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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So very, very upset for poorMIL

57 replies

MatildaTheCat · 25/12/2016 09:14

She's 87 and physically very frail indeed so lives in a nursing home. Mentally very sharp and knows precisely where each of her possessions is.

Yesterday evening I went to get her stuff ready for today. After choosing her clothes she asked me to get out her favourite antique silver necklace. It's gone. Her jewellery wrap is empty, including her wedding ring. Tucked safely in a drawer,mint can, I fear only be a member of staff. Several nice,months massively valuable bits stolen.

Just who the fuck does something like that? So very upset for her. Have reported to staff and I guess the Police will be informed ( by us). Just had to get it off my sad chest. Sad

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 25/12/2016 10:30

This what happens when care workers are paid a shit wage and not considered to be professionals in any sense. You attract the kind of people who know that they just have to turn up to get a job as recruitment in that field is so difficult, and then they can take advantage of the situation.

If we treated people in caring professions with more respect and paid them accordingly then you wouldnt get so many thieving care workers. Not because people would stop stealing but because it wouldnt be so easy to walk into a building full of vulnerable people and gain access to their personal possessions.

I do think that the OP should be the one to report it as the home cannot be trusted to do it. But sadly its unlikely to get the items back :(

notaflyingmonkey · 25/12/2016 10:34

Have you double checked that the jewellery wasn't moved? Does the home have a safe that they use? (clutches at straws).

Bastards though.

When my dad was in a hospice someone came in and stole the (dying) ladies handbags. There should be a special place in hell reserved for those greedy bastards who steal from the vulnerable.

MrsRhubarb · 25/12/2016 10:36

Sadly it is a reality that valuables are often not safe in care homes. I don't mean from staff, but from other residents with dementia who simply don't realise that it isn't theirs. They look in a drawer, which they probably think is their drawer - after all, it's in their house - and think they should put these things somewhere safe. They will have no recollection, and the items could end up anywhere. Once a wedding ring that had been given up for lost forever a year before turned up inside a radiator cover when the carpet was being changed.

Hard as it is, if you have a loved one in a care home, talk to them about leaving things of sentimental with a family member. If they would miss wearing a ring or watch then look into getting a copy, but be aware that there is always the possibilty of things going astray as they get more frail or confused.

I do hope her things turn up OP.

randomeragain · 25/12/2016 10:40

Unborn....y thoughts exactly. I had a lady who would " give " me watches.

LuluJakey1 · 25/12/2016 11:00

Awful. How upsetting for her. My godmother -early stages of alzheimers- had 2 art deco emerald and diamond rings taken off her fingers by a neighbour who then tried to sell them and was caught - but the rings had gone. Awful.

FeralBeryl · 25/12/2016 11:03

Sad have you spoken to the nurse in charge?
I'm draw clutching that it could have accidentally been bundled up with clothing and found in their laundry and may be sitting unclaimed in the office?
Crossing fingers, please please take anything else sentimental home with you, even if it means carting it in every visit 'just in case' she wants it.

FeralBeryl · 25/12/2016 11:03

straw 🙄 not draw

ZestyDragon · 25/12/2016 11:09

Call the police yourselves for sure. It may not be the first time it's happened. But it could also be another patient who may not realise what they are doing.

UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 25/12/2016 11:09

Oh I hope it isn't the staff. I have a friend who's a carer and she wouldn't dream of taking anything.

I agree carers pay is shite considering all they do but of course that isn't at all a reason to steal off the vulnerable.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 25/12/2016 11:20

Bogey - agreed. Its a sad state of affairs in the care home / residential sector. People getting jobs " caring " for vulnerable people who wouldn't get night-fill in Asda - I know someone with a criminal record and that is exactly what happened with her. Stole a lot of Christmas hamper money from friends and got done - now working in swanky/expensive care home just down the road!

crashdoll · 25/12/2016 11:23

Oh that's very sad. :( I'm sorry. I'm a social worker for older people and sadly, it is quite common for thing sort of thing to happen. Please contact the police yourselves. Although, I would insist that the manager has ensured a thorough search of the care home too. It is very, very common for people with dementia and similar conditions to get confused and take things, not knowing.

I hope you can still have a nice Christmas, despite this.

Merriment · 25/12/2016 11:24

Thefts I n care homes should be reported to police and social services as its abuse. As foir the scum who have done this to your poor mil Xmas Angry

lljkk · 25/12/2016 11:25

I would report it myself.
Why do you feel sure it was staff and not other residents or their visitors?

Original poster
MatildaTheCat · 25/12/2016 11:29

Sadly it isn't possible for it to be a wandering dementia patient as she is in a different wing and all the patients in her wing are physically unable to wander.

The jewellery was in a roll tucked at the back of a drawer. It had been re-rolled and tied up in a deliberate fashion. Empty. Same drawer as her hearing aids are kept in so it does point towards a member of staff. We are just gutted.

I've asked for a written report to be made and SIL is there collecting her for lunch today and will make sure it's been done. As I said, nothing was worth a huge amount, just nice silver bits and her wedding ring.

Fucking bastard thief.

OP posts:
StStrattersOfMN · 25/12/2016 11:31

Bastards. Utter bastards.

It's not the value, it's the memories, the trust, the safety. I'm so sorry :(

lovelearning · 25/12/2016 11:33

Not massively valuable...

Valuable to her. Xmas Sad

How lucky she is to have a daughter-in-law who cares.

MatildaTheCat, I wish you and your family a Happy Christmas.

sunshinesoph155 · 25/12/2016 11:35

Unfortunately it's not just the (often lovely) carers who have access to residents rooms

I worked in a care home kitchen at 16 and was appalled that the cleaners and other general staff were hired without background checks and allowed to roam freely. Many only lasted a week or two and then disappeared. I see why now.

BushyBushyTinsel · 25/12/2016 11:38

This makes me have the rage on your mil/your behalf. Utter cuntish twatish BASTARDS!!!!

crashdoll · 25/12/2016 11:44

I'm sorry. :( I was hoping that maybe it had been taken by a fellow resident. I'm gutted for her and you that he signs point towards it being staff. It's such a betrayal of trust.

What complete and utter wankers. I hope karma bites them on the arse.

Carers stole £2,000 from my grandma as she was dying from cancer. It was the only money she had in the world. So, I do understand how utterly devstasting it is.

Sending Christmas cheer.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 25/12/2016 11:59

Absolute bastards!

My friend's dad had some china figurines (Beatrix Potter I think) that were her late mums stolen from an upstairs cabinet. At the time her father had terminal cancer and could move his neck and one hand, and could not get upstairs, so there was no need for anyone else to go up there. In a moment of dark humour she did say the only reason she noticed some had gone was because of the dust marks left in the cabinet. At the time I'd have happily had the lot of them up against the wall - who the hell does something like that to someone so vulnerable ffs!

I hope you all still manage to have a happy Christmas!

Nicknameofawesome · 25/12/2016 12:10

Its so horrible I hope she gets it all back.

It's so hard because sadly it's often workers but can also be forgetfulness of the person themselves or another resident with dementia who genuinely just thinks it is theirs.

My grandma was convinced she had lost something non valuable but sentimental. We searched everywhere for it but never found it, asked other residents etc. It wasn't until she passed away and her room was cleared that my uncle found it in a really strange place. We think she hid it to keep it safe. It worked we had been looking for it for 2 years Confused

AQuietMind · 25/12/2016 12:15

Horrid fucks! Who does that Sad

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 25/12/2016 14:06

There is a special place in hell for someone who would steal from an old person. And the hottest part of that hell is for someone who would steal a wedding ring!

Before we moved Mum, we put her little bits of jewelry of any value in the bank box, including her wedding set and Dad's ring which she wore around her neck. Luckily, her dementia was such that she didn't miss them. My cousin finally did the same for her mum (my mum's sister) after she gave a valuable sapphire ring to a member of staff (who turned it in to the charge nurse). Auntie loves her jewelry though and her dementia isn't as advanced as my mum's, so my cousin replaced the valuable pieces with bright shiny costume jewelry.

Dowser · 25/12/2016 16:13

When mum went into a nursing home for dementia she was like a thieving magpie. I keep giving stuff back to the staff but it was impossible to keep up. A locked jewellery box is the answer.
Mums good stuff was given back to me.

Iknowwhatyoumeanaboutthathat · 25/12/2016 16:17

How awful. My man had carers at home and when she died several sentimental items of jewellery and other bits were missing. Over the years though she'd had so many different people we couldn't do anything or accuse anyone.