To change my body even tho my husband doesn't like it

[GrandmaGotRunOverByAReindeer]

I was fat and unfit.
I'm now thin and fit, muscular but I want to build more muscle.

My husband likes fat women.
He doesn't like muscles.
He doesn't like that my boobs are smaller.
He doesn't want to hear anything about fitness at all, I'm not allowed to talk about the gym etc
He isn't interested in my achievements (weight I've lifted, distance/time I've run)

It's really getting me down but I really really want to do this for myself

Pickachew
And if 10 stone is half your original body weight, you'e madde a massive difference to your health - but at 10 stone odd, unless you're 6', you're hardly skinny, now

...and the 'Pissing On Your Parade Award' goes to....

I didn't read Pickachew's post as chip pissing.

I read it as supportive, in the sense that the OP's DH is talking shit.

"you look thin, I don't like it, there's nothing to hold anymore "

THAT ^^ is the real pissing on the OP's parade comment.

Well... I'm a size 8 so hardly massive

I actually weigh 9stone 5, and I'm 5ft 7.

I should have said Over half of my body weight really since I was a size 22 and 19 stone.

My husband likes fat women. - Good for him
He doesn't like muscles. - It isnt his body
He doesn't like that my boobs are smaller. - it isnt his body
He doesn't want to hear anything about fitness at all, I'm not allowed to talk about the gym etc - I dont blame him
He isn't interested in my achievements (weight I've lifted, distance/time I've run) - I dont blame him

He is unreasonable for complaining about the changes you have made to your own body as it is for the good of your health but I have to say gym talk is so excruciatingly tedious that I'm not really interested in hearing about it either and I am a regular gym goer.

So what is he going to do? Leave you?

Wow! Just wow!

If you're happy being you, if you're healthy being you, be you!

Huge well done on your achievements!

Has he always been this controlling ? Does he try to control other areas of your life ?

Well either way, you've done amazingly well.

It's your body and you're still exactly the same person now as you were when you were fat and unfit.

Except now, you might live a happier, longer and more healthy life due to your efforts.

He should be really pleased about that, instead of moaning about apparently "having nothing to hold".

Of course he has something to hold - YOU!

I'm a swimmer, gone from nothing to a mile in about 6m focussed work

My boyf is one of the very few people I talk to about it, I know it's dull unless you're into it, he's 100% behind me and loves the new shape I have

Although the shape and size loss is slightly odd for me, it's a bi-product of the fact I absolutely love to swim, so I focus on what I'm gaining in terms of performance not what I'm losing in terms of size of my arse

I don't want to hear about thin and toned people choosing to become more muscular!
I am 1.5 stone overweight (make that 2 stone by Jan 1st). I am pre-menstrual, bloated and my house is heaving with mince pies and wine.
I can't get my head around the notion that losing body fat could be a problem!

I have always been a chubster. I think if I became very toned and muscular my husband would probably find it a bit weird. It's what he's known for nearly 30 years.
I wouldn't like it if husband suddenly became very muscled and hard bodied. It wouldn't seem like him and would feel a bit odd.
If he became more interested in fitness I would support him (and hope it rubbed off on me) as it would improve his health and may even prolong his life.
But If he became a gym obsessive, I wouldn't be so keen.

If it was the opposite way around that OP's body had changed so drastically there would be a lot more sympathy for the husband.
Well done, OP but he might need time to adjust.

It is good that you are going what you want to do and are feeling the rewards of your efforts. If he is not happy then don't fish for compliments and commentary (any and all gym talk is dull when only one person is into it). Its clear that he needs to work through his preferences.

That said there are people out there with certain physical preferences including larger ladies and any person who tells you otherwise or that you are the same person he married so he is only being insecure is being an arse and lying basically. Some men just like the fat - as much as everyone seems to have been brainwashed that skinny is more desireable for everyone.

You have changed (which, if nothing else, is a positive health gain) and he needs to accept that or move on.

I'm on the fence here.

In a way he should be happy your healthy and fit. But... he was initially attracted too a large lady. How would you feel if he become the opposite of what he is now?

WellKnackered - you completely misunderstood me. I'm saying that OP's H can't exactly complain that she's skinny, now. I don't see "skinny" as something aspirational, if that's any help - and obviously OP doesn't with her emphasis on building muscle.

Now this is tricky, because your body is part of the lust side of a relationship. Lust is important in a relationship. There are things we all like lustfully in a partner.

However love should far more than lust, and love should be built on you - not just the look of you but all of you. This is a man who chose to commit to you and that should be in any form.

Is your DH overweight? Could it be a jealousy or insecurity thing? My DH ended up joining in with me when I lost half my loss in the end because he realised I felt better for me,

Hey OP. Congratulations.

As someone who looks after themselves too my justification to anyone is always "I don't want to end up like my elderly parents"

My parents did fuck all exercise, ate ok but continually put on weight through their middle age. (Worked hard. Good parents).

However, my siblings and I are all paying for this now. They are practically house bound, numerous health issues, diabetes etc.

Because they didn't look after themselves.
It's your body, so tell him to take a running jump, and you are investing positively in your long term health too.

Maybe stick that to him because of he does chuff all he's not really thinking about the future is he xxx

That is amazing, to get down from 19 stone to where you are now. You must feel wonderful, and of course you must do this for yourself, your health and your self esteem.

But, I think PP are being a bit hard on him. Presumably he fell in love with you and was sexually attracted to you when you were 19 stone? And now you are dramatically different. Not just a few pounds lighter but, as you say, less than half the weight you were before. This is a major major change.

So this is going to be difficult for him to adjust to. Yes, as PP have said, this may well stem from insecurity. But is that really unreasonable. Put yourself in his shoes. If he was sort of your equal physically when you got together but then transformed himself so that he became much more sexually attractive, wouldn't you be worried that he would ditch you for someone better looking? He needs to know that you still love him and are attracted to him and have no intention of trading him in for someone better looking.

On the other hand, telling you that he no longer finds you sexually attractive needs to stop. And if he really means that, rather than just saying that to try to get the old you back, then maybe you do need to trade him in. But have the open and honest conversation first. Tell him that you feel great, that you intend to maintain your fitness and exactly how hurtful you find his comments. Give him the reassurance he needs. Then see if he can meet you.

Lust may be important in a relationship but it's nowhere near as important as health.

The OP has made the transition from being morbidly obese, to being fit and healthy.

Her DH needs to learn to appreciate that, rather than whinge about 'having nothing to hold'.

Amazon are all out of tiny violins, or I'd send him one for Christmas.

PickaChee

Sorry. I got that completely wrong.

Now I better give myself a pillocky poster award

Congratulations on your weight loss!

Is it the case that your new, healthy lifestyle means you spend less time with your husband (eg. the time you spend at the gym used to be spent at home with him)? If so, that could be an underlying cause of resentment which you could probably address.

Your health should come first. I agree, as a PP, said, that some men genuinely prefer more voluptuous women and his attitude doesn't necessarily point to jealousy, etc. but surely he married you for more than just your body? Your lifetime partner's body is inevitably going to change over the years, intentionally or not - would he take this attitude if you'd lost weight due to illness?

The only way forward is to talk about this with him, explain how important this is to you and see if you can uncover any underlying issues to help him deal with the new you. Ultimately, he will have to find a way to make it work, as you have an absolute right to decide how you want your body to be.

If he genuinely would prefer you to be back at 19 stone you should have a good hard think about staying with someone who would like your health to suffer.

But he may be feeling insecure and threatened. We've all seen the 'after' stories of people who lose a lot of weight and then overhaul their lives, including ending unsatisfying marriages. If he wants you to regain the weight because he fears losing you, that's something you should talk about.

There's a large facebook group of female runners who tend to classify their partners as CW (cockwomble) or NCW (non-cockwomble) to various degrees, this terminology is solely about whether their partner supports their running. So it's not unusual to have a partner who doesn't get it about what a big achievement PBs etc are.

If the relationship is otherwise good, and he doesn't put you down about it, then I'd simply seek the encouragement you need from fitness friends (either in person by joining a running group, or online). Sometimes we expect our partners to be everything to us, but we can get better support for aspects of our lives/hobbies from other people who share those interests.

However, some of the things you have said go beyond him being disinterested in your new hobby. They sound really mean and spiteful. He shouldn't really be cutting you down like that and trying to undermine your confidence in your changing body and fitness levels. He sounds like an insecure bully, and I wonder whether he's emotionally abusive in other ways.

I took up running this summer and I'm a new convert to exercise who was (and still am to a lesser extent) obese. I know the zeal of discovering fitness and actually enjoying it, and I also have a lifetime of previous disinterest in exercise. So I can see both the 'wow, you are doing awesome' and the 'so boring' thing. My DH has been supportive of me becoming fitter and healthier, though isn't rivetted by the details of workouts nor keen to have a go himself. He absolutely hasn't bullied me about changes to my body though. He wants me to be fit and healthy and knows that part of why I want to do that is for our family and future family.

There's two things you need to consider:

1. Are there other ways in which he is emotionally abusive?
2. How does he react to you saying that the comments he makes are hurtful, unsupportive and you want him to stop?

You have made amazing changes to your life, I know how hard it has been for me (and I've got a long way to go) but you've done that without the support I've had, on your own. It is a huge achievement, don't let him diminish it or you.

I've been through this twice with two different partners. The first hated how my body changed as I got fit,healthy and strong. We broke up. The second has seen me every shade of fat, slim, muscular, chubby, and supported and loved my body whilst I tried to build enough strength and fat to swim the Channel.

Wow! Fantastic! Well done! What an achievement. You have every right to be immensely proud of yourself. Does your dh really want you fat and unhealthy? Didn't it worry him? He should ve happy that you have been successful in something you worked hard at over a long period, and that you are healthy and fit and (almost certainly) happier with yourself.

If he carries on as he is, then he could easily end up pushing you away and ending up with what he was always afraid of - losing you.

Keep going. I'm assuming you're not aiming at body builder muscles where you end up with no neck?

My husband likes fat women....He doesn't like muscles

Is your husband a Feeder?

As long as you're healthy and happy is all that matters - and should matter to him.

Does he seriously think he can treat you like this forever? Or mind-fuck you into an early grave?