table. DH and I washed up

Xmas day - dh, myself, bil2 cooked everything. Kids cleared tables. Mil sil2 and fil washed up and kept house tidy

Boxing Day. - DH and I made brunch before everyone left.

'Count yourself lucky' 'nothing worse than an ungrateful host'?? Fuck me! Have I missed the bit where OP forced family to attend?! Next year you have a lovely quiet immediate family do only!

OP, are you me? Unfortunately for souls like us we need guests who stay no more than 48 hours and not too many of them.

Get rid then put your feet up and take a break. You are perfectly correct that some guests consider going to stay with kind relations a holiday with no thought at all for the hosts.

HELP, you selfish people. Don't wait to be asked. Watch what needs doing and do it. And leave some pudding for the lovely person who made it for you.

Surely your DH should be sticking up for you? "Let's plate up a portion of pudding for when she is down from pitting DC to bed" and "here love, come be on my team for the game".

Sounds like the Fam treat you like he does....

Truly and genuinely astonished about the parents who didn't clear up after their toddler. But as another pp said, did they offer and you said no don't worry?- though even then they should have insisted!
Arriving a day early - did you or dh agree to this or did they just turn up? If the latter, again truly astonishing but i suspect that they probably did ask?

I think that there is something about being guests that makes people behave in ways they wouldn't normally - so not deliberately excluding you from a game or eating all the pudding, but just not thinking about it at all. People can become a bit infantilised i think.
Anyway this all sounds quite annoying and YABER.

Blimey echt, calm down.

Really, don't do this. Soooooo patronising when someone has only disagreed with you.

Your examples only serve to show she was not being martyr, by the way.

Sorry, i meant you are being UNreasonable to feel bad about yourself, but entirely reasonable to be annoyed about the way things have gone!

I havent read the 'does everyone want to live in the us' thread but it does strike me that a one day christmas may be the way to go ! guests who have to stay can arrive late christmas eve and leave on boxing day ( i realise this may not be possible with trains). Particularly when there are so many - different if just one or two. And even more so id a dc has just had an operation.

Oh I couldn't stand that. Two days is pushing it with me. We have a three bedroom house and two older kids of the opposite sex and neither of there bedrooms are big enough for double beds or double air beds so fortunately we don't have over night visitors very often or for very long. I think they are all taking the pee. You probably are so lovely and sound so chilled that they all feel welcome/think you enjoy it and don't give a thought that you might want to relax need some help want some pudding a seat or would like to join in board games.
I remember my MIL stayed at ours pre children but I was eight months pregnant. I had just finished tidying the kitchen had anemia and was on my last legs went to sit down and hoped to put my feet up but MIL was laid full stretch on one sofa and DH and FIL were on the smaller sofa she made no attempt to move. I went upstairs and got into bed in tears etc. So thoughtless.
Anyway take a stand either don't host at all, go away for Christmas if need be just your family or say you are or say it's two days maximum we are eating out here and you lot can stay at ours two nights but you all must pitch in as last year I didn't enjoy Christmas at all as it was such hard work if your staying at ours you can club together and pay for the Christmas meal out as a thank you for accommodation and previous years hosting.

Echt - But they didn't. So she's not. RTFOP's OP, why don't you?

Jesus, heebie.

Seems to me an uncalm reply to a perfectly reasonable question - that btw you have no idea of the answer to.

I'm often a martyrish host - and I get resentful of perfectly nice people - and actually find I feel better when I acknowledge to myself that I played a part in it.

No you're not a bad person but you need to firm up your boundaries. Make it very clear that they are only invited for the nights you have specified and no longer. If they still overstay then don't invite again. If their child messes in your house, immediately show them the cleaning products etc.

Definitely make next year all about you and take your house back. Make sure you announce this early though (Easter, or before if anyone mentions it) so everyone can make alternative arrangements.

Agree with Albert, don't underestimate how long it takes to recover, emotionally, from health problems of your nearest and dearest. My dh had treatment this year, took us months to stop reeling once it was finished.