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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have sent ds to grandparents for hour yesterday

79 replies

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 26/12/2016 09:33

A bit of context ds aged 1 I am separated with his father who unfortunately had to work over seas this Christmas.I work in retail so worked most of last week. Ex mil helps with childcare and had ds Friday and Saturday all day. She asked to get ds an hour Christmas day so he could open present.I suggested she opened presents on Christmas Eve as he was there all day. I hardly seen him all week so was looking good forward to spending the majority of Christmas just us two. Now the passive aggressive comments have appeared on Facebook overnight and I feel like the grinch...wibu not sending get it away for an hour?

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2016 11:00

They waned to come and take him away to their house for an hour? I think that's U, given they had him on Christmas Eve. Why didn't they just come round to open presents with him if your door is always open to them? With whom were you having Christmas Day?

Wolpertinger · 26/12/2016 11:02

I don't think YABU but you do need to think about who can see what on your FB - does your ex-MIL really need to be able to see everything you do? She isn't really a friend of yours is she? Especially if it's going to be open to misinterpretation.

Reality - she had him for the whole of Christmas Eve, did presents and had a lot of special time. More than she would have had on Christmas Day. Your friend popped round for 5 minutes, took a photo and on FB is sounds a bigger deal than it is.

If it wasn't for FB would she even have known about the friend? Plus as the ex-MIL, a lot would be seeing far less of the GC than she is - it does sound like she genuinely loves him and enjoys having him rather than just being 'used for childcare' which is great, but as you are her son have split up, your relationship with her is likely to be difficult. Lots of women wouldn't see their ex-MIL at all and would see it as the ex's responsibility to facilitate her relationship with her GC, on his time.

Suggest reset all your FB settings and do something to make it up to her, as you have a positive relationship with her otherwise based around your DS.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/12/2016 11:07

The FB comments are un necessary.

'Taking' Ds for an hour to open presents was unnecessary.

Spending 1/2 hours together for ds would have been fantastic for him. At drink and mince pie and attention would have meant as much as a present to a 1yo.

Suggest in future she pops round and stays rather than does 4 trips between theirs and yours to have alone time with him.

LunaMay · 26/12/2016 11:10

I think you were being a tiny bit unreasonable. I dont think the childcare is relevant either, presumably they do it because they want to, doesnt mean they get to dictate to OP what happens on holidays.

I think you were that tiny bit unreasonable because i would assume if his dad wasnt working he would have gone and spent time with him and his family during the day?

Why didnt you invite them over to do his present? If you had time for friends to come surely they could have?

DistanceCall · 26/12/2016 11:33

As other people said, you were somewhat unreasonable, particularly given that she helps so much. It's normal that she wanted to spend some time with her grandchild on Christmas.

I would apologise and try to make it up to her with a special lunch or something like that. It's not a huge drama, but it costs you nothing to do something nice for her.

lougle · 26/12/2016 11:36

I think YABU. It wouldn't have hurt you to invite them to come and give him his present on Christmas day.

Headofthehive55 · 26/12/2016 12:38

Very unreasonable to take him away for an hour, but very reasonable for them to pop in and give him a gift, and you give them a mince pie!
Take him away makes him a commodity. Popping in to see him makes him a person.

coconutpie · 26/12/2016 12:43

YANBU and I can't understand the pp saying YABU. Just because she helps with childcare, doesn't mean that she can dictate everything. She had her DGC all day Fri and Sat! The present could've been opened Christmas Eve, FFS. The Facebook comments are so petty and childish.

I would be finding alternative childcare arrangements. You were working nonstop, it is perfectly ok for you to want to spend a day alone with YOUR child!

coconutpie · 26/12/2016 12:45

And if she wanted to see him so badly, she could have popped in to your house for 15 minutes. She sounds like a total drama queen.

MrsJayy · 26/12/2016 12:48

Oh dear what a hoha deleting on facebook chats I can see both sides your sons granny probably felt she is good enough to baby sit but not good enough to see him on Christmas day but all you wanted to do was be you and him Christmas day I would phone gran and apologise for hurting her feelings and see how it goes.

MrsJayy · 26/12/2016 12:50

Oh yanbu though they could have popped in yesterday

Original poster

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 26/12/2016 13:01

So ds is away to Gran for couple hours...for 'santa' presents....now how do I address that santa only delivers to where u sleep Christmas eve? I want my son to be humble nothe spoilt.

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 13:10

I don't understand everyone's reactions here - are you all hungover? His grandmother had him all Friday and Saturday - the OP's been working hard and surely deserves to have one day with her own child! She would be on her own otherwise, to make things worse.

KayTee87 · 26/12/2016 13:14

So ds is away to Gran for couple hours...for 'santa' presents....now how do I address that santa only delivers to where u sleep Christmas eve? I want my son to be humble nothe spoilt.

Op he's only one he won't understand what santa is.

When ex mil asked to have him for an hour on Christmas Day did you invite her to yours instead to give him the gift or just say no?

Original poster

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 26/12/2016 13:18

I would like to adress it for the future nip it in the bud if you like. Ds is 1 almost 2 so will have a lot more understanding next year. I never said no she couldn't see him just said it would be nice to open gifts on Christmas when he was there for the day but we would be at home till 2pm Christmas day....I have told them repeatedly they do not need an invite to our house.

OP posts:

KayTee87 · 26/12/2016 13:22

Op if it was me I'd have specifically invited them round at 1pm so you know you're leaving an hour later and the whole day wouldn't be 'hijacked' but it's done now. In order to heal relations I would maybe send her a text a long the lines that you had been so upset to not spend the run up to Christmas with him that you really wanted him all to yourself yesterday and you're sorry and didn't think that she might be upset to not see him too.
Let's face it if you need her for childcare you're better trying to make up.

MrsJayy · 26/12/2016 13:25

I think you should say grandparents presents from gp is the way to go that is what we did mum used to say oh santa came to my house the children humoured her i think. I know you said they are always welcome but some people like to be invited I know it is a pain but next year say come round and see him.

LunaMay · 26/12/2016 13:33

Hmm regarding the santa thing, do you know what your ex would like to do? My dad liked to have a stocking at his for me when i went there christmas day too. He didnt want to miss out on being able to dothat. Cant say it ever confused me as everyone has different traditions when it comes to presents/stockings anyway?

crashdoll · 26/12/2016 13:48

Santa visits more than one house. Children of divorced and separated parents manage it perfectly well. Sorry but I think that was an excuse.

I can see both sides. I think you could have been a little kinder or suggested another option e.g. them visiting you instead. They do a lot of their grandson.

DistanceCall · 27/12/2016 08:30

ow do I address that santa only delivers to where u sleep Christmas eve? I want my son to be humble not spoilt

I don't see why Santa can't deliver at several locations. Many children with extended family get presents from Santa at their relatives' homes. That doesn't make them spoilt (and wanting your son to be "humble" is an odd choice of words, to be honest).

I have told them repeatedly they do not need an invite to our house

Yes, but probably the mother of your ex feels uncomfortable popping in without notice. You should make the invitation explicit: "Hello, MIL, would you like to pop in tomorrow at (whatever time)?" And don't kick up a fuss if they bring presents from Santa.

Trifleorbust · 27/12/2016 09:15

I think her having him all day Christmas Eve was 'her time' and Christmas Day was his time with his mummy. I wouldn't be allowing my DD's GPs to take her out of the house on Christmas Day at 1 - no chance. The babysitting is irrelevant to how you spend your own time with your own son.

SheldonCRules · 27/12/2016 10:04

She only had him Christmas Eve as you needed childcare, so on one of the busiest days of the year for many she put herself out. An hour in return wasn't too much too ask. Lots of children see their grandparents on Christmas Day.

You may find she's less willing to be your free childcare from now on as you've clearly told her it's one way.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 27/12/2016 10:15

If grandmother is less willing to do the childcare moving forward

Then she is cutting her nose off to spite her face

I thought the op said that she had no problem with granny popping round for an hour or so. Seems more than reasonable to me

I have seen the phrase 'its not pay per view' on mumsnet in regard to maintenence and access for fathers. It seems apt in this case as well

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2016 10:25

I have seen the phrase 'its not pay per view' on mumsnet in regard to maintenence and access for fathers. It seems apt in this case as well

That's like comparing chalk and cheese.

The GM provides regular free childcare.

Astro55 · 27/12/2016 10:34

I think it's odd the GPS want DS for an hour rather than invite OP as well - who takes children from their parents Christmas Day?

The Santa gifts is n extension of that - they have no respect for you as a mother - speak up

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