To feel irrationally (?) guilty

[DorothyL]

My brother and I had a big fall out 15 months ago. At the time he said he didn't want to speak to me again, and as far as I'm concerned that's fine - no real loss to me.

My mum is refusing to take sides and this makes my brother furious. Today he spent the day with her, his girlfriend and his and her kids. The topic came up and he raged against my mother about it, to the extent that he dragged the kids out of the house sobbing .

I now feel I have a part to play in my nephew's and nieces' ruined xmas day because I won't apologise - is that irrational?

I'm with you on this one Ruby

Sometimes, for whatever reason, feelings change and people fall out of love. That's one thing.

But to lie and cheat and go behind the other person's back is another. If a relationship has failed, then leave, don't try to have your cake and eat it.

I've also been in the position where I discovered that a "friend" was using fabricated nights out with me to cover her adulterous relationship with her boss. I don't have anything to do with her now.

I think that living with someone with an addiction or MH issues would change the stance that I took in regards to "cheating".

Especially if it's complicated by the Mother (who is usually granted residency), having the addiction.

OP, your Mum should have left well alone, what was the need for the comment?

Birds, really? Why is cheating not cheating then? And when my brother cheated on her sil had just conquered her issues after a year of therapy, his behaviour pushed her back down

'It sounds like narcissistic rage'

No it doesn't. It sounds like your mother made a snide unnecessary comment about something he was probably feeling very sensitive about.

Not everyone who has a fight is a narcissist you know.

My mum
Shouldn't have said but did he really have to go into full on spit flying rage?

Dorothy, you weren't there, you have no idea what happened. Sounds to be like you hate your brother and your looking for more things to be annoyed about. Leave it alone.

But you were Maxwell? So you know better than OP what happened. Are you the brother?

No I wasn't there, but neither was the OP. This is between the mother and the brother, I don't understand why OP is making it about her.

The AIBU is 'to feel irrationally (?) guilty'

My answer is yes you are BU to feel guilty, you're not in control of your mothers snide comments or your brothers reactions.

She shit stirred whilst maintaining she isn't taking sides.

But she is taking sides so if we are going down the 'narc' route, it would follow that the mother is gas lightning him. So his kick off could be reasonable. She goods him whilst saying she isn't taking sides. He kicks off.

Hello OP, how your brother chooses to act is completely out of your realm of control. Don't let him draw you back into his dysfunctional life. Don't rise to his bait.

Thank you.

I see what your saying about my mum, but is dragging your children into the car sobbing on xmas day ever justified?

No. But you could apply the same logic to your mum.

She is taking sides. She is pretending she isn't and then goaded him.

Is it every acceptable to shit stirred on Christmas day? Whilst pretending you are a neutral party.

If my mum pretended to be neutral whilst having a dig it would annoy me too.

Clearly you and your mum sound like you think she should have been able to do what she wants and he should have just let it go.

You all sound as bad as each other.

My mother has literally wiped up my sil's sick after my brother left, cared for the children, liaised with health professionals. At the same time she has given him considerable financial help leading to him living with his girlfriend in a mortgage free house. Yes my mum shouldn't have said but did he really have to react like that? Why can't he just agree to him and me avoiding each other?

So my mum wrote to my brother suggesting they talk calmly - we'll see what comes of that...