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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hacked off about saying thank you for Christmas presents?

29 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/12/2016 20:03

First I'd like to say that I always say thank you for Christmas presents as I do find it a bit rude not to.

But I have problems every year with my grandma. Basically you have to say thank you for presents in a timely fashion which differs depending on her mood. I always try to as soon as I have a bit of breathing time in all the madness, but my sister didn't thank her once and all hell broke loose and she was called from a pig to a dog and ignored for well over a year for being ungrateful.

My mum actually made her ring grandma up as soon as she received her gifts to appease my grandma as she takes it out on my mum and dad if it's not done like I say in this timely fashion.

So I learned that my sister had rang before me so I was shitting myself that I would be the one in the firing line. I really was busy yesterday with my toddlers, I didn't get the gifts from grandma (from my mum's) until like 4pm, kids didn't to bed until 9pm and then I was tidying up until well past 10pm and then finally got my presents from dh, I felt this was too late to ring her.

So today I ring her to say thank you. She seems OK thank fully! I listened to her homophobic and racist comments for over an hour whilst trying to juggle the toddlers. I asked her what she got for Christmas and she told me of all her wonderful gifts from other family and not once did I get a thank you for what I bought her Sad. She never rings me to say thank you but why is there hell on if I don't ring her? She's exactly the same at birthdays too and she's been vile in the past about it. All over a thank you.

Seriously aibu?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 26/12/2016 20:07

Why listen to racist and homophobic rants for an hour?
Just call, say thank you and terminate the conversation.

glueandstick · 26/12/2016 20:07

No you're not. She sounds ludicrously hard work.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/12/2016 20:10

I listen to it because I'm polite and if I were to cut the conversation short I'd offend her and that would be that

OP posts:
pklme · 26/12/2016 20:13

So, if that was that, what would you lose? I think I'd talk to my DPs, say you don't have time for her dramatics and hypocrisy, and that you are considering asking her not to buy for you in future. Go low contact and move to no contact if she still kicks off.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2016 20:24

If you're bothered about offending a racist homophobe by listening to that stuff for an hour without even challenging it, the relationship isn't even worth maintaining in my opinion.

Astro55 · 26/12/2016 20:28

Well my Gran would be horrified if the kids didn't ring with a thank you - but would never ring to thank us -

Last we are expected to be fearful while she will say things like 'what did you buy this for? I already have 3 pairs' 'I'm still using the cup you brought me last year' 'did you keep the receipt?' And off she goes .....

Just smile and wave ....

Astro55 · 26/12/2016 20:28

Grateful not fearful .... whoops

Traintrackmad · 26/12/2016 20:32

You have my sympathy. We have had a massive fallout this year, with a family member over this issue. We are already low contact with her, but she has continued to send presents for the dc. She sent a present for ds in august and we saw her a week later while picking up my grandparents from church. She ignored us, but made my sil cry. That meant I didn't give her the thank you card ds had made that was in my bag. Couple of months later, she sent dd a present through the post that I didn't respond to based on her previous rudeness. She sent a message a couple of weeks later, while I was being inspected for part of my job. By the time I saw the message about 6 hours later (I was being inspected but also working throughout the day) there was another message demanding the presents back. She has had them and has been told not to communicate with my children ever again.

Interestingly, shehas never sent a thank you letter for anything I have ever given her, butalways expected a written thank you from the children. I only expect a reasonable level of politeness (i.e., not to be ignored) when I see her.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 20:41

You don't have to put up with her because she is a.family and b. older/old

Topseyt · 26/12/2016 20:55

Why put up with this? You are thanking her for her gifts and that is all you need to do.

Pull her up on her rudeness and double standards. Why does she expect immediate thanks from you while never bothering to thank you for gifts you have given to her? Why is it one rule for her and one for everyone else?

If she kicks off then tell her to stop bothering with gifts in the future, and minimise your contact with someone who sounds like such hard work.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/12/2016 20:58

Why don't you start paring back and from next year just buy a few gifts for your daughter and agree not to bother with anyone else.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/12/2016 21:03

She's like it with all the family, well my dad and our immediate family. My dad and grandma have only just made up after weeks of not talking.

I don't see the point in having it out with her, it'll just cause world war 3 and my parents will suffer. I'll just smile and nod and avoid her at all costs.

Glad to know I'm not being too unreasonable!

OP posts:
Basicbrown · 26/12/2016 21:15

I think you don't give presents to receive thanks. If I had been your dsis I'd have told her not to bother again. She sounds truly awful unless she has a reason such as dementia.

Grilledaubergines · 26/12/2016 21:17

Being your gran doesn't make it any more acceptable to make homophobic and racist comments and for you to listen. You presumably wouldn't listen to them for an hour from anyone else. Being elderly doesn't come with a licence to say what the fuck you like without repurcussions.

Stop fearing her. If none of you took the crap from her and stopped letting her control situations, she wouldn't do it. Or at least if she did, she'd lose her target audience.

Ridiculous of her to expect a thank you on Christmas Day.

AeFondCrisp · 26/12/2016 21:23

My grandmother is the same. She cut my cousin out of her inheritance and went no contact with him because he didn't say thank you for a £100 cheque she sent him. He was 6 years old and his 32 year old mother had recently died. And she's never given me or the other grandchildren any money. Confused

It took a long time for me to come to terms with how she is and the damage she has done to those around her over the years. My advice would be to protect your children from her, explain to them that her behaviour is not acceptable and she is not allowed to make them feel bad even though she is a relative. I wish my parents had done this for me.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/12/2016 21:30

Unless she gives The crown jewels, Golden geese that lay diamonte eggs and guaranteed winning lottery tickets. Are her gifts really worth all this shit.
I'd rather have nothing. TBH

meditrina · 26/12/2016 21:35

This is a set of circumstances where an old-fashioned thank you letter is indicated.

By doing it that way, you save a heck of a lot of time (no way would it take an hour to write even an fairly long one), you don't have to listen to her, and you have acted irreproachable.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/12/2016 21:47

Thanks everyone! She gave my DC twenty pound each (2 DC) and me a bath set thing oh and dh his token lynx set. One year she gave me a reduced battered bath set for my birthday and said oh did you notice it was damaged I said oh yes a little she said I damaged it when wrapping but on the label it said reduced damaged and shed forgotten to take it off.

I wouldn't mind not getting gifts from her at all I just do it for my parents for peace. I wish my parents would have kept me away from her as a child as I was embarrassed by her opinions and outspokenness, but tbf my parents needed to ship us off every weekend so they could go boozing!

Meh, what a load of hassle.

She doesn't have dementia no, she's always been horrible, like her mum who used to spit on her son who used to have learning disabilities eugh

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/12/2016 21:52

Her mum used to spit on her son. Fucking hell. Its small Wonder she's so bloody bitter

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 26/12/2016 22:07

YANBU, it's always polite to say thank you but some people tie themselves in knots about getting on before a certain point and it always has to be a grovelling thanks!

I turned 30 this year and my mum's best friend (who I despise, mum knows this) bought me a cake stand. It was very nice, but TBH it's one of those things that she'd probably like, or my mum, I don't even bake (which would probably send the best friend into an early grave as she's a good old fashioned sexist)! Mum was with her when she got it and said it was very expensive (further probing a few days later resulted in the revelation that it was £9.99). She sent it up with mum as she lives a few hours away.

Literally the second after I opened it mum said "are you going to thank Barbara?" To which I said yes of course. Mum said "can you do it now then, I have her home phone number" Hmm when I said actually I'll carry on opening presents and message her on FB later, mum looked mortified.

DD's birthday is the day after mine so a lot of my actual birthday day is spent planning for the next day. Come the next day, I hadn't had a chance to send a thank you message to anyone, including Barbara, and mum had text me six times to ask if I'd done it yet. I eventually did about 2pm (she was the first person to get a 'thank you' message) that day (day after my birthday) and mum apparently had to apologise on behalf of me to Barbara as she was very cross I took so long to say thank you Hmm

I told my mum to tell her mate that I'd rather not have a gift at all if she's going to make so much fuss about saying thank you.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/12/2016 22:09

Yes she used to spit on my grans brother, only him. There were 13 of them and they all looked after each other but this particular son has LD and used to work long shifts come home and sometimes fall asleep on the sofa so she'd spit on him and call him names. She used to take all his wages from him so he only moved out when his mum died and he never managed to find a wife or had any friends. Very sad. My grandad who died when i was young used to shove my dad's face in his food and chase my gran round for sex when he was drunk. God what a fucked up family. My aunt's and uncles are all awful too from that side and my dad has been but has calmed a lot now.

OP posts:
Nameforsaken · 26/12/2016 22:14

I'd tell her not to buy
You anything next year. Then you'll have nothing to thank her for!

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/12/2016 22:15

Oh and I'd love to write pre planned thank you notes but I don't think that would fly. It would be too generic and she only seems receptive to phone calls.

OP posts:
Giselaw · 26/12/2016 22:22

Who gives a shite? So what if she's offended? So what if she takes it out on your adult parents who failed to shield you from her in the first place?

Fuck her. And I don't write that lightly. It's just horrifying what you wrote.

coconutpie · 26/12/2016 22:26

Fucking hell, just cut the bitch out of your life. If your parents choose to put up with her shit if there is fallout from you going NC, then that is THEIR issue, not yours. Just because she is family, doesn't mean you have to put up with her. She's a racist, homophobic, narcissist cow.

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