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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have sent ds to grandparents for hour yesterday

79 replies

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 26/12/2016 09:33

A bit of context ds aged 1 I am separated with his father who unfortunately had to work over seas this Christmas.I work in retail so worked most of last week. Ex mil helps with childcare and had ds Friday and Saturday all day. She asked to get ds an hour Christmas day so he could open present.I suggested she opened presents on Christmas Eve as he was there all day. I hardly seen him all week so was looking good forward to spending the majority of Christmas just us two. Now the passive aggressive comments have appeared on Facebook overnight and I feel like the grinch...wibu not sending get it away for an hour?

OP posts:
Foodymucker · 26/12/2016 10:10

No you are not unreasonable .i look after my grandchildren every day , they opened their presents with me on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day they were with their mum and dad as it should be .

Stingray2008 · 26/12/2016 10:11

I think it probably upset her seeing that your friend had seen him. How was she to know if it was 5 mins or a all day. Plus emotions seem to come to the surface a bit more this time of year. Especially with her son away too.

CannotEvenDeal · 26/12/2016 10:14

For the sake of an hour I'd have just said yes to her tbh.

Crumbs1 · 26/12/2016 10:14

Mean and ungrateful, sorry. Sounds like you are happy to use them for your convenience but deny them the pleasure of an hour on Christmas Day.

Pineapplemilkshake · 26/12/2016 10:16

Couldn't she have popped over to your house instead on Christmas Day to see him open presents, rather than you having to visit her on your day off?

It is wonderful having childcare from grandparents, I have it too and genuinely do appreciate it. However I have found that it tends to lead to them wanting to take over a bit. I have found it difficult to get the balance right. My DM thinks of my DS as her own. There was a massive argument last week when I had arranged for my DP to look after DS for one day while I was at work (not his biological son, although that shouldn't make a difference). Obviously it then lead to all sorts of accusations about them being used for childcare and my parenting being awful etc etc. Sometimes you can't win!

RortyCrankle · 26/12/2016 10:18

Well I guess you shouldn't be surprised if, come the new year, your MIL is less available for looking after your child. She must save you a considerable amount of money by babysitting and I think it would have been nice if you had visited for an hour.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/12/2016 10:19

Send a message/call and say you are sorry they were disappointed not to see him. You wanted a whole day with him as you've been working but their comments in FB are uncalled for and immature.

Fairylea · 26/12/2016 10:19

An hour isn't too much to give back on Christmas Day considering she does so much for you. Most families take turns spending Christmas Day / Boxing Day with in laws anyway so considering you're separated and "mil" asked for one hour to see him to open presents etc I think you were being unreasonable, sorry, even if she did see him Christmas Eve. Although I would have encouraged her to come in and see him for an hour in my house rather than him go elsewhere.

BifsWif · 26/12/2016 10:19

Not unreasonable in the slightest, I can't believe anyone thinks you were!

There is no way I'd let someone come and pick my child up and take them to theirs on Christmas Day without me, my door is always open if people want to visit us but Christmas Day is for us. Her reaction is childish too.

pipsqueak25 · 26/12/2016 10:20

yanbu to want your ds with you at christmas, it's good you encourage mil to come to yours to see him, mil is being a knob on fb, so that alone would wind me up, but,why not invite her today to visit as a peace offering and just tell her what you've told us, that you've not seen much of him recently.
he's not going to be going anywhere [ie moving away] so she will see plenty of him.
as someone rightly pointed out, it would never be 'just an hour', i think you did the right thing tbh, if they had picked him up at 11.00 you probably wouldn't have had him back before 4 ish, then there would be the excuses, needed food, nappy change, took photos, needed nap babies sleep alot so whose to say he wouldn't have slept for an hour when he was supposed to be 'providing entertainment for gp ?
i know i sound cynical but i've been there and done that, when my dc were young it was awful trying to get mine back from dm sometimes, she'd cry, whinge and do the guilt trip. she only lived 20 minutes bus ride away and was totally able bodied at the time ffs !

Bitlessbahhumbug · 26/12/2016 10:22

Just thinking. Isnt MIL providing childcare for OPs ex who is abroad over Xmas? Depends on circumstances/details but not sure how obligated OP should feel.
I'm also separated and while working hard to maintain a good relationship between DC and exPIL, I really needed xmas day to be in-laws free, to have a tiny bit of space.

Toffeelatteplease · 26/12/2016 10:24

YANBU

Not in the slightest. Your time with your child is precious having him to themselves is not on. However I would have invited them over or gone and seen them

Oysterbabe · 26/12/2016 10:24

I think yabu. Sounds like you just want everything your own way, happy to use her for childcare when it suits you but not interested in her feelings when she just wants to see him for a bit on Christmas day.

pipsqueak25 · 26/12/2016 10:24

rorty iswum but if mil is'less available' for child care in the new year does that not piss on her parade, she'd see even less of dgs ! mind you if she is immature enough to write puerile crap on fb she might well have a strop, but that my friends will be another thread.

VikingVolva · 26/12/2016 10:25

"my door is always open for them to come visit"

Well that's not true, is it?

Yes, I think you were in the wrong here.

And although a perfect person would suck it up without a comment, people aren't perfect and do publish their disappointment. And it read to me as disappointment, not passive aggression. Perhaps that's because I'm not involved, and not feeling guilty enough to try to recast the injured party as the bad person just because the injury shows.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/12/2016 10:25

She must save you a considerable amount of money by babysitting and I think it would have been nice if you had visited for an hour.

I agree.

SausageSoda · 26/12/2016 10:27

YANBU imo. She had him on Christmas Eve and was welcome to visit yours. Seeing as you had hardly spent any time with him in the run up to Christmas I can understand why you wanted to on Christmas Day.

People who resort to PA comments on FB need to get a grip and a dose of maturity.

mamatiger83 · 26/12/2016 10:28

I don't think that's unreasonable there would have been no harm in doing presents on xmas eve. It's not a bad thing you wanted some quality time with your child after being at work.

Upanddownroundandround · 26/12/2016 10:29

Hmmm, bit of both. He's 1 so he won't know what day it is so they could have enjoying a bit of a Christmas Day with him on Christmas eve when they had him all day. So they are being unreasonable there. Very unreasonable really.

For an hour - depending on how close by they are - then yes YABU as you could have gone round to do presents. You did say she helps you out a lot.

On balance I would say your xMIL was being a bit silly though being as your DS is 1. You could tell him 5th Dec was Christmas Day and it really wouldn't matter. Opening presents with a 1 year old is exciting and special whether it's Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or any other day.

I would probably just suck it up, apologise to xMIL and try and keep the peace. 2017 could be a long year for your otherwise.

Onthecouchagain · 26/12/2016 10:30

Yabu.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 26/12/2016 10:33

Yanbu

ChasedByBees · 26/12/2016 10:36

I think YANBU, she's had him for a lot of the Christmas period and you're not able to be with him so much so this is your time. I assume she could have also visited? Why did she want to take him away with her?

clippityclock · 26/12/2016 10:46

Hmm you should have said they are welcome to come round and watch him open all his presents but that you really rather he wasn't taken away.

Too late now though but I would apologise to them and say you didn't really think it through.

My mum does all my childcare and I stay at her house on Christmas Eve so she gets to see DS open his presents. I'd rather be in my own house but its just want you when someone helps you out so much.

Guavaf1sh · 26/12/2016 10:46

I would have said Yanbu if you had handled it better but you fluffed up on the diplomacy. Be conciliatory be understanding say sorry and it will all blow over

SheldonCRules · 26/12/2016 10:53

YABVU, so she's ok to use as free childcare when it suits you but not good enough to have an hour on one day to see him open gifts? Yet your friend was able to see him?

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