To feel irrationally (?) guilty

[DorothyL]

My brother and I had a big fall out 15 months ago. At the time he said he didn't want to speak to me again, and as far as I'm concerned that's fine - no real loss to me.

My mum is refusing to take sides and this makes my brother furious. Today he spent the day with her, his girlfriend and his and her kids. The topic came up and he raged against my mother about it, to the extent that he dragged the kids out of the house sobbing .

I now feel I have a part to play in my nephew's and nieces' ruined xmas day because I won't apologise - is that irrational?

I know it's his fault really but it still makes me sad that the children are affected, but would it be right to back down just for that reason? When I don't feel I'm im the wrong?

No he needs to learn to stop being a dick

I totally agree. I think what makes him so angry is that I won't bend to his will, while even his exw and my dm will
In the end always try to appease him

I don't get on with my brother. I have to ask who brought the subject up?

If it was your mother then it's her fault and his fault for acting like he did.

Depends what it is and who bought it up, on Christmas Day.

They all ruined those Children's Christmas.

I don't think my mother is entirely blameless - apparently my brother was praising himself as being of a very tolerant and generous disposition which provoked my mum into saying (unwisely) "does that apply to family, too?"

And then he kicked off into his rage...

Such a difficult situation. It's a massive strain on your mum of the two of you can't even be in the same room but equally I understand that people can often be such incredible arses you just have to make a stand sometimes. What did you fall out about?

So your mum is taking sides.

Does she make digs at you too?

He sounds an arse. I can't tell you wether you should let it go or not. But something has happened between him and his mum and you are making it about you.

You should feel nothing. Your mum shit stirred and he blew. It's all on them.

When he left my sil for another woman he wanted me and my mum to say that we totally understood why he had "no choice" but to leave her (she has mental health problems), which I refused to do.

apparently my brother was praising himself as being of a very tolerant and generous disposition

Is that how she described the situation? Sounds like she doesn't like very much either.

That doesn't sound like she's was trying to appease him to me.

Can't really say one way or the other, I think there's more to this story and without both sides.. well, who can tell.

But it was an unwise thing to bring up.

No it doesn't and I think she was very unwise to say it to say the least.

I have said that afaic we can be polite when we meet, agree to disagree etc but he insists on me unreservedly apologising which I won't

Sounds like something I would say my mouth should come with a warning sticker

Your brother sounds very unpleasant. It's neither your or your mum's fault, his own "rage" (sounds like narcassistic injury) is his own responsibility.

What did you say when he left his wife?

He really wants an apology be just because yiu wouldn't say that you understood?

Actually I've asked my sister for an apology for her mental behaviour she refused so I don't speak to her I wouldn't go nuts at my family about it just repeat when she apologises I will accept it!

Very difficult. Honestly, I don't know what to say. Presumably he has always been a bit of an arse? In my family we tend not to talk about very controversial topics at family gatherings otherwise this sort of thing happens. I honestly think it's the best way!

Sorry, just saw your last post. I agree with you. You can't be more reasonable than that. That said it is entirely up to him whether he leaves or stays with his wife.

So he got into a rant about you in your absence? His choice, not yours.

Leave it be.

It's all a bit complicated and there's a lot to it, as these things alwaya go.

We never had the best relationship, not helped by him always making it clear he thought my son's behaviour was caused by my parenting not autism. But I never confronted him about that.

When he left sil she plunged back into alcoholism she had conquered before and it was left to my mum to pick up the pieces. Brother's contribution was to say she was just being manipulative.

It all came to a head between him and me when he wanted me to give him some information regarding some jointly owned property, he wanted this in order to use it against my sil financially. I knew he could get the information from others easily so refused to give it to him out of principle, didn't want to play a part in disadvantaging sil. This angered him so much that we arrived where we are now.

Yes it's up to him whether he wants to leave his wife but to expect me to agree that he did no wrong by having a six month affair behind her back?

He sounds very unpleasant actually. Are you the only siblings?

Yes just him and me sadly

I have the same intolerance for infidelity as you DorothyL. I have lost a number of friends, not because they have had affairs but because they have expected me to support them or even collude with them. I think he sounds awful.