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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people asking when DD is going to nursery

65 replies

GabbySolis · 25/12/2016 18:39

DD is two, I am a SAHM because my husband and I feel that being at home is best for pre-school age children. We go to lots of toddler groups and activities and she has lots of friends her age. She is sociable, outgoing and her speech is excellent. I am really fed up of people asking when she will go to nursery and being shocked when we say we have no plans to send her. Neither me or my husband or any of our siblings went to nursery and all started school without any problems. Have been asked so many times today visiting relatives for Christmas and I just feel a bit 😡

OP posts:
catwoman0815 · 25/12/2016 19:23

free hours, not green

Paulat2112 · 25/12/2016 19:26

No, I don't mean they sit at tables and learn for their full time. i thought it was brought in to ensure that all children are starting school in the same ball park with regards to 'education', social skills, etc etc. Which is also why they brought in the 2 year old funding for selected families?

In my area it's pretty much use your hours for money off your private nursery fees or you get 15 hours a week (term time) in a school nursery which is 3 hour sessions a day. Which couldn't really enable anyone to work, ds2 has morning session which is 8.45-11.45. So it's certainly not for the childcare aspect.

Original poster
GabbySolis · 25/12/2016 19:28

Meant to add to my last post I will try to see it more as general conversation in future and less of a criticism. As I said just been asked so many times with seeing eveeyone over Christmas!

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 25/12/2016 19:28

Sj257. You always hear politicians talk about increasing free nursery hours in order to help parents get back to work. Thats how it all started.....It wasn't to give three year olds education necessarily, although granted, they do benefit from that too.They get the same sort of education provided in private nurseries that you do in a nursery that is part of a school....I know, because my DS went straight from private nursery to reception, and she had learnt all the same stuff as those who went to the nursery in the school, phonics, grouptime, the lot. That's why you can claim the 15 hours from the government off your nursery bill.

QuackDuckQuack · 25/12/2016 19:32

Obviously you should do what suits you. But the majority of children go to some sort of early years education, so it isn't surprising that you are asked about it. Much like the parents of a 4 year old might be asked where they were hoping to get a school place, even though a few children are home educated.

Where we live almost all of the children go to one of two nurseries before going on to the local school. So socially, those very few who didn't go to one of the two nurseries are a bit disadvantaged when they start school as the others already have formed some friendships.

My DDs and the majority of their friends seem to have really enjoyed nursery, and I would be sad for my DDs to have missed out on that. Their nursery has provided them with structure (in a gentle, age appropriate way) and made them part of the community. But I would make a lousy SAHM, so comparing what I would offer as a SAHM and the lovely, caring staff at nursery is very different to looking at a great SAHM and a not great nursery.

Original poster
GabbySolis · 25/12/2016 19:35

That is a good way of looking at it, thank you :)

OP posts:
Rattusn · 25/12/2016 19:50

Yanbu

I think it is because it is not the norm (given that the vast majority of children use the 3 year old entitlement, even those with sahms). People often have difficulty comprehending decisions which are outside of the norm, even if they are perfectly reasonable. Look at the hysterical reactions that often follow on threads where op says they are raising their dc vegetarian for example.

For the most part people are just making conversation though.

As long as both you and dd are happy there is no compelling need to send her to nursery. You may want to use the free entitlement at some point though to give you some grown up time Smile

G1raffePicnic · 25/12/2016 19:54

I am a sahm and had considered home ed. However my son benefitted so much from preschool, group of friends to play with a few times a week.

I chose one that didn't do phonics etc (intentionally) and chose a non school nursery as I didn't want school education. I loved the preschool and it gave him so much socially and wider education I'm glad he didn't miss out!!

SunshineInTheRain · 25/12/2016 20:07

People asking repeatedly is rude. Different people asking is just small talk normally.

Also op, not to change your mind (I'm home ed-ing) but how you feel about it at two maybe different to how you feel at 4. No harm being open to considering future options if things working well at home change. A couple of mornings a week at a relaxed childcare setting maybe suit both you and dc for a couple of terms before school, and some childminders take early years funding and you may prefer a family based setting like this for your dc to make new friends without your imput and learn to form a bond with a new adult before needing to do the same at school (assuming you choose to send her). A free couple of hours to go to the gym or meet friends without dc can reboot your energy to enjoy dc the rest of the time also. At two I wouldn't have left mine for the world, at three I desperately needed the break from them as they did from me, it maybe early years education but this was why I chose to use it.

addstudentdinners2 · 25/12/2016 20:12

my husband and I feel that being at home is best for pre-school age children

A less judgy way to phrase would be to say "my husband and I feel that me being at home is best for our children"

All children and all families are not the same.

KnitsBakesAndReads · 25/12/2016 21:00

The latest research indicates that it's actually better for kids to go to nursery than be cared for 100% by parents.

Do you have a link to that / know where it was published nocake? Was chatting to a friend about this recently (she's been feeling guilty about sending her DC to nursery) and I'd love to send her a link to this study as I'm sure she'd find it interesting. Thanks!

zoobaby · 25/12/2016 21:02

We've committed the cardinal sin of having a gasp horror 4 year old who doesn't go to nursery. People think we're weird and neglectful. Whatever.

unicornlovermother · 25/12/2016 21:03

Ha-oh let them bog off-I support you. Honestly a lot of the time people are just making gormless conversation and then there is that group who think you are works shy and living off your husband-what misguided bollocks that is and clearly they have not stayed home with a 2 year old to know it is work in itself. Then there are the people who did full time nursery for their kids and so need to validate their own choice. It is fantastic for toddlers to be home with mum or dad- there is no way they get the same level of attention in a full time nursery . People are so weird about wanting others to do what they did.

StarUtopia · 25/12/2016 21:06

You can do what you like, but i do think it's a shame you're not sending her, because it is beneficial. Social skills. Learning independence. Being ready for school. Lots of very good reasons.

Personally (and I say this as a teacher) I think you're hindering her start to education by not sending her. Times have changed. Even just a couple of mornings a week would be good for her.

unicornlovermother · 25/12/2016 21:08

Having worked in a nursery before and seen how little attention kids get in a group setting, there is no link that convinces me that kids are better off in nursery- oh yeah their language ability may come on a bit sooner but a survey only measures specific things- certain measures are difficult to quantify but being securely attached to a parent is very important and you are maximising that by staying home.

dementedpixie · 25/12/2016 21:09

I don't think it's required at age 2 but was glad to take advantage of the free hours at age 3. My 2 went for the morning session 5 days a week and it gave them different things to do and gave me a few hours to do a gym class or shop alone, etc. I think we both benefitted from it

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 25/12/2016 21:12

I didn't send my son until he went to school nursery at 4 (early September birthday). Can't see any negative effects now he is reception as he's a happy, social little boy.
I could have got it at 3yrs and 3 months for 15 hrs but decided not to. Don't regret that either.

littleducks · 25/12/2016 21:19

Paulat- when it was first proposed by Gov it was referred to as childcare then became early education in the same way it is now being publisced as 30 hours "childcare"

Sleepybeanbump · 25/12/2016 21:22

Personally (and I say this as a teacher) I think you're hindering her start to education by not sending her. I wonder how countries who start education at 7 cope? Or how we all coped in the very very recent past when kids stayed at home much longer. It's not a race.

I'd be interested to read the new study about nursery. I understood from previous research that - IIRC- there were benefits for the over 3s but not for younger children.

G1raffePicnic · 25/12/2016 21:48

I thought the benefits were 3+ which presumably is what friends are referring to? At 2 you may well be at the stage of choosing preschool/nursery for 3+ depending where in the year the birthday is.

Areas where schools start at 7 usually have kindergarten /day care for part of the week at least and some of these look more formal than our preschool/reception!

I think you should feel free not to choose preschool education if you so wish (I'd personally think mine would have missed out if they hadn't and still miss going there) but it certainly isn't the root of all things bad!

Konyaa · 25/12/2016 21:55

Oodles of difference between

my husband and I feel that being at home is best for pre-school age children

And

my husband and I feel that being at home is best for our children

But I suspect the OP knew this.

QuackDuckQuack · 25/12/2016 21:55

When I spoke to a friend from Germany with a DS the same age as my DD it became clear that 'start school at 7' doesn't mean no education until 7. Once they are 7 they are expected to go into formal education, but kindergarten is much like a nursery school or reception classroom.

ThirdThoughts · 25/12/2016 23:12

I didn't send my 4yr old. But we are planning on HEing as well, so whilst I got irritated at being asked about nursery a lot it has trained me for the questions about school!

I think, often but not always, people are mentally comparing their 2/3 year old prior to nursery with their 4/5 year old post nursery and feel they came on in leaps and bounds, perhaps in ways they wouldn't have expected. But children who don't go to nursery aren't in some kind of stasis. They also develop academically, physically, socially as long as they are given the opportunities to. There may be leaps when they have new experiences - like first attending nursery is - but there are a whole lot of different things a SAHP can do with them too.

Many people don't really have experience of how children learn or socialise without school, so worry they won't. But it doesn't mean that they don't, they just have the freedom to do so at their own pace the way adults do.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/12/2016 00:19

What Quackduckquack says. My niece is German and just three (if British would not get free hours until January) and goes to some form of play school. Not sure exactly what they do there but it obviously includes correct pencil grip as she was showing it to me on Skype a few weeks ago.

Ds (6 months older and British) wouldn't know correct pencil grip if it ate him for breakfast. He spends his hours in nursery (both private and school) playing trains.

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 26/12/2016 00:21

My MIL is a primary school deputy head. She has said on several occasions that, when kids start in P1, they can always tell, right off the bat, which kids have been to nursery and which kids haven't. The difference in social skills etc is glaringly obvious. She also says, however, that a child having never been to nursery is now a pretty rare thing. Around here anyway.

It is of course your call, but nursery has done fantastic things for my DD. She absolutely loves it. I didn't like the idea of it at first either but those are my hang ups and DD has thrived.