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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Family member gossiped about me

40 replies

Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 18:48

Disclaimers:
I live in a different country with different culture and English is 2nd language.

I've had a number of problems in the past few years and as a result was effectively homeless and asked sister (lets call her sister1) to live with her for 10 weeks while sorting myself financially and I've sinced left for my rental.

I just learned from sister2 that sister1 told her that while I lived with her and her child and partner:

  1. That the partner was mostly annoyed with me and was always sleeping because he was annoyed with me and that I crowded them
  2. That partner even questioned the type of aunt I am because I got home that day at 7.40pm and nephew was alone with another visiting nephew with no dinner cooked. On seeing this, I called sister1 to ask her what's the plan for dinner, I sensed she was a bit put off by my call and said she is on her way with ready meal. She eventually got home and we had dinner and I thought all was well, even with her partner.

Today, sister2 told about these incidents and I am hurt and disappointed that my sister would allow her partner to say such a thing about me as I take great pride in being an aunt and that I am a good aunt who goes out of her way for my siblings, their children, our parents and extended family and I don't mind. They would do so for me.

On that specific day I called my sister, I'd had a long day at my new job which was 33km away and took an hour's each driving to and from in heavy traffic with high accident rate from her house. I called her because I was exhausted and did not feel like cooking and thought I'd tell her to make plans for her son as under normal circumstances I would have cooked. She apparently was unhappy(I am not surprised as I sensed it and she normally hates being called when out in a night out about her children. I also have a feeling she feels inadequate as a parent and thinks that I think she is a poor parent(not financially, I just don't have a word for it)).

I am hurt because I think my sister's partner has no business judging me and more so it is unkind of him to say that as he knows that culturally it is encouraged and seen as virtuous to extend a helping hand to family. (The kind of culture with a saying "It takes a village to raise a child"). Now, I love my nephews with or without our cultural expectations, I would protect them from harm.

  1. Am I unreasonable to feel hurt?
  2. To think that family should not gossip about family to partners as it can ruin relationships with partners? I can never see this partner the same again?
  3. I don't even know what to say to sister tomorrow when she brings her youngest son over for a week for babysittng as she going overseas to visit said partner. I feel like going back on my word and telling her I am not available with a sudden summer plans with friends.
OP posts:
Newbrummie · 26/12/2016 18:52

Don't be the sister that lands her in it, mine did that nearly ruined my wedding, things have never been the same between us since. You are understandably upset though and I'd tell her so.

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/12/2016 18:55

How old is the nephew?

I'm a bit unclear....so you called your sister when she was on a night out to tell her you couldn't cook her sons dinner and she needed to sort him out some food?

RB68 · 26/12/2016 18:58

or you could say that after a long day at work with a horrible commute she got home to unfed children phoned the Mother to find out what was happening and discovered she was out on the town and expected you to suck up on the sorting not your kids but nephews out

GailLondon · 26/12/2016 19:01

You are looking after the nephew for a whole week while your sister goes away? You sound like a very generous aunt to do that!

Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 19:02

The nephew who was alone at home is 13 and the one I agreed to look after from tomorrow is 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 19:05

Gail that's what hurts me, that I am that kind of aunt, have done this for her ober the years and she allows her partner to say this about me. He doesn't know me that well as they met about 2 years ago. It just stings

OP posts:
Frusso · 26/12/2016 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/12/2016 19:07

Hence why I'm asking, as it's unclear Hmm. Op herself said she normally cooks. A case of rolling in when mum is off taking the piss assuming you'll take care of the nephew is totally different to rolling in and going back on a pre-arranged offer to cook dinner for nephew. Also if he's 8 it's different to if he's 16.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/12/2016 19:07

Yes,this . No good was ever going to come of telling tales to you.

Missy17 · 26/12/2016 19:11

It's not up to your sister to control what her partner says. It's HIS home too that you were staying in and they are HIS children too so he has the right to an opinion.
Your sister was maybe in the wrong to discuss it with your other sister but maybe she felt caught in the middle and wanted another opinion on it?
Don't be a cow to your sister now, it will only cause problems and rifts more serious.

Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 19:16

Missy they are not his children
At least cows are not gossips

OP posts:
Frusso · 26/12/2016 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 19:33

Sister1 expects people to look after her children and they are quite handful and she takes offence when told this or asked to intervene when they are getting out of hand

  1. I doubt sister1 would do the same for me, whereas sister2 would look after mine if I have them one day
  1. If she had gossiped about this to sister2 I wouldn't mind. I mind the partner butting in where its none of his business.
OP posts:
Scooby20 · 26/12/2016 19:34

I think sister 2 is the problem. Sister 1 Co fused in her sister about some problems with you staying. Sister 2 should have kept that confidence. If yiu can't confidence in your sister, which can you confide in.

Fwiw I can see why she was annoyed with the dinner situation. You are an adult staying with her and called her to find out what you were doing for dinner while she was out. It wouldn't have killed you to have made something quick for you and your nephew. Especially since she was letting you stay for 10 weeks.

On the whole you sound like a good aunt and this was probably just a one off, but I can see why it annoyed her.

Your sister 1 also does not control what her partner thinks or feels. Just because your culture thinks something is virteous, doesn't mean he should think the same, or that he is wrong to feel differently.

Again sister 1 was just offloading, which we all need to do. The problem is sister 2.

Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 19:45

I feel she should have defended me from given she knows I am not a bad aunt like she defends him from me when I say I suspect he isn't as good a father as he could have been.

I feel he was being an arsehole and judgmental

I feel he is stupid to not know that it is unwise to meddle in sibling squabbles

I am disappointed because I thought highly of him

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 26/12/2016 19:57

I think it's pretty standard for sisters to gossip about each other to each other.

After 10 weeks staying staying with her I'm sure you were both annoying each other. Her DP is a saint for agreeing to have you as a guest for so long.

Don't overthink it, just be grateful for the help they offered you and take a little bit of a break for a while.

Frusso · 26/12/2016 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/12/2016 20:12

Family talk to and about eachother OP. However I think that sister2 is shit stirring. Does she not like sister1's partner?

Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 20:24

Sister2 has a better relationship with Sister1's partner than I do.
I actually don't feel about about the 10 weeks I stayed with sister1. Partner lives in another country and was only there for the 3 weeks.

OP posts:
thedogsvagina · 26/12/2016 20:24

Everybody gossips
There were bound to be issues after a 10 week stay
Sister 2 was wrong to tell you

You need to put it behind you and be grateful that Sister 1 and her DH were able to help you out for so long.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 26/12/2016 20:25

I agree with justspeaksense, I've got a large family and so does dh and hearing about other people's business and passing inappropriate comments is pretty normal, I know you are hurt but I would let it go, your relationships with your sisters and your nephews are more important than a few hurtful words, it doesn't sound like a huge deal to me. Your sister's partner doesn't sound very nice, all the more reason not to fall out with her.

Original poster
Sopainedthough · 26/12/2016 20:27

I don't feel bad because it was the first time I asked of her anything compared to what I do for her. I've paid fees, swimming lessons, rent, loaned her money when she was in serious trouble before I had my own problems.

OP posts:
thedogsvagina · 26/12/2016 20:30

There is a big difference between lending someone money and staying in their house for 10 weeks. Bloody hell, I'd pay rent for that time rather than have someone in my home

gobbynorthernbird · 26/12/2016 20:49

I had to stay at my mums for an extended period recently. My brother has stayed with me. We all love each other and get on, but also annoy the life out of each other if we're in the same house for too long. We are all used to doing things our own way and having space, really it's not something to worry about.

Oddbins · 26/12/2016 21:06

They took you in when you would have been homeless. I've no idea why you were in that position but it meant that they had to bail you out.

I love my family but an inlaw staying indefinitely would get on my nerves and I'd vent at time. My home is my sanctuary and I too would feel crowded

They helped you and you rang them because you were too tired to throw a meal together for their son

I'd moan about you too.

Close proximity makes everything annoying.