AIBU: Family member gossiped about me

[Sopainedthough]

Disclaimers:
I live in a different country with different culture and English is 2nd language.

I've had a number of problems in the past few years and as a result was effectively homeless and asked sister (lets call her sister1) to live with her for 10 weeks while sorting myself financially and I've sinced left for my rental.

I just learned from sister2 that sister1 told her that while I lived with her and her child and partner:

1. That the partner was mostly annoyed with me and was always sleeping because he was annoyed with me and that I crowded them
2. That partner even questioned the type of aunt I am because I got home that day at 7.40pm and nephew was alone with another visiting nephew with no dinner cooked. On seeing this, I called sister1 to ask her what's the plan for dinner, I sensed she was a bit put off by my call and said she is on her way with ready meal. She eventually got home and we had dinner and I thought all was well, even with her partner.

Today, sister2 told about these incidents and I am hurt and disappointed that my sister would allow her partner to say such a thing about me as I take great pride in being an aunt and that I am a good aunt who goes out of her way for my siblings, their children, our parents and extended family and I don't mind. They would do so for me.

On that specific day I called my sister, I'd had a long day at my new job which was 33km away and took an hour's each driving to and from in heavy traffic with high accident rate from her house. I called her because I was exhausted and did not feel like cooking and thought I'd tell her to make plans for her son as under normal circumstances I would have cooked. She apparently was unhappy(I am not surprised as I sensed it and she normally hates being called when out in a night out about her children. I also have a feeling she feels inadequate as a parent and thinks that I think she is a poor parent(not financially, I just don't have a word for it)).

I am hurt because I think my sister's partner has no business judging me and more so it is unkind of him to say that as he knows that culturally it is encouraged and seen as virtuous to extend a helping hand to family. (The kind of culture with a saying "It takes a village to raise a child"). Now, I love my nephews with or without our cultural expectations, I would protect them from harm.

1. Am I unreasonable to feel hurt?
2. To think that family should not gossip about family to partners as it can ruin relationships with partners? I can never see this partner the same again?
3. I don't even know what to say to sister tomorrow when she brings her youngest son over for a week for babysittng as she going overseas to visit said partner. I feel like going back on my word and telling her I am not available with a sudden summer plans with friends.

He's entitled to an opinion when you are a guest in his house, regardless of your perception of his parenting. Your sister is entitled to have that conversation with your other sister. Why your second sister thought it was appropriate to pass this on to you I don't know.

You seem cross that you are now having your nephew, despite the fact that had you live with them? Why should they extend hospitality to you if yours is so easily retracted?

I'm a bit confused - was sis on a night out when you called her about dinner plans? Or was she on her way home with a ready meal?

Where was her DP, why didn't he have dinner ready for the kids?

I think if sis was on a night out and her DP out as well, I would have called for a takeaway for the kids.

I don't think you should refuse to have your nephew at this late stage. I would be shocked if there were NO irritations during a 10 week stay. That's a long time. It sounds like you do a lot for your sis, but a guest is like fish after 3 days - they start to smell!

Sister1 expects people to look after her children and they are quite handful and she takes offence when told this or asked to intervene when they are getting out of hand

2. I doubt sister1 would do the same for me, whereas sister2 would look after mine if I have them one day

Wait - sister 1 let you stay for 10 weeks yet you implying she's not the type to do favours. You sound like you have no gratitude for this massive favour:

I don't feel bad because it was the first time I asked of her anything compared to what I do for her.

You shouldn't feel bad, but you should be grateful. Did you also do those favours for her partner? Because it was extremely generous of him to let you stay too.

It would be really really awful of you not to let your nephew stay now. If you want to stay in contact with them don't do that.

Wow. You sound completely ungrateful. Your sister saved you from being homeless, put you up in her home wth her children for 10 WEEKS and you have the nerve to complain about her and her partner? Just wow. YABU.

Why were you homeless?

To clarify a fe questions.

1. I was committed to a mental health hospital for about 3 weeks. My work exacerbated it.
2. On release left the job with no financial plan but with commitments(car repyments, mortgage,etc). Used pension payout(which was not a lot) to pay mortgage.
3. Returned to live with mother(mortaged house I paid for) about 300km away from where I worked.
4. 4 months later had to go back to the city I left for a nice job offer. Sister1 also lives in this same city.
5. I had absolutely nothing, car repossessed at this stage. Parents not in a position to help out. I could not even get a loan to organise own rental.
6. Sister1 had to offer me a lift or her an Oyster card equivalent if not available to lift me.
7. First month I had to release car because it would have led to an adverse bad credit listing with authorities, which meant I would not be able to get even a rental. I also bought a month's groceries and a full tank petrol for sister1.
8. Second month, got own rental.

I understand she helped me, but I had no other way.

I think on that day, sister and her partner went out for drinks straight after work. I then got home just before 8pm to unfed children and exhausted, I called her to make a plan. She must have felt bad for being seen to be out and about with a man while children are home unfed at night during the week.

My intention was not to make her feel bad. I was in no going to cook.

Her dp has every right to have a moan about you as you lived in his house. I've been truly exhausted but still able to shove some pasta on for dinner so they probably were annoyed that you lived in their house and couldn't bring yourself to cook beans on toast for one child.
You not having any choice also sounds like they felt they didn't have any choice. Yes it's great when family help out but 10 weeks is quite a long time and dsis has her own life that you very much interrupted. I think you should be grateful but you must allow them to have a bit of a moan/ a rant.

People who live or stay together for any period of time will have issues/get on one another's nerves. This seems to be the case with your DS1 DP who has vented/bitched to your DS2. IMO that sort of moaning is standard behaviour, possibly unkind or indiscreet but entirely normal and often better than having a huge row by complaining directly to you. What was unreasonable is ds2 tattling back to you. If she carries on betraying confidences like that she will end up being avoided.

In the big scheme of things what he said wasn't terrible, he just has a different view of events to you. If DS2 had kept her mouth shut you would have been none the wiser and a lot happier.

It sounds like you come from a family that is usually mutually supportive and caring. I would let this one go, just remember never to complain to DS2 about anyone!!

I don't actually think partners have a right to complain about their partner's siblings. I just think it makes them appear meddling. In my instance, sister1's partner was wrong about me!

I find it amazing that people expect to get on when living in other people's homes for extended periods. It's difficult enough for direct family, let alone partners of family.

Look, they helped you out when you were at a low ebb. Mostly it went well. Occasionally your sister vented about things that were annoying her, successfully insofar as you were largely unaware of frictions in the household at the time.

So, let it drop. Sister 2 is the one meddling here as she was neither there in the home, chose not to tell Sister 1 she didn't want to discuss the matter at the time and chose not to tell you at the time there was trouble brewing.

If you bring it up now or try to exact petty revenge you will look very silly.

I understand you feel upset- you were in a pretty tight situation, and they grumbled about it afterwards.

Having said that, grumbling is pretty normal. You are having a grumble here, for example.

Families also work differently- none of us can really say what is reasonable and what is unreasonable for your family. Most families, partners come before sisters in their own home.

So your allowed to say he's not a good father, but he's not allowed to say that he found it hard to live with you when you were staying with them?

Families and friends do gossip about each other, its quite normal, just watch out for the people spreading the gossip to those it's about. These are the kind of people who twist things and will hurt others to suit their agenda.

is it possible that your mental health issues are making this seem worse than it is?

So they had a moan it's not a big deal

You are moaning about them publicly for the entire Internet to read

You are reading far too much into it.

You lived with them for 10 weeks and your sister had a moan to her other sister.

That's normal behaviour. I don't agree at all that partners aren't allowed to grumble about their parts siblings. Who made that rule?

Why would your sister feel bad about being out with a man when the child at home is capable of making itself a sandwiche and she knew you were going home?

I can see why you, a grown women staying in her house, calling to find what was for dinner while she was enjoying a night out a bit annoying.

She grumbled. You say helping out family is considered virteous in your family. But yiu were considering not helping her out because a perceived slight. Everyone gets annoyed with the people they live with. Especially when it's new and a lot of people live together.

You have said far worse about her dp than he said about you.