Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to decline DD's gift?

28 replies

blondiemummabear · 26/12/2016 08:27

Over the summer I experienced a missed miscarriage and at the time I genuinely thought I was going to die.

The day after having an operation during a text exchange with my Aunt she said "so, did they cut you open?". I was still in hospital and the message made me cry immediately. She's very nosy but I'm not sure why this is even relevant. I had just lost our baby, I was vulnerable and completely overwhelmed with the last 24 hours, so I ignored her. I ignored her message for her to then text me later on asking if I was home and if they had cut me open.

We've not really spoken since apart from when she text late one night calling me pathetic for removing her from Facebook. I hadn't, I had simply come off as I was struggling with life and didn't want the distraction (and I had a few friends announcing their pregnancies).

So for Christmas she has sent our DD £20 as a present. I really don't want my daughter having the money (I know that might sound ungrateful), she has had a lot of gifts and really doesn't need the money, I also don't want my Aunt having anything to do with her.

I will either give it to charity and tell her I have done this or post it back to her. AIBU to do this?

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2016 08:40

How old is your daughter?
Why deprive her of a gift that I assume, was given in good faith?

My mum sent back or ruined gifts on my behalf (from my dad, one memory was of her smashing up a bagful of Easter eggs before sending them back)

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2016 08:42

Opps, posted too soon,

I have to say ghat her returning things that belonged to me was one of the things I really remember of my childhood. She had no right to do that!

abbsisspartacus · 26/12/2016 08:43

Just stick it in the bank she made might need it one day

Scooby20 · 26/12/2016 08:43

Sorry but I think yabu. It's not your gift to withhold.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/12/2016 08:45

Yabu, I agree it's not your gift to reject.

Original poster

blondiemummabear · 26/12/2016 08:46

DD is 2

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 26/12/2016 08:46

Why two threads?

crazydoglady6867 · 26/12/2016 08:47

Why tell her you have given it to charity, just do it, you don't have to look for a response from her. I have given money and gifts that my mother buys ME for 3 years. Never said a word to her I just do it. It is actually your daughters gift so maybe she should have it if it is you with the issue.

happychristmasbum · 26/12/2016 08:47

YABU

coffeetasteslikeshit · 26/12/2016 08:48

Sorry, but I agree with pp, it's not your gift to return.

Original poster

blondiemummabear · 26/12/2016 08:49

Sorry that happened to you Different, that's so sad.

OP posts:

redcarbluecar · 26/12/2016 08:50

Sorry to hear you went through something so horrible earlier this year. She sounds tactless but is this worth cutting family ties for? If she has a history of thoughtless behaviour and all of this is the last straw, maybe it would be right to maintain some distance from her (although still not sure why you would block her relationship with your DD). Otherwise, on the face of it, I think you're perhaps being a bit unreasonable and could consider forgiving and moving on. Hope you're ok though.

Wifflewaffles · 26/12/2016 08:54

Just put the money into savings for dd and say nothing.

Original poster

blondiemummabear · 26/12/2016 08:55

It was probably quite stupid of me to post this. There is a lot of history of her being tactless, nasty in some instances, deceitful etc that is all way too long to explain without boring everyone She lives miles away and we don't see her so I'm not blocking a relationship.

I guess I am very hurt from her comments at such a hard time.

I'll pop the money in the bank and leave it at that.

Thanks all. Merry Christmas

OP posts:

namechange102 · 26/12/2016 08:56

Sorry OP, it sounds like you've been through a difficult time. But apart from being terribly tactless it doesn't sound like your aunt has been that awful. You said you ignored her initially because you were (understandably) upset. Did you explain to her about the Facebook misunderstanding, or ignore that also? From the outside it looks like poor communication which could be resolved if you want it to be. After all, she did send your dd a gift. Unless there's more to this than you explained it does sound like yabu.

HerBluebiro · 26/12/2016 08:56

She asked an awfully insensitive question.

Then after you ignored all contact from her she assumed (wrongly) that you had blocked her on Facebook. When you had just closed it down.

I understand you are upset. But put that money in dd's account and say 'thankyou for the gift aunt. From dd' in her thank you card.

You know if it was malicious or just insensitive of your aunt (the fact that it started as one question amongst others in a text exchange leans me towards the latter). But is it worth a family feud over?

GingerHollyandIvy · 26/12/2016 08:56

If you cut off contact for your dd with anyone and everyone that you have a disagreement with or who has ever offended you in any way, your dd will never get to know most family members. Your beef with your aunt is just that. Yours. It's between the two of you. It's got nothing to do with your dd. I'd let her have the present.

namechange102 · 26/12/2016 08:57

X post! Didn't see there was a 'history'!

HerBluebiro · 26/12/2016 08:57

Ah cross post. There's always more to these stories

timeforabrewnow · 26/12/2016 08:58

I don't think YABU - your Aunt doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Best not to interact with her.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2016 09:00

""She lives miles away and we don't see her so I'm not blocking a relationship.""

Unless she's very elderly, then you would be, because one day your DD will be old enough to decide to visit.

My Mother did similar with me and I resented (now deceased) her for it.

Original poster

blondiemummabear · 26/12/2016 09:01

I have replied to her re Facebook (and others who thought I had removed them - who knew I was so popular on there !!) and explained I needed some time out and why. I've had counselling the last few months, lost some lbs and have been working on myself, I feel like a different person.

I've never posted before and am glad I have got other people's opinions on this. I've got some cheques from my birthday to takento the bank so will put this £20 in my DD's savings whilst I'm there. It might come in handy when she can touch it at 18!

OP posts:

user1465146157 · 26/12/2016 09:01

I don't have aunties that would give me a gift like that, something useful and a nice thought.

She obviously still cares and thinks about you and your family.

I think it was insensitive what she said - she maybe was asking what you had physically gone through and just said it in the totally wrong way. Which is annoying and hurtful and thoughtless, but maybe unintentional.

You don't say how close you were before this happened - I wonder if you should explain how you feel one day just to get it out in the open. Depends on how much you value the relationship in the first place.

RE: the gift - its actually a nice thing and i don't think you should take it from your daughter. It may even be an opportunity to contact her and say thank you - and then, by the way, the reason I've not been speaking to you is because I felt like you were insensitive and while you may not have meant to be it really hurt my feelings etc..

Good luck anyway. It's nice to think family is thinking of your child at Christmas.

user1465146157 · 26/12/2016 09:03

apologies - cross post! i didnt realise there was a back story to this.
Glad you're feeling better about things x

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2016 09:04

Sorry that happened to you Different, that's so sad. Thanks, op. My mum had a catalogue of things wrong with her parenting, we haven't spoken for several years! I am not for one minute thinking you are like her

Flip

1 2